Hurting me out of the blue!!

IrishEyes19

Hey guys, cant believe Im writing here, I'm usually giving my opinion on posts, but I've found myself in a situation.

I wont go into too many details regarding the issue, but I'm heartbroken after being let down by a guy who has messed me about for years. He didnt treat me right but I fell head over heels in love with him. We arent together but had been on and off. This new let down came out of the blue when I thought I was just about moving on. Long story short he told me he now has feelings for me one night in the last two weeks and a few days later told me he is with someone else, really likes her and thats that, . ( he is abroad at the moment short term) I have to accept this. I know. I would never be involved with someone who was not single. But I'm heartbroken. I feel like my worlds been turned upside down, not only because of what happened, but because I spent years loving this man and he never would commit to me. And then out of the blue he admits he now has feelings for me, but he is now with someone.

Maybe Im being unfair, because he is totally entitled to see someone else of course he is. but Im so angry and upset. I wasnt over him, but I felt ok, we werent in contact that much anymore, so I was getting there. but it was so cruel and unfair to contact me and say this to me, saying he had feelings for me, and then the next few days bring my whole world crashing down. I feel like Im back exactly where I was, I cant sleep, eat or even think clearly. I just dont understand why someone would do this. so long I had accepted that he never had feelings for me the way I have for him and then to do this. Maybe it was a joke or a trick or something. He was really apologetic when I said my case after it, and said how hurt I was. But I dont know. I feel horrid. How do I get over this.

Ive cut contact straight away. Fb, phone, its all done. But I feel wretched. Im not in a position to go out much at the moment with friends. Im working very long hours. so my day is pretty tight. I just feel so hurt like I wont get over this. And angry at myself too, because Im mature enough to know what to do, but cant seem to get myself out of this.All I want to do is cry. thanks for reading guys.

Boombastic

Give yourself time

thefeatheredcat

What he has done is incredibly selfish and practically emotionally abusive.

He's playing the cowardly way of saying he has feeling for you now, while in a relationship with someone else, as a safe way to protect himself, because he's completely unavailable to you geographically, emotionally, physically that you can't even have an intimate discussion about it all without maybe causing hurt between the person he is now in a relationship with (and perhaps he knows you won't pursue him on this). But he's not exactly breaking up with his girlfriend, in fact he's using her and projecting onto you what he feels about you, and projecting onto her what he feels about you.

It's one thing to have your hopes up about someone and to accept they won't ever feel that way about you, for them to be consistent in maintaining they don't have feelings for you but it's another to have had your hopes up for them to cough up and be finally upfront but have made themselves conveniently unavailable.

Let yourself cry. You know what, write down what you feel about what's happened, what he's done and have that handy if he ever contacts you again or you think of him. Remind yourself that there is better out there too.

Use this as an opportunity to get this guy out of your life for good. He's been messing you around for years, now you have a chance to claim your life back without him and the chance to meet someone who isn't going to mess you around like this; whether he realises it or not, he's messing two people's heads around, yours and this new relationship, someone is going to get hurt, but I can tell you it's not going to be him.

You're well clear of him, accept that he is behaving quite cruelly towards you, being emotionally abusive, getting your hopes up and smashing your world.... and frankly it's a lot of drama, which perhaps he likes being the centre of that is having a negative affect on you and your well being. In short, he's not thinking about you, he's only thinking about himself and only himself, not you, not the new relationship, just himself.

Do you really want to be dealing with this for another few years? Wasting opportunities with a genuine person while this guy takes his time about doing your head in, keeping your guessing, playing head games and stomping all over your heart?

IrishEyes19

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

What he has done is incredibly selfish and practically emotionally abusive.

He's playing the cowardly way of saying he has feeling for you now, while in a relationship with someone else, as a safe way to protect himself, because he's completely unavailable to you geographically, emotionally, physically that you can't even have an intimate discussion about it all without maybe causing hurt between the person he is now in a relationship with (and perhaps he knows you won't pursue him on this). But he's not exactly breaking up with his girlfriend, in fact he's using her and projecting onto you what he feels about you, and projecting onto her what he feels about you.

It's one thing to have your hopes up about someone and to accept they won't ever feel that way about you, for them to be consistent in maintaining they don't have feelings for you but it's another to have had your hopes up for them to cough up and be finally upfront but have made themselves conveniently unavailable.

Let yourself cry. You know what, write down what you feel about what's happened, what he's done and have that handy if he ever contacts you again or you think of him. Remind yourself that there is better out there too.

Use this as an opportunity to get this guy out of your life for good. He's been messing you around for years, now you have a chance to claim your life back without him and the chance to meet someone who isn't going to mess you around like this; whether he realises it or not, he's messing two people's heads around, yours and this new relationship, someone is going to get hurt, but I can tell you it's not going to be him.

You're well clear of him, accept that he is behaving quite cruelly towards you, being emotionally abusive, getting your hopes up and smashing your world.... and frankly it's a lot of drama, which perhaps he likes being the centre of that is having a negative affect on you and your well being. In short, he's not thinking about you, he's only thinking about himself and only himself, not you, not the new relationship, just himself.

Do you really want to be dealing with this for another few years? Wasting opportunities with a genuine person while this guy takes his time about doing your head in, keeping your guessing, playing head games and stomping all over your heart?

I really appreciate your response and thank you very much for it. You hit the nail on the head. Now the only thing is, he defnately hasnt told her about me or that I even existed. He was extremely adamant in me keeping quiet about it, if I was to see him, I of course said it would not be happening straight away. Its very unfair, I really was making a start at getting over him. I do believe him in the sense that he is serious about this other girl. I forgot to add he wanted to see me as well as her, but I shot that down straight away. His actions the next day explained that when he basically told me, he was staying with her and that was that. I can only assume he was making a fool of me, and doesnt have any feelings for me whatsoever. Because I know I would never treat someone I had feelings for like that. His actions had no purpose whatsoever and I will never understand why he had to do this, why he knocked me back to this stage again. He didnt have to do this. And I really dont know why he did.I should add my reason for being so shocked also came from the fact that he never before said he really liked me or loved me. And then out of the blue says all this, and then a few days later completely makes a fool of me! Im appalled at myself for being so guilable and silly and at the same time so upset.

changeling

He did it because he could.

:mad:

IrishEyes19

changeling wrote: »

He did it because he could.

:mad:

thank you for your reply. Well it was pointless. He could have let me get on with my life, or even just keep things general. I was working on my side of things, my feelings only. the minute he threw his into the basket, it overturned everything. dont know what to do with myself. I emerge as the loser once again. Feel very stupid while he is off happy with himself.

