Caught between a rock and a hard place

LegacyUser

Ok, So a bit of a background to my situation.

Ive been with my current partner for the past 9 years and we are engaged for the past 5 years. We have a wonderful child together and have lived together for about 8 years. We have always had our ups and downs like every other couple and we generally just get on well together. In her eyes I am the love of her life and to be honest she was the love of mine until about a 2 years ago. We don't have a whole pile in common but I always tried to make it work out. When I met her she was a really outgoing type of person with a real bubbly personality, That changed soon after we moved in together and now she just want to stay in at the weekends ( I know we both have hectic work schedules and sometimes a bot of TV therapy is called for ) and has really lost her sense of humour and her bubbly personality. Nowadays its all about staying in at the weekends and watching TV and anytime I want to go anywhere its always me that has to pay for everything even though she earns significantly more than I do she always seems to have no money to go out. Anytime I try to get away with the lads from work etc its always the 100 questions before begrudgingly letting me out ( Extremely rare I do get out ) I feel like Im trapped even though Im not. Everything I do is questioned and its really getting to me. However I know she loves me with all her heart and it would break her heart to loose me but even when I try to tell her how I feel it doesn't really do much. If it wasn't for our child I couldn't honestly see us being together

For the past 2 years I have been having doubts about our longterm future, At first it started when she started a job near where I work and started commuting with me every day, We both work about 1.5 hrs away from home so almost 3 hours of a commute each day. Initially I put it down to the stress of raising a young child and the fact that everywhere I went my fiance was with me, She doesn't see much of her friends so we are constantly together even at weekends and any spare time I have, So initially I thought that maybe it was just me getting used to the idea and I hoped that the feeling of claustrophobia would pass, But it hasn't and now its getting to the stage where we are fighting a lot more often than we ever did and I've also noted that the feelings i once had for her are not there anymore.

To make it worse I have recently became friends with a girl from an office beside mine. What started out as a bit of a crush was quickly quashed when I found out she was seeing someone so I put that behind me and continued on. I deal with this girl often enough through the course of the job and the lads at work know I did have a bit of a crush on her. On one lunch break one of my mates decided it would be a great idea to add her as a friend on my facebook page, This I was mortified about as to I only really knew this girl in a very casual way and would certainly not be adding her unless I knew her outside of the job. To my astonishment she accepted my request and she started to private message me and not to be rude I replied. It turns out that she also had a bit of a crush on me too and was put off when she looked me up and saw that I was engaged. We now talk a lot at lunch break( shared canteen ) etc and we get on really really well, So much so that she has asked me on a date on more than one occasion. We recently went to a rugby match together as friends and I honestly can say that I had the time of my life with her but kept it strictly on a friends basis as I told her I really had to think things through before we both cheated on our partners. We share so much in common that its scary and I can say hand on heart that my feelings for this girl are overwhelming. She wants us to get together and have a try at things and I feel the same, We both have a lot to loose as she is giving up her partner of a few years also.

Im now in the situation that I don't want to cheat on my current partner but so want to be with this other girl, however there is the other love of my life to think about and thats my daughter who really is the apple of my eye. Loosing her would not only be devastating for me but also for her as she is truly a daddies girl.

Really my options are kinda messing me up at the minute and I really need advice. I know people go through stages like this but I think this is different somehow, the feelings I have for this girl are such that I have never experienced before, not even when I met my current partner all those years back.

Do I:

Try work things out with my current partner and play happy families for the sake of my daughter.

Make a go of it with this new girl and loose everything?

Or any other opinions would be great.

blatantrereg

You kinda already are cheating on your current partner.

This bit:

On one lunch break one of my mates decided it would be a great idea to add her as a friend on my facebook page, This I was mortified about as to I only really knew this girl in a very casual way and would certainly not be adding her unless I knew her outside of the job. To my astonishment she accepted my request and she started to private message me and not to be rude I replied.

that sounds like complete horsepoo to me tbh I think there might be another side to the story about your partner questioning you incessantly.

