Husband hates friend after affair - ref post #1 MOD WARNING

LegacyUser

I am 28 my husbands 31- been together 9 years and married last year. 2 years into my relationship i had an affair that lasted a year. I told my husband as i reliased what i had done and as i was leaving and he asked me to stay that he wanted to sort things so we moved on from it and eventually we bought a home, had a son and got married.

My friend is with her partner 10 years ,Id consider her and her partner the closest couple we friends with, they have 1 child and bought a home last year.

It came out 3 months ago that she had an affair with a guy she worked with and it had been going on for 6 months. Her partner forgave her just as mine did me, and she and I have talked about it (as she knew about my affair) and she asked for my advice on how to sort things after an infidelity and i helped her. Shes asked me to forgive her(no idea why)- and i dont feel i need to as everyone makes mistakes

My husband however is like a bull. He calls her a whore and is furious she treated his friend(her husband) like that (my husband met her and her husband through me but our husbands work together and are friends). He doesnt like me talking to her- doesnt want our kids interacting , and has said a few times that her son is prob not her partners.

I have ate him and told him he is being a hypricote because i did the same thing- for longer and his argument is "You didnt have a kid and a house with me when you did it"

My friends no idea how he is being and TBH its a bit of an issue because last few times ive met her he just walks away wont even look at her- and she has asked me about this and i dont know what to say to her because its hypricotial on his part.

any advice would help

thanks


<MOD NOTE:
All we understand this is an emotive issue.
However per our charter and site faq we are going to ask one last time - either reply in a constructive fashion to the OP or don't post. All other posts are considered off topic and will be dealt with as such.

This might seem harsh but just because you don't agree with choices an OP has made in the past does not lessen the need they now have to deal with a sensitive and personal issue.

Taltos>

smash

It sounds like he's releasing anger built up for your affair and projecting it on her.

jellyboy

Has he got some unfinished feelings left over from your affair ?
And using their situation to express himself?

Have ye dealt with it in a professional way?

it can be very hard for the other person to understand why a person has an affair,and it could be hurt or anger rising.

D

12gauge dave

So you and your friend are cheats and ur giving out about your loyal husband on a public forum??

Abi

smash wrote: »

It sounds like he's releasing anger built up for your affair and projecting it on her.

This ^

It's easier for him to project his anger on her, he took you back because he was in love with you and that was the deciding factor in trying to make it work.

Your friend has dug up all these raw emotions, and perhaps he feels he cannot talk to you about it.

If you're trying to make things work the affair can't be thrown at you in every argument. It's possible he feels restricted here, and his repressed anger is bubbling at the surface and your friend is his target.

You don't mention if you and your husband sought counselling after this, but I think it would be wise right now. He needs to deal with this. He has repressed his anger, which stems from hurt, and the pain of betrayal.



Best of luck OP.

secman

He obviously knows the pain and hurt having been through it himself. Its close to home and has probably re kindled those feelings he had himself, very understandable i would say. His love for you was so immense,it gave him the strength he needed to be able to forgive you and you expect him to do the same to the friend !
Its not the same at all. You need to put yourself in his shoes for a re think on this.


Secman

Taltos

12gauge dave - please take time now to read our charter. PI/RI has zero tolerance and breaches in our rules here can and do result in very lengthy bans. If you have no constructive advice to offer don't post. Any more personal abuse as above will result in a ban.

Reading and complying with our charter is your responsibility. Failure to read it is not acceptable, nor is ignoring the forum or site rules.

Thanks
Taltos

CaraMay

There is no excuse for your husbands bad manners - it's not his battle. Can you have a reasoned chat with him and tell him that. He obviously has serious issues stemming from your infidelity and maybe subconsciously thinks that she may influence you or somehow lead you to believe infidelity is ok. He is worried you will do it again but is taking it out on her. That's the aftermath of cheating - it rarely goes away.

Sleepy

Her behaviour is making him worry about you OP. He's been able to forgive your behaviour because he sees it as having been at the "not so serious" stage of your relationship. His trust in the fact that your relationship has been cemented by marriage and having a child is being shaken by her affair happening after this stage and he probably needs some reassurance that you regard what she did as being awful: i.e. reassurance that you wouldn't do the same to him.

Partizan

12gauge dave wrote: »

So you and your friend are cheats and ur giving out about your loyal husband on a public forum??