CaraMay

He is not a nice person. That should make it easier to get over him. The only one you are hurting by moping is yourself so you can either continue to mope and miss out on suitable single men or waste your time pining for this guy who is taken and also obviously a very selfish man.

Abi

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Hey guys, cant believe Im writing here, I'm usually giving my opinion on posts, but I've found myself in a situation.

I wont go into too many details regarding the issue, but I'm heartbroken after being let down by a guy who has messed me about for years. He didnt treat me right but I fell head over heels in love with him. We arent together but had been on and off. This new let down came out of the blue when I thought I was just about moving on. Long story short he told me he now has feelings for me one night in the last two weeks and a few days later told me he is with someone else, really likes her and thats that, . ( he is abroad at the moment short term) I have to accept this. I know. I would never be involved with someone who was not single. But I'm heartbroken. I feel like my worlds been turned upside down, not only because of what happened, but because I spent years loving this man and he never would commit to me. And then out of the blue he admits he now has feelings for me, but he is now with someone.

Maybe Im being unfair, because he is totally entitled to see someone else of course he is. but Im so angry and upset. I wasnt over him, but I felt ok, we werent in contact that much anymore, so I was getting there. but it was so cruel and unfair to contact me and say this to me, saying he had feelings for me, and then the next few days bring my whole world crashing down. I feel like Im back exactly where I was, I cant sleep, eat or even think clearly. I just dont understand why someone would do this. so long I had accepted that he never had feelings for me the way I have for him and then to do this. Maybe it was a joke or a trick or something. He was really apologetic when I said my case after it, and said how hurt I was. But I dont know. I feel horrid. How do I get over this.

Ive cut contact straight away. Fb, phone, its all done. But I feel wretched. Im not in a position to go out much at the moment with friends. Im working very long hours. so my day is pretty tight. I just feel so hurt like I wont get over this. And angry at myself too, because Im mature enough to know what to do, but cant seem to get myself out of this.All I want to do is cry. thanks for reading guys.

I can only reiterate what others have said, but I will give you the extra support that you have done the right thing.

What an disgusting excuse for a human being he is. You can actually feel the pain and sadness from your post. You gave him your heart all of those years, he treated you badly all of these years, and treated you badly right to the very end.

As much as it hurts, you've done the right thing x

May I suggest counselling? I think the way he has treated you has left you at a very low ebb, and you could do with the extra support hon, it will make a world of difference. It can help you understand it all, give you back your confidence and give you direction again if you just take that step of getting some support.

As for his girlfriend? I wouldn't be surprised if he starts treating her the same, then moves on to the next. The only thing that matters to that guy is himself. He uses women, treats them mean to keep them keen - literally.

I'm sorry to use profanities here, but this guy was nothing but a head fúck to you, just to suit his own needs. Get determined sweetheart, and rid any residue of this asshole out of your heart and mind.

There is undoubtedly a guy waiting for you out there, who will love you, commit to you and most importantly respect you. You've to get the other yoke out of your head and heart before you can find him though

All the best x

IrishEyes19

CaraMay wrote: »

He is not a nice person. That should make it easier to get over him. The only one you are hurting by moping is yourself so you can either continue to mope and miss out on suitable single men or waste your time pining for this guy who is taken and also obviously a very selfish man.

Thanks. Well I'm not moping. I really am trying my hardest to get on with things. To be honest I don't want to date right now at the moment anyway. It's been an exhausting few years with just this, so I dont think I'm in any shape to get into anything else. I'm not pining either, its hard to explain as I said earlier, I was no where near over him, but I was getting there. I was waking up everyday happy and kept busy with my own life and not pre-occupied with thoughts of him. The last two days I've been brought completely backwards and feel very numb and weepy to the situation. I just feel so taken unawares by this.

fits

He told you this because he probably felt you were moving on and he wanted to keep you where he had you.

Its a horrible way to behave and should reinforce in your own head that he really wasn't good enough for you. Let yourself feel how you feel, remind yourself what an ass he is. And in time you'll move on. Let yourself be angry too if that comes up. It will help you to move on from this.

IrishEyes19

Went out of the house after work today and went for a long walk for the first time in ages and it felt good!! Its really the fact that I was absolutely fine in the sense that I was dealing with it quite well. And then he just pulled the rug out from under me!!

thefeatheredcat

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I emerge as the loser once again. Feel very stupid while he is off happy with himself.

Don't be so hard on yourself! You've been thrown a huge curve ball by this guy, even with the below of that bit in bold, you dismissed the idea of being involved in cheating, which is much more dignified than his behaviour.

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

he defnately hasnt told her about me or that I even existed. He was extremely adamant in me keeping quiet about it, if I was to see him, I of course said it would not be happening straight away. Its very unfair, I really was making a start at getting over him. I do believe him in the sense that he is serious about this other girl. I forgot to add he wanted to see me as well as her, but I shot that down straight away. His actions the next day explained that when he basically told me, he was staying with her and that was that.

From my point of view, I can't really offer any explanation why, maybe he got scared and insecure and wanted the security of you or whether he just wanted to be a dick and make a fool of you... the point is is that you didn't fall for it. Yes you could have kept your rose tinted glasses on and gone along with his plan, but you didn't. In the end, you didn't give him what he wanted, which was knowing he had you on a hook, ready to jump when he clicked his fingers and when it suited him. He's lost that and when you didn't go along with the plan, he got the final word in about it all and that to him, was that, without any consideration whatsoever for you, for your well being. Whatever went through his head about the sudden revelation of feelings and love for you, I don't think there was any real consideration for you, for your feelings, for how him throwing it out there would affect you. IMO that doesn't sound like someone who really cares about you at all.

He is being completely unfair on you, but remember he's also being completely unfair on whoever this new relationship is with by how he is already treating her, going to the point of cheating on a new relationship, even with merely the suggestion of it and wanted to keep even the existence of you quiet and unknown to them.

Give yourself some time as already suggested, let yourself work through how you feel about it all, let those emotions flow and start seeing him for the guy he really is.... now you know a greater reality, him getting into contact and throwing all this at you, how he is treating you, as well as the bit in bold should give you a better sense of who he is now as a person, that imo you'd be better off without in your life.

Don't be too harsh on yourself about taking several steps backward as a result of this, I've learned that steps backward can be for the better of yourself so you can leap forward in things generally after taking time and wandering the haze and fog of it all. You will continue to get over him, yes this is an obstacle, you will get through/past/over it, but I think it will make things a little clearer and easier for you from here on to put this guy into your past and leave him there for good.

