Unable to be there

LegacyUser

A very close friend of mine's close relative is suffering a terminal illness.
Unfortunately their death is just a matter of time.
I'm living abroad and doing all I can by visiting when I'm home, making regular contact and offering support as best I can. My friend always says they are very grateful for this although I feel at times helpless in doing much from such a distance.

I'm in a big dilemma, as when the time of passing comes I'm not sure I'll be able to just get on a flight to be there. I'm guilt ridden as I expect my friend expects me to be there...
My job is very new, as yet I'm on a trial. I went through a lot to get this position and as yet I'm trying to prove myself. I want to remain anonymous but it's a job which not everybody is trained to do so if I'm absent a replacement is needed at a cost to the employer. As I have no definite contract yet, my continued employment is based on performance etc.

I already know that time off will not be granted for a friend's relative's passing.
If I can somehow argue time off, I will lose out on pay and have to borrow money for flights to make it home.

I've already planned that if and when it happens I will come home that weekend to be there for them as I know the aftermath of a funeral can be testing.

What I'm wondering is whether this will be enough? Will I be letting my friend down in not being there for the funeral? Any advice on the matter would be very much appreciated.

Neyite

I think they will understand. With a bereavement the house usually has a flow of people to distract (even if you specify "house private" in the death notice, a lot of neighbours think that does not apply to them) but its the weeks afterwards when you have an empty chair at the table and an absence of that person is when it gets harder, so why not offer to be a support then instead? Or you can be there down the line when they need to go through the personal effects, or for the Months Mind mass, or the first birthday of the deceased after their passing. If you cant make the funeral, there are lots more times when your friend could really use someone to lean on and a shoulder to cry on.

CaraMay

I don't think anyone would expect a friend to travel home from abroad for a funeral. You can be of as much support with regular phone calls etc

ABajaninCork

Same thing happened to me. Close relative of mine died and I couldn't get back for the funeral. I was absolutely gutted, even though I knew my relative would've understood.

I don't know if you're religious, but what we did was to have a Mass said here on the same day the funeral took place. Of course, there's lots of different ways you can remember your friend when you come home.

It could even be something as simple as just lighting a candle at home to remember. I always think the most support is needed after the funeral when everybody's gone. Perhaps you could call weekly just to say 'Hello' and ask how things are?

LegacyUser

My aunt passed away 2 years ago from a long illness while I was aboard. I was very close to my cousin and aunt and made every effort to come home when I could and sent loads of texts and Facebook comments to both. I couldn't afford to come home for the funeral as I'd flown home the weekend before to see my aunt. For the year after she passed I felt such guilt at not making the funeral but I had a sit down with my cousin for one evening when I was home just the two of us and she said it meant more to her that was I there for her in the weeks and months after her mother died to support her as alot of her friends and family wanted/expected her to 'move on' after x amount of time and she felt she couldn't talk with any of them. While it's good to be able to go offer support at a funeral it's the long term support that is more needed. Many people will just show for the funeral and then move on but your friend will need your support after all the funeral activity is gone. Just keep being there for when you can.