i need advice please

bluewhitehoops

16 years ago when i was at school I met a girl, she became a very good friend of mine, in fact she was my best friend. She come from Spain, her father sent her to school over here when she a teenager in the mid 90s. I secretly fancy her for years and as gay it might sound I fell deeply fell in love her but not once did I ever asked her out.

A few years later being really good mate after we left school we had a drunken one night stand, we didn't see each for a a while after that night because she had to go back to Spain for the summer. It was fair to say it was awkward when she came back but we dusted it off and pretend it never happen.

Looking back I regretted never telling her how I felt, we were both a bit immature not being truthful about how we really felt. For a while we carry on how we were before as good friend,

I was seeing other people and so was she, In my early or mid-20s for some reason I cut all tie with her for nearly a year, I don’t know why I did it. She trying to get in contact me but I didn't reply... I was doing my own thing with me work and doing a bit of backpacking oversea. I did decided to get back in contact with her one day and we ending up have a short fling. All my feeling came rushing back for her and yet again I didn't tell her how I felt and I love her... looking back I don't know why i acting like a idiot.

Anyway She drop a bombshell on me telling me she wanted to move back to Spain for a short while to decide what she wanted to do with her life after finishing university. I felt she wanted to get me to tell her to stay or see how i would reacted but I didn't say anything...it been five years since i heard from her.

I have done a lot of growing up since then, the last two years especially the past months I cannot not stop thinking about her, so I searched her up on Facebook.

Just found out she got two little babies...

I don’t know if she is marred or not but I can see there a bloke in many pictures with her and the two babies on Facebook, Looking at the pictures is really killing me! I can’t stop thinking it should of been me being in the pictures with her. I feel like I have ruined my life behaving like such like a di*k... Now I don’t know what to do! Should of known really she is 30 year old so there is a huge possibility she would have settle down with someone by now.

She is the only women I have ever love. I want to meet her and tell her how I feel and if I could turn the clock back and do everything differently i would.
I know it would be wrong of me to contact her but I cannot live my life without telling her the three words that I have never told her before... I love her.
I feel really depressed, she was and still is the only woman I ever loved, I feel so ashamed of how I behave and treated her. I cant stop looking at her Facebook, I am nearly on the verge of contacting her on Facebook today cos it the only way i can get hold of her.

I don't know what advice I am looking for but i don't feel this is something i can talk to people i know about.

Hi there,
I have moved your thread to the personal issues forum where you will get some serious answers.
Best of luck

SunnyDub1

First of all , there is no harm just adding her/messaging her on facebook for a general chat to see how she is, what she has been up to etc etc and I am sure from that kind of conversation you will find out what her relationship status is! Don't get your hopes up to much and always prepare for the worse - there is a strong chance she is settle with a partner!

I think contacting her and spilling your heart out to her straight away when you having spoken in years is a bit extreme IMO.

Who's to say that she is not a completely different person from the person you fell in love with and have feelings for?
As people grow they tend to change, mature and sometimes become a different person as to who they where when they where younger.

Hope that helps.

ABajaninCork

I think you thought she would always be there, as you've known each other for so long. Of course it would be shock to see she's got her own family and has apparently moved on.

I would leave it for a while. Sort your head out first. Maybe get some counselling?

tony81

I think you just need to get over her. It seems you never had anything that resembles an adult relationship with her. You might regret not telling her you loved her, but then again has she actually told you she loved you? She clearly wasn't thinking about you when she started her family.

I think you're just at the age where you want to settle down a little and your easiest option (someone you knew when both of you were younger) has been living her life when you were thinking about what might have been.

She's off the table. Stop checking her facebook page and move on.

ibarelycare

Under no circumstances should you tell her you love her, she's obviously happy now. Sorry, but I think you missed your chance and now you just need to leave her be. Stop looking at her FB page as you'll just torture yourself. You said you'll never love someone else again...that's a bit dramatic tbh. You need to move on and get out there and meet other women.

doubter

get back in touch on a non romantic bases and see how you go. She might not be settled down. One who doesn't take chances, will never know. asking won't, hurt, otherwise you will always say: what if??

bluewhitehoops

I sent her a message half an hour ago, I just had to.

I will just have to hope she will reply to me

ABajaninCork

bluewhitehoops wrote: »

I sent her a message half an hour ago, I just had to.

I will just have to hope she will reply to me

Why??

