Girlfriend returned from travelling with baggage

DonalB1

Hi,

Tough situation I ins myself in here. My girlfriend recently returned from travelling. We were kinda going through a rough patch before she went away. While she was away she emailed me constantly telling me how she wanted to be back together an that she loved me.

Here's my issue. She's been back a few weeks, everything seemed ok. Then one a few days ago she tells me a guy she met travelling had died. She was incredible upset, constantly crying. Nothing I can do to make her feel better. She then admitted that she had drunkenly kissed this guy one night but said all they were wa friends. I'm caught here. I feel really bad for her, I can imagine what it's like losing someone you'd got to know so recently, but also I'm a little upset she ha kissed him. Also I can't question her with the state she's in!

I'm feeling really guilty about being mad at her, she wants her space right now so I'm giving her that. I'm wondering how I should approach this. Have I a right to be mad.

Any advice would be great

illicit007

Yip. I've got great advice for you. Probably the best advice your going to get. Hardest to take, but the best.

Leave her.

Sounds like she needs and wants space.

Sounds like you've got issues now with her too.

Some of the best things that can come out of people's lives is when they break free of things and create new lives and new opportunities for themselves.

Go away and concentrate on yourself. Work on you and what makes you happy. Take upa new hobby, make some new friends, change your environment, redecorate your bedroom. Things like that. You'll feel better for it and will be a better person and become more attractive because if it.

Take what you learnt from this part relationship and set high standards for your next relationship.

In case you really really don't want to hear this and you're never going to break up with her until you either grow old with her or she dumps you first.... Do everything I said above anyway. She'll find you more attractive and want you more if your bettering yourself, your life, your environment and your happiness levels, especially if you're giving her space and not calling her she'll be wondering what your up to and call or text you. Go out have a great time take photos and post them on Facebook. Make some new female friends, etc.

Either forget about this girl or start doing the right things to get her crawling back.

DonalB1

Thank you for the above post. I'm very lost and confused right now. I'm feeling very guilty too

Who am I to say how someone else should feel but what aroused my suspicion was she was inconsolable. Couldn't stop crying. If you only knew someone for a week would it be this devastating to you. Maybe I'm being cold there, I'm not sure.

All I know is I want to be supportive and there for her when she needs me but I don't want to be a doormat either. She has pushed me away here. It hurts to think she might have feelings for this guy past friendship, if that is the case then obviously we have no future. How will I ever know though?

CaraMay

So did she actually cheat on you or was it open while she was away?

How long was she away for?

Magicmatilda

I think unless you had an agreement where she could be with others then you have a right to be mad. Anyway I'm sure sure having a right comes into it, you are angry probably because you are hurt and that should be acknowledged by both you and her.

Honest I don't think I would be that inconsolable after just a drunken kiss with someone. It sounds like the connection there was pretty important to her. Also she never told you about this and I assume she wouldn't have had she not had to.

If I were you I would give her space and take some space myself to figure out what I want to do. Go out and try and enjoy life as much as you can, meet new people. Leave her be.

DonalB1

CaraMay wrote: »

So did she actually cheat on you or was it open while she was away?

How long was she away for?

Thank you for the response, also magicmatilda.
It wasn't open. She went away for 6 weeks. She said she wouldn't be with anyone and she emailed me constantly while she was away saying how she hoped I be there for her when she got back, that she loved me. What upsets me is I waited, looking forward to her return.

I can understand a drunken kiss. I wouldn't be happy but I could understand at least. She claims they were only friends and that that happened for 2 secs one night. I can't really question her now because her friend, or whatever he might have been, has died. I don't know where I stand and she has pushed me away. It's upset me but what can I do.my feelings aren't deemed important right now, the fact that I waited and helped her out isn't appreciated either.

Also in a few days I know that my lack of contact will be spun into a bad thing from her, she will either say I wasn't there for her an I should have called and text to see how she was or else when she does come round a bit she will expect me to be absolutely fine with everything, I understand and if I bring it up she'll turn it around and say I'm cold and inconsiderate.

I just don't know what a reasonable reaction to this would be from me. wht should U do/say? I don't want to be mean or not understanding.

Gooner111

It is entirely possible she could be devastated at the loss of a newly made friend. People can connect emotionally and deeply even over a short time frame. Did she give you a reason for wanting space... have you been off with her since she mentioned the kiss? Maybe she feels she can't get the support and comfort she needs from you at the moment.

However I would also be suspicious and think there might be more to it given her reaction... she kissed him albeit while drunk, she is inconsolable and she was wants space from you, her partner, rather than support and comfort. Not good signs.