Merkin

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I spent years loving this man and he never would commit to me. And then out of the blue he admits he now has feelings for me, but he is now with someone..

You poor thing, your head must be all over the place.

However (and this may hurt) he doesn't really have feelings for you. Or at least not the feelings that you want him to have. He sounds like an out-and-out bollocks to string you along for years and then when he meets someone, he gives you just enough to hopefully keep you strung along and interested should that not work out.

This man isn't interested in his current girlfriend. And he's not really interested in you either. He's interested in himself and his own selfish needs and if really cared about you, actually really gave a sh1t about you and your feelings he would have left you be. Maybe this is that one final kick in the teeth needed to really sever ties, and see him for the selfish narcissist that he is.

I've been in your exact situation and you need to turn this around and help it galvanise you into finally getting him out of your life. I will put absolute money on it that he will come sniffing back and you now need to concentrate on moving on and realising that he doesn't love you in the way you deserve to be loved.

Each day will be that little bit easier hon xx

IrishEyes19

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Don't be so hard on yourself! You've been thrown a huge curve ball by this guy, even with the below of that bit in bold, you dismissed the idea of being involved in cheating, which is much more dignified than his behaviour.




From my point of view, I can't really offer any explanation why, maybe he got scared and insecure and wanted the security of you or whether he just wanted to be a dick and make a fool of you... the point is is that you didn't fall for it. Yes you could have kept your rose tinted glasses on and gone along with his plan, but you didn't. In the end, you didn't give him what he wanted, which was knowing he had you on a hook, ready to jump when he clicked his fingers and when it suited him. He's lost that and when you didn't go along with the plan, he got the final word in about it all and that to him, was that, without any consideration whatsoever for you, for your well being. Whatever went through his head about the sudden revelation of feelings and love for you, I don't think there was any real consideration for you, for your feelings, for how him throwing it out there would affect you. IMO that doesn't sound like someone who really cares about you at all.

He is being completely unfair on you, but remember he's also being completely unfair on whoever this new relationship is with by how he is already treating her, going to the point of cheating on a new relationship, even with merely the suggestion of it and wanted to keep even the existence of you quiet and unknown to them.

Give yourself some time as already suggested, let yourself work through how you feel about it all, let those emotions flow and start seeing him for the guy he really is.... now you know a greater reality, him getting into contact and throwing all this at you, how he is treating you, as well as the bit in bold should give you a better sense of who he is now as a person, that imo you'd be better off without in your life.

Don't be too harsh on yourself about taking several steps backward as a result of this, I've learned that steps backward can be for the better of yourself so you can leap forward in things generally after taking time and wandering the haze and fog of it all. You will continue to get over him, yes this is an obstacle, you will get through/past/over it, but I think it will make things a little clearer and easier for you from here on to put this guy into your past and leave him there for good.

thank you, the advice has been wonderful!! I have no idea why he did. It was riddiculous. He's knows my opinion, I am headstrong and would never have agreed to such an arrangement. I think I need to work a lot on myself now. I thought I was a lot stronger and this has taken me down quite heavily.

thefeatheredcat

I wouldn't dwell on the why he did it, mainly because you could end up getting your head and emotions in knots that could be harmful to you and your well being. He did what he did, nothing can change that and tbh there's no point looking for a reason as there's always a danger - from personal experience - that one reasoning can be easily turned into an excuse for the behaviour without really taking the behaviour into account. He did it, nothing can change that fact, but you can change your response to it and make it work for you, make your life better as a result.

You are headstrong, and you are strong and determined too, you've had your confidence knocked by this and understandably so, I think anyone, even the strongest and most complacent and confident of people would be knocked down by this, and that in itself is not really a bad thing. It really means that you were strong for what you needed before, now you have to be stronger for the now which builds you to being stronger than ever before that you deal with other things better, though nobody is unbreakable and I don't think you should ever beat yourself up or put yourself down if you aren't as strong as you think you ought to be, because nobody expects anyone else to be superhuman and unaffected by events in their lives.

It's true what Merkin says there, each day will get better. Just give yourself a chance and believe that really each day will get better and before you know it, you'll be back on track and this guy and this incident will be nothing but a memory that will fade (and the pain of it too) because you'll be so enjoying all the really, really good stuff that is coming your way that you should embrace and enjoy

It's been an awful time for you but *HUG* I'm confident that you will be fine in time

IrishEyes19

guys, Im mortified to be writing here again. But I slipped up. Like everyone said, he'd be back and he was. Professing the same rubbish like before. Only he apologised for all the things that happened and wanted to see me. I refused of course I would, he was dating someone. And when I demanded to know where this was going ( not me and him, but just what was going on) next day I was put in my place. Basically called stupid and to get over myself and grow up!! I never learn!! And now here I am, back to square one. I stupidly while I was out last night contacted him. I was really angry, and just wanted to know why he was doing this. Needless to say, I got a very cold message today, telling me I was nothing, and had no effect on him. And to get lost.
I know I was in wrong to contact him and he didnt initiate it, so I take blame for that. no one deserves a random call. But it is eating me up inside. Im so angry at myself and ashamed. I dont think he will be in contact again. It was a less than nice ending. But I feel so horrible right now. And i cant seem to break out of it.

Roisy7

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

guys, Im mortified to be writing here again. But I slipped up. Like everyone said, he'd be back and he was. Professing the same rubbish like before. Only he apologised for all the things that happened and wanted to see me. I refused of course I would, he was dating someone. And when I demanded to know where this was going ( not me and him, but just what was going on) next day I was put in my place. Basically called stupid and to get over myself and grow up!! I never learn!! And now here I am, back to square one. I stupidly while I was out last night contacted him. I was really angry, and just wanted to know why he was doing this. Needless to say, I got a very cold message today, telling me I was nothing, and had no effect on him. And to get lost.
I know I was in wrong to contact him and he didnt initiate it, so I take blame for that. no one deserves a random call. But it is eating me up inside. Im so angry at myself and ashamed. I dont think he will be in contact again. It was a less than nice ending. But I feel so horrible right now. And i cant seem to break out of it.

Aw op. these mistakes happen, and alcohol can be the devil in these situations. Jeez I found myself drafting an abusive FB message to someone I should be over all too recently when I was out.

Delete his number now, unfriend him on Facebook. You know better than anyone what kind of person he is. It will come back and bite him on the arse someday, you can't treat people like that without consequence. Don't look back now and let karma do its thing.

