Did I do the right thing?

LegacyUser

Always think the advice given here usually spot on so looking for some myself.

I met a guy in September and ended up in in a sexual fling type scenario.We would meet up once a week spend the night together then have breakfast etc....... and he would leave .I would get the odd text during the week and again meet up at the weekend.This pattern continued for about 3 months . I started to have feelings for him not big "love you" feelings but wondered was there potential for us to date . I was hesitant to ask him as he had told me he was only our of a 6 year relationship since July when I met him and it seemed to have ended very badily.


So 3 months on I decide that I can't stay in the situation of meeting up once a week just to spend the night together .So told him I wanted to take things slowly but I wanted us to be in a position where we could make short term plans such as go to a gig. . I told him I wanted us to date as the arrangement we had wasn't great for me anymore and it was also preventing me from meeting other people as I was pre-occupied with our situation.

He said he knew the conversation was coming but that he didn't know what he wanted. he told me he hadn't expected to meet someone he liked so soon after his split. He asked me for time to think about the situation. I gave him time and actually felt relieved that I had told him how I felt. 2 weeks later he comes back to me and says he wants to make a go of things.We agreed to take things slowly meet up once a week and do things .

So six weeks on nothing had really changed. Unless I called him I would not here from him apart from the odd text ( I hate conducting conversation via text ,fine for a quick msg) I sat back at the weekend and thought unless I contact him or initiate meeting nothing happens. So we met up this week had a lovely night and then things went horribly wrong. We got in to a row I was very emotional which is unlike me (but think it was a build up of how i was feeling over the past six week )and I told said that unless I organsie something we dont meet up.

He got very upset but agreed with me. He seems to have lots of unresolved issues around his ex Anyway we broke up as I need more than he can give me. I can do the meeting up once a week but I can't do all the inconsistency that goes with our situation. So my question is did I do the right thing or should I have gone with the flow for another few weeks?

Thanks

ShowMeTheCash

You did the right thing.

It is my experience these types of relationship do not work out, or at least they tend not to last very long.

They are usually "Something to do until I meet someone" type relationships.

Now that's not to say that something can develop from these types of relationship but I am of the opinion, most people kind of know fairly soon if the person they are seeing is someone they want to date.

In life I try not to make do with things, I hold out for something I will flight to have.

End of the day you had become unhappy... Time to move on, find someone or have them find you...

Best of luck.

ABajaninCork

No sweetie, you weren't wrong to do this. I absolutely think you did the right thing. Clearly this guy's emotions from the break-up are still all over the place and he hasn't come to terms with it yet.

It's no-one's fault, just one of those things where the timing wasn't right for either of you.

Chin up, and move on. Someone will come along at the right time and will be the right person for YOU.

Stay strong!

Abi

As the others have said here, this is a no go by the looks of it OP.

I think he initially agreed with dating against his true wishes. He still has ex issues, but also has needs and this suited him up to now.

It doesn't suit you anymore, and if you don't want to end up hurt don't meet with him again.

changeling

Hi Op,

Why is it so acceptable these days for girls to sleep with a guy straight off the bat then when he doesn't live up to expectations, hurt and confusion arises?

Sleeping with someone hoping that a relationship will arise out of it is kind of like putting the cart before the horse. It's rare that anything real and long lasting results from this lifestyle. I don't care who says it's ok to behave this way, it isn't.

You did the right thing in finishing with him, just learn for the next time

All the best

LegacyUser

Good to hear I have done the right thing. I suppose I could have played it cool over the next few days and see if he contacted me. But what's the point in that? I hate playng games and if he was into me he would have made an effort ex or no ex. It wasn't like I was looking for a really serious relationship from the start . It just drives me mad that he came back after the conversation we had six weeks ago and wanted to give it a go. But as lot of people when giving advice here say that "actions do speak louder than words" it is so true and his actions were really lacking thanks again.

