How to show her how serious i am

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I am a 31 year old guy going through a pretty tough time, all of which is of my own making. I cheated on my gf of 6 years back in October and obviously have huge regrets over that. She took me back and things were a bit patchy for the next 2 months. We had a small argument and i mean small over xmas, but i made way too much out of it, and in a moment of complete madness i left her parents house, whom we were visiting with our young daughter. I was angry and I could feel the tension in her parents house as they also knew of my infidelity, and i can understand why they were cold with me. For some reason, i let everything build up in my head and left, something i have never done before. I went home, but she stayed in her parents as they were understandably furious with my immature behaviour.

To make a long story short, she didnt come back and is now living with her parents along with our daughter, which happens to be 150 miles away. They have had to move my daughter to another school which was so unfair on her, but i take full responsibility. I am seeing a counsellor for the last 2 months to deal with various things going on in my life, including my infidelity, stress from work and exams. It is going incredibly well, but only since after xmas, as i have finally woking up and realised that life doesnt have to be so difficult if i just let my feelings out.

Not sure what kind of advice im looking for, but my gf/ex and i still talk everyday and see eachother at week ends when i pick up my daughter. She tells me she loves me as i do her, but she is afraid i will hurt her again. I know in my heart of hearts that i will never hurt her or cause her pain again. We are on a "break" as they call it. Is there any hope for us? We went to couples counselling last week together and she said it was helpful and it was. We even spent valentines night together. How can i show her how serious i am about getting our relationship back on track without smothering her or scaring her away? I would appreciate if i dont get any huge negative comments about my cheating. I was an asshole and have learned from my mistake. I am responsible and its because of my stupid mistakes which has got me to where i now am, in a black hole, and which has hurt the one and only woman i truly love.

Thanks folks

Thanks for all advices

Neyite

You destroyed 6 years worth of trust in October and you need to give your partner time on this one. She is with her parents because they offer stability, which you (as your storming off in Dec, and your cheating in Oct shows) dont offer her. She cant trust you and she cant rely on you anymore.

I acknowledge that it must be hard for you to be a weekend dad at the moment, but overcoming infidelity and other issues take time. Great that you are getting counselling, but you only signed up when she left you. You didnt feel counselling for your stress and infidelity was necessary beforehand, so while you may have thought it easy to move on, its not.

Its not up to you anymore. You want to put your cheating behind you, but you cant if your ex is still trying to process it. And she deserves to take whatever time she needs to try (if she wants) to fix what you broke - you dont get to have an opinion on that. So, all you can do is wait. Words wont be trusted, actions will be only marginally more so, but maybe, in time once she sees you have no interest in anyone but her and rebuilding your family she might reconsider.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

You destroyed 6 years worth of trust in October and you need to give your partner time on this one. She is with her parents because they offer stability, which you (as your storming off in Dec, and your cheating in Oct shows) dont offer her. She cant trust you and she cant rely on you anymore.

I acknowledge that it must be hard for you to be a weekend dad at the moment, but overcoming infidelity and other issues take time. Great that you are getting counselling, but you only signed up when she left you. You didnt feel counselling for your stress and infidelity was necessary beforehand, so while you may have thought it easy to move on, its not.

Its not up to you anymore. You want to put your cheating behind you, but you cant if your ex is still trying to process it. And she deserves to take whatever time she needs to try (if she wants) to fix what you broke - you dont get to have an opinion on that. So, all you can do is wait. Words wont be trusted, actions will be only marginally more so, but maybe, in time once she sees you have no interest in anyone but her and rebuilding your family she might reconsider.

Thanks for your input on this Neyite

I wasn't clear regarding when I took up counselling, it was in fact towards the end of November so more like 3 months I guess. I have taking the counselling very seriously since I left, and have tried through actions, to show her how serious I am. She is the only woman I want, and the only woman I love and I want to rebuild our family. Yes you are right, she needs space and time and is still processing everything that happened. She needs to make the decision for her and I am really trying to give her space. I have tried to imagine being in her shoes and yes, i can see why she is very hesitant.

Her parents relationship no longer exists. They just live in the same house, in seperate bedrooms. So it doesn't not help that she has seen something very similiar happen to her parents, something which is now happening to her.

What I am doing at the moment is focusing on my daughter. I make out plans for what we will do at the weekend and we do these activities if its what she wants to do. I miss them very much. If it doesn't work out with us, I will have learned a very very important lesson.

I wake up in the morning and look at the other side of my bed. I look over at my daughters bed which is empty, and the guilt is eating me up. The guilt of causing so much hurt to them, and leaving them with no choice to come back after i left.