Stay strong op x

afterglow

Hi there

First of all, get the idea that you are to blame for anything that's gone on out of your head!!!!
You contacted him because you were and are, angry and wanted to know what was going on. Are you justified in doing this? Unequivocally yes! do you still have the right to know why the hell he did what he did? absolutely. but will you? Unfortunately probably not.
This person, as others have said, is a horrible excuse for a human being. Maybe he just likes playing mind games or maybe he is genuinely messed up... anyone who could tell you for years they've no feelings for you, get with someone and then profess their undying love has a problem!!!!!
Whether he was just adicted to any percieved drama, or whatever hhis reasons were, this is not important anymore. what's important now is that you focus on moving on and realising that you are worth so much more than any scraps he has, or would have given you whenever he felt like it!!!!
Indulge yourself in something you really like, or a treat for yourself when you get a chance. Icecream, chocolate, anything you like, and keep going out walking it's always good to be out in the air, but will likely prove very beneficial for you just at the moment.
I also echo what other posters have said about maybe seeking some counselling. It does absolutely no harm to just have someone who is totally outside of the situation. You will have a space to talk, and air your feelings, whatever they are, and then the therapist will help you create a space in your head where you can visualise getting over this guy. You won't even notice it happening, but slowly and surely, it will do. I went through a very low point myself after a relationship break up when I was a good deal younger than I am now, and I didn't think at the time, I would ever get over it. All these years later here I am, and that was done with the help of a therapist, and at the time I did not see it make an immediate difference, but it did, and can for you two, I am certain of it.
very best of luck, and it will get better and easier with time
*hugs*

IrishEyes19

thanks for the reply. I'm kicking myself for this mess up. And also because it makes me look completely in the wrong. He pretty much told me to get lost when I tried to address the whole thing and Im angry that he can turn around my feelings and make me look unreasonable. I respect and agree that you cant expect to understand other peoples reasons for things. most people dont get an answer to that. But I find it hard to comprehend why he has done this. There was nothing to gain other than really hurting me and causing disagreements. Im numb right now and seriously wishing I had never laid eyes on the man.

afterglow

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

thanks for the reply. I'm kicking myself for this mess up. And also because it makes me look completely in the wrong. He pretty much told me to get lost when I tried to address the whole thing and Im angry that he can turn around my feelings and make me look unreasonable. I respect and agree that you cant expect to understand other peoples reasons for things. most people dont get an answer to that. But I find it hard to comprehend why he has done this. There was nothing to gain other than really hurting me and causing disagreements. Im numb right now and seriously wishing I had never laid eyes on the man.

That's completely understandable, but with this one unfortunately you might just have to put it down to experience. I usually have to learn everything the hard way myself, it's annoying believe me I know. Nothing you did or didn't do makes this behavior acceptible and when he gets a life and grows up he will have to live with the fact that he put you through all this.
Really wish there was something more I could say to help, sorry there isn't.

thefeatheredcat

I really wouldn't worry about it IrishEyes.

His expectation that when he came around was that you would go along with it. Instead of going along with it you confronted him on what was going on (+1 to you btw) which was not to his expectation so he goes all nasty. You'll find the same pattern with abusive people where when you don't fall in line with their expectation, they clutch at straws in being abusive, which is what this guy did, turning it all around to make you the bad guy. I think anyone reading this would know who the real bad guy is here, and it definitely isn't you.

All this "you're nothing" crap, don't listen to it, don't buy into his words, that's all they are, words that he is hiding behind to rebuff your anger. Cowardly, because instead of agreeing and admitting he has been totally in the wrong, he's completely sidestepping and again, not just putting you down, but sidestepping what you've said to not take any blame or responsibility.

If he's contacting you by phone, it might be worth while blocking his number if you are on a network that can do that, so that if he does attempt to make contact again, he can't get hold of you and wreck havoc on your life whenever it suits. It might be the last time you have contact with him, but given this guy has a nasty habit of calling out of the blue and making contact when it suits him, it might be better for you psychologically and emotionally that he actually cannot contact you at all.

Maybe you're only feeling bad about your actions as they would be not typical of you to do that? If you feel you've let yourself down, openly acknowledge that and move on from it. There's nothing wrong with that, it can shake your inner confidence and your perception of yourself, and just remember that it's not necessarily a reflection of you as a person, but how this particular individual's behaviour (in totality and by this incident) has effected you to caused you to respond in behaviour that you might consider by your own standards as quite nasty or repulsive or just different to how you would have gone about it. I've dealt with people in my life that would have, by their behaviour, caused me to act a bit beneath myself which would be unusual for me but would have been upset by my own response but there are people who just invoke those kind of reactions. The only thing you can do is realise that and adopt a different way of responding.

Don't worry about anything IrishEyes, just focus again on yourself. He did exactly like it was expected, to come back and try again and knock you down. He may have knocked you a tiny bit in that you feel bad, but don't let him make you feel worse by crumbling the strength you have. You are better than him and stronger too. Give yourself some time and be kind and good to yourself, don't beat yourself up over all this, treat yourself to lots of good things over the coming days and allow yourself to feel whatever way you feel but just don't be hard on yourself, because you don't deserve that.

P. Breathnach

Don't be mortified. You are on a difficult road.

Let me say where I think your problem is. You said

He didnt treat me right but I fell head over heels in love with him.

Changeling said

He did it because he could.

And there you have it in a nutshell. He has got himself into a position where he has power over you because you felt you loved him when he treated you badly. That sort of power appeals to some people. He really is doing this to you because he can, and for no other reason.

It is very important that you get through to a place where you have no feelings for him, not even strong negative feelings. He is a bad thing that happened in your life, and that bad element of your life should be binned.

It's easy for me to say what you should do. It's not easy for you to do it. He has undermined your psychological integrity. It might be helpful to you to get the assistance of a counsellor.

IrishEyes19

thanks so much guys. Im completely drained and exhausted. Cried a good bit today to get it out of my system. The nasty comments and so on were not of character, its typical of him, anytime I would pull him on stuff, Id get that back. But sure enough after the initial incident a few days later I was contacted again and apologised to, only in the same breath to revert back to the same behaviour in the same phone call.

as for me contacting. I wish I hadnt. Part of me thinks its good in the long run as sometimes I feel Ive lived in hope slightly, so at least this clarifies a lot. But the pain seems to cut deeper every time. I feel very alone tonight, and sad. I dont want to feel like that anymore, not when the person who has caused this isnt battling an eyelid over it.

