BF and his parents

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone else would be concerned about this or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill. My bfs parents are really nice people, I get on well with them, enjoy their company etc. We socialise with them etc, however my bf spends most weekends with them as do I, which is nice. I just think we should also be doing our own thing, socialising with people our own age. My bf isn't too bothered about spending time with his friends. He always seems to want to wait and see what his parents are doing. We spoke about moving in together and he informed me about the area he wants to live in, 5 mins from the parents house. Although it would make more sense for him to move to my area as we both work 5 mins from here. I tried to compromise and said how about somewhere half way between, but No he's not willing to compromise at all. His mam made a comment to me one night when we were having drinks about "how i'd never dare hurt her son". The next day she brought it up and said oh I said something about you hurting my son last night, and then says I probably meant it too. Would these things be cause for concern for most people?

IrishEyes19

It's a tricky one, OP. Is he an only child? I do agree you should be going out on your own or socialising with other friends too. I can imagine the weekends must be very boring at this stage and not fair on you at all. Its a hard one, the only thing I can advise is, if your not happy you have to make a decision is this something you are willing to tolerate. If not, walk away. Its not worth sacrificing your own happiness for this, if he isnt willing to compromise for you.

LegacyUser

Hey,

No he is not an only child. I enjoy spending time with them, enjoy their company. Have spent time doing things with his mam even without him. Just would like to do something different every now and again. I never have a weekend to just stay at home. I just think he's too dependant on his parents. Perhaps i'm bias as i've always been independant. I just feel like it can be a bit one sided.

Girfriendworries

Girfriendworries wrote: »

Would these things be cause for concern for most people?

Yes, definitely. It sounds incredibly unhealthy to be honest.

It doesn't sound like it's something you can do anything about though. Maybe bring it up with him very gently. Otherwise, it sounds like you're in a "my way or the highway" situation. I can imagine they'd all feel pretty offended if you addressed it head on.

seenitall

Hi OP,

I'm an independent-minded person like yourself, but I don't even think one would have to be extra independent to see there is something quite off about this 'cosy' family dynamic...

Don't know what else to say, except you wouldn't see me for dust. Something like that (mammy's boy syndrome and variations thereof) is to me a major turn-off and passion killer. I don't want a boy who hangs out of his parents, I want a man.

Not even going into the whole if you try tackle it, as already mentioned, in all probability you'd only be fighting a losing battle.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

judgefudge

Whatever about the situation with his parents, I would find his unwillingness to compromise to be a real Dealbreaker...

LittleBook

Girfriendworries wrote: »

We spoke about moving in together and he informed me about the area he wants to live in, 5 mins from the parents house. Although it would make more sense for him to move to my area as we both work 5 mins from here. I tried to compromise and said how about somewhere half way between, but No he's not willing to compromise at all.

Whatever about the parents, this would have me telling him to sling his hook.

stargazer 68

Sorry OP but that all sounds a bit much for me. Have you tried to make alternative plans for weekends or do you just go along with him and what he wants to do? i.e spend it with his parents. What would happen if you arranged a night out with friends for both of you instead of going out with his parents?

As for the moving in together - I would keep that on the back burner until you sorted this out!

Merkin

I am all for being part of a close family etc but this simply isn't normal. It sounds like he hasn't cut the apron strings at all and seems to have quite an unhealthy relationship with them. I wouldn't even think about moving in with him if he is unwilling to compromise on this.

It also seems like he is calling all the shots here and that every single decision is unilateral. Don't you speak up and say what you would like? You don't need to be combatitive but next time he says he wants to spend the weekend (again) with his folks why don't you pipe up and say you want to spend a romantic weekend together and/or going out for the night with your friends? Why comply with everything he wants? I'd also be putting my foot firmly down about moving five minutes around the corner from his parents. That's just asking for trouble.

What age is this man incidentally? Has he actually seen the world at large or is he still under the misconception that he's a nine year old boy? You need to have a serious talk with him tbh.

hoodwinked

i was you a few years ago, with my now husbands family, i got the exact same things said to me and alot worse when he started coming out with me on weekends instead of *family time*


the difference is i was 100% honest and upfront with him and told him what his parents were saying/doing, and eventually he saw it for himself and was disgusted by their 'opinions' on me.

i guess i was lucky in the sense he never wanted to live near them, especially after seeing how they treated me,

so maybe talk to him first and foremost, if he doesn't listen or doesn't want to change then im afraid you need to make a choice. either put up with it or be prepared to walk away.

Tranceypoo

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm an independent-minded person like yourself, but I don't even think one would have to be extra independent to see there is something quite off about this 'cosy' family dynamic...

Don't know what else to say, except you wouldn't see me for dust. Something like that (mammy's boy syndrome and variations thereof) is to me a major turn-off and passion killer. I don't want a boy who hangs out of his parents, I want a man.

Not even going into the whole if you try tackle it, as already mentioned, in all probability you'd only be fighting a losing battle.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

This!! mammys boy, run for the hills!! Honestly OP as others have said also, if he's not even willing to compromise on where you live, whatever about the over dependance on his parents, that would ring alarm bells with me. In my experience, mammys boys never change.

LegacyUser

Wow!!! This thread has given me real food for thought, think some serious decisions need to be made.

