Abuse of my mother

LegacyUser

My Mom and Dad are in their seventies and live on a farm. I am in my thirties and have a (poorly paid) job but don't own my own home and I am single. I come home most weekends as I like the space around me and I like to keep my parents company.
I have one sister who is married with children in a town about an hours drive away from the farm (my job is in a city about an hour away; I live there during the week).
Both my parents are retired. My father is very bad tempered and treats my mother very badly. Not all the time; most of the time they chat away but she has to watch what she says as he can fly off the handle if she says the wrong thing. He has suffered from depresssion all his life and is on meds for it (that's no excuse I know).
I write this now as I had to step in this evening when he was verbally abusing her quite badly (what it was about is irrelevant; something minor my mother said that set him off). He said he "doesn't gave a f*** about her and never did" and all this other disrespectful stuff.
I was quite shocked as even though my mother has told me that he has said this type of thing to her numerous times before, it was the first time I heard it with my own ears.
He usually doesn't say these things to her when I am there, it's during the week when it is just the two of them that he does it. He seems to have real contempt for my mother.
I am now thinking that it would be better for my mother to move out. She has spoken about moving to an urban area when they get older for safety reasons as living alone in a rural area is dangerous for elderly people as we know.
There is a town about five minutes drive away where my mother knows everyone. Money is not a problem as she received an inheritance recently and the will is already made (the land is willed to me).
I was worried that my father might get mad and change the will and leave me and my mother with nothing but my mother says he can't do this without her consent.
I don't think he would do this anyway, he cares about me and my sister, I am sure of that (he gives me money occasionally).
I don't hate my father, I just think it's unacceptable for my mother to be treated like this.
I will have a hard time convincing her to move though; I said it to her already but what happens is she forgets about the abuse but then it happens again and I talk to her about it again and so on and so on.
It might be better if me and my sister approached her together but it's a bit awkward as I don't really have that kind of relationship with my sister. We get on fine and help each other but I don't know about talking about something like that with her.
I'd feel bad about leaving my father living on his own in the countryside but what can I do?
It's gone too far.
I am quite upset about the whole thing as I suffer from depression myself and this hasn't helped but on this ocassion it's my mother I am concerned about.

LegacyUser

i see where your concern for you mother is coming from, i really do. it's hard to be around people being verbally abusive, i grew up with it, i know. BUT. does your mother actually WANT to leave him?

i say that because from your post i see how you feel it might affect you, and i see how it's what you think she should do, and i see that you want to get your sister involved. you seem to have this whole scenario worked out in your head, where she'll live, how she'll spend her money to do it, how you'll both ''convince'' her to leave. what i don't see is any indication that your mother wants to leave her marriage and move out of the family home.

we don't have the right to convince other people to live their lives the way we'd like them to. it's ultimately up to your mother. talk to her, let her know that you and your sister will support her no matter what, and if she did want to move into town you'll help in any way you can. but you need to stop the train of thought that makes you think you can live her life better than she can.

LegacyUser

voiceofreasonhere wrote: »

i see where your concern for you mother is coming from, i really do. it's hard to be around people being verbally abusive, i grew up with it, i know. BUT. does your mother actually WANT to leave him?

i say that because from your post i see how you feel it might affect you, and i see how it's what you think she should do, and i see that you want to get your sister involved. you seem to have this whole scenario worked out in your head, where she'll live, how she'll spend her money to do it, how you'll both ''convince'' her to leave. what i don't see is any indication that your mother wants to leave her marriage and move out of the family home.

we don't have the right to convince other people to live their lives the way we'd like them to. it's ultimately up to your mother. talk to her, let her know that you and your sister will support her no matter what, and if she did want to move into town you'll help in any way you can. but you need to stop the train of thought that makes you think you can live her life better than she can.