We recently went to a rugby match together as friends and I honestly can say that I had the time of my life with her but kept it strictly on a friends basis as I told her I really had to think things through before we both cheated on our partners.

It's not really a friends basis if you have to explain you need to think things through before you have sex together.

My reading is that you're very very bored. Sneaking about with this girl is exciting and dramatic and bold. It's probably the same for her. Whatever else, I would say that the possibility of you both having a successful relationship together would be fairly non-existent. Not going to be much of a foundation for trust there. You both might find each other a lot less interesting if the whole thing stopped being exciting and forbidden and became mundane and normal.

I'd drop the whole seedy affair right now. It's nasty and something you'll regret if you go any further. Right now you could probably write it off as an episode of you being very foolish and reacting to feeling very bored and frustrated - So long as you stop mooning over the girl and realise she's a bit of a dipstick at very best. Even if you really don't have any future with your partner now I think you'd be much better off ditching the trollop other woman.

I would assertively communicate your frustration and boredom with your partner. Make your points and listen to her side too. Becoming less fun and a bit of a nag can be symptomatic of having a bit much on the plate. Working, having a young child and 3 hours of commuting every day is going to wear most people out a bit. I'm surprised you have as much spare time and energy as you seem to yourself tbh.

As for the money thing, well it seems a bit odd. Surely you mainly pool your resources at this point anyway...so it shouldn't matter too much who's paying?

mathproblem

i don't think it will be possible to refind that spark with your OH while the other girl remains in the background anyhow. If you want to make one last effort to save your relationship you need to cut her out all together, tell her sorry & unfriend her on FB & don't string it along no more.

if you do decide to give it another try with your fiancee you probably need to lay your cards on the table with regards to your recent boredom & distance the between youse. See if youse can make an effort to put a bit of excitement back in the relationship, date nights, weekends away, something creative. She wont be able to address your issues if you don't spell them out to her. Maybe counselling? I've never been in your position with so much to lose but I'd like to think I'd make a big effort to hold on to what i've got if I was. Probably after 9 years you probably owe it at least to let her know what's going on in your mind so that she has the chance to rectify it.

Obviously the commuting together thing is doing nothing good to keep that bit of mystery in your relationship. Anyone could get sick of someone they spend too much time with.

LegacyUser

I feel for you in one sense but you really need to question yourself and see what you really want at the end of the day. I went through a similar situation a few years back and took the latter option and took a chance on someone new and I ended up very happy. We are now married 5 years and I feel the exact same about her as I first did and I see my child from previous relationship every day, I even get on with my ex a lot better now than I ever did.

Every situation is different and while I suspect there may be underlying problems your not telling us. People change and sometimes not always for the best. If you decide to go through with it make sure your 1000% comfortable with the idea and then go over it again to be sure. One thing that sticks out in my mind is a saying: if your having an affair and you decide to finish it, finish it with your first partner because if you really loved them you wouldn't have had the affair in the first place.

Remember though it doesn't always work out so be ready for it in case that happens.

The Stig in a Massey

Magicmatilda

I think you are being incredibly unfair to your partner her. Does she know about this other women, is she aware of the friendship, the lunch breaks, the rugby match? If not then to be honest in not surprised she is quizzing you about going out with the lads, she probably knows deep down that you are being disloyal and dishonest. Which is what you are being, don't bother trying to justify it.

You should sit down with your partner and explain the issues as you see them in your relationship, possibly even tell her about this other woman to highlight your feelings and how bad things are for you, although without blaming her, it's not her fault you are going behind her back (unless of course I am wrong and you have been completely open)

The thing with lifelong relationships is that you are always going to meet someone more attractive, more interesting at some point. What makes a relationship last is sticking by your original decision to be with the one you choose. No relationship is perfect all the time.

This new relationship will soon see cracks if you pursue it once when the mother of your child has issues with your new partner. Rightly or wrongly she may cause problems. Remember she will always be in your life. How will your new girlfriend feel about that? Have you discussed this?