She might be upset now but you don't know where you stand at the moment. I would give her till Monday and then contact her. You can't wait round wondering... won't do your sanity any good! You need to talk to her and see where you want to go from there.

CaraMay

So she was only away for 6 weeks and she managed to cheat on you... That's all you need to know. How upset can you really be about someone you knew for max 6 weeks. If you have such an emotional bond with someone you use to cheat in your boyfriend then you should not be with your bf. sorry op. she cheated and she sounds like a drama queen plus manipulative.

I'd take this opportunity to move on if I were you. If she asks why tell her she cheated and you can't deal with it. If she can't stay faithful for 6 weeks what hope is there?

DonalB1

Gooner111 wrote: »

It is entirely possible she could be devastated at the loss of a newly made friend. People can connect emotionally and deeply even over a short time frame. Did she give you a reason for wanting space... have you been off with her since she mentioned the kiss? Maybe she feels she can't get the support and comfort she needs from you at the moment.

This is what she said. I feel guilty about it but I find myself in a weird position. On the one hand, I'd like nothing better than to be there for her, on the other she kissed the guy and I want to know to what extent and why feelings she had for him.

In response to CaraMay, thank you for your advice and I kind of agree. It was 6 weeks, and while we were on the rocks a little, she was the one sending me the emails saying she loved me, telling me not to move on. I feel a bit foolish and used for putting my life on hold for her now seeing as she may have had more than just feelings of friendship for him.

Part of me wants to just wait and when she does get in contact tell her it's too late, that she kissed a guy and became emotionally involved with him while I was at home waiting for her. Part of me realises she will take this and turn it into I'm being completely cold an unreasonable. I know it sounds stupid but I don't want to come away being the bad guy. Having her think that I wasn't there for her and that I'm basically an a**hole.

CaraMay

So you stay with someone who cheated in you, walked away from you and who is capable of manipulating you by stating in a relationship with her? If anyone asks why you broke up tell them the truth - she cheated on you while travelling.

If she calls you cold and inconsiderate just respond with one word - cheat. Then block her from Facebook etc and don't look back.

LegacyUser

How exactly did this guy pass away? I'm assuming he was a young lad so it was something tragic and sudden like a car accident or the like. Grief is something that is different for everyone and each persons reaction is different. Has she ever lost someone close to her before [someone who wasn't family or very old]? Have you ever had to deal with the loss of someone like that OP? People who've never experienced a sudden death can find it very hard to understand. It may not be the anything related to her personal feelings for this person per say but rather the reaction to having someone she knew that was not related or old die suddenly. Someone said how close could she have been in 6 weeks to be so upset over his death but there is a thread in the main personal issues section about someone being upset over the death of toddler then never knew and who was killed years ago.

Years ago a girl I worked with dropped dead at home one evening and I was in shock for weeks over this. I couldn't understand why I reacted so strongly as she was someone I just knew in passing but for someone who'd only had one close relation pass away who had been very old and sick for most of my life to have someone young and healthy and the same age as me die like that really shook me.

If a drunk kiss with this guy is cheating in your books OP, for some it will be cheating for others, myself included, it wouldn't but it doesn't matter what we think if for you it's cheating then it's cheating, decide wither it's something you can work on or else move on. Stop focusing on coming out of this 'the good guy' you can't control how she thinks or reacts, if she wants to think your being cold about the whole thing then so be it, you can only control your actions.

ladygirl

I totally agree with CaraMay - Why would you stay with this girl.. She clearly thought nothing of you or your relationship if she could cheat on you after just 6 weeks!!!!!

This may sounds bad but the death of this young man has nothing to do with you or your relationship..

Break up with this girl and if anyone asks just say she cheated while she was travelling and stop worrying about coming out as the bad guy!!

I also agree that she does sound extreemely manipulative!! you need to cut all contact and move on with your life..

DonalB1

Thank you so much for all the responses. Really appreciate them.

I think I can understand the drunken kiss. I've seen people madly in love make stupid drunken mistakes like a quick kiss. It's not acceptable but I understand how it can happen.

My main issue is, was she emotionally attached to him, more than a friend? That I obviously couldn't deal with. Are there any signs or giveaways that he may have meant more to her?

She has a lot of anger towards me right now for not understanding, for even questioning the situation, which I felt I had a right to do. I do understand, a friend of mine passed away a few years ago. It was a tough time, hard to understand and comprehend. Everyone deals with I differently. She knew this pwrson for 2 weeks max.