IrishEyes19

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Don't be mortified. You are on a difficult road.

Let me say where I think your problem is. You said

Changeling said


And there you have it in a nutshell. He has got himself into a position where he has power over you because you felt you loved him when he treated you badly. That sort of power appeals to some people. He really is doing this to you because he can, and for no other reason.

It is very important that you get through to a place where you have no feelings for him, not even strong negative feelings. He is a bad thing that happened in your life, and that bad element of your life should be binned.

It's easy for me to say what you should do. It's not easy for you to do it. He has undermined your psychological integrity. It might be helpful to you to get the assistance of a counsellor.

thanks! I agree completely, I can see from the outset that I accepted how he treated me, so I unfortunately set a standard for him. It makes sense, why would he be any nicer if someone is willing to accept less than that. It is a huge question Ive had to ask myself.

regarding the last while. I dont have an overwhelming desire to be with him. Its more a case of I'm trying to cope with the suddeness of what happened. Going from nothing to all this drama in a very short period. Its been going on for years, but because I always felt it was very unrequited, it suddenly changed on his part this latter part of the year and it came down very heavily on me. Deep down I'm not a mess. I've everything going for me, thank god, and bar him, am happy. But this has been very hard. And I just want to break free of it, but also the feelings that came with it. Ive deleted numbers, blocked fb. Avoided frequent social spots, when he was around. I dont know how to stop this making me feel so down. Ive taken all the actions to stop it, but that seems to be the last stumbling block.

P. Breathnach

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

thanks! I agree completely, I can see from the outset that I accepted how he treated me, so I unfortunately set a standard for him. It makes sense, why would he be any nicer if someone is willing to accept less than that. It is a huge question Ive had to ask myself.

If I mistreated a woman who loved me, and was forgiven very readily and generously, I would be grateful and I would try hard not to mistreat her again. I think that's the right and normal way to go in relationships. If I took a different road, and saw her forgiveness as meaning that I could get away with mistreating her, you might think me to be some kind of twisted character.

In essence, he took advantage of your willingness to be tolerant and forgiving. Who is wrong in the head?

Don't blame yourself because he is a bad person.

regarding the last while. I dont have an overwhelming desire to be with him. Its more a case of I'm trying to cope with the suddeness of what happened. Going from nothing to all this drama in a very short period. Its been going on for years, but because I always felt it was very unrequited, it suddenly changed on his part this latter part of the year and it came down very heavily on me. Deep down I'm not a mess. I've everything going for me, thank god, and bar him, am happy. But this has been very hard. And I just want to break free of it, but also the feelings that came with it. Ive deleted numbers, blocked fb. Avoided frequent social spots, when he was around. I dont know how to stop this making me feel so down. Ive taken all the actions to stop it, but that seems to be the last stumbling block.

I'm torn between offering you a virtual hug and a virtual shaking. You possibly need both.

Concentrate on this: he is doing this to boost his ego. It's not really about you. He has difficulty in feeling good about himself without making somebody else feel bad. It's in the same category of behaviour as bullying in the school or workplace, or torturing animals.

But I can give you all sorts of rational arguments and they might be worth little to you, because your difficulty is an emotional one. That's why I think that the assistance of a suitable counsellor might be what you need.

IrishEyes19

thanks. Yes, I can see the benefits of a counsellor, but and I may be acting defensive on one side of things, but its not a case of that I'm severely messed up or not sleeping ect. Yes, these are the initial things like not sleeping or feeling down that occur for a short period, usually after the shock of it. But I am coping, and relatively happy except in this area. What I need is the time and space to fully get over this. I've never had it. The longest period I had away from this person without contact was a few months and bang back again. I know I have to completely erase all methods of contact, even if it means once again not going to my regular haunts on nights out. Ive also contacted my phone provider to block the number.

Is there any straight forward way to get them out of your mind though, thats the hardest part for me. Its dealing with the aftermath. I've very active with my social life, so I am exercising, working, and meeting with friends for coffee ect during the week. Its just the thoughts of him, his words, his lies and the hurt and deceit that linger in my thoughts. I suppose what Im trying to say is, I dont need to talk this out anymore, I have confided in close friends, family ect. Its more a practical solution I am seeking, a way to stop thinking about him and what he has done, and to just get on like I did before. On the bright side I'm young, mid twenties and I know Ive great things ahead. Just have to be really strong now and not slip up again. No more excuses or mistakes

Magicmatilda

Hi,

I just read through your posts and I really do feel for you. You have been hurt by a man who appears to be a narcissistic egotist. I have been in your position and can only tell you how I got through it.

Firstly I accepted the fact that this wasn't about me. That was hard. But his actions were nothing to do with me, if it hadn't been me, it would have been another girl. So there was no point in wondering why? there was no answer to that question beyond he was a bad or very damaged boy. Either way that is not what I wanted from a partner. The only reason he chose me at any point was because I allowed this relationship without any real commitment to continue. Now why would I do that? Why would I so greatly undervalue myself? That I had to work out in counselling. I wasn't overly messed up and was pretty happy in my life apart from him but the fact that I had let him treat me as though I was unimportant and had gone back to him willingly, well that was my issue to deal with. So I did and continue to.

The other thing I had to do was go through the feelings instead of trying to go around them. I was sad, I was scared and I was incredibly lonely. There were times I sat on the shower floor and cried and the water washed over me. I experienced a lot of emotions I didn't want or like. But I just had to go through them and feel them. For the most part, over a year on they have past. Everything does. Although sometimes I will get a fleeting reminder. Essentially I was hurt because I opened my heart. As someone at the time said, at least I could. He will never be able to. And that makes me the winner not the loser, as I often felt.

Don't contact him again, don't answer any attempt at contact from him. To engage with him will give him power. Pack away every reminder of him. You can decide later what to do with them. Gather your friends around you. Be kind to yourself. Eat well and excercise. Cry when you need to and laugh as much as you can, if you can. You are a strong loving woman and you will get through this. Best of luck.

P. Breathnach

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

thanks. Yes, I can see the benefits of a counsellor, but and I may be acting defensive on one side of things, but its not a case of that I'm severely messed up or not sleeping ect. Yes, these are the initial things like not sleeping or feeling down that occur for a short period, usually after the shock of it. But I am coping, and relatively happy except in this area. What I need is the time and space to fully get over this. I've never had it. The longest period I had away from this person without contact was a few months and bang back again. I know I have to completely erase all methods of contact, even if it means once again not going to my regular haunts on nights out. Ive also contacted my phone provider to block the number.