However, I will take each day at a time. At the moment, I can only be a great dad, which I have always done, and I will continue doing that (despite my selfish actions over xmas). My ex is coming around to the idea that we will be together in the future, on her terms of course, which I accept.

goose1

Yes, you were awful. But these things can be understood sometiimes. Yo were together 6 years. Were you concerned about your future? For the record I don't accept this as reason but I hear your peers do.....Please just start treating her well and I mean WELL.....make it up to her with breakfast in bed, if she doesnt want you staying bring it on a plate to surprise her in the morning, most of all show NO interest in celebrities etx, I know that sounds harsh but for as long as it takes to get over you, hearing about celebs you fancy wont help/

illicit007

I've been in a similar situation. Sounds like she wants you back but is like a sorely wounded animal and us scared if you now.

The only way to win her back is to change yourself and become a better person non every way.

Make yourself nicer to be around and more attractive. Make yourself more happy in yourself and positive and kind and caring.

You owe it to her now to be everything for her and give her everything she needs and wants but at the same time don't force anything. Give her her distance and respect if and if she needs a year or two or even more to get over it then give it to her.

Eventually shell mainly mover past it but of course it will always be there.

Leave your phone and computer etc open and unlocked and email and Facebook etc open and go out to the shops etc to let her look through your stuff. Don't tell her that you're doing that but give her the opportunities so it shows you have nothing to hide and that.

Basically you gotta win her tryst back. You gotta be much better person all round, for her sake and if you want a chance to get her back and because you owe it to her. And you gotta let her dictate what and when. Don't push, shell let you know. At the same time do let her know you want her back and you're going to be here for her but at the same time give her all the space she needs and you'll be faithfully waiting for her to take you back even if you have to wait forever. In the meantime while you're waiting.. Work on yourself. Good luck.

illicit007

P.s typing on phone forgive spelling grammar etc, I know parts of that post didn't read so well.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies

I am bettering myself and she has even said that she noticed changes in me over the last 2 months when i see her, saying that I seem more happier, less stressed etc. Ive started getting fit again in the last 2 weeks, and started meeting a couple of friends i havnt seen in a while. I want to be a better person not only for my benifit, but for the benefit of the 2 most important people in my life.

How much is too much when telling her how much I want her. I dont bring our future up constantly, but I do try and let her know that it is her who I want to spend my future with. I was thinking of writing her letter and giving it to her this evening? But I dont want to scare her if you get me. Anyway, I think i will go ahead and write it, letting her know how sorry I am, how much I love her etc. Good or bad idea?

CaraMay

You see not matter how much you tell her you love her, she might never forgive you. I don't think I could if my other half cheated on me and my baby. She may still love you but she doesn't trust you, with good reason and I suspect these changes would need to be in place for a much longer time for her to ever trust you again.

Cheating was all about you and this seems to be all about what you want as well. You aren't willing to let her get her head around it in her own timescale. You want her back so you are continuously plugging away. I suspect she sees through this and knows its still all about you. When you cheat in your family you don't always get a second chance op.

LegacyUser

Hi Caramay

I am trying to give her space while still letting her know that i do love her, but not in a smothering way. She is obviously questioning my love for her, so i just want her to know that i still love her whatever she decides.

illicit007

Cara is right man. You gotta give her space and time and respect. Telling her you love her isn't going fix or accomplish anything. Now is the time for action. You said "How much is too much when telling her how much I want her" I think anything more than probably once a week is too much. Even saying it less than that would be better. You'd be better off with saying stuff like that less often and showing her in other ways you're changing as a person. Hearing something is harder to believe than seeing it man. Imagine it from her side. If it happened to you and the chick was like "I love you" deep down inside you'd probably be thinking "bullock ya do then why did ya sleep with that other fella?!" but not saying it out loud. So in reality the act of saying I love you or whatever has more negative consequences than good. But if that same chick did something really thoughtful and lovely and nice you'd probably think ahh that was nice of her.

You're on the right track with getting fit and healthy. What you need is a lot of time on your own, in the gym or headphones on going for a run. Get your zen on. You feel me?

Then you need time socialising, practise being a better person with other people. Feel the love and respect well up from inside you and start sharing it with people around you. Let it come from inside. Let it come out through your eyes and your face and your actions and the tone of your words. Be happy, be respectful. Be the type of man you wish you could be.

Improve your environment is a big one. First step, get tidy. Second step start improving things. Look around you, what could be better? Women want to be in a nice environment. Warm, comfortable, well decorated and colour co-ordinated. In order to attract the best mate you gotta make the best nest Redecorate perhaps, get a paint colour book from your local hardware store and ask people for advice what colours go well together if you cant' decide yourself. (Don't ask her, you want things to be surprises! You want her to see the result of your improvements, not know about them before they start happening.)

You want her to see all these improvements and for her to be the one to bring them up. That way you're being humble not boastful. (btw I'm never implying your boastful etc, just saying the best way to be in my opinion.)

You did say she's noticing your happier etc which is great. Keep it up. Keep it up.