+ 1 million. No truer a statement said. Some women want their cake and eat it too.

strandroad

How is he about cheating and affairs in general? If his male friends had affairs, what would he say?

If he has an uncompromising stance on cheating on general, his behaviour is understandable. He forgave you because he loved you, with her he has no reason to be so understanding.

But if her affair is the only one to make him react like this, he's acting on his fears about you. You cheated once, he thought that with commitment it's all behind you, then she comes and proves that commitment means nothing either,especially if he sees thst you defend her.

Taltos

Partizan - banned for a week.

We have already issued one on thread warning to a poster here. PI/RI is a no tolerance forum. If posters cannot post inline with our charter we ask them not to post.

Taltos

sbsquarepants

Op, i think it's fairly obvious that you are the real cause of your husbands feelings. You have agreed to get on with things and leave the past behind you, but the reality is that reminders are always going to crop up. This one is just too close to home - personally speaking if i was your husband i wouldn't want your friend anywhere near me either, it would be hard enough for me to forgive and forget without the constant reminder.
Your husband obviously still has very positive feelings for you and these probably help him subdue any negative feelings that absolutely have to crop up from time to time.
He has no such positive feelings for your friend, so where as you can be rationalised as "we all make mistakes" she is just some cheating slut. I think you may well have to decide which one you want in your life more, friend or husband.

jimd2

Good advice on this thread. I can understand why he is fuming as he is friends with your friend's partner. How they originally met is totally beside the point, I have remained friends with some people over the year and not remained as friendly with the original contact. She knew what you put your partner at the time through and still embarked on her own affair.

It is still avery awkward situation for you as you want to remain friends with her. I would actually ask your husband to have a chat with his friend (her husband). If the husband has enuinely forgiven her and feels she is making an effort then your husband might mellow. It might be an idea to plan for them to come over for dinner with the family in a few months and try and work o your husband to make bygones be bygones however difficult that may be.

homerjay2005

CaraMay wrote: »

There is no excuse for your husbands bad manners - it's not his battle.

errm, what part of the bit about she cheating on him, did you miss?and, if somebody treated my friend like that, id never want her near the place again.

the man is being perfectly reasonable here, yet people are finding fault with him? typical boards anti men reaction. next thing people will be blaming him for the OP being a cheat and that it should be him apoligising.

Oryx

Your husband can't hate you, because that (supposedly) is water under the bridge. But he can give full vent to his feelings when it comes to your friend. I would see this as him finally getting to say how he really feels about cheating, both yours and hers.

Youre dealing with some deep wounds here. You may have thought they were healed, but clearly not. First, even though it may be dodgy territory, you need to rehash how you both are with regard to your own episode of cheating. Then move on to why he is reacting so badly to a woman he has no real fight with. The reason he hates her goes deeper than it seems. He forgave you, why is he reacting so badly to her.

And tell your friend whats going on. You shouldnt have to hide this.

bon ami

I would leave him . He is so unreasonable not to agree with you and to treat your friend so badly. He is obviously a male chauvinist . How dare he condemn your friend for cheating on his friend.

Totally and absolutely unreasonable !!

Curry Addict

OPs husband may be of the view, that if someone would cheat on their life partner how would they treat a friend if push came to shove? so he may put no value on this friendship anymore.

Mr. P

Taltos wrote: »

Partizan - banned for a week.

We have already issued one on thread warning to a poster here. PI/RI is a no tolerance forum. If posters cannot post inline with our charter we ask them not to post.

Taltos

Hi Taltos,

What is your problem? Are you resorting to banning people because they raise a valid point and put across an argument that disagree with your viewpoint? I call that an abuse of power.

Partizan and 12gauge dave have raised valid points in that the women in question are behaving in a very selfish manner and then wondering why the husband of the OP who cheated on him is angry at her friend who also cheated on her partner. Is it not too much to ask for people to cop themselves on, have respect for themselves as well as others? I could not blame the husband for acting as he did since he was hurt in the past by his wife's irresponsible actions and what makes it worse is that the women here are making the husband out to be guilty party with one poster, uber feminist bon ami telling the OP to leave her husband. Jesus wept. The actions of the OP nearly destroyed one marriage and the wreckless and irresponsible actions of her friend could very well wreck another.