I don't think she wants to leave him. I suppose because of the stigma in a small town of a woman leaving their husband. It's clear that he doesn't care about her so there is no reason for her to stay and the abuse will just get worse as he gets older.
If I gave the impression in my initial post I was concerned with how my mother moving out might affect me then I take it back;I am actually not too interested in inherting the land, it's worth quite a lot of money but as a matter of personal pride I'd rather make my own way in the world. Maybe some of it is due to resentment of my father too.

daisybelle2008

The other poster is right, it is up to your mother to live her life the way she sees fit.
I would pull your father aside when he is in a calm mood and tell him that what you witnessed concerned and upset you and that you don't want any escalation that requires you to intervene. But you kind of need to stick to the affect his behaviour towards your mother is having on you and shine a bit of a light on his bad behaviour. If small town stigma is an issue for your parents, I wouldn't be slow telling him that the guards might be called out if he can't control his temper around your mother. Soften his cough in a way that lets him know its not cool and you don't want to be dealing with it.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

The other poster is right, it is up to your mother to live her life the way she sees fit.
I would pull your father aside when he is in a calm mood and tell him that what you witnessed concerned and upset you and that you don't want any escalation that requires you to intervene. But you kind of need to stick to the affect his behaviour towards your mother is having on you and shine a bit of a light on his bad behaviour. If small town stigma is an issue for your parents, I wouldn't be slow telling him that the guards might be called out if he can't control his temper around your mother. Soften his cough in a way that lets him know its not cool and you don't want to be dealing with it.

There's no reasoning with him really. He's just not a compassionate man, full stop.
I know I can't force my mother to leave if she doesn't want to but I really belive it's for the best that she does.

Emme

Ken, I understand your concern but at the end of the day the decision is up to your mother. All you can do is tell her that you will be there for her if she decides to move, but SHE has to make that decision. It's also up to your father what he decides to do and how he spends his money. If your mother moves into the town and he decides to stay in the countryside that's his choice. Let your parents make their own choices, strange as those choices may seem to you.

I am from a rural area as well and in a way my home situation was similar. All I can tell you is that your mother will do what she wants to do no matter how your father treats her or you and your sister.

How do you get on with your sister? Is she aware of the situation and what does she think? If you both think the situation is untenable for your mother then you could consider seeking legal advice regarding her safety. You might find the Woman's Aid website helpful but again it's up to your mother to decide what she wants. She is now in her 70s and has lived with this her lifetime - would she be willing to make changes?

Has your father always been this unreasonable or has this escalated in the last few years? If so how dramatic has the change been? Perhaps you and your sister should speak to your parents family doctor about this situation as your father might need medical help. Some people get more irritable with age but increased irritability in the elderly can sometimes be a sign of something more serious.

If you still suffer from depression and anxiety I would recommend that you get counselling. A counsellor could recommend some books on co-dependency to you, because that is often the situation where a partner stays with an abusive spouse regardless.

How old are you? It's good to come home to see your parents once in a while, but every weekend isn't healthy, particularly if you don't socialise when you're there.

You say your job is poorly paid. How can you be expected to forge ahead in your career when you are worrying like this about your family? You need to focus more on yourself and get yourself into a stronger position. Perhaps you feel that you owe it to your mother to come home every weekend on account of the inheritance. At the end of the day your parents will do with their money what they wish and it's best to leave them to it. OP, I think you owe it to yourself to take some weekends for yourself, stay in town and maybe even start an evening course which would help you improve your work prospects.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

How do you get on with your sister? Is she aware of the situation and what does she think?

We get on OK. I don't tell her personal stuff (nor does she tell me personal stuff).
I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her about something like this. She knows dad is a bit contrary but I don't think she is as concerned as me. I am not saying she doesn't care but she doesn't come home very often so is a little detached from the whole situation.

Emme wrote: »

If you both think the situation is untenable for your mother then you could consider seeking legal advice regarding her safety. You might find the Woman's Aid website helpful but again it's up to your mother to decide what she wants. She is now in her 70s and has lived with this her lifetime - would she be willing to make changes?

She has lived with his mood swings all her life, that's true but I think she won't move willingly. Like the following morning he was back to normal, chatting away to her as if nothing had happened when just the night before he swore at her as I described.
It's b******t.

Emme wrote: »

Has your father always been this unreasonable or has this escalated in the last few years? If so how dramatic has the change been? Perhaps you and your sister should speak to your parents family doctor about this situation as your father might need medical help. Some people get more irritable with age but increased irritability in the elderly can sometimes be a sign of something more serious.

He has got worse as he has got older. He has been on anti-depressants most of his adult life but I don't know if changing them would help.