As an aside I'm curious as to why when you have a daughter and are engaged 5 years, you are not yet married? That just stood out for me.

Finally I have very little respect for anybody who pursues a relationship with someone who is engaged with a child. As your "friend" has. It is testament to her character.

shalalala

You are cheating on your fiancé, whether or not sex is involved, you are dating her and emotionally cheating. Everyone has a crush every once in a while but you have acted on yours. That is cheating.

Don't work on your relationship for the sake of your child. If you want to make things work, make them work for you two. If you want to be with your fiancé this other woman has to go. You have to confide in your fiancé about how you are feeling and ask her to try something new to regain the spark. Maybe try counselling?

But to be honest OP. People change. You are probably not the same person she got with in the beginning. She could be struggling coming to terms with a new job and a baby and a partner that seems to be distant. I think that she is better off without you.

judgefudge

I'd agree with others that say that essentially you are already cheating on your partner. I can only imagine how betrayed she'd feel if this came out.

You say you never felt like this about your partner, even at the start. Maybe that's a sign that you shouldn't be with her. I'd take some time to think about it and lay everything out on the table with her. If in the end you can't work it out then walk away knowing you gave it your best.

This other women could be the love of your life or she could be an exciting distraction. I left a relationship of 4 years after meeting someone else and it was amazing and exciting and I couldn't get him off my mind. The reality was different. It fizzled out in a few months. And while I don't regret it (the first guy wasn't right for me) you might, particularly since there is a child involved. I can only imagine the resentment you might feel towards this woman if its not working out and you can't see your daughter as much.

How much do you really know her? She has been asking you on dates despite the fact that she has a boyfriend and you a girlfriend. Doesn't say much for her character. Is it you that has been preventing things from progressing sexually? How could you even begin to trust her?

Basically what I'm saying is that for your own sake you should deal with your unhappiness in your relationship first and decide what is most important before you go off gallivanting with some casual stranger.

CaraMay

I think you should free up your fiancée to meet a man who won't disrespect her like you are.

You and your new gf seem a good match - you are hàppy to cheat and she is happy to be your mistress. You can't go wrong with a relationship that starts off like that so enjoy...

LegacyUser

Ok this is the OP and I'd like to respond to some of the answers Ive received on this thread.

@Blatantrereg: Im sorry but in my eyes cheating is a lot more than just friends, In my eyes cheating is kissing and sex which in this case none have happened as yet and I don't really intend on them happening until I make up my mind as to what direction Im going to take. Some will view it differently and it does seem to be a common view that is shared by some of the other posters on this thread. I don't see any harm in a friendship with another woman. Sex has never come up in any conversation between us and there hasn't really been any sneaking around either. Yes I did bring her to a rugby match once and I do meet her on occasion for lunch but when you both have lunch in the same place every day and its a place that can be quiet busy, well I don't see much harm in it. Its not like Im whisking her off to a secret rendezvous every lunchtime.

You mention that you think there is another reason for the incessant questioning from my current partner but in reality there isn't, She has been like this for a few years now, long before I ever questioned my feelings for her. As for this other girl, She does know that I work in the same building as this girl and that we are friends on Facebook and I think she accepts that I can have female friends too. In fact I never really had any bad breakups in any of my previous relationships and Im still quiet friendly with most of my ex's today ( right or wrong as that may be, its always been that way and I explained that to her when we first started seeing each other )

As for communicating my feelings with her, Well I have done this in the past and just tonight I told her again that I wasn't happy the way things are going and told her exactly why I felt this way. I obviously didn't tell her that I had feelings for another girl as to do so would hinder any future change in circumstances, She has promised that she will try to change and make things work. Im not sure how I feel about this as Ive heard this before and things usually end up back at square one again.