I want to be supportive, I really do. But I feel like a fool not knowing what really happened here and she had convinced herself that I'm the bad guy so I can't question it.

illicit007

See dude. Everyone agrees. You're best bet is to do the best thing for you right now. That's take care of yourself. Basically you've done nothing wrong. You've waited faithfully and patiently. You sound like the saint in this story. Everything you're feeling is natural. Feeling guilty just means you're a nice guy who desperately wants to do the right and good thing.

The fact you feel guilty is because on one hand you've got this crying girl that you believe you should be consoling (even though she clearly doesn't want you too - why, because she's probably enjoying her grieving time thinking about this other guy and you being around is getting in the way of her doing that.)

The tough news is you're in a messed up situation that was nothing of your doing. You haven't done anything wrong here. You're not to blame. You should not feel guilty about this.

She cheated on you. You have every right in the world to move on with your life and find someone who deserves such a nice guy like you.

Like Cara said. The best and easiest thing to do would be to seperate all contact from her. Block her on facebook and email, etc etc. Never look back and find someone who deserves you.

Gooner111 wrote: »

she kissed him albeit while drunk, she is inconsolable and she was wants space from you, her partner, rather than support and comfort. Not good signs.

She might be upset now but you don't know where you stand at the moment. I would give her till Monday and then contact her. You can't wait round wondering... won't do your sanity any good! You need to talk to her and see where you want to go from there.

Gooner brings up a good point exactly and one that rang alarm bells with me. Her reaction to not wanting her partner there to support and comfort her is nothing like I've ever experience from any girl who's loved me before and everything like who the girls who didn't really like me as much I liked them acted towards me looking back on it. That's why I believe in the end this will only bring you pain and suffering. His point about waiting and seeing and talking to her and going from there, maybe being together maybe not, is an okay one. But I believe it's the wrong idea. The best course of action in my mind without a doubt buddy is find someone more deserving of you. It when we have low standards of ourselves and others that we create the most problems for ourselves and in our relationships.

Do the right thing man. You're NOT the bad person here. It's just the crappy hand you were dealt with. Nothing to feel guilty about. She's thinking about and looking after herself and doing what she wants. You need to do the same.

(p.s. perhaps her emails etc from overseas were motivated slightly by the guilt of her actions and feelings with this other guy. I know when I was in a relationship once and I met this other girl and I really fancied her, in order to try and fix things I went overly nice and loving with my gf for a while in an attempt to fix it. The whole thing dragged out for so long but eventually it had to end.)

illicit007

DonalB1 wrote: »

I think I can understand the drunken kiss. I've seen people madly in love make stupid drunken mistakes like a quick kiss. It's not acceptable but I understand how it can happen.

Yip I would forgive it if it really was just a kiss. It wouldn't be easy but I could depending on how they acted after.

DonalB1 wrote: »

My main issue is, was she emotionally attached to him, more than a friend? That I obviously couldn't deal with. Are there any signs or giveaways that he may have meant more to her?

Fair enough to wonder this and fair enough to ask it. Did she fall for him? Would she fall for someone else just as easily any time in the future?

DonalB1 wrote: »

She has a lot of anger towards me right now for not understanding, for even questioning the situation, which I felt I had a right to do.

I think you have a right too and I think if the roles were reversed she'd want to know how you really felt about this person too.

DonalB1 wrote: »

I want to be supportive, I really do. But I feel like a fool not knowing what really happened here and she had convinced herself that I'm the bad guy so I can't question it.

The way she's acting towards you is my biggest clue here. Actions speak louder than words.

It's time to move on my friend.

It's time to move on.

Abi

I really dont believe that it ended with just a kiss. Yes, by all accounts she should grieve for the guy, but she seems too consumed in it all, she had developed feelings for him imo.

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel she is being a bit cheeky flaunting this in his face?

The fact that youre consoling her OP makes it look like its okay, its not.

The relationship wasn't working out in the first place, cut this cheeky mare loose and move on.

P. Breathnach

Steady on, there, people!

Facts:

1. She said that she became friendly with this guy, admitted to a drunken kiss. It seems she said that there was nothing else.
2. She communicated regularly with OP while she was away, reassuring him that she loved him.
3. The new friend died suddenly (we don't know the circumstances) and she is devastated.
4. OP gets hit with her devastation about the death and a confession about the kiss pretty well as one package.