And how will you cope if she either doesn't reply, or worse tells you to **** off and leave her alone?

Just leave it OP. Like I say, you need to get your head sorted first.

SunnyDub1

bluewhitehoops wrote: »

I sent her a message half an hour ago, I just had to.

I will just have to hope she will reply to me

If you ever wanted anything to come out of this, you just went the wrong way about it.

bluewhitehoops

It was the only way I can get hold of her, I didn't say anything like in my 1st post,

I just wrote something like

''I am sorry if this is all out of the blue, today I have sign up to Facebook because I wanted to write to you personally''

Hope you are well, it would be great to hear from you again.

I just to want to apologize and wish things could have been very different. I don’t want to make any excuses or sobs stories but I been going through some difficult time and my head was all mess up.

I just seen a few of your pictures on Facebook and motherhood really suit you, you have two very beautiful children. Really proud of ya (;

''I won’t be keeping my Facebook account and looking to close it in a few days, I will leave a contact details at the bottom if you wish to reply to me and I will totally understand if you chose not to, I won't take it personally''

bluewhitehoops

Still haven't heard anything, how do Facebook work?

do you only get the message when you log on to facebook?

ABajaninCork

If you've set up e-mail notifications, then you'll get an e-mail. Otherwise, you'll need to log on.

bluewhitehoops

cheers, so there a good possibility she had not got e-mail notifications so i could be waiting for a good while until she decide to log on to Facebook

ABajaninCork

She might reply. She might not. Don't get your hopes up.

tony81

bluewhitehoops wrote: »

cheers, so there a good possibility she had not got e-mail notifications so i could be waiting for a good while until she decide to log on to Facebook

There's a good chance she has a nice life, barely thought about you for 5 years and will just delete your message.

Merkin

You missed the boat.It would be fine contracting her and telling her how you feel if she was single.She's happy and has moved on so respect that rather than being selfish and thinking of how only you feel.

bluewhitehoops

tony81 wrote: »

There's a good chance she has a nice life, barely thought about you for 5 years and will just delete your message.

Yes there is a possibility she got a nice life and move on but it too early to say.

It look like she only update stuff on her Facebook wall every two month or so, there a good chance she not seen the message yet.

bluewhitehoops

Merkin wrote: »

You missed the boat.It would be fine contracting her and telling her how you feel if she was single.She's happy and has moved on so respect that rather than being selfish and thinking of how only you feel.

i have not told her how i feel about her yet, I only just send her a message ''Hope you are well, it would be great to hear from you again''

Cee-Jay-Cee

You love the girl you used to know. She's a grown woman now with her own family, harsh as they may sound, you are no longer part of her life and you need to move on. She has never contacted you and so you should read that as it is. You had many chances to tell her how you felt but you didn't (for whatever reasons) you need to move on and accept that she is no longer available. Contact her by all means but just to say hello and catch up. If you want to remain friends then keep your feelings for her quiet.

SunnyDub1

bluewhitehoops wrote: »

Yes there is a possibility she got a nice life and move on but it too early to say.

It look like she only update stuff on her Facebook wall every two month or so, there a good chance she not seen the message yet.

Not the case. She probably has her page private and the public(people she's not friends with) can only see certain posts on her wall. For all you know she could be on FB all day everyday posting stuff.

Chances are she has seen the mail, I don't use fb often but my phone beeps when I get a mail etc like most phones these days.

Id be very surprised if she replied back. I think you should just move in tbh.

Merkin

bluewhitehoops wrote: »

i have not told her how i feel about her yet, I only just send her a message ''Hope you are well, it would be great to hear from you again''

Yet. Exactly. So the intention is to tell her how you feel regardless of her having moved on and having a young family.

bluewhitehoops

my head is seriously mess up,

as far as i know she got two babies, i just cant find out if she is marred or not.

looking at the pictures i cant see any wedding ring on her left third finger, i know i a cold heartless bastard but i really don't give a sh*t if she is seeing the father of her babies.

i gonna give it a month or so, most of you are probably right, she already seen my message but might be in a bit of shock and don't want to reply just yet cos it the weekend. she know i'm on facebook now if she ever want to get hold of me.

i just wish she would reply at least.