@Mathproblem: Regarding date nights etc, I have tried and tried my very best to get something like this to work and they always end up in a shambles, I must admit Im not the most romantic of lads but I have tried so so hard. Usually after I organise something she decides closer to the time that she cant afford to go out or that she is too tired and wants to sit in for the night.

@The Stig in a Massey: I understand that things don't always work out exactly how you planned and this could be the biggest mistake in my life if I do decide to choose number two. But one thing Ive learned is that a good relationship is all about both parties being happy and this is something I cant honestly say that I am currently. By the way this is not just since this new girl arrived on the scene. She is really only in my scene in the last 6 or 7 months.

@Magicmatilda: Disloyal and dishonest, I cant 100% agree with you on that one, Yes if we kissed or even went further Id hold my hand up and say yes I agree with you, However as I said above I don't see a problem being friends with females whether I'm attracted to them or not.

As for coming clean, I did say above that she does know that I'm friendly with this girl. She also knows that I was at a rugby match with her too but as result of her buying my spare ticket that she refused to use even though I had arranged to go with my fiancee but again got the usual line of being too broke to go ( even though I paid for the tickets and would have been paying for grub afterwards etc )

I can see where your coming from on the relationship possibly showing cracks in the future and I agree that yes this could happen.

We are engaged for the past 5 years and haven't married because of the whole cost of weddings etc. I suppose there has been plenty of times I could well have afforded the day but have been put off by the lack of a contribution from her. She is of the belief that the man should pay for everything, which up until a few years back was ok as I was in a very well paid job and would think nothing of spending my money on whatever took my fancy.

Finally this other girl isn't pursuing this relationship as much as I made it seem, by the looks of my original post I may have made it look a bit more than it actually is. We are just two people who like each other and are going through very similar situations, her boyfriend is a bit of a dick and seems to only want her when he feels like it. If for one second I thought there was something more serious between them I would have ceased our friendship in an instant.

@Shalalala: No your right I'm probably not the person I was 9 years ago. If anything Ive grown up a lot in the past few years and in the past 2 years I have become somewhat distant but I try not to show it, But what do you do when you try everything in your power to rekindle what we once had and it has no effect, its hard to be enthusiastic when the other party isn't really playing ball ?

@Judgefudge: Again I don't see it as cheating but you may have a point. I took your advice and told her again tonight how I felt and after a bit of a talk she has said she will change, Ive heard this a good few times over the last 2 years but after a week or two I get the feeling that it will be business as usual unfortunately.

You ask how much I really know this other girl, Well to be honest I know enough about her to know that we share an awful lot of interests and that we are both in a similar situation. From what I know she is not the type just to go out with just anyone and the fact that we have become so close is a really big deal to her. Will it fizzle out after a week, a month, a year or even ten years?? Hell I don't know if it would even last a day!, but I do have to question myself as to why I feel this way about someone other than my fiancee. Maybe it is just a thing that will pass but is it worth not taking a chance and staying with someone who at the moment just doesn't make me happy anymore?

@Brego888: Have to agree with that monumental statement.

@Caramay: Im sorry but I don't agree that I am disrespecting her, If anything Ive done more than my share of trying to make this work. I can assure you there is no "Mistress" behaviour going on. Good friends yes, but if one or two hugs makes me a cheat well I'm guilty of 1000's of such offences. This girl has told me that she would love to have a go at us but she also recognises that its not just a case of jumping in the sack and getting on with it.

At the end of it all Im not a bad person, I could just as easily have jumped into bed with this girl and had an affair and said nothing but I have always had my partner and child's best interests at heart and wouldn't do it to them. Ive always worked hard to make this work when things got a bit frayed over the years. I just think there comes a time where you realise that maybe, just maybe things are not working out the way you wanted or hoped they would and it might be for the best to cut your losses. Disregarding the fact that I have met this other girl, I think I'd be asking myself the same question at this time regardless.