Is there any straight forward way to get them out of your mind though, thats the hardest part for me. Its dealing with the aftermath. I've very active with my social life, so I am exercising, working, and meeting with friends for coffee ect during the week. Its just the thoughts of him, his words, his lies and the hurt and deceit that linger in my thoughts. I suppose what Im trying to say is, I dont need to talk this out anymore, I have confided in close friends, family ect. Its more a practical solution I am seeking, a way to stop thinking about him and what he has done, and to just get on like I did before. On the bright side I'm young, mid twenties and I know Ive great things ahead. Just have to be really strong now and not slip up again. No more excuses or mistakes

It's good, and helpful, that most aspects of your life are psychologically healthy. In a perverse way, however, I think that makes your problem seem worse: how is it that you, who copes with life well in almost every other respect, can be so seriously set back by the bad behaviour of one individual who you know is intentionally treating you badly?

Avoiding all contact is not a proper fix. It's treating the symptoms rather than the ailment. You will not be properly sorted out until it is possible for you to encounter him and come away without being notably upset.

I do not suggest that you keep channels of communication open. There is no point in inviting trouble. What I do suggest is that you need to work through the emotional weakness you have created for yourself with this man.

Take note of the way I put it: you have created your own problem. That might sound harsh, but I hope that you understand that it is not meant in that way. I am not putting any blame on you, but I am trying to fix some responsibility on you. In the past you were too ready to accept bad behaviour. This might have been because you were simply too nice and generous, or you lacked self-esteem, or you did not have enough maturity to recognise his bad treatment of you for what it was. By accepting bad treatment from him and loving him in spite of it, you put yourself in a bad place.

It is unfortunate that he is the sort of person who continually exploits your weakness for his own satisfaction.

Perhaps you see now why I recommend counselling. You seem to me like a psychologically healthy person with one important weakness. Think of how much better you could feel about life in general if a phone call from this man had no significant effect on your well-being.

I can't resist adding a petty point. After several months of nothing, he contacts you out of the blue and apparently sets out to hurt you. Why? Bear in mind that he is doing this for himself, for what he gets out of it. He is seeking an ego boost. Why does he need an ego boost? Probably because he is down. Possible scenario: girlfriend finishes with him; he feels bad; he seeks to make himself feel better; he contacts you in order to play games with your head.

Merkin

I really hope that this is the final straw where this man is concerned. I think on a subconscious level you probably did want a final kick in the teeth to really put this to bed once and for all hon, hence the contact.

I understand that the shock and hurt of the appalling way he has treated you must leave you feeling very upset and angry but (going by your last post) you still had unfinished business. I wouldn't stress or worry or feel guilty at all about contacting him, you have ultimately done yourself a massive favour as you are finally bringing some finality to this whole sorry mess. Maybe this last final killer blow from him is what was needed to really see him for what he is? You now need to channel this energy into removing all traces of him, block his number, delete him as a friend and take all steps necessary to ensure he can't do this to you again. This is not your fault but as someone pointed out you have also allowed him to do this. That's not a bad thing necessarily, it's hard to see the wood from the trees when you're head over heels with someone. There does however come a time when you have to take control and decide enough is enough. If you don't you then become a facilitator and that's a whole other therapists chair issue right there.

I hope for your sake that the time has now come for you to decide enough IS enough because you're going to do yourself damage by continuing to engage with him. Have a good cry about this love but you will see in time that the crying is from relief, this man is a toxic piece of nastiness who would only drag you down and stop you from meeting someone really special who will show you what real love is like. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and be damn glad you're not his poor cow of a girlfriend.

Taltos

OP as well as the great advice above can I suggest a few more things

1. Block his number on your phone - depends on your phone but some can do this and in some cases the network will do it for you if you contact them.
2. Be prepared - he will find a way to contact you when it suits him most (and adversely when you least need/want him to). Be ready for this, play through a few scenarios and have your responses ready if you get caught by surprise and answer the phone to someone else and it turns out to be him.
a) stay calm.
b) don't let him upset you - don't let him suck you back in.
c) just calmly and cooly say - "I have nothing more to say to you, don't call me again. Gotta go watching the kettle boil here" and hang up. Key thing is to stay calm and collected. Even practice it with a friend or on your own. Have that response ready to disengage and let him know you are no longer bothered by his childish behaviour.

It really will get easier - just stop beating yourself up over this.

IrishEyes19

thanks guys. Im just looking forward to getting back to my old self. I liked that person. And its fustrating to see how much of that person has been hidden away because of someone who didnt deserve me in the first place. I've no idea why I allowed it to happen. I was very young at the time. Barely nineteen, in college. And I didnt address it then and to date, didnt. So its time to put the foot down and be harsh not only to him, but also myself, to give myself that kick to really put this to rest once and for all.

beks101

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Hi,

I just read through your posts and I really do feel for you. You have been hurt by a man who appears to be a narcissistic egotist. I have been in your position and can only tell you how I got through it.

Firstly I accepted the fact that this wasn't about me. That was hard. But his actions were nothing to do with me, if it hadn't been me, it would have been another girl. So there was no point in wondering why? there was no answer to that question beyond he was a bad or very damaged boy. Either way that is not what I wanted from a partner. The only reason he chose me at any point was because I allowed this relationship without any real commitment to continue. Now why would I do that? Why would I so greatly undervalue myself? That I had to work out in counselling. I wasn't overly messed up and was pretty happy in my life apart from him but the fact that I had let him treat me as though I was unimportant and had gone back to him willingly, well that was my issue to deal with. So I did and continue to.

The other thing I had to do was go through the feelings instead of trying to go around them. I was sad, I was scared and I was incredibly lonely. There were times I sat on the shower floor and cried and the water washed over me. I experienced a lot of emotions I didn't want or like. But I just had to go through them and feel them. For the most part, over a year on they have past. Everything does. Although sometimes I will get a fleeting reminder. Essentially I was hurt because I opened my heart. As someone at the time said, at least I could. He will never be able to. And that makes me the winner not the loser, as I often felt.

Don't contact him again, don't answer any attempt at contact from him. To engage with him will give him power. Pack away every reminder of him. You can decide later what to do with them. Gather your friends around you. Be kind to yourself. Eat well and excercise. Cry when you need to and laugh as much as you can, if you can. You are a strong loving woman and you will get through this. Best of luck.