LegacyUser

Gonna go against the grain here and say that you were right to contact her. I wouldn't expect very much in a response (despite your dreaming, she is not going to ditch her husband, move back to Ireland and live happily ever after with you and her children, and that's even IF you get a response) - however, I do think it's important for people to be transparent about how they feel. Maybe she felt terribly messed around by you back then, and it might bring her some solace knowing that she wasn't reading signs that weren't there. Or if you were indeed so close, she'll probably be happy to know that you still think of her. She has got her own family now, and I agree with others when they say you need to move on, but I think you'll only truly be able to move on when you disclose to her these thoughts.

Is it selfish? No. It's not going to phase her in any way if she has no feelings whatsoever for you anymore - she'll just read the mail, maybe find it a bit intriguing and go about her life as always. It's not exactly a huge imposition. If it should happen to cause her any emotional conflict, that's because there are issues there that she hasn't addressed and you getting in touch will finally allow her to deal with them. That said, I expect having moved on in such concrete terms, the former is a much more likely scenario.

In short, I would prefer someone from my past to get in touch with me and let me know how they felt, rather than leave it as a closed dialogue for the rest of their - and consequently, my - life. Don't be too hung up on the FB thing: she has either read it and has no interest in replying, read it and is taking her to reply in an appropriate fashion, or she hasnt read it (which, unless she's on holidays or something, would be quite rare). Leave your FB open and available, and if she ever feels the need to get in contact, she will. Other than that, start looking out for your own wife and kids Best of luck.

dellas1979

Well, if you sent the message via private message on fb, it will show up at the end of the message if she has seen it (you will see a little tick with a "Seen at date/time".

Anyways, I believe you shouldnt ignore feelings like this. Thats like keeping them bottled up. Youve said your peace now. So, either something comes of it (if nothing romantic, maybe a friendship), or else if she doesnt reply/says she is happy/married/family doesnt want contact etc, at least you tried and you move on.

bluewhitehoops

dellas1979 wrote: »

Well, if you sent the message via private message on fb, it will show up at the end of the message if she has seen it (you will see a little tick with a "Seen at date/time".

Anyways, I believe you shouldnt ignore feelings like this. Thats like keeping them bottled up. Youve said your peace now. So, either something comes of it (if nothing romantic, maybe a friendship), or else if she doesnt reply/says she is happy/married/family doesnt want contact etc, at least you tried and you move on.

I am not familiar with facebook.

On her facebook page it say Do you know *******? If you know *******, send her a friend request or message her

I click message her, is that a private message? I cant see any tick or date/time she had read my message.

Thanks

bluewhitehoops

lemonz2 wrote: »

Gonna go against the grain here and say that you were right to contact her. I wouldn't expect very much in a response (despite your dreaming, she is not going to ditch her husband, move back to Ireland and live happily ever after with you and her children, and that's even IF you get a response) - however, I do think it's important for people to be transparent about how they feel. Maybe she felt terribly messed around by you back then, and it might bring her some solace knowing that she wasn't reading signs that weren't there. Or if you were indeed so close, she'll probably be happy to know that you still think of her. She has got her own family now, and I agree with others when they say you need to move on, but I think you'll only truly be able to move on when you disclose to her these thoughts.

Is it selfish? No. It's not going to phase her in any way if she has no feelings whatsoever for you anymore - she'll just read the mail, maybe find it a bit intriguing and go about her life as always. It's not exactly a huge imposition. If it should happen to cause her any emotional conflict, that's because there are issues there that she hasn't addressed and you getting in touch will finally allow her to deal with them. That said, I expect having moved on in such concrete terms, the former is a much more likely scenario.

In short, I would prefer someone from my past to get in touch with me and let me know how they felt, rather than leave it as a closed dialogue for the rest of their - and consequently, my - life. Don't be too hung up on the FB thing: she has either read it and has no interest in replying, read it and is taking her to reply in an appropriate fashion, or she hasnt read it (which, unless she's on holidays or something, would be quite rare). Leave your FB open and available, and if she ever feels the need to get in contact, she will. Other than that, start looking out for your own wife and kids Best of luck.

That mean a lot, cheers

I will have to accept the likelihood of me getting back with her is not going to happen if she in a happy relationship, I just want her to know I miss her and care about her even if i didn't show it and i deeply regret it.

I just want some kind of reply or block me even just so i know where i stand, I cant move on until she give me any idea or clue but i am being a hypocrite because i did a disappearing act for a year once and she couldn't get hold of me. I am so ashamed how I behave toward her.




lemonz2 I just noticed you're a guest, hope you got my message

dellas1979

If you log onto facebook, you will see in the top left hand corner (beside the fb logo) 3 little symbols. The first one is for "friend" requests. The second or middle one is for messages, the third (looks like a globe) for "likes.