I have spoken to some of my close friends about the matter and they all gave me different advice but the general gist is that if I'm not happy now, that I may never be happy and by the time I decide to do something about it down the road it may be too late. I read somewhere today " Its better to have the odd regret than live a life of what ifs" I don't know what life has in store for me, Nobody does but sometimes if its meant to be its just meant to be.

LegacyUser

You are coming across as a man who does not like how his life is turning out but is unwilling to make an effort to improve things. Your partner has invested 9 years of her life with you.
You have a child together and she has been engaged to you for 5 years.
You said I have tried to talk to her but you have been fighting more often.

At this stage you need to arrange a weekend away for both of you. I would get a friend or family member to mind your daughter as you both need time together as a couple were you can chat and spend time together.
You both need to have an honest chat with each other about your relationship and where you both see yourselves in the next few years. I am sure your partner is not happy with you at the moment after being engaged for 5 years. Could I ask why have you not got married as yet as you don't need to spend a lot of money to get married.
Also as adults you need to remember that a relationship requires work and effort. You need to spend time together as a couple outside your home even if it is just going out for a meal or the cinema once a month.
Also you need to remember that you are both parents. Could I ask does your partner get up early Sat/Sun morning with your daughter or is she left most of the weekend minding her? Dealing with a small child and being tried always can get to anyone after a period of time and perhaps this is why you feel she is not the same person that you first meet.

You both need to be honest with each other about how things are between you.
Your daughter deserves to have 2 parents living with her that are not always fighting because as she get's older she will know that your are both unhappy.
I would consider couples counselling for you both - if you look up accord.ie you will get further information on this.

CaraMay

Your feelings for the girl are 'overwhelming' - that's emotional cheating.

She has asked you out on dates and she wants you to get together ?!?!? It's very obvious she is setting herself up to cheat on her long term partner and to be your mistress. Is that the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with?

Quit pretending its anything other than a seedy mess and both of ye need to do right by your partners.

You're kidding yourself here, OP. You might think there's no cheating going on because you meet in busy places or whatever, but you've admitted that you have feelings for this girl and that it's mutual. You're trying to decide if you should leave for partner for this woman, for God's sake, and you're trying to convince yourself that she's 'just a friend'? You're having an emotional affair, OP. I've been there. Your protests ring hollow and just FYI, if this girl works with you, I guarantee that other people have noticed and are talking.

mathproblem

OP you indeed have not "technically" cheated by not kissing or sleeping with this woman.. & that is a good thing as far as fixing things with your OH, you still have a good chance to rescue things because if she hears that it could rupture all trust & connection forever.

But i think "thou doth protest too much"; on the one hand you are trying to plead innocence, yet all the way along in your mind you are comparing your connection with your OH to your connection with this new girl. You can try all the date nights & efforts to re-introduce spark that you want but while you still have this other girl in the back of your mind your heart wont be completely in it. And your OH can probably sense that you arent quite 100% present with her emotionally, people are intuitive like that, they don't know what's wrong but they can just feel uneasy.. that could be what's leading her to hide out in her safe zone in front of the telly.

I don't know if you came on here for people to agree that your OH's behavior is not on & give you permission to leave, or for one last effort at rescue before you go one step too far. Indeed you are right to be unhappy if your OH isnt completely filling your needs & then you can put that to her & give her a chance to respond but equally you have to ask yourself are you doing all that you can to fix it & while your head is away with this other girl you simply aren't.

Leave if you want but don't try to convince yourself that you are the completely innocent party at the same time, because you're not.

sbsquarepants

CaraMay wrote: »

She has asked you out on dates and she wants you to get together ?!?!? It's very obvious she is setting herself up to cheat on her long term partner and to be your mistress. Is that the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with?
.

There is this to consider. I know i wouldn't be interested in having a relationship with anyone who had already proven themselves to be a cheater. Life's way to short to waste on people who don't care about you.

But if you really do want to be with this girl, then fine be with her - just not behind both yours and hers partners backs. That's just not a nice thing to do.