Well excuse me but people here need to take off the rose tinted glasses and get a bit of perspective. I have never heard so much anti-men, feminist claptrap in my life. Its almost like you are blaming the husband and condoning cheating in a relationship. I hope to God I never meet women like OP or her friend. i dont think I could handle the misery, shame and hurt that they have inflicted on their trusting partners. OP, your friend should hang her head and shame and apologise to her partner, beg him for his forgiveness.

Partizan got it spot on. Girls, you cant have your cake and eat it too. Kudos to that man. Himself and 12gauge dave should have their bans revoked or I will complain to the mods on Boards for this latent abuse of power.

CaraMay

homerjay2005 wrote: »

errm, what part of the bit about she cheating on him, did you miss?and, if somebody treated my friend like that, id never want her near the place again.
.

It's two separate issues. The women are 100% wrong but he has no right to treat this woman like crap if he is willing to marry the woman who cheated on him. It's double standards.

Mr. P

CaraMay wrote: »

It's two separate issues. The women are 100% wrong but he has no right to treat this woman like crap if he is willing to marry the woman who cheated on him. It's double standards.

They maybe two separate issues but the circumstances are exactly the same. The husband has every right to feel aggrieved at the behaviour of the OPs friend. He is probably still hurting over the antics of his wife and his wife coming on here trying to justify in her mind the actions of her friend. Seriously the husband should have left the OP a long time ago, not the other way around. If a partner cheated on me, I would send her packing, suitcase packed, clothes and all without any hesitation.

jantheman91

After coming from a home broken by my fathers infidelity i have more experience on this subject than most. I don't really care about you or the other woman's feelings. You made a conscious decision to have an affair. I feel for the children. As a child that has gone through this i have no pity for the hatred shown by your husband to this woman. To be honest, he should have shown you the door. You don't deserve him, just like this other woman doesn't deserve her husband.

Rich get richer, the poor get poorer. The world we live in.

strandroad

CaraMay wrote: »

It's two separate issues. The women are 100% wrong but he has no right to treat this woman like crap if he is willing to marry the woman who cheated on him. It's double standards.

It's not double standards. One is his fiancee>wife, so he's forgiven her out of love. He doesn't have to be equally charitable towards the other woman.

Mr. P

jantheman91 wrote: »

After coming from a home broken by my fathers infidelity i have more experience on this subject than most. I don't really care about you or the other woman's feelings. You made a conscious decision to have an affair. I feel for the children. As a child that has gone through this i have no pity for the hatred shown by your husband to this woman. To be honest, he should have shown you the door. You don't deserve him, just like this other woman doesn't deserve her husband.

Rich get richer, the poor get poorer. The world we live in.

Excellent post Jan. I really feel for you. It happened also happened to a close relative of mine. To think that two posters have been banned here for pointing out the irresponsibility and selfish actions of the two women in questions speaks volumes about the general attitude on here and in society in general.

More's the pity. I hope you are ok. My deepest sympathy to you, your Mum and your family.

Abi

I think it's fair to say not many of us would approve of cheating.

If the husbands have decided to make a go of things then that's their choice. It's past tense.

Her husband stuck with her, yet is taking issue with her friend that had an affair for six months fewer than she had.

The friend is on the receiving end here, you have to ask why.

He's not over what happened with his wife, and the news of the friends affair has dredged it all back up again. There is very obviously little difference between what the women have done, but at no point were we asked to judge, it was to address the cause of the husband blanking her friend.

secman

bon ami wrote: »

I would leave him . He is so unreasonable not to agree with you and to treat your friend so badly. He is obviously a male chauvinist . How dare he condemn your friend for cheating on his friend.

Totally and absolutely unreasonable !!

You are, aren't you, taking the piss !

Secman

jantheman91

Mr. P wrote: »

Excellent post Jan. I really feel for you. It happened also happened to a close relative of mine. To think that two posters have been banned here for pointing out the irresponsibility and selfish actions of the two women in questions speaks volumes about the general attitude on here and in society in general.

More's the pity. I hope you are ok. My deepest sympathy to you, your Mum and your family.

I'm fine. I've moved on with my life and doing quite well for myself.

I'm only 21 and i'd say i've more life experience than most 40 year olds. I try my best to pass on what i've learned (the hard way) to save others the misery of going through what i have.


If i save one person, it's worth trying!

Mr. P

jantheman91 wrote: »

I'm fine. I've moved on with my life and doing quite well for myself.