Go into the middle one (for messages), and the message you sent should be in there (even if you are not "friends" with the person). Look at the bottom of your message sent. If there is no ""Seen at date/time", means she hasnt read it.

But please dont be hanging around fb checking this every 5 mins. It wont do you any good. Youve done what youve done now, so if she wants to reply, she will.

YumCha

I was the girl in a similar situation - and I used to dread my ex contacting me out of the blue with his apologies and declarations of love after the relationship ended. I didn't hold anything against him and had completely moved on, but each time it happened it was incredibly disruptive for me, and I felt it was incredibly selfish that he thought it was alright to barge in unannounced even though we weren't friends anymore and hadn't been in contact for ages.

At the same time I felt really sorry for him because even though I'd moved on he seemed incredibly stuck, and couldn't own the consequences of his actions... What I mean by that is there were a lot of reasons why I dumped him (the long and the short of it was that he was not that into me, and treated me as such) but he still kept saying things like that I'm the love of his life and he'll never get over me etc. etc. - even though he never acted like it while we were together.

It was like he saw his behaviour as being 'not him' (when in fact it was absolutely him for the guts of 3 years) and that somehow his words and outpouring of feelings now were suddenly going to erase that.

I'm going to echo everyone else here who has advised you to move on. Stop putting conditions on it (i.e. I'll move on if I hear back from her - this is totally out of your control... what happens if she never gets back to you?), and just accept that what happened happened and you've already apologised to her and that's all you can do.

Also if you need to, please consider counselling - you owe it to yourself to be able to move on as well, and holding onto your regrets is not going to help.

bluewhitehoops

dellas1979 wrote: »

If you log onto facebook, you will see in the top left hand corner (beside the fb logo) 3 little symbols. The first one is for "friend" requests. The second or middle one is for messages, the third (looks like a globe) for "likes.

Go into the middle one (for messages), and the message you sent should be in there (even if you are not "friends" with the person). Look at the bottom of your message sent. If there is no ""Seen at date/time", means she hasnt read it.

But please dont be hanging around fb checking this every 5 mins. It wont do you any good. Youve done what youve done now, so if she wants to reply, she will.

I did what you told me and I can definitely say she hadn't read it.

I have just set up two new Facebook account, sent a message to one of the new Facebook account,opened the message and then went back to the Facebook account where i send the message. I can now see the little tick and time/date.

I set up a facebook notifications to my mobile so i wont have to check it all the time.

I feel better now i understand how Facebook work, when i find out she had read my message and doesnt reply then at least i know where i stand.

P. Breathnach

bluewhitehoops wrote: »

...
I feel better now i understand how Facebook work, when i find out she had read my message and doesnt reply then at least i know where i stand.

I think most people here already have a very strong idea of where you stand: you are flogging a dead horse.

Leave her alone; she is now living a different life.

NakedNNettles

No offense OP, but you sound a bit desperate and sad. Checking for a wedding ring.... pathetic!

This woman is grown up, has a life and family. If she has two young kids then there is no doubt she has a partner. Do you realise the monumental effort it takes to look after two young kids? ....and here are you worried about a Facebook message, how bloody selfish of you!

For your age you're not all that mature, maybe that's your problem.

Close your Facebook a/c, grow up and get a life is the only advice I would be giving you.

Roisy7

There is an "other" folder in Facebook messages, where messages from people who aren't friends with you go. A lot people don't even know that and never check it. So she may never read your message.

I don't think you should pursue this. You are essentially in love with a fantasy now. She could be a different person to the one you remembered.

Seriously, your behaviour seems to be a little extreme (THREE Facebook accounts?!) and there is no way she, if she ever reads this message, will find that appealling. There's a high chance she has a partner if she's got two young children, do you really think she's going to give all that up for a romance with a guy from her teen years?

Let her go and move on.

RossFixxxed

Wow this whole thing escalated from a bit forlorn, to plain sad, to pathetic and now right into creepy!

Leave it well alone. It's one thing to say hi, add an old flame etc, it's another with some deluded hope she will abandon her life, her kids etc and throw herself into your waiting arms.

You are prolonging your own misery here mate, I'd try to be sympathetic by you are ignoring advice, common sense and any semblance of normality here. The ship on this whole thing has sailed and you are not going to find any happiness in this.