If you no longer love your girlfriend it's better for everyone in the long term not to stay with her, i always think this "i don't want to hurt her" stuff is just self serving bullshít. Basically it means you don't want to have to face the consequences of her knowing. It's easier to just get a bit on the side (and lets face it, it is easier!) but that doesn't make it right.

blatantrereg

I told her I really had to think things through before we both cheated on our partners.

In my eyes cheating is kissing and sex

Sex has never come up in any conversation between us

Does not compute.

her boyfriend is a bit of a dick and seems to only want her when he feels like it. If for one second I thought there was something more serious between them I would have ceased our friendship in an instant.

However as I said above I don't see a problem being friends with females whether I'm attracted to them or not.

This also doesn't make sense. You respect a person you've never met more than your fiancée?

she has asked me on a date on more than one occasion

This girl has told me that she would love to have a go at us

Finally this other girl isn't pursuing this relationship as much as I made it seem

Contradicting yourself

there hasn't really been any sneaking around

Yes there has been. Loads of it.

You might try looking at yourself, instead of just trying to justify yourself. I have no doubt that there really is two sides to your fiancée questioning you so much. From the way you speak here and what you say, it's clear that you're accustomed to being able to dismiss her concerns and put the blame on her for having them.

Personally I feel a bit complimented and a bit awkward when attractive women show interest in me, or try to chat me up. I don't express interest in them, or go to lunch and rugby matches with them. I don't hide it from my gf because there's nothing to hide (she's even seen it happening without me being aware, and it was completely fine). Can you say that you'd be comfortable with your fiancée seeing how you talk to this girl? Of course not - you're sneaking around and betraying her trust.

Emotional cheating tends to bother women more than men. A man will typically be more bothered by his gf sleeping with someone they have no feelings for. A woman will typically be more bothered by her bf developing feelings for someone they haven't slept with.

newuser30

You make out your partner to be the most boring, uninteresting person that ever lived. And that is magnified by the shiny new girl who has come into your life and of course your partner who you have been with this long will not even compare. To be perfectly honest you and your partner have zero chance of working things out while this girl is present in your life. Your current partner doesn't have a hope in hell of going back to number one in your head.
To be honest it is very easy to become emotionally involved with another person when both of you are in a relationship. It makes it extra passionate, feelings are stronger, more exciting...all because you are comparing to your real relationship which appears dead in your mind, passionless, boring. But you only feel like this for this girl because you have the crutch of the other relationship. You are not able to be truly vulnerable and to have real feelings for the new girl. It's all a case of her filling a void that exists in your relationship. You would not be so confident or blinkered in your pursuit of this girl if you were single. You would be more likely to let her get on and sort out her own relationship, and then way down the line you might be in a place to commit to one person 100%.

Your partner sounds really down, and probably senses you don't really love her. You asked her to marry you and you never followed through. That is as much evidence as is needed for her. To me the only way forward for your relationship is to cut this other girl out, don't even pretend you are having a platonic friendship and continue it. Go to couple counselling and really hear what is going on with your partner, because you dont really know. Give your relationship the chance it deserves.

sffc

OP - If you had written the following -
Hi guys , I've been with my GF for 9 years we have a child together and have lived together for 8 years . Basically she's a homebird but I want to be more active and this has caused more and more friction . About 2 years ago when I realised my feelings were really changing. I was commuting with her two and frankly sick of the sight of her . I've been really unhappy in that time .
She doesn't trust me with the lads from work but I can't blame her . I fancy a girl from work and totally disrespected my gf by letting the lads know . I don't care though as I deserve better . I let the lads use my FB account and send her a friend request . (I don't have the guts to do it myself ) . Bingo she accepted it and I was able to use FB to chat her up . I've decided to be intimate in all kinds of ways with this girl except physically . That why I don't feel guilty and I can tell myself how great I am and how I deserve better than my boring GF . It's like driving a car without having to buy it ! deadly !
I'd love to be with this girl full time and get physical etc and break up with my GF but that would take guts and I'm too scared . There are no guarantees . I'm really worried about losing time every week with my daughter and all the messy stuff that being a grown up means . Have you guys go a magic solution that would help me - get the girl - see loads of my daughter , get a big chunk of my house and most of all be able to believe it was all my gf's fault ?