I'm only 21 and i'd say i've more life experience than most 40 year olds. I try my best to pass on what i've learned (the hard way) to save others the misery of going through what i have.


If i save one person, it's worth trying!

Good to hear. I hope you dont meet selfish and wreckless individuals like the OP or her friend in this thread in real life when you do settle down to begin a family.

Mr P has been banned for ignoring a mod instruction and unhelpful posting.

CaraMay

Where did the op agree with her friends actions?

Bottom line is its really none of his business what his friends wife does once he is willing to forgive (although I don't think he has) his own wife for doing the same.

catallus

It may be none of his business but that doesn't mean he has to condone it or put a false pleasant face on the situation.

Taltos

All we understand this is an emotive issue.
However per our charter and site faq we are going to ask one last time - either reply in a constructive fashion to the OP or don't post. All other posts are considered off topic and will be dealt with as such.

This might seem harsh but just because you don't agree with choices an OP has made in the past does not lessen the need they now have to deal with a sensitive and personal issue.

Taltos

Abi

The thought has occurred to me that he may be trying to make a point to his wife that if it happened again she would get the same treatment.

So to me it's repressed anger either way. Couples counselling would give this marriage the best possible shot at sucess. The friend issue has dug up what he has buried. It hasn't been resolved, so he's lashing out now.

The way I see it, this matter needs to be dealt with between the OP and her husband, or this will always be the bone of contention between them.

IrishEyes19

I dont think it has anything to do with your friend to be honest. He is worried that even marriage and a baby isn't a strong enough bond to stop someone having an affair. He's worried you could repeat and do it again. And he is releasing all his angers and doubts on how he felt at the time through this. I'd imagine he feels humiliated that he was cheated on, feels sorry for his friend and knows what he going through. Forgiveness is one thing, OP. Forgetting is another.

you need to sit down with him and ask him the truth, because his reaction is incredibly strong. Dont for one minute think its not related to you. Of course it is. As for the strong words he used against her. Imagine being humiliated, sorry if Im being harsh, I know I sound it and Im glad you and him are still together, but her affair, your friends affair is just a reminder of a bad time for him. Talk it out, get the truth! Dont be the injured one in this talk. Ask him what he's feeling, if he still feels unsure about the past. you cant use this talk to delve into why you feel annoyed at him, why you think he is wrong, or you'll get nothing from him but an argument. best of luck

im confused again

There is a lot about your relationship with your husband that we cannot know from your post. So it is difficult to read between the lines. However the points made here about your husband venting his anger about your affair through this situation with your friend is most likely the reality of the situation. Again, while he was willing to move on from your affair because it happened early in your relationship and in his mind he used marriage and kids as a stabiliser, this affair by your friend has shaken his beliefs.

Like I said, we cannot know much about your relationship with your husband but do you really realise the devastation that an affair can have on the partner of the person having the affair. If you understood I think you would understand your husbands reaction. To be honest 2 years into your realtionship with your husband to have an affair is not early in your relationship, relatively yes, but definitely no more acceptable than if it happened after 8 years. A person is either committed to the person that they are in a relationship or they are not. There is no in between.

Your behaviour is not convincing your husband that you believe having an affair is totally unacceptable. You need to work harder at this. You need to make it clear that you agree that what your friend did is totally wrong but that she is your friend and you need to support her and her husband through this difficult time, and that you need your husbands help too.

It appears that you and your husband would benifit hugely from relationship councilling. Be prepared to listen to things that you will not like to hear.

LegacyUser

Hi this is the OP

First off thanks for all the replies.

There are a load of people on here whos 1st thought was to call me selfish and bash me, and thats perfictally fine, you are entitled to your opinion as much as the next person and while i may not like what ive been called on here i respect peoples right to their own minds and opinions.

Also someone mentioned they felt sorry for my child, We didnt have our son at that stage in our relationship our son was born 2 years ago. Why do you feel sorry for him?

To the posters who mentioned councelling.My husband thinks councelling is a waste of time- he doesnt believe in it and thinks its a waste of money. When I came out about the affair we talked the hell out of our situation but one thing he didnt want to do was see a counceller.We have a wonderful relationship. Hes an amazing man and I know Im very lucky to still have him.