Emme wrote: »

If you still suffer from depression and anxiety I would recommend that you get counselling. A counsellor could recommend some books on co-dependency to you, because that is often the situation where a partner stays with an abusive spouse regardless.

I have been to a counsellor (nothing to do with the situation between my mom and dad) and it helped. I am on anti-depressants too. The trouble at home doesn't help to be honest.

Emme wrote: »

How old are you? It's good to come home to see your parents once in a while, but every weekend isn't healthy, particularly if you don't socialise when you're there.

I am 35. I don't come home and stay the whole weekend, I might stay in the city on the Friday night and go out on the town with friends or else come home on the Friday, go back to the city on Sat. evening and go out and come back on the Sunday.
I used to stay at home every single weekend (all weekend) but I stopped it because as you say it's unhealthy. I don't socialise when I am at home.

Emme wrote: »

You say your job is poorly paid. How can you be expected to forge ahead in your career when you are worrying like this about your family? You need to focus more on yourself and get yourself into a stronger position. Perhaps you feel that you owe it to your mother to come home every weekend on account of the inheritance. At the end of the day your parents will do with their money what they wish and it's best to leave them to it. OP, I think you owe it to yourself to take some weekends for yourself, stay in town and maybe even start an evening course which would help you improve your work prospects.

I wouldn't say I come home every weekend because I think I owe it to my mother on account of the inheritance. It's more to do with there's more stuff to do at home. I am a bit of a workaholic, I can't rest for a minute so I like to go outside and do some gardening or something. Maybe some part of coming home so often is to do with my parents.
You are right in saying I should focus more on my own well-being a bit more.
Anyway, this thread isn't really about my problems, I am more concerned with my mother.

Queen-Mise

Cheat - start selling the idea to your mother of assisted living. As in living in a flat connected with a larger complex. So she has the safety of being in a complex and the independence also. [Something in these lines]

As for your parents relationship - I have absolutely no idea. They are in their seventies, probably being married for 40/50 odd years - this is probably not new behaviour. There is an ice-cube's chance in hell of your dad changing his behaviour at this stage or doing anything really to better the situation.

I have absolutely no idea - only see can you find some experts in this field. And see what their suggestions are.

username123

Probably the hardest lesson I ever learned is this, you cant make someone life their life they way you think they should live their life, and you cant live someones life for them. As an adult you have to learn to respect your mothers choices even if you do not agree with them.

My mother lived in an abusive alcoholic relationship with my father and right up until the end, when her health as gone, her life destroyed, no friends or family left because he had driven them all away, she still supported him. I spent years trying to get her away from him and was nearly successful a couple of times, but it was always her who went back or who sabotaged any attempt to change her living arrangements.

I dont think it was love so much as co-dependancy and a massive fear of any kind of life change. My mother was institutionalised within her marriage and while it definitely would have been the best thing for her to get out of it - she didnt want that for herself.

The only morally correct way for you to act in this situation is to be open and clear with your mother (and your father) that you do not condone or agree with this behaviour and that if your mother wishes to make moves to change her situation, you will be there to emotionally support her. You cannot do anymore than that. I know its extremely difficult, but unfortunately people have to be left alone to live their own lives, even if you do not agree with how they are living it. It is not your life to judge, you have your own life to be living.

Emme

ken_87 wrote: »

We get on OK. I don't tell her personal stuff (nor does she tell me personal stuff). I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her about something like this. She knows dad is a bit contrary but I don't think she is as concerned as me. I am not saying she doesn't care but she doesn't come home very often so is a little detached from the whole situation.

Perhaps your sister deliberately chose to detatch herself from the situation to protect herself and her family and rightly so. She may have suffered verbal abuse from your father throughout her childhood and doesn't want to expose herself or her family to it now. She probably does care and is concerned but realises there is very little she can do. Don't write your sister off, I would address your concerns with her.

ken_87 wrote: »

She has lived with his mood swings all her life, that's true but I think she won't move willingly. Like the following morning he was back to normal, chatting away to her as if nothing had happened when just the night before he swore at her as I described.
It's b******t.

If she won't move willingly then it's unfair to ask her to move. Only she can make the decision to move. I know it's hard on you to see her suffer, but she's an adult and has to make her own choices. Username123 is right.