It seems clear that if the agenda was confined to items 1 & 2, OP could see the possibility of having a clearing-the-air conversation and getting their relationship back on track. The problem is that he is thrown by how upset she is about this guy's death, and that makes him suspicious. At the same time, it blocks the possibility for a clearing of the air about her behaviour with him.

I think that what this problem needs is a bit of time and space.

People differ, and this girl's reaction to a friend's death might simply be her way of dealing with what must be a shocking experience. it might not signify that she was emotionally tied to him in a boy/girl way. We just cannot know that.

To my mind, one stupid drunken kiss is not a basis for ending a relationship, and OP's girl friend should be allowed to make her apologies and have an opportunity to convince OP that she can now be relied on to get her act together. OP should equally have the right to explore if it was simply just one moment of stupidity.

OP, I suspect that you would not be here unless you wanted to see if your relationship has a chance. I think it might have. I suggest that you give her space for now, but do not withdraw entirely from her. Contact her and ask her how she is feeling. Allow her to tell you, without questioning her too much. Put your own feelings on hold for the time being: don't, for now, seek a full report on what happened while she was away. It will almost certainly come out in the next few weeks as she processes her emotional turmoil.

illicit007

P Breathnach has made some very good and wise points for the other side of the argument here. However it hasn't changed my opinion. The relationship was facing problems before she went away and it only seems more problematic and messy now.

From my experience good long term relationships don't start off with so many problems. Sure there may be a hick-up along the way. But if someone is really really right for you, it feels pretty much amazing all the way through. But what do any of us know after all we're all just strangers on the internet with partial privy to the information. If it doesn't feel right, usually it's because it isn't.

Abi

Cheating is not okay because a guy is dead.

Emailing him saying she loved him then kisses another guy.

Girl is falling apart over one kiss?

Please.

Stavro Mueller

DonalB1 wrote: »

My main issue is, was she emotionally attached to him, more than a friend? That I obviously couldn't deal with. Are there any signs or giveaways that he may have meant more to her?

To me the answer's flashing up in great big neon lights - the way she's grieving for this lad.

Sorry OP but she is taking you for a mug here. You sound like a nice guy and someone who wants to think the best of your girlfriend. She obviously knows this and is milking it for what it's worth.

DonalB1

Im very greatful for all the responses. Everyone has made great points. I'm trying to look at it from her point of view also, sometimes it's easy to get caught up in your own feelings.

I can't for a second question her in regards to how much she's grieving, for obvious reasons but it did seem a little much to me for a guy she was friendly with for a week or so. She hasn't stopped being sad in 3-4 days. It seems a bit much.

Looking at it, it doesn't all add up. I know no matter what I do I'm at a loss. If I decide to trust her in what she's saying, it has the potential to blow up in my face a few months down the line and it's gonna make me feel very foolish and upset. If I tell her it doesn't add up and that it's not really acceptable, she'll turn it on me and say I'm not being reasonable and that I'm cold hearted.

I don't really want contact for now, or if there is some I want it to be her to apologise for hurting me, I know it sounds childish...but this has hurt me and I feel she doesn't even care how she's hurt me. If I don't contact her then I'm being cold hearted again, and not there for her when she needs me.

I've always been there for her when others haven't, it hurts me now that I'm the bad guy for not understanding. I'd just love to know the truth.

illicit007

DonalB1 wrote: »

know no matter what I do I'm at a loss. If I decide to trust her in what she's saying, it has the potential to blow up in my face a few months down the line and it's gonna make me feel very foolish and upset. If I tell her it doesn't add up and that it's not really acceptable, she'll turn it on me and say I'm not being reasonable and that I'm cold hearted.

Exactly. Which is why the best course of action would be to cut contact and move on. I'd much rather move on to find something better for myself than set myself up to be made a fool of again in the future (possibly even worse off next time.) Don't be no ones door mat. Man up, go out there and snag yourself an amazing women. Believe me buddy there's plenty of amazing single women out there right now wishing the right man would come along and swoop them up.

DonalB1 wrote: »

I don't really want contact for now, or if there is some I want it to be her to apologise for hurting me, I know it sounds childish...but this has hurt me and I feel she doesn't even care how she's hurt me.

It's not childish at all. The right thing for her to do would be after she gets over her grieving and gets her head screwed on would be to apologise and try really hard to make it up to you for hurting you like this (going away on a long holiday and smoothing and developing feelings for another guy.)

Cutting contact is the best thing to do.

DonalB1 wrote: »

If I don't contact her then I'm being cold hearted again, and not there for her when she needs me.