In regards to him projecting his feelings about me onto my friend, It did enter my head but not for long because they never really got on in the first place, he always found her very into material things and he dislikes people like that. But now I am going to sit down and talk to him about it because at the end of the day she is a very close friend but he is my husband and this needs to be sorted

homerjay2005

smash wrote: »

It sounds like he's releasing anger built up for your affair and projecting it on her.

this point is strange in my opinion, so i will ask you a question.

if your friends wife cheated on him, how would you feel towards this woman?

you and the OP, are using her affair as a reason (for what i dont know) to somehow find fault with her husband, who in the eyes of most people here, has done nothing wrong. had the OP not cheated, her husband would still be within his rights to dislike the woman, i think most people would.

beertons

I'd agree with smash there. It's like the saying goes, show me your friends and i'll tell you who you are. Maybe the husband feels that the other friend might have w put her up to it. Like, well if she can have fun, maybe i can too. If she wasn't friends with the woman, would she have had an affair.

LegacyUser

homerjay2005 wrote: »

her husband would still be within his rights to dislike the woman, i think most people would.

I agree the husband is well within his rights not to like the friend nor interact with her again if he so wishes but calling her a whore and making snide comments about the parentage of her son frankly is taking it that step too far.

At the end of the day every relationship is different and how people react and treat issues like cheating etc is going to be different. My father cheated when I was a teen and my parents split up but got back together when I was in my early 20's. My father passed away last year and when having a very frank discussion with my mother I asked her how she could have got back with him and she told me their relationship was complicated and there was a lot of stuff going on that she just didn't want to share with me and this is the reality. Relationships are complicated and they are all different because the people involved are all different.

The OP cheating on her partner is something her and her partner have had to deal with. People outside their relationship might have very different views on her cheating and their choice to stay together but it was their choice. They made the choice to work on their relationship and move on and have a family.

None of us are in the friends relationship, we don't know what is going on there but they have made the choice to try and keep their relationship together. The OP's husband can opt not to like that choice and simply ignore them but the snide comments are not on as it's insulting to the guy he claims to be his friend. His friend wants to give his relationship with this woman another chance just like the OPs partner gave their relationship another chance. They might stay together or it might be something they are not able to work past but it's their choice.

OP I would sit down and talk with your partner and ask he just stop making these snide comments. Ask him OP how would he feel if one of his friends was calling his wife a whore to his face and making comments about his kid? He is free to dislike her, doesn't have to talk to this woman, or interact with her but he should at least have enough respect for her partners, his friends, choice to work on their relationship.

P. Breathnach

cant log wrote: »

... He is free to dislike her, doesn't have to talk to this woman, or interact with her but he should at least have enough respect for her partners, his friends, choice to work on their relationship.

Spot on. You can't require one person to like another person.

I would add one more thing: he should not show his dislike in a manner that makes life difficult for OP or for his friend. Walking away ostentatiously creates a problem for OP, and that is not fair to her. If he also does so when his friend is present, that is insulting to him as well as to his wife. If he does not want to be in her presence, there is the tried and (somewhat) trusted formula of making his excuses and leaving.

professore

Your husband also probably feels bad for your friends husband, especially if he considers him a mate. I for one take a very dim view of people messing around my good friends.

LegacyUser

professore wrote: »

Your husband also probably feels bad for your friends husband, especially if he considers him a mate. I for one take a very dim view of people messing around my good friends.

I'm protective of my friends as well and don't like to see them to be made fools of but I also have to respect the choice my friends make good and bad. If he considers her partner to be his mate then he needs to respect his friends choice to work on his relationship with his partner. He's not really being a very good friend by making comments behind his back, calling his partner a whore and hinting he might not be the father of his son. How would you feel if you found out someone who claimed to be your friend was making those kind of comments behind your back? He should be a friend and by all means if he thinks his friend is being made a fool of by his partner he should talk to him as a friend but he must respect his friend's choice at the end of the day to give his relationship another try.

GRMA

Think of it from his POV, if you don't take the person who was cheated on, his friends, side how is he supposed to feel considering the shameful thing you did?

And you call him a hypocrite basically saying "sure I did it too, it's alrite like"?

What does the way you are carrying on say to him about what you think of cheating

tinkerbell

OP, I think you need to stop getting angry with your husband over his reaction to your friend and instead think why he'd be reacting like that.

(a) Nobody likes to find out that their friend's partner has been cheating on their friend. They will feel disgusted as obviously they care about their friend and won't want to see their friends being hurt in such a horrible way.