Then I would respect your honesty . What I see it someone who isn't a bad person as such but needs to take the bull by the horns and sort out a very natural situation . In short OP you are acting very immaturely , more specifically blaming everyone else and pretending to just be bounced into situations . The relationship with your gf sounds pretty dead - while your daughter is young end it . The transiton will be easier for her . Get access and maintainance sorted etc in a mature fashion . Take responsibility !

LegacyUser

I've read your comments and thank you for taking the time to respond. I've made the decision to give my current relationship another go and try forget about this other girl for now. I'm going to explain to the other girl today at lunch what I'm going to do. Shutting her out will be impossible unless one of us leaves our jobs and this isn't going to happen so hopefully we can remain friends on a professional basis. It will be hard but I agree that a 9 year relationship is a lot to throw away.

Someone questioned the whole wedding thing and as I said earlier cash is the main limiting factor in us not being married. She is happy enough to wait until we have the cash to do it right.

As I said last night. I told her my feelings last night and she has agreed to change her ways. Hopefully this will work out for the best. I will be giving it 100% and nothing less and if it doesn't work out then I can go away knowing I tried everything I could.

Thanks again for your responses.

sffc

Whatever tiny chance of your relationship working it will never work while you only "forget about this other girl FOR NOW " .

You are deluding yourself.

LegacyUser

@sfc. I know people think that it's easy just to suddenly become "not friends" and blank this woman out completely but it is not and most certainly not in my nature. I cannot blank her completely as I deal with her regularly in the course of my job. However a few ground rules which we spoke about a short time ago. She understood my position and what I am attempting to do to save the relationship. We have both agreed not to be anything more than friends and not allow our feelings to overshadow the reality that I'm in a relationship that I'm trying to save. I think that it would be unfair to shut her out completely because I fancy her. Hell if I was to do that for every woman in friends with the only two woman in my phoneboon would be me mammy and fiancée.

The use of "for now" is more a turn of phrase and shouldn't be taken as you have taken it up.

I have every intention of keeping my feelings for her out of the spot light and will avoid any situations where it would be easy get carried away.

illicit007

I've been in a similar situation. If I were you this is what I'd do.

1) Forget about this girl. Don't see her, don't go out with her. Basically avoid her like the plague.
2) Give your relationship a really good go. Explain to your partner where the problems are and what your ideal resolution would be. Try and find some common ground. If you are really considering ending it (or at least were) then you need to be honest about this. Say look for me this relationship is at a mega low point, so much so part of me was considering my options. I really want to stay in this relationship, because blah blah blah but for me these things need to change blah blah blah.

Really really try hard to make it work. Part of you will regret it if you don't.

Now in the future if it doesn't work you should end it for real. If you've really truly given it your best, then you shouldn't regret anything.

Hope things work out for ya.

Neyite

Brego888 wrote: »

All's fair in love and war

You have posted enough in Relationship Issues to understand how it works. Post advice, in a constructive and helpful manner in future.

ShowMeTheCash

Just reading through this thread, and perhaps I am not going to say anything new!

Relationships tend to go through phases, you seem to be experiencing the 7 or 8 year itch, there is actually scientific explanations around this, but you can Google them yourself.

I see you at the beginning of this thread you are starting in on what your fiance is doing / not doing that is causing your unhappiness...
I feel this this is classic case of "it's her fault there this is not working"...
I think in truth you are trying to convince yourself, she is to blame for your unhappiness therefore justifying your actions, but in truth we are all responsible for our own happiness, maybe spend a little more "Quality" time with your fiance it might make a difference... (But I do not think you want to do that..)

Another point is, you are together 9 years and have been living together 8 of them... I doubt very much this sneaked up on you, I am pretty sure you knew who your fiance was before you asked her to marry you!