I've always been there for her when others haven't, it hurts me now that I'm the bad guy for not understanding. I'd just love to know the truth.

She's pushing you away already and doesnt' want you to be there for her when she needs you. You're not cold hearted at all, stop that nonsense.

Regarding knowing the truth. 9/10 you'll never get the whole truth out of someone who's hurt you. For countless reasons, they don't want to hurt you any more than they have too, they don't even know themselves what the 'truth' is.

This would all be much less of a head fu(k if you put it all behind you.

Neyite

Abi wrote: »

Cheating is not okay because a guy is dead.

Emailing him saying she loved him then kisses another guy.

Girl is falling apart over one kiss?

Please.

I agree that she was emotionally involved. I've known people who died tragically who I snogged. Without emotional attachment, I would have been saddened for their family, or the tragic loss of a young life, but I wouldnt have cried, or mourned. Thats what close friends, girlfriends, and family do.

Its quite clever really, she admitted to cheating on you and actually manipulated it so that YOU are consoling HER.

Hmmm... I'd be packing her bags for her. Drunk kiss is one thing, emotional attachment is quite another. I'd forgive the first I think (eventually) but not the second.

MPB

Dude, she needs to be shown the door. A kiss is one thing and she wouldnt be the first to do that but 6 weeks away and to be this upset about someone she met during that time deserves serious questions. Whoever he is/was she has a lot of attachment to him. Id have serious questions around it just being a kiss but its not fair to make suggestions. I had a drunken kiss one night with someone else and it wasnt anything more. Couldnt even tell you her name now and certainly never gave her a though since it happened.
The other thing Im questioning here is her daily emails. Was that as a result of guilt and keeping you sweet? Again I could be a billion miles off track here but now that shes back and she wants "space" even though your the bf and shes inconsolable over some dude she had a drunken kiss with. Id have her bags packed long ago. Have had a few raw hard deals from a few ex's and Im more than harsh now in my approach but for me all the signals from her are bad and I couldnt trust/believe what shes telling you. Other than what shes telling you is there any other source you could get info from? If all her story checks out then fair enough but if theres no-one you can get anything from you really are relying on what she tells you and at the end of the day is it the truth or an absolute lie from start to finish.
Anyway mate thats how I see it and easy for me see and say things looking at it from an outsider point of view. Completely different when your the one invoved in it I know. Best of luck mate and I hope it all works out for you one way or another.

LegacyUser

Sorry but if he was just a friend who she knew for 6 weeks and had a '2 second kiss' with theres no way she would be this upset. My guess is she did a lot more with him over those 6 weeks and a lot more than once. Crying uncontrollably is the action of someone who was VERY emotionally attached to this person.

Holsten

End the relationship and forget about her.

She cheated on you, simple.

realgirl

OP your feelings are equally as important as hers. She has a right to grieve for her friend and you have a right to feel hurt and angry over the betrayal of the kiss. Even though someone has died which is a big deal to say the least, it doesn't mean that you suddenly have no feelings of your own or that they don't matter. It seems that in your efforts to not look uncaring or unreasonable you are allowing yourself to be manipulated. I've been there myself. You said yourself you are afraid she will twist the story of the situation to make you look bad. To me that is the main problem here, not the kiss and whether or not it was more than that. Forget about who is going to look like the bad guy here and do what feels right. If some other people think you've been mean or unsupportive remember they don't understand the full truth as you do and don't know what they're talking about. You need to do what's right for you. I suggest you start with allowing your own feelings to be of equal importance to this situation as hers. Good luck.

JustAThought

Omg what is this; the Ive been cheated on and hurt and so am suspicious & hating of all women posters thread?

I can't believe the levels of animosity and hardness towards this woman from other posters ( not op)

Your GF who said repeatedly when she went away that she loved you took a break from a rocky relationship & went on a holiday/trip.

While away she kept in contact, sharing her good times with you and making you feel involved & loved/wanted.

During this time she had a few drinks too many & kissed a guy & told you.

She is now. Back having continuously told you how much you mean to her; one of her new friend has been killed & she is distraught.

You are focusing on the kiss & the implications for yourself while she is crying night & day & distraught.

OP. You're not winning any prizes or ever going to get top marks for emotional support, unselfishness or empathy.

People can be very close to friends & being abroad can bring tighter bonds & experiences that are shared - adventures, mishaps, crazy things! It dosn't mean they're sleeping with each other. She was honest. You respond with jealousy (ok) but fundamental mistrust. At the best time of her life she lept you involved, feeling safe & loved & involved & wanted. At the worst time of hers ; it really dosn't seem terribly like you're offering much.