Say to her maybe once a fortnight at the maximum. "I love you and I always will, I'll wait for you forever." Hold you gaze for just long enough, and show it in your eyes more than anything that you mean it. Then look away, smile and start talking again in an up-beat manner, about something regular like nice too see you again!, hope everything goes well with..." big smile, see you later etc. That way you're getting your message across but you're not forcing anything, your not making it uncomfortable or difficult for her.

Because if you say to her too often "I love you" etc it will be stiffing. She'll feel a little smothered. Here she is, a women, standing there having to listen while her ex-partner who she loved and adored for years stands telling her that he loves her after he's cheated on her. She's too scared and hurt to take you back right now, so stiffing her with this kind of talk with be counter productive. You have to make her feel good. You have to be comfortable and easy and enjoyable to be around. More so than you were when you were together.

I said it before and I'll say it again "You owe it to her now to be everything for her and give her everything she needs (including space) and wants but at the same time don't force anything. Give her her distance and respect if and if she needs a year or two or even more to get over it then give it to her."

It's not about you anymore, like the previous poster said, it's about her. Like the previous poster said there's a good chance all this might not work out in your favour. So you have to make peace with that. I think once you do make peace with that, it will show in your expression and your presence etc. Women are very highly intuitive creatures. The pick up on how you're thinking and feeling much much more than us men can. She will see how you feel, you don't have to tell her. Show her. Be the best man that you can be. If she doesn't want the best you that you can be, then that's all you can do. Either way it will work out for the best as long as you be your best. Peace brother.

Abi

lost2013 wrote: »

I wake up in the morning and look at the other side of my bed. I look over at my daughters bed which is empty, and the guilt is eating me up.

Actions have consequences. I'm not going to have a go at you for cheating, because you can see what you've lost now that you're alone.


If you want any chance of filling those beds again you stay patient and dedicated to doing so. You also need to have a conversation with your ex, and tell her you'll wait for as long as it takes and show her you're fighting for them back. Keep going to couples counselling, she can talk about her hurt and you about yours and the reality of what you've lost.

Patience and determination is key here. You seem genuinely sorry for what you did, I hope you get them back OP.

LegacyUser

Illicit, thanks again for your reply. Means alot. Yup I will continue doing positive things in my own life, and thats all i can do. I have started running again and feel so great after it.

Abi, I appreciate your opinion on this. You are so right, I am really genuinely sorry and my actions have caused this mess. unfortunately, couples counselling will be difficult on a practical perspective because of the distance between us, but we still talk. i have told her I will fight for her, and I will be patient and determined in my quest.

I have my daughter this weekend and i am so grateful to my ex for letting me see her. Hopefully time will be a healer for all. But i just keep banging my head off the wall(not literally) because of how selfish and stupid i was. All i ever wanted was them and my actions showed otherwise. Oh lads, il just continue to be patient...

illicit007

I really hope things work out the best for you. Keep being patient but more importantly focus your efforts on improving things. Especially if she's coming around to your place to ever drop off and pickup your daughter. Really work on the presentation of yourself and your environment. When you feel like head banging refocus that energy into running, weightlifting, home improvement, learning to cook something new. The more you do the more will shine through during your little windows of opportunities that arise to have contact with this women during the patient time ahead. Of course you have to prepare for the worst while you're working towards creating the best. There's chance she could either not be interested in any man or companionship during this difficult time, or she could be yearning for it too. From my experience most girls I broke up with get together with someone else fairly soon. That being said, working on self improvement in all areas of live is the best plan going forward in any circumstance. If worst comes to the worst and she doesn't want/take you back, at least you'll have improved yourself considerably to be ready to attract the best mate when the time has past and your heart has healed and you're ready to move on. Of course for both your guys sake and the child involved I hope you pull through.

LegacyUser

I will keep doing what im doing, as feeling sorry for myself wont help me nor anybody

Life throws us problems all the time, and I am willing to get past them. We have a beautiful daughter together and she wrote a letter to me a few weeks ago telling me how much she loves me but that she still needs time. She stated in the letter that she still wants our family back together and wants more kids with me. I know they are words, but there are some positives anyhow, in that she would like me to be the man in her life

illicit007

Well that's a really good sign. Now go out there and be exactly that type of man that she wants in her life. Be the best man you can possibly be. It's all you can possibly do is be your best. In time hopefully she'll recognise and see that's what you are.

Maybe invest in some of those self help books? Ones on how to be a better person and a better partner etc? Could be some good advice in those? I'm just saying cus anything really that you can do to improve yourself is going to get you closer to having a better happier life and getting your family back together. Totally worth it. Anyways happy to hear this news.

LegacyUser

I'm amazed you haven't even mentioned how this might be affecting your daughter apart from changing schools. You dragged her away from her grandparents house over the Christmas meaning she lost time with them and her mother over an important time, what message did that give her. I'm a good few years younger than you, I hate my job, I study part-time, support myself. That doesn't excuse cheating. Sorry but it sounds like you have a victim mentality. You need to grow up, even if the relationship doesn't work out, for your daughters sake.