(b) Now he's just being reminded of the fact that you cheated on him years ago and this has brought it all back for him. Can you imagine how hurt he felt when he found out you'd had an affair for over a year? It would have taken a lot for him to forgive you for that but he did and you both moved on from it and are happy now.

(c) Obviously he hates cheating now even more because he has experienced it himself, so he feels much more protective of his friend now because he knows what it feels like. However, it feels much worse to him now because your friend cheated after having a child with her partner so your husband feels even more disgusted.

(d) Your husband has every right to not want to socialise with your friend anymore if he doesn't want to. However, she's still your friend so he will need to be civil towards her. He also has to consider his friend in all this. If your friend's partner (his friend) can forgive his missus for cheating, yet your husband now refuses to talk to her, your husband will lose the friendship he has with his friend. So he will need to put his issues aside.

(e) Your husband also needs to realise that their relationship is none of his business and he needs to stop taking it so personally.

(f) All that said, you need to speak to your husband about what happened with the affair that you had. Clearly he still has issues over this and hasn't fully gotten over it. It might be a good idea to bring up the idea of counselling again if you can't get through to him otherwise.

Good luck.

daisybelle2008

Bottom line is the friend has forgiven his partner and the affair is none of your husbands business. How did your husband find out about it OP? I ask because if the friend told him, your husband is not really helping him, creating a hostile situation with the wife. Your friends partner i am sure wants to move on and put it behind him so needs his friends to respect that. If you told him I would say that was not a good idea and a betrayal of confidences. I have found sometimes partners can be more judgemental and critical of the other persons friends behaviour if tolerated. Don't tolerate it, no matter how 'justified' people seem to think it is, it is not doing him, his friend, your friend and your relationship any good, it is negative, pointless and damaging and not some karmic entitlement.

Czarcasm

OP short and simple- your husband would do well to get down off his high horse tbh.

I know you love your husband, but his displays of complete asshat behaviour towards another human being, be they your friend or not, are nothing short of an insecure, arrogant, and bitter little man.

He doesn't have to get on with her, but he doesn't have any right to treat her like dirt either. If I was her husband I'd avoid the likes of your husband tbh because I couldn't be listening to him, and certainly I wouldn't let him treat my wife like that.

He doesn't want to go to counselling I would suggest not because he thinks it would be a waste of money, but because he doesn't see any reason for HIM to go to counselling. He sounds like the sort of person who delights in being able to claim the "moral superiority" high ground and making little of other people.

If I were you in that situation OP I wouldn't be long telling him that you get the idea by now, he doesn't like your friend, now just give the childish nonsense a rest!

_Kaiser_

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP short and simple- your husband would do well to get down off his high horse tbh.

I know you love your husband, but his displays of complete asshat behaviour towards another human being, be they your friend or not, are nothing short of an insecure, arrogant, and bitter little man.

He doesn't have to get on with her, but he doesn't have any right to treat her like dirt either. If I was her husband I'd avoid the likes of your husband tbh because I couldn't be listening to him, and certainly I wouldn't let him treat my wife like that.

He doesn't want to go to counselling I would suggest not because he thinks it would be a waste of money, but because he doesn't see any reason for HIM to go to counselling. He sounds like the sort of person who delights in being able to claim the "moral superiority" high ground and making little of other people.

If I were you in that situation OP I wouldn't be long telling him that you get the idea by now, he doesn't like your friend, now just give the childish nonsense a rest!

As others have asked here, how exactly is it the OP's husband's fault that her friend cheated on his mate in the same way as she previously cheated on him.

I have to agree with Mr P and others who've posted on this thread. This feminist anti-male attitude sickens me almost as much as those who condone it.

Let's not forget that the OP's husband and his mate are the VICTIMS here, not the two women as you seem to be trying to make out. I've no doubt if the roles were reversed though and it was the men who'd cheated there'd be a different tone to this thread!

daisybelle2008

Kaiser2000 wrote: »

As others have asked here, how exactly is it the OP's husband's fault that her friend cheated on his mate in the same way as she previously cheated on him.

I have to agree with Mr P and others who've posted on this thread. This feminist anti-male attitude sickens me almost as much as those who condone it.

Let's not forget that the OP's husband and his mate are the VICTIMS here, not the two women as you seem to be trying to make out. I've no doubt if the roles were reversed though and it was the men who'd cheated there'd be a different tone to this thread!