If she was so in love with him
She wouldn't want you around. Grief acts differently with different people.
Try a little tenderness.

professore

Did she tell you anything about how he died or any details about the guy at all?

Have you considered the possibility that she's making it all up? Or just trying to get out of the relationship but doesn't have the guts to say it directly?

Abi

professore wrote: »

Did she tell you anything about how he died or any details about the guy at all?

Have you considered the possibility that she's making it all up? Or just trying to get out of the relationship but doesn't have the guts to say it directly?

I was thinking that she possibly knew him from prior to the trip away. Either personally or online or something. The whole thing just doesn't add up.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you don't go to bits over someone you hardly know. Even if she met him on day one of her 6 week trip, I'm still not buying it.

Lorna123

I really think that this girl is just suffering from shock that somone so young has died. I don't know what the circumstances of his death were but something like this can really get to a person and it doesn't mean that they were attracted to the guy either. I remember one time I was totally devastated to read in the paper about the death of a young man whom I never even met. I actually cried over the circumstances and even though things like that happen on a regular basis I just found this particular case devastating and it took me weeks to shrug it off.

Now your g/f actually knew this guy and I am sure his death must have been accidental and I can appreciate how shocked your g/f is about this. Even if he died of an illness it would not be any the less shocking for her.

I don't think your g/f was attracted to this guy, she is just suffering from shock. I would not mention this kiss ever if I were you, what's the point, the guy is dead now so it will never ever amount to anything and sometimes drink can lead to the odd kiss that means nothing.

So based on the above I would stop turturing yourself over this and just be sympathetic towards your g/f, tell her you understand how she feels that you are very sorry that she has lost a friend and ask her how you can ease things for her.

Don't worry about any of this as there is nothing wrong with your relationship just because she is shocked at the death of a friend.

dellas1979

OP were you on here by any chance a few weeks ago with a thread about her being away and not contacting you in a few days?

The first thing I would be doing is getting answers off her - what exactly happened and how did she feel and how does she feel (about the relationship). Grief/shock or not, she should be able to handle this (she knew him a week). She will be able to give you the answers you are looking for. But it does sound like she formed some emotional attachment to him, whether it was as friends (the kiss she says lasted 2 seconds) or she fancied/like him.

fungun

Neyite wrote: »

I agree that she was emotionally involved. I've known people who died tragically who I snogged. Without emotional attachment, I would have been saddened for their family, or the tragic loss of a young life, but I wouldnt have cried, or mourned. Thats what close friends, girlfriends, and family do.

Its quite clever really, she admitted to cheating on you and actually manipulated it so that YOU are consoling HER.

Hmmm... I'd be packing her bags for her. Drunk kiss is one thing, emotional attachment is quite another. I'd forgive the first I think (eventually) but not the second.

Totally agree. She has managed to turn a situation where she cheated into you feeling bad. She cheated on you and is annoyed with you.....and doesnt even allow for any upset on your part....where is the balance?

Also sorry to be really cynical, but do you have any evidence that he actually died & didnt just dump her and she is really upset about it.

either way, id move on

illicit007

fungun wrote: »

Also sorry to be really cynical, but do you have any evidence that he actually died & didnt just dump her and she is really upset about it.

either way, id move on

Yeah what has she told you apart from she kissed some guy and he died?

There seems to be a lack of information here. Anything you're not telling us? Or has she really offered up so little info those far? If so I'd suggest stepping back until she's ready to tell you all the information. If you're still considering taking to her about it that is.

Karen8

JustAThought wrote: »

Omg what is this; the Ive been cheated on and hurt and so am suspicious & hating of all women posters thread?

I can't believe the levels of animosity and hardness towards this woman from other posters ( not op)

Your GF who said repeatedly when she went away that she loved you took a break from a rocky relationship & went on a holiday/trip.

While away she kept in contact, sharing her good times with you and making you feel involved & loved/wanted.

During this time she had a few drinks too many & kissed a guy & told you.

She is now. Back having continuously told you how much you mean to her; one of her new friend has been killed & she is distraught.

You are focusing on the kiss & the implications for yourself while she is crying night & day & distraught.

OP. You're not winning any prizes or ever going to get top marks for emotional support, unselfishness or empathy.

People can be very close to friends & being abroad can bring tighter bonds & experiences that are shared - adventures, mishaps, crazy things! It dosn't mean they're sleeping with each other. She was honest. You respond with jealousy (ok) but fundamental mistrust. At the best time of her life she lept you involved, feeling safe & loved & involved & wanted. At the worst time of hers ; it really dosn't seem terribly like you're offering much.