Divorce was legalised in Ireland in 1995. I don't know how old your sister is, but you would have been close to leaving school around that time. If your sister was older your mother could have chosen to leave then or a few years later, say around 2000. I know it's not simple, as your mother would have made herself homeless if she left at that time and may not have been entitled to maintenance payments from your father. But she could have sought legal advice and got barring/protection orders if your father's behaviour warranted it.

You say she is financially secure now, so she could leave if she wished. All you can do is say you will back her 100% if she decides to leave the farm and get herself a house or apartment in town, but your mother must make this decision herself. No coercion, she may have had enough of that already over the years.

The reality is that she is a 70 year old woman in a farming community. This makes it unlikely that she will leave. If she had lived in the city all her life it would be different. She would have to start all over again if she left your father and might well be shunned by lifelong family "friends" and relatives. Perhaps she has weighed up the options in her own mind and decided that the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. Maybe she loves your father and doesn't want to leave him. Who knows? All we know is that your mother must make her own decisions.

ken_87 wrote: »

He has got worse as he has got older. He has been on anti-depressants most of his adult life but I don't know if changing them would help.

A doctor or psychiatrist might be able to advise on this. Even if the medication were changed your father's behaviour is unlikely to change. He and your mother might have used the fact he is on antidepressants as an excuse to justify his bad behaviour. I have seen that situation in my own family. The anti-depressants might not help, but I would imagine that some of his bad behavior was tolerated and he is like a spoilt child now. It would do no harm to express your concerns to your parents family doctor.

ken_87 wrote: »

I have been to a counsellor (nothing to do with the situation between my mom and dad) and it helped. I am on anti-depressants too. The trouble at home doesn't help to be honest.

I'm surprised that the counsellor didn't address your family situation along with any other issues as it would definitely contribute to your depression. There are good counsellors who work in a holistic way and take all the client's issues into account. I hope you see your anti-depressants as a short-term rather than a long-term solution. Just because your father was on them all his life doesn't mean you have to be.

ken_87 wrote: »

I am 35. I don't come home and stay the whole weekend, I might stay in the city on the Friday night and go out on the town with friends or else come home on the Friday, go back to the city on Sat. evening and go out and come back on the Sunday. I used to stay at home every single weekend (all weekend) but I stopped it because as you say it's unhealthy. I don't socialise when I am at home.

I'm glad of that but would you consider staying in the city for the whole weekend from time to time? You could start by doing it once a month and then more often if that's what you want. If you continue to go home every weekend you should consider seeking a social outlet at home, ie the local pub or GAA club. If you don't change your life and continue as you are could well find yourself in a situation where you buy or build a house near your parents in future. If this is what you want to do you need to build up a social network at home. By staying in when you're at home you won't do this.

However, I think it would be healthier for you long term to think about buying a house or apartment in the city where you work and visit your parents from there.

ken_87 wrote: »

I wouldn't say I come home every weekend because I think I owe it to my mother on account of the inheritance. It's more to do with there's more stuff to do at home. I am a bit of a workaholic, I can't rest for a minute so I like to go outside and do some gardening or something. Maybe some part of coming home so often is to do with my parents.
You are right in saying I should focus more on my own well-being a bit more.
Anyway, this thread isn't really about my problems, I am more concerned with my mother.

I admire your concern about your mother, but your situation is spookily similar to my situation a few years ago. I went through the worrying, the going home at weekends, the listening to my mother but at the end of the day she stayed put. That was her decision and thankfully my father isn't physically violent but he can be irritable. The worry literally took years from my life and achieved nothing.

OP, I think you need to take the focus off your mother and focus on yourself. Your mother will do what she wants at the end of the day but you must help yourself. I would advise to go back to counselling and find a counsellor who will take your entire situation into consideration. He or she might also help you find ways to deal with the situation while not engaging with it to your detriment.

Good luck.

username123

Emme wrote: »

OP, I think you need to take the focus off your mother and focus on yourself. Your mother will do what she wants at the end of the day but you must help yourself.

Excellent post on all points but the above really stood out for me.