Who is saying it is the husbands 'fault', have you specifically read that in a post or are you wildly guessing?
The 'victims' have forgiven the actions, that was their choice. People seem to be more pissed off at this and want there to be punishment and retribution for the transgressions long after all party's agreed to move on.
The gender stuff is ridiculous, I don't care if it is male or female, you have no right to treat another human being badly over something that is none of your business. The gender bias seems to be wanting these women to be punished more because the men didn't leave them as some posters feel they should have.
It is funny almost every poster defending the husbands behaviour, says they wouldn't have forgiven the cheating. That's all well and good. But this husband did forgive and is now being rude and hypocritical. He is not helping anyone, not his friend, his friends wife or his own wife targeting this woman for his unresolved wrath and refusing counselling.

Neyite

Back on topic folks, with actual advice for the OP on her situation.

Czarcasm

Kaiser2000 wrote: »

As others have asked here, how exactly is it the OP's husband's fault that her friend cheated on his mate in the same way as she previously cheated on him.

I have to agree with Mr P and others who've posted on this thread. This feminist anti-male attitude sickens me almost as much as those who condone it.

Let's not forget that the OP's husband and his mate are the VICTIMS here, not the two women as you seem to be trying to make out. I've no doubt if the roles were reversed though and it was the men who'd cheated there'd be a different tone to this thread!

I'm not anti-male, I'm anti-martyr!

The OP's husband CHOSE to stay with her. I'm still perplexed as to why he would take it upon himself to denigrate his wife's friend on her husbands behalf! My advice was that he needs to sort out his own issues before he sits in judgement of others.

His negative and seething bitterness is doing nobody in the situation any favors, they've all clearly moved on. The OP's husband is the only one who hasn't, and is now taking it out on someone who bears him no ill will whatsoever, who has to tolerate his childish behaviour in order to maintain her friendship with the OP.

The OP's friends husband doesn't see himself as a victim, and has been able to repair his relationship and move on. The only one who sees themselves as a victim is the OP's husband. He has no reason to see himself as a victim, because apparently he has "forgiven" the OP. I use inverted commas because it sounds more like he is more interested in wallowing in his own misery and wants to make sure the OP and her friend are just as miserable as he is!

If the roles were reversed, I would still say the same, because treating another human being the way the OP's husband is treating this person is just fundamentally wrong, OTT, and completely unnecessary.

LegacyUser

Kaiser2000 wrote: »

As others have asked here, how exactly is it the OP's husband's fault that her friend cheated on his mate in the same way as she previously cheated on him.

I have to agree with Mr P and others who've posted on this thread. This feminist anti-male attitude sickens me almost as much as those who condone it.

Let's not forget that the OP's husband and his mate are the VICTIMS here, not the two women as you seem to be trying to make out. I've no doubt if the roles were reversed though and it was the men who'd cheated there'd be a different tone to this thread!

Seriously how is this a feminist anti-male attitude? It just happens that the OP is female and her partner is male and their friends are the same make up. Their respective genders have nothing to do with this. If the OP was male and their partner female and the same situation was presented the majority of the comments would be the same. The OPs partner shouldn't be making snide comments about his friends partner behind his back - their gender does not matter, it's out of line.

Alot of posters are not able to look past the cheating of both the OP and the friend. Many people are not able to forgive cheaters, we see it all the time on boards "once a cheater" etc There is nothing wrong with that BUT some people are able to move past it and make their relationships work or some are at least willing to try even if they fail.

Folks need to accept that both the OP's partner and the friends partner made their choices to stay in their respective relationships. The OP's partner is meant to be a good friend of the other persons partner yet they are showing a total lack of respect for that friendship by making these snide comments about their partner behind their back. If the OP's partner finds they are unable to stomach being near this person then they need to accept they will loose their friendship with the partner because they have already made their choice to stay with the friend. The OP will also have to consider their friendship if their partner is unable to accept their friends choice to stay in the relationship together. Normally I would say partners shouldn't dictate your friendships but in this case it might just be best for all involved.

Before replying folks ask yourself how you would feel if you found out a good friend was making snide comments about your partner to other people. I know many can't get past the "but they cheated" thing but that's their issue to deal with not other peoples. It's just a total lack of respect for the friendship.

I've made an effort above to not avoid gender pro-nouns above just to stress how gender really has no roll in this.