LegacyUser

changeling wrote: »

Hi Op,

Why is it so acceptable these days for girls to sleep with a guy straight off the bat then when he doesn't live up to expectations, hurt and confusion arises?

Sleeping with someone hoping that a relationship will arise out of it is kind of like putting the cart before the horse. It's rare that anything real and long lasting results from this lifestyle. I don't care who says it's ok to behave this way, it isn't.

You did the right thing in finishing with him, just learn for the next time

All the best

The sleeping together doesn't bother me and isn't the issue for me I had signed up for that at the start and when my feelings changed I made it very clear to him and gave him a chance to move on which he didn't.

ShowMeTheCash

changeling wrote: »

Hi Op,

Why is it so acceptable these days for girls to sleep with a guy straight off the bat then when he doesn't live up to expectations, hurt and confusion arises?

Sleeping with someone hoping that a relationship will arise out of it is kind of like putting the cart before the horse. It's rare that anything real and long lasting results from this lifestyle. I don't care who says it's ok to behave this way, it isn't.

You did the right thing in finishing with him, just learn for the next time

All the best

I do not think it is for you or anyone for that matter to dictate how people should behave in terms of causal or committed relationships...

The OP had explained the scenario, who is to say that she was looking for a relationship at the beginning??

You are making assumptions in that "Sleeping with someone hoping that a relationship will arise out of it" is not something the OP had stated.

She simply explained that she got to a point where she found she had feelings for him.

I find your comment above almost judgmental or as you say it "this type of lifestyle"....
What kind of lifestyle are you referring to?

Let's not get into an argument on the morality of FWB situations please

candle stick

Good to hear I did the right thing

Just clarify I did make it clear to him after a while that I wanted more. I didnt sleep wiht him for 3 months hoping it turn into a relationship. Once I knew that I wanted more I told him and gave him a chance to walk away. He took time out and then agreed he wanted to give a go too . For me this meant a change and not a continuation of what we had been previously doing.

I am well aware that a FWB situation does not dont magically turn into something else. That is why I spoke to him 6 weeks ago and told him what I wanted.

candle stick

Sorry just realised some of my unreg posts have come through now

Merkin

candle stick wrote: »

Good to hear I have done the right thing. I suppose I could have played it cool over the next few days and see if he contacted me. But what's the point in that? I hate playng games and if he was into me he would have made an effort ex or no ex. It wasn't like I was looking for a really serious relationship from the start . It just drives me mad that he came back after the conversation we had six weeks ago and wanted to give it a go. But as lot of people when giving advice here say that "actions do speak louder than words" it is so true and his actions were really lacking thanks again.

Actions do speak louder than words. I'm sure it hurts like hell but you were 100% right in asking for what you want. Well done. So many people make do with intolerable and hurtful second-best scenarios and ultimately that's far more damaging. Fearful of saying anything in case of jeopardising the equilibrium? That's no way to exist.

It's a shame that you were growing to like this man but he simply couldn't give you what you want. By acknowledging that and having things out in the open you are leaving the way clear to meet someone who does want the same things as you.

candle stick

Merkin wrote: »

Actions do speak louder than words. I'm sure it hurts like hell but you were 100% right in asking for what you want. Well done. So many people make do with intolerable and hurtful second-best scenarios and ultimately that's far more damaging. Fearful of saying anything in case of jeopardising the equilibrium? That's no way to exist.

It's a shame that you were growing to like this man but he simply couldn't give you what you want. By acknowledging that and having things out in the open you are leaving the way clear to meet someone who does want the same things as you.

Thanks yes it does hurt and I feel very sad but I do feel quite proud of myself for asking for what I want probably the first time I have ever done that. It was scary asking for what I want but I couldn't continue on with the way it was going.

beks101

Your needs simply weren't bring met and you need to set the standard for yourself when it comes to relationships.

As was mentioned, settling for less than you need, emotionally, physically, mentally, would have been far more damaging for your self esteem than dealing with this short term pain.