OP, it is a sign of dysfunction within a family that one (or sometimes more than one) person feels so responsible for the happiness or wellbeing of another. Its different when that other has a genuine illness, disability, etc... But when its simply an adult who is capable of living their own life and making their own decisions - its not healthy. Brutal as it sounds, you cant fix someone else, but you can fix yourself. Sometimes its easier to focus on someone elses issues rather than your own, it can be easier to hide in the spotlight of someone elses problems. Im not suggesting there is something wrong with you, but it is healthier to focus on yourself and not on a willful adult (by that I mean someone capable of making their own decisions).

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

I dont think it was love so much as co-dependancy and a massive fear of any kind of life change. My mother was institutionalised within her marriage and while it definitely would have been the best thing for her to get out of it - she didnt want that for herself.

That's exactly what it is. Fear of any kind of life change. Thankfully my mother is not in an abusive alcoholic relationship like your mother was (sorry to hear that by the way) but I still think she is only a fool to put up with this kind of disrespect.

Emme wrote:

Perhaps your sister deliberately chose to detatch herself from the situation to protect herself and her family and rightly so. She may have suffered verbal abuse from your father throughout her childhood and doesn't want to expose herself or her family to it now. She probably does care and is concerned but realises there is very little she can do. Don't write your sister off, I would address your concerns with her.

She hasn't had verbal abuse from my father in the past. My mother has told her about the verbal abuse I described in my initial post but I suppose she just takes the attitude that it's her mother's life and none of her business.

Emme wrote:

If she won't move willingly then it's unfair to ask her to move. Only she can make the decision to move. I know it's hard on you to see her suffer, but she's an adult and has to make her own choices. Username123 is right.

Divorce was legalised in Ireland in 1995. I don't know how old your sister is, but you would have been close to leaving school around that time. If your sister was older your mother could have chosen to leave then or a few years later, say around 2000. I know it's not simple, as your mother would have made herself homeless if she left at that time and may not have been entitled to maintenance payments from your father. But she could have sought legal advice and got barring/protection orders if your father's behaviour warranted it.

You say she is financially secure now, so she could leave if she wished. All you can do is say you will back her 100% if she decides to leave the farm and get herself a house or apartment in town, but your mother must make this decision herself. No coercion, she may have had enough of that already over the years.

The reality is that she is a 70 year old woman in a farming community. This makes it unlikely that she will leave. If she had lived in the city all her life it would be different. She would have to start all over again if she left your father and might well be shunned by lifelong family "friends" and relatives. Perhaps she has weighed up the options in her own mind and decided that the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. Maybe she loves your father and doesn't want to leave him. Who knows? All we know is that your mother must make her own decisions.

That's a fairly accurate summation. I think she would get on OK in town though; she is very popular with people and has loads of friends.

Emme wrote:

A doctor or psychiatrist might be able to advise on this. Even if the medication were changed your father's behaviour is unlikely to change. He and your mother might have used the fact he is on antidepressants as an excuse to justify his bad behaviour. I have seen that situation in my own family. The anti-depressants might not help, but I would imagine that some of his bad behavior was tolerated and he is like a spoilt child now. It would do no harm to express your concerns to your parents family doctor.

That's fairly true. After one of his blow-ups she often says later "Ah, he's not well" (as if that excuses it)

Emme wrote:

I'm surprised that the counsellor didn't address your family situation along with any other issues as it would definitely contribute to your depression. There are good counsellors who work in a holistic way and take all the client's issues into account. I hope you see your anti-depressants as a short-term rather than a long-term solution. Just because your father was on them all his life doesn't mean you have to be.

The counsellor did try to address it but I more or less said I didn't want to talk about it so she left it. That wasn't why I went to the counsellor in the first place by the way. My father's behaviour has never caused me to get depressed; I manage that fine by myself without his help (bit of black humour, sorry).
I am on anti-depressants at the moment, I have been on and off them since I was 25.
I disagree with you on the last part; I'd say I will be on them for the rest of my life.

Emme wrote:

I'm glad of that but would you consider staying in the city for the whole weekend from time to time? You could start by doing it once a month and then more often if that's what you want. If you continue to go home every weekend you should consider seeking a social outlet at home, ie the local pub or GAA club. If you don't change your life and continue as you are could well find yourself in a situation where you buy or build a house near your parents in future. If this is what you want to do you need to build up a social network at home. By staying in when you're at home you won't do this.