Hi OP, you've received some great advice in this thread, and the above is where I stopped. This is all you need to know really. Read it repeatedly.

I've been going through something similar lately, better some days, worse on others, but all I can tell you is this: recognize the good in yourself that lead you here. That will help you through this.

You wanted love, and you sought it from the wrong person. That's all any of us want really and at least you were brave enough to go for it, even though your efforts were completely misguided. He never did and was never going to give you what you want.

The reasons why you let it continue are what you need to explore to grow from this experience, but be kind to yourself too and don't criticize too much.

It's really hard to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable to someone else, so in a sense you can admire that quality about yourself. You've got an open heart. You're capable of love. But you were engaged in an emotionally destructive relationship and the only way to get over that is to allow the emotional comedown - allow the feelings. As Magicmatilda so eloquently described, they are massively uncomfortable and a bit terrifying, but completely necessary in order to move on from this.

Please be kind to yourself. You'll sway from sad to lonely to confused to frustrated to absolutely boiling with rage - those are healthy emotions. It's only as they move through you and leave your system that the obsessive thoughts will stop and perspective will set in.

IrishEyes19

beks101 wrote: »

Hi OP, you've received some great advice in this thread, and the above is where I stopped. This is all you need to know really. Read it repeatedly.

I've been going through something similar lately, better some days, worse on others, but all I can tell you is this: recognize the good in yourself that lead you here. That will help you through this.

You wanted love, and you sought it from the wrong person. That's all any of us want really and at least you were brave enough to go for it, even though your efforts were completely misguided. He never did and was never going to give you what you want.

The reasons why you let it continue are what you need to explore to grow from this experience, but be kind to yourself too and don't criticize too much.

It's really hard to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable to someone else, so in a sense you can admire that quality about yourself. You've got an open heart. You're capable of love. But you were engaged in an emotionally destructive relationship and the only way to get over that is to allow the emotional comedown - allow the feelings. As Magicmatilda so eloquently described, they are massively uncomfortable and a bit terrifying, but completely necessary in order to move on from this.

Please be kind to yourself. You'll sway from sad to lonely to confused to frustrated to absolutely boiling with rage - those are healthy emotions. It's only as they move through you and leave your system that the obsessive thoughts will stop and perspective will set in.

thank you, that really has made so much sense to me! I can hand on heart say I'm quite a level headed person, but regarding the emotions, I sway from him hurting me one day, to me telling him where to go, only to a couple of hours or days later going ballistic and give out to him for doing that to me, then to forgive him later when he contacts to repeating the same circle because thats how it goes. It sounds like the actions of a mad deranged woman. But Im not! And its funny you wrote about those emotions because I can finally describle my feelings resemble a tumble dryer. Around and Around. I also must stress that no one has ever disrespected me before, and its a shock to my system. but that is me. A flurry of emotions regarding him. I would reply back coldly to his nastiness or else ignore it. But later, when the numbness had eased a little, I would be overwhemingly sad about it, and I would then deal with it by stressing to him how I felt. It never did any good. Sometimes, the odd time, it would cause him to apologise or say something along those lines, but it was very temporary before the same stuff would happen.

I think all these years, Ive been blaming forgiving and also looking for an apology from the wrong person. All this time I should have looked for an apology from me, and forgiven me. Im the one hurt, not him. hopefully I'll get there.

beks101

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I think all these years, Ive been blaming forgiving and also looking for an apology from the wrong person.

ick, I do this too.

You wait for the text, the facebook message, the "listen, I'm sorry I messed with your head / sorry I strung you along / sorry I killed the friendship/you didn't deserve that", secretly knowing that it's never going to come. Or if it does, it will be some half-hearted effort that will never be enough.

The problem with that is you're assuming that someone else is working around the same moral compass that dictates your behaviour in these matters. I'm sure you wouldn't dream of stringing someone along, reeling them in and then dropping them, manipulating them, feeding them scraps of affection and then throwing nasty words at them for the sake of propping up your own ego. Because you're a good, decent person. He doesn't have the same principles.

It's time to focus on yourself now. You're the one that matters here, you're the one with so much going for you.

If it's any consolation, I've met this kind of guy before, a few times actually. I've felt hurt, rejected, stupid for falling for them because I wanted so much and they presented so little...and all I can afford them now is a wry smile that I ever gave a crap about someone so unsuitable for me in the first place. They "nothing" me; I don't feel bitter, but I don't feel sadness, regret, inadequacy...nothing. I feel vague amusement at best. You'll get there too. I'll bet my life on it

IrishEyes19

beks101 wrote: »

ick, I do this too.

You wait for the text, the facebook message, the "listen, I'm sorry I messed with your head / sorry I strung you along / sorry I killed the friendship/you didn't deserve that", secretly knowing that it's never going to come. Or if it does, it will be some half-hearted effort that will never be enough.

The problem with that is you're assuming that someone else is working around the same moral compass that dictates your behaviour in these matters. I'm sure you wouldn't dream of stringing someone along, reeling them in and then dropping them, manipulating them, feeding them scraps of affection and then throwing nasty words at them for the sake of propping up your own ego. Because you're a good, decent person. He doesn't have the same principles.

It's time to focus on yourself now. You're the one that matters here, you're the one with so much going for you.

If it's any consolation, I've met this kind of guy before, a few times actually. I've felt hurt, rejected, stupid for falling for them because I wanted so much and they presented so little...and all I can afford them now is a wry smile that I ever gave a crap about someone so unsuitable for me in the first place. They "nothing" me; I don't feel bitter, but I don't feel sadness, regret, inadequacy...nothing. I feel vague amusement at best. You'll get there too. I'll bet my life on it

thanks, beks101, I think its also worthy to note that I assumed the pain I was feeling, he felt too, (I know it sounded daft, but each dramatic fight or episode when I was left hurting, I thought it had to have some effect on him too) so when he would half apologise or lie to appease me, it felt like a breath of fresh air on both sides because I thought he understood.)

thats exactly what I want. I dont long for him anymore. I do have feelings, Id be a liar if I said otherwise. But I want to be able to not think about him or feel pain over him, more than wanting him. If that makes sense. Because I know deep down I cant keep going through this over and over again. Its the most destructive thing that has ever happened to me.

P. Breathnach

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

...
I think all these years, Ive been blaming forgiving and also looking for an apology from the wrong person. All this time I should have looked for an apology from me, and forgiven me. Im the one hurt, not him. hopefully I'll get there.

I hope that it does not seem patronising to say that I see the start of wisdom in what you say. He is a shit, but the core of your problem has been in the way you dealt with his behaviour.