The new relationship... Again I see you are explaining yourself, trying to justify the relationship etc... etc...
If it is innocent did you tell you finance? If no, why not?
Usually I would say to people "How would you feel if you partner was secretly meeting up with someone else" but in your case I will not ask this question as I think it would play exactly into your hands, you would have your excuse to act whatever way you want guilt free....

And this is what it comes down too, I think you want to be two timing and two faced, which really is what you have explained in the thread but you want people to say "Yeah it's OK", "Yeah you need to be happy also, do what you need to do........".

If you are not happy and do not want to be with your fiance, then that is something you need to sit down and think really hard about, not an easy thing!

My suggestion, try being a man, you sound very much like a teenage kid!

Best of luck!

CaraMay

Good decision op. hope it all works out for your good.

LegacyUser

You keep saying "she has agreed to change her ways". Consider your part also in the relationship and from her viewpoint you may also need to "change your ways".

I also don't understand the financial problems. Surely as engaged parents you share money concerns.

Big Bag of Chips

Rarely is one person the sole cause of problems in a relationship.

I'm glad you have decided to work on your relationship.. but make sure you don't lay all the blame at your fiancée's feet. It's easier to blame the other person, but it takes real courage to look at ourselves and admit our own part in relationship problems.

If you don't look to yourself and see what you can also change, then I can see you walking away in a few months saying "Well I tried".

fog arty

You and your girlfriend are under a lot of stress with such a demanding commute to your jobs. I would be very wary of doing anything rash as once you take that step there is no turning back. Maybe you should try harder to see if you can get the spark back in your relationship.Think of how you will feel if your girlfriend got into another relationship and what effect that would have on your relationship with your daughter.

LegacyUser

Op what made me saw red here is your partners old fashioned views of you in relation to finance!! You are the man of the house so you pay for everything..WTF!!

Sorry I don't get that.

I've been with my OH over 12 years and when it comes to finances everything is straight down the middle, no emotional rubbish or getting a hump about they earn more than me so they should pay for it!! that kind of crap just doesn't come up.
Have you guys a joint account? Do you do a monthly spreadsheet of finances to see where all the earnings are going? Who buys all the groceries? pays for childcare ? mortgage bills etc ?? If its you and she's not contributing then you need to be asking some serious questions? You're either in a relationship or not. This BS that the man pays for everything ....not in todays world. She needs to cop on.

Clearly from your post you feeling very down at the moment and you seem really miserable.
What are her feelings like on the relationship? Is she happy or does she want out?
Have you suggested counselling to her?
If she doesn't agree to go to counselling then you need to be frank and outright with her and tell her the whole truth, that you want out. No point asking her to change as you are just going around in circles.

Whatever you do, do not stay in a relationship because of your daughter, children are very clever, even when parents think they don't understand and see whats going on they do.

Paddy Cow

Just don't know what to do wrote: »

@sfc. I know people think that it's easy just to suddenly become "not friends" and blank this woman out completely but it is not and most certainly not in my nature. I cannot blank her completely as I deal with her regularly in the course of my job. However a few ground rules which we spoke about a short time ago. She understood my position and what I am attempting to do to save the relationship. We have both agreed not to be anything more than friends and not allow our feelings to overshadow the reality that I'm in a relationship that I'm trying to save. I think that it would be unfair to shut her out completely because I fancy her. Hell if I was to do that for every woman in friends with the only two woman in my phoneboon would be me mammy and fiancée.

The use of "for now" is more a turn of phrase and shouldn't be taken as you have taken it up.

I have every intention of keeping my feelings for her out of the spot light and will avoid any situations where it would be easy get carried away.

Have you deleted her from facebook and stopped sharing lunch with her? The only reason you should meet up is if you have to work with her. It's because you fancy her that your only contact together should be professional. You are deluding yourself if you think you can be friends with someone you fancy while trying to save your relationship. It's playing with fire.