CaraMay

In what context did the mother say that about you?

fog arty

This will only get worse, run for the hills quick

Pandora2

Rare I contribute these days but you have moved me OP!! You are describing my first marriage!! I always knew my ex was close to his family, it was one of the things that attracted me to him but...His Mother, firstly she was very sly about her total disdain for me....acted as if she liked me when in company and ignored me when not. His Father, a quiet man, said nothing and gave the impression he was fully supportive of her...I always thought that the saying, and I'm paraphrasing, "Evil flourishes while good men stand by silently!" applied!

We spent every Sunday with them as did the rest of their children in Ireland, same lunch...same drive, back to house women to the kitchen, men to the telly and so commenced the evening routine of cleaning up and making tea...every Sunday was the same!! I found out later the only reason she did not come right out and say, you are not good enough was, he was 31 and had never had a relationship!! Apparently putting up with me was better than a gay son!! But only just...she played him like a fine fiddle...in his ear about everything I did, cooked, spent and how it was just not good enough...without my knowledge she lost the plot when I became pregnant, I presume she thought she would see me off long before that!! She suggested he have the phone made incoming calls only, and he did...Fine but my family were far away and I knew nobody where we lived! Later I found out he paid her phone bill as she liked to phone her kids in the US and Oz!! I wanted to learn to drive, she said it was unnecessary! I could go on and on...in short she was a terrorist!

In time, this filtered through to my home and inevitably the relationship broke down, my Husband was told daily what a poor excuse for a woman I was, she made his lunch at 1 each day and they had a little Mother Son time!I found out later that from day one she had a problem when she found I had a daughter....despite this knowledge coming about by my talking to her grandaughter whose Mother was in a relationship with a married man, who bi-located between the two relationships:eek: It was no secret, he said he told her of my child's existance before we met. Didn't stop her reaching for the smelling salts when I mentioned her in company!

This 'woman' had faked a grandparent like relationship with my daughter for Years, but when we split up...it was like my daughter disappeared, she made her communion a month after the break...Not a card, nothing...even though I had invited them to the Church. She encouraged my ex to fight for custody of our child as 'didn't I have my own little Bastard!' In short she wanted me out of the family home, out of the area and out of her son and our childs life! It was the worst time of my life!

I remember my doubts finding expression early in the relationship and I am so sorry that I did not run then!! I won't suggest that you do, you are a grown woman and will make your own decisions but, I can only tell you that living close to the folks...well that's just a red flag!! If this woman has the capacity to become the M-in-L from Hell, you are just making it easier for her and that is only the beginning! Oh and...many Years on, I still co-parent with my ex...Older and wiser he now realises we never stood a chance and his inability to cut those apron strings had the effect of booby-trapping what could otherwise have been a good relationship! Sad for our child but water under the bridge I wish you all the very best OP but...this is the beginning, you either stand your ground on location or prepare to capitulate on such decisions

FishHook

Whatever about your partner wanting to spend more time with his parents then his friends, which I am sure is somewhat annoying, I would strongly suggest you stick to your guns about not moving to an area 'five mins' from his parents!! A relationship is between two people, not four!!

sffc

OP - Some posters have said this behaviour by your BF is not "normal" . "Normal" is very hard to define so let's start with "Usual " . His behaviour and relationship with parents in not usual - its unusual -maybe even very unusual . That does not make it wrong in itself , what would make it wrong in this relationship is if it was unacceptable . So the real question is" is it unacceptable ?" . Only you can answer this OP because you have to accept it if he won't change . The signs are he won't and doesn't want to try . That is his right ...and we should give him credit for honesty . He isn't hiding anything .

Think of it this way : maybe out there is a girl who would love this one big happy family lifestyle . If he does surely it's not impossible . He is happy - you haven't said he isn't - you have the problem and are writing to Boards . I'm not saying it your fault - I'm saying it's your problem therefore the answer lies with you . Change does not seem an option for him at this point we must assume so you have two choices :

Stay with him (accept it maybe hoping for change in the future)
OR
End it, find someone else more suitable and let him do the same


It's that stark I'm afraid imho

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

In what context did the mother say that about you?

Ah were both drinking and to be honest I can't remember exactly maybe I gave out to him or something. His mother is quite straight and I respect her for that, but it's not up to her to give out to me if I upset her son, we're adults.

LegacyUser

This is all really getting to me today. I have to say I am really moody and hormonal at the moment so not sure if i'm overreacting. Asked him to go to a wedding with me and was told "no because he doesn't know them" Suggested something for Paddys Day, "oh we'll see." He never wants to do anything I suggest.

shoes34

How long have you been together ? Its a bit strange that he doesn't want to go to a wedding with you, maybe sit him down and try and explain to him that you want him to go with to the wedding and especially with Paddy's Day being a long weekend it would be nice to get away and do something together as a couple rather than with his family. Otherwise maybe take a step back and see if this is what you want down the road.

jdsk2006

Oh please op do not even consider moving in wit him just yet. Sort out the relationship first. He is conditioned to their influences and opinions and its useless you try fighting that. If you do continue to pour your energies into him do yourself a massive favour and never ever live anywhere near them......

Tranceypoo

Girfriendworries wrote: »

This is all really getting to me today. I have to say I am really moody and hormonal at the moment so not sure if i'm overreacting. Asked him to go to a wedding with me and was told "no because he doesn't know them" Suggested something for Paddys Day, "oh we'll see." He never wants to do anything I suggest.

Hun this is relationship 101, you go to his stuff, he goes to yours, that's how you integrate yourselves into each other lives and get to know each others families and friends.