Of course I join you in hoping that you get there. It helps that you are on the right road.

IrishEyes19

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I hope that it does not seem patronising to say that I see the start of wisdom in what you say. He is a shit, but the core of your problem has been in the way you dealt with his behaviour.

Of course I join you in hoping that you get there. It helps that you are on the right road.

hiya, thanks. I was out during the weekend and ran into him by mistake in a take away of all places. Got the cold eye or whatever you want to call it and ten minutes later a barrage of texts telling me to get over him, move on. I've deleted the number and am just trying to get through this week now. It still hurts, but what can you do. Im glad I didnt react though. Can wake up this week feeling glad I didnt play to it.

ShowMeTheCash

Sorry I just skimmed through some of the responses in the thread so maybe this was already answered.

You say that you had feelings for this guy for years, did you actually date this guy?

IrishEyes19

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Sorry I just skimmed through some of the responses in the thread so maybe this was already answered.

You say that you had feelings for this guy for years, did you actually date this guy?

hey, my first post kind of goes through that and one or two after. I'd prefer not to repeat or go into great detail anymore than I have, just for remaining annonomous sake.

he's been abroad for a while and we had been on/off before that. he's now back in the last month. hence my most recent post. like any normal person I didnt have strong feelings until I got to know him months down the line after first meeting him. as for dating, this wasnt a normal situation, but at the end of the day, feelings were hurt, people strung along and messed about. that question is just irrelevant right now, because I genuinely have no proper answer for it. what it was. I couldnt tell you.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say i'm in a similar boat, it sucks alright as on the one hand, someone you cared about screwed you around constantly. On the other hand, you have to confront that you enabled this behavior for so long and the why behind that.

On the bright side, could be worse, you could be the other girl!

What makes it worse, you just know they're twisting the story to any willing listeners. But such is life. Reality is most probably won't give too flying hoots.

ShowMeTheCash

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

hey, my first post kind of goes through that and one or two after. I'd prefer not to repeat or go into great detail anymore than I have, just for remaining annonomous sake.

he's been abroad for a while and we had been on/off before that. he's now back in the last month. hence my most recent post. like any normal person I didnt have strong feelings until I got to know him months down the line after first meeting him. as for dating, this wasnt a normal situation, but at the end of the day, feelings were hurt, people strung along and messed about. that question is just irrelevant right now, because I genuinely have no proper answer for it. what it was. I couldnt tell you.

Yeah I read the on/off part... I just was not sure what you actually meant by it.

Getting hurt or someone stringing you along is never nice.... But I was trying to understand the situation...

As it was not clear that you actually dated or where involved in anything other than a friendship... It just seem all very strange, he says one thing then does a complete 180 a day later.

Also I do not quite understand why your world has been turned upside down, heartache is horrible but sometimes it is needed, gives us perspective and in time will heal... But it sounds more like you really liked this guy and it simply did not happen for you... Give it a few weeks I am sure you will be fine.

Best of luck!

IrishEyes19

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Yeah I read the on/off part... I just was not sure what you actually meant by it.

Getting hurt or someone stringing you along is never nice.... But I was trying to understand the situation...

As it was not clear that you actually dated or where involved in anything other than a friendship... It just seem all very strange, he says one thing then does a complete 180 a day later.

Also I do not quite understand why your world has been turned upside down, heartache is horrible but sometimes it is needed, gives us perspective and in time will heal... But it sounds more like you really liked this guy and it simply did not happen for you... Give it a few weeks I am sure you will be fine.

Best of luck!

with all due respect you really dont understand the situation and that's fine. No one but me and him can. I didnt need this for perspective to be honest, I did let it get out of hand and I have paid for that. my world was turned upside down but Ive hopped right back and made it work again. I really dont want to sound rude, but it unfair for you to suggest that just because it was patchy, that it didnt affect me the same and that I was just someone who liked someone and they didnt feel the way. Im not a child and that wasnt the case, it was never that black and white. thanks for the advice. it was partly helpful.

Taltos

Can I remind posters of our charter - specifically

No one true way.

No one on this forum has the right to tell someone they are not in a relationship due that relationship not being the same as their own, in terms of agreements between adults
of what ever number or what ever gender.

Thanks
Taltos

Roisy7

Sometimes a "not real" or on-off relationship can be harder to get over.

You only have a few positive memories to cling to, and these are soured by the knowledge that they meant far more too you than the other person.

You have been in the situation for far, far too long to come out of it easily.

You feel like stupid for putting your life on hold for a fantasy.

You can't really talk it out with too many people- after all, it wasn't a real relationship, it was all in your head.

You are mourning for something that's gone, and that could never be. These type of people make sure to leave you hanging on. Everytime you are ready to cut the string they pull you up like a marionette and make sure you drop the scissors. It takes a HELL of a lot of strength to break the cycle.

I'm not sure if any of that's relevant to you IrishEyes, but getting over something like this is very very hard and can shake the very core of you. You deserve a lot of praise for getting shot of him.

ShowMeTheCash

This is really what I was trying to understand, I was not even suggesting it was not difficult.
Having a crush on someone for example can be very hard to get over, as a crush is not real, so in your mind we often think the relationship would be perfect, whereas in reality relationships will have their ups and down.

If it was an on/off thing the same thing could apply, it could be cruel as by the sounds of it the OP may have had ideas of what the relationship was or potentially where it was going and by the sounds of it this guy did not share these views or was saying one thing and doing another... In any case you are better off without.

You say you do not need perspective, I will disagree with you on that. To suggest your world was turned up-side down, I am not suggesting it wasn't or it did not emotionally effect you a great deal, what I am suggesting is in a little time things will get better and you will probably go about your life with the memory of some guy that messed you around and nothing more.

No one died, you are not going through a messy divorce with kids...
Sometimes in life we just need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off...

I would try and focus on the positives, lots of pro's to being young and single... If this is how the guy was treating you.... Would you really want to be with him long term? Sound like you dodged a bullet!

IrishEyes19

thanks, I know I'm better off, I've known that for a long time. To clarify, we did date, it was just on/off, so the term wasnt as easy to pin down as other relationships can be. And it wasn't a crush or fiction in my mind. I would see this person a lot, meet up a lot. It wasn't like I was living a fantasy world in which I wanted them to be part of, unbeknownst to them.

Well I suppose everyone has their own idea on perspective. I just didn't need this in my life. And particularly this year, what he got up to. I could have gotten on without it happening. Thanks for your advice.