You are worth more than a sleepover once a week and a few random texts. Remember who you are and how important it is for you to respect your own integrity & find someone who feels privileged to have found you; not someone who comes and goes as he pleases.

Well done for standing up for yourself, not easy when your feelings are so strong. Give this guy a wide berth now and give yourself time and space to get over him.

candle stick

So have stayed really strong until today think I have a touch of what I call "Sundayitis" Sunday for me can be a long day especially as I am feeling a bit emotional .I am so tempted to call him. I know I shouldn't but feel really sad about the whole thing. I did get up early and go to the gym and had quite a productive morning which was good and grateful that I can post here. Just not comfortable sitting with feeling sad

mystic knight

it looks to me like the guy doest know what he wants but for sure its not a relationship.
Im not an expert and actually having some issues with my partner too, but in your case, I wouldn't contact that guy any more.
If he has any feelings for you, he will come to you, but if you will keep contacting him, you will be trapped in "once-a-week" thing.
I can imagine that you are torn and dont know what to do, especially because you started having feelings for him, but try to see a bigger picture.. He is not worth your pain. I would end this and concentrate on the future. Im sure you will meet someone who will be ready for a commitment and who will want YOU and not only sex once a week.
All the best!

Abi

candle stick wrote: »

So have stayed really strong until today think I have a touch of what I call "Sundayitis" Sunday for me can be a long day especially as I am feeling a bit emotional .I am so tempted to call him. I know I shouldn't but feel really sad about the whole thing. I did get up early and go to the gym and had quite a productive morning which was good and grateful that I can post here. Just not comfortable sitting with feeling sad

Calling him or seeing him again will only provide you with a temporary 'false' happiness. You have to look at the bigger picture and your future. You cannot be expected to sit around and wait for this guy to decide he wants something more, it may not ever happen at all.

You'll have to find other ways of occupying yourself. Meet up with friends or family, fill the void.

You have to be strong OP, if the right decision is to be made here.

mystic knight

I think Abi is right. Definitely call a friend and go to the cinema or something? Visit a family member? Anything, just don't call him. Time will show if he's into you as much as you'd like it. and if not, well, plenty of fish in the sea...

candle stick

Thanks Abi and and Mystic Knight yes I usually would occupy myself with lots of things.Not sure why I am not doing it this time. Not that I have been in a scenario like this before . But what I mean is when crappy things happen in general I am usually quite good at distracting myself. Never thought I would be looking forward to Monday and going back to work but I am now!

Abi

candle stick wrote: »

Thanks Abi and and Mystic Knight yes I usually would occupy myself with lots of things.Not sure why I am not doing it this time. Not that I have been in a scenario like this before . But what I mean is when crappy things happen in general I am usually quite good at distracting myself. Never thought I would be looking forward to Monday and going back to work but I am now!

Sunday is a bit of a crap day like that, it can be kinda boring. You need something constructive to do to get away from your own meandering thoughts. We all love having someone in our life, but you need get the right guy for that job hon


You could go out with someone for some food and a nice big walk, keep yourself distracted x

Flutterby80

I found Sundays to be the absolute worst day after my break up , it's a family/coupley day and everything used to feel so much worse that day than any other. All I can say to you is that 7 months later I actually really enjoy getting up when it suits me, listening to music , slapping on a face mask and chilling out in my own space. Try making Sundays a "me" day and doing exactly what you want, soon enough you will be so happy in your own company you won't even mind if you don't have plans made. Until then arrange to meet family / friends in the afternoon. I know it's hard but believe me it does get better you just need to give it time.

LegacyUser

You have done the right thing ending things with this man. You want to be a girlfriend and he wants a **** buddy or some to be there when he needs some one.
A few years ago I was involved with a man like this he was happy to have sex with me but if some one better came along he was off with them.
I give him several chances to change but we he did not ask me to a social event I knew then that I was just there when he needed someone.
From what you have told us this man has issues to deal with and when he gets over these he will meet someone else.