I don't think I will live near home when I am older. I don't have any friends there; like a lot of rural Ireland it's become depopulated and the age profile of people is 60-70ish .You are right;I probably shouldn't be coming home every weekend but I feel a strange compulsion to.

Emme wrote:

However, I think it would be healthier for you long term to think about buying a house or apartment in the city where you work and visit your parents from there.

I'd like to own my own place in the city but I don't have a girlfriend so there wouldn't be much point. I have friends there but it's not "home".
Maybe the whole thing with my concern for my mother is more of a personal issue and I need to look at myself. It is unhealthy to focus on it so much and come home so often.

username123

ken_87 wrote: »

Maybe the whole thing with my concern for my mother is more of a personal issue and I need to look at myself. It is unhealthy to focus on it so much and come home so often.

I think if you distanced yourself a bit you may also gain some new perspective on the situation, it can be hard to see the wood from the trees when you are very close to a situation.

You should also think about the age you are, at 35 years of age were either of your parents very wrapped up in one of their own parents lives? They were probably living their own life, doing their own thing, and thats what you should be doing too.

You come across as a lovely person in your posts, you should try to love yourself a bit more. It is very good of you to be concerned about your mothers welfare and it is obvious you have her best interests at heart, but sometimes you have to step back a bit. Best of luck, I hope things work out for you.

daisybelle2008

ken_87 wrote: »

I still think she is only a fool to put up with this kind of disrespect.

But it is her choice to put up with it. OP do you not see it as a form of disrespect to her not accepting her choices and thinking you know what's best for her and judging her a fool? Their relationship is their business. You really have enough on your plate with your self. If you are not willing to directly talk to him about the behaviour you witnessed, then you need to butt out and go home a little less. As others have said you could make more of a life for yourself instead of playing gooseberry every weekend to your parents.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

But it is her choice to put up with it. OP do you not see it as a form of disrespect to her not accepting her choices and thinking you know what's best for her and judging her a fool? Their relationship is their business. You really have enough on your plate with your self. If you are not willing to directly talk to him about the behaviour you witnessed, then you need to butt out and go home a little less. As others have said you could make more of a life for yourself instead of playing gooseberry every weekend to your parents.

If being overly-concerned for my mother's well-being is a crime then I plead guilty. I don't actually think she is a fool by the way. I just think she could have a better life for herself if she was away from him. He said himself he never wanted her so it's not like she would be doing anything wrong.
I probably care too much for other people, that's not interfering, it's showing a concern.

Emme

ken_87 wrote: »

If being overly-concerned for my mother's well-being is a crime then I plead guilty. I don't actually think she is a fool by the way. I just think she could have a better life for herself if she was away from him. He said himself he never wanted her so it's not like she would be doing anything wrong.
I probably care too much for other people, that's not interfering, it's showing a concern.

OP, this might seem like unorthodox advice but it might give you a wake-up call and show you how pointless it is to try to change your mother. Next time you're home and you're in the house with your parents, confront your father with what he said to your mother while they are both present. Be sure to have your facts correct and accurate - dates, times etc. if possible. Your father will most likely get very angry or deny he said anything. Your mother may well deny that he said it or make an excuse for him saying he's not well. Your mother may well say one thing to you and another to your father. They have been married for years now, they are in their 70s and unlikely to change.

If your mother hasn't openly expressed that she wants to leave your father then I think it's best for you to leave well enough alone. By all means visit your parents occasionally, make sure they're ok but put yourself first. Put yourself first and make a proper life for yourself - broaden your social circle, spend more weekends in the city, upskill and train for a better paid job. The way your are living now is only a half-life and you're going nowhere.

I really would advise getting counselling about the issue of your parents and home life. It is clearly impacting on you and making you anxious. You say that you went to the counsellor for something else, but any counsellor worth his or her salt would pick up that your home life is affecting you. They can't force you to talk about it, but if you don't talk about it as well as the other issues, it seriously limits the work they can help you do for yourself.

I don't agree that you have to be on antidepressants for the rest of your life. Did your doctor or therapist say this? Read Dr Terry Lynch's book "Beyond Prozac" for an alternative opinion. Even if you are not on Prozac it would be a good book to read. Sometimes lifestyle and dietary changes