If she was so in love with him
She wouldn't want you around. Grief acts differently with different people.
Try a little tenderness.

You probably misread OP words. She only knew him for a week, its not a friend you knew for years and spent good and bad times together, have many memories etc. And she doesnt want her bf around now.

P. Breathnach

I am mindful of the rule that we are not supposed to get into debates here, but I have to say that I am troubled by the hard line that seems to be emerging.

OP is troubled by the fact that his girlfriend kissed another guy. That's his core issue. He might be able to get past it if he could have a proper discussion with her and be convinced that it was a drink-induced moment of stupidity, and she realised her mistake straight away and put a stop to things. That is possibly the truth.

Part of such an interpretation is she she developed some affection for her new friend; it's not as if he was a stranger to her, or became one afterwards. There might have been words like "Listen, xxx, I'm really fond of you, but I love my boyfriend, so can we mark this down as a mistake, and remain friends". Many relationships have been impacted by such mistakes, and people have got over them. I am sure that it often happens that the person making the mistake never tells his or her partner, and no real harm is done.

OP's problem was precipitated by the death of this man, and his girlfriend's strong reaction to the death. I don't think I am in a position to explain her reaction. It is possible that her loss of a friend was compounded by an element of guilt over the kiss (that could explain why she confessed it to OP).

OP, I ask you to reflect on this: have you focused more on the kiss than her loss of a friend? Might her position be that you are making more of a stupid mistake that she regrets than of the fact that somebody that she was fond of has died tragically young? Have you put the cart before the horse?

I do not suggest that you should ignore her mistake (or betrayal, or cheating, or whatever it is). What I did, and still do, suggest is that you allow her cope with her grief first, and offer her support in that. In the not-too-distant future you can deal with your issues with her.

Whispered

Abi wrote: »

I was thinking that she possibly knew him from prior to the trip away. Either personally or online or something. The whole thing just doesn't add up.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you don't go to bits over someone you hardly know. Even if she met him on day one of her 6 week trip, I'm still not buying it.

People can and do regularly have very strong reactions to the death of people they don't know very well. If the circumstances were shocking, if they had been speaking to the person only hours before their death, if they were in the place they died due to the other person etc.

I don't think there is anything to suggest that the girl knew him before.

Abi

Whispered wrote: »

People can and do regularly have very strong reactions to the death of people they don't know very well.

Should it go on for several days? I don't think so.

If the circumstances were shocking, if they had been speaking to the person only hours before their death, if they were in the place they died due to the other person etc.

Again, it doesn't mean days and days of crying. That level of grief suggests a more than friends connection.

I don't think there is anything to suggest that the girl knew him before.

It may or may not have been the case. I was suggesting that the level of grief being displayed was not that of a brief friendship with someone.

She openly admitted cheating with this guy, however I don't think the full story has been told here. I'm not getting the impression that she has even apologised to the OP for cheating at all. But instead this mans death means shes exempt from being in the wrong?

Anyway, if you disagree that's fine. thats just my take on it ^

Whispered

Abi wrote: »

Should it go on for several days? I don't think so.


Again, it doesn't mean days and days of crying. That level of grief suggests a more than friends connection.


It may or may not have been the case. I was suggesting that the level of grief being displayed was not that of a brief friendship with someone.

She openly admitted cheating with this guy, however I don't think the full story has been told here. I'm not getting the impression that she has even apologised to the OP for cheating at all. But instead this mans death means shes exempt from being in the wrong?

Anyway, if you disagree that's fine. thats just my take on it ^

I wasn't really commenting on the fact she's admitted cheating, it's kind of besides the point I was making. I my opinion, it seems there are really two things at play here, the fact she admitted kissing someone else, and the level of grief over someone with whom she had such an apparently insignificant relationship.

People are saying there is no way her grief is genuine, or that there is no way it was only a friendship, a short one at that. This could well be the case, but it's also likely the girl was faced by her first shock death and is finding it hard to deal with. I know the first shock death I dealt with shook me badly and I spent a very long time crying, not sleeping etc. I wasn't so much crying over the person, but I was worried sick about everybody I knew. Like the way life "should" be isn't the way it is. The world didn't feel as safe anymore.

ibarelycare

I can't believe that people in here are so unaccepting of the girl's reaction to someone's death. When I was in college, I knew a couple to see on nights out, they were "friends of friends" I guess. I probably met them around 8 or 9 times in total, and the last time would have been 5 or 6 years ago at least. I heard just over 18 months ago that they were in a horrific car crash in Australia and the girl died. It was like the wind was knocked out of me when I heard. I'm an emotional enough person, but not irrationally so. But I was very upset for at least a week afterwards. I wasn't crying constantly but every so often the tears would just come out of nowhere. And that was after not seeing the girl for years.

The OP's girlfriend has only had a very recent shock and it has obviously knocked her for six. I think it's really unfair to question her level of grief and use it against her the way people are. I think she needs to be cut some slack.

OP I think you need to separate the kiss and your girlfriend's reaction to her friend's death. If there was no kiss, how would you feel about how she is acting now? Would you automatically be suspicious that something had gone on between them? And what if the drunken kiss had occurred and the guy hadn't died but your girlfriend had confessed to you. Would you be able to move on and forgive her?

B.A._Baracus

I'll add my two cents to this one.
Op, you've got 3 nagging things going on here that when come together dont quite sit right.

1, before going away you and her were on the rocks.
2, over there she then says she misses you & loves you (a turn around)
3, she was upset at the death of someone she met on holidays. Later to be revealed as a man she had "kissed"

Being brutally honest, Sounds like she slept with this man. Thus explaining the true grievance she has over his death. It also explains the sudden "turn around" whilst on holiday (guilty after sleeping with another man) I know others disagree with that but thats my opinion through and through.

a posse ad esse

There is really too much speculation. Everyone's thoughts about the situation ranging from sexual relations to being distraught over a death are all valid points. However, my thoughts on the situation is you don't know what really happened between these two until you actually confront her upfront. She wants space now, give it to her, once the shock dissipates and she calls and wants to meet you than you can speak to her more about it in detail if you wish. I don't know how long you've both been together but unless she is a sociopath you would be able to decipher if she is being truthful or not. The thing is EVERYONE handles death differently and it doesn't matter if someone knew an individual that well to react in such a way. Death is a shocking experience.

We could all sit here and speculate as to what really happened. Everyone has made some good arguments on both sides but if you really want to know what happened you are going to have to speak to her in more detail yourself. At the end of the day, whatever she tells you, you need to decide if you believe her and want to continue in this relationship or not.

Have got to agree with Abi here, it sounds to me like the grief is too much for someone known for a supposed short amount of time.
Did she have an internet relationship with this person before she left the country, especially considering the bumpy patch you guys had? Were the emails declaring love her showing her guilt for doing something wrong? Did much travelling happen at all or was it all concentrated on one area - indicating the trip was to see him or travel with him.
And what were the circumstances of his death? Is it possible that he asked her to stay or she told him she was coming back to you and he has taken his own life thus explaining her inconsolable grief?

You need answers and where possible....proof!

P. Breathnach

OP's girlfriend admitted to kissing this man.

This has been escalated into a pre-planned holiday together, a full-on sexual relationship, and his committing suicide because she returned to OP.

All because she was upset when this man died.

Abi

P. Breathnach wrote: »

OP's girlfriend admitted to kissing this man.


All because she was upset when this man died.

Even if you put no pass on her extended grief for someone she hardly knew, there is the above fact.

Also, she was more than a bit upset:

DonalB1 wrote: »

Then a few days ago she tells me a guy she met travelling had died. She was incredible upset, constantly crying. Nothing I can do to make her feel better. .. Also I can't question her with the state she's in!

The state shes in? the constant crying?



If my partner of 3yrs (god forbid!) passed away I'd be in bits like this. If I had kissed a guy I met while away had died, I'd be a bit shocked and saddened. I'm not a heartless person, but the reaction was way over the top for someone she befriended briefly and had a drunken kiss with.

It doesn't add up.

Princess Peach

I really agree that the cheating and the grief she feels need to be separated, as her grief doesn't signify anything suspicious to me.

I'm a very emotional person and have had some bad reactions to deaths a few times. A cousin I had never met who committed suicide, a girl a few years ahead me in school who died suddenly, a few people I know who lost parents I never met. I can't say I knew these people well but was still very upset, doesn't imply I knew them any more than I let on, I just don't deal with death well.

I've been travelling before and you can form a good friendship with people you only spend a few days with. And I would be upset if even years on now I heard someone I had known for a short amount of time died, especially as they are very young. Always tragic.

Whether you can forgive the admission of the kiss is one matter, but I don't think you should be reading into her reaction anymore. Death affects everyone differently.