Want to move on & rebuild marriage

Willow55

Not sure why im doing this and i'll probably get more grief than advice but here goes. About 15 months ago i seperated from my wife. I just wasnt enjoying the marriage and I felt we just were not getting along. In fact we were quite different people with different interests but as they say opposites attract. We have 3 children and im 36 years old. After I left I moved back to my parents and missed my 3 kids very much but I believed we needed this seperation. A few weeks later I joined an online dating website. It was both out of curiosity and for the thrill. I chatted to quite a few people and then came across a 31 year old woman who lived just under an hour from me. We chatted online almost every night for a month and got on very well, we discussed everything from ourselves to sexual fantasies. We had a lot in common also. After a few weeks, we trusted each other enough to swap numbers and we continued to text almost everyday. One day, she admitted to me that she had only ever had sex once and that it wasnt a great experience and because of that she avoided dates and getting into relationships ever since. She was a very attractive woman as well. I suggested we meet and to my delight she agreed. For the next few months we met on a regular basis either in hotels or outdoor secluded places to have sex and chat. It was fun,exciting and I was hooked. A few weeks before christmas however she told me that she was set up on a date by her sister with some guy she knew and it went pretty well and so a few more dates followed. Soon after she contacted me to tell me that she really liked this guy and wanted something normal and felt that we shouldnt see each other anymore. She always said she liked me and was grateful to me for all the fun she had. I told her I respected her decision but deep down I was heartbroken. I really hoped that I could have started something good with this woman. As christmas approached, my wife and I agreed to give our marriage another go. My wife is a good person and I felt I should do it for her and especially for the kids but I guess I also agreed as I no longer had this woman in my life. Today, Im still with my wife, things are better and we are both trying hard. The problem is I cant get this woman out of my head. I check my mail and phone almost daily to see if she has text and I have to fight myself everyday not to text her. Any suggestions on how I can move on from her and rebuild my marriage.

Willow55

I should add that this woman knew my situation from the start. That I was seperated and had 3 kids. I always met her in secret for fear my wife would find out even though we were seperated.

Merkin

Sometimes staying together for the sake of the kids is a really rubbish idea.Far more damaging to their wellbeing and development to grow up in an unhappy home where there's no love between the parents.If this other woman phoned you and said she'd made a mistake and wants you back what would you do? If you'd leave your wife and family for a second time then you have your answer don't you? You either go for couples counselling and decide to commit or you make the decision to leave.Don't get back with your wife when in reality you're pining for someone else.

ifElseThen

Forget about the other woman. She's moved on and so should you. Your children have already gone through you leaving once. Do you want to do this to them a second time?

Boombastic

Willow55 wrote: »

I should add that this woman knew my situation from the start. That I was seperated and had 3 kids. I always met her in secret for fear my wife would find out even though we were seperated.

This woman probably felt that you weren't in a place to start a new relationship. Why should she have had to sneak around? From her point of view, you were not ready to let go of you ex-wife. Let her go, also consider is staying in a relationship for the sake of the children the best for you and the children?

CaraMay

Forget about the girl - you were friends with benefits and she found someone with whom she could have a normal (not secretive) relationship and went for it. Sounds like you were keeping your wife sweet by not telling her you had met someone new in case you changed you mind. Because of this you lost the other girl.

Mistake no 2 was going back to a wife you don't love because you were broken hearted from someone else. Do you not think your wife deserves to meet someone who adores her? You are stopping this by moving back in with her when your heart isn't in it...

Time to stand on your own feet and not use your family as a fall back when your love affairs don't work out. Your wide didn't have time for secret trysts in hotel rooms as she was minding your kids.

Have you told your wife about this girl? Ill bet not.

ElleEm

The majority of your post centered around this new woman, and the only positive thing you said about your wife is "she is a good person". It seems, strangely, like your wife would be a sort of rebound from this woman. None of the issues that caused your break- up have changed, so getting back together is most likely the wrong idea, especially seen as you have children.

Willow55 wrote: »

Not sure why im doing this and i'll probably get more grief than advice but here goes. About 15 months ago i seperated from my wife. I just wasnt enjoying the marriage and I felt we just were not getting along. In fact we were quite different people with different interests but as they say opposites attract. We have 3 children and im 36 years old. After I left I moved back to my parents and missed my 3 kids very much but I believed we needed this seperation. A few weeks later I joined an online dating website. It was both out of curiosity and for the thrill. I chatted to quite a few people and then came across a 31 year old woman who lived just under an hour from me. We chatted online almost every night for a month and got on very well, we discussed everything from ourselves to sexual fantasies. We had a lot in common also. After a few weeks, we trusted each other enough to swap numbers and we continued to text almost everyday. One day, she admitted to me that she had only ever had sex once and that it wasnt a great experience and because of that she avoided dates and getting into relationships ever since. She was a very attractive woman as well. I suggested we meet and to my delight she agreed. For the next few months we met on a regular basis either in hotels or outdoor secluded places to have sex and chat. It was fun,exciting and I was hooked. A few weeks before christmas however she told me that she was set up on a date by her sister with some guy she knew and it went pretty well and so a few more dates followed. Soon after she contacted me to tell me that she really liked this guy and wanted something normal and felt that we shouldnt see each other anymore. She always said she liked me and was grateful to me for all the fun she had. I told her I respected her decision but deep down I was heartbroken. I really hoped that I could have started something good with this woman. As christmas approached, my wife and I agreed to give our marriage another go. My wife is a good person and I felt I should do it for her and especially for the kids but I guess I also agreed as I no longer had this woman in my life. Today, Im still with my wife, things are better and we are both trying hard. The problem is I cant get this woman out of my head. I check my mail and phone almost daily to see if she has text and I have to fight myself everyday not to text her. Any suggestions on how I can move on from her and rebuild my marriage.

This really shows that you will not be returning for the right reasons.
I echo what other posters say as well, the disruption to your children if you leave again will be so damaging.

ABajaninCork

It is interesting to note that you say your wife is a good person. But you don't say that you LOVE her. IMO I think this marriage is dead in the water. But - this is only my opinion.

I think you need more space and time to figure out what you really want. Have you been to counselling? That would be the first step.

mashedbanana

Well, If I was your wife I would want to know all about the other woman.
the other woman moved on...she wanted more then you could give her. She probably thought you had too much baggage/issues.

If you feel that your wife truly loves you, you're the father of her kids after all... then give her the opportunity to prove herself (for want of a better way to put it)

Your comparing her unfairly with someone she isn't even aware of. She has lost before she even got a fair try!

You need to consider that the OW was more sexually experienced then you were told, maybe she was playing into a fantasy?
Can you really know for sure?
Have you considered the fact that the OW used you?
Who paid for the hotel stays btw?

I think there is more to it then just 'movin back in cos of the kids'
Look within... deep inside :-)

Willow55

Thanks all for your advice i didnt realise I would get so many replies...All advice and comments are appreciated. I have a lot to think about..each day that passes, I am finding it easier to move on from this woman. My wife really does love me and I really want to get us back to the way we used to...hopefully over the coming months and weeks..it will get easier..

December2012

Are you and your wife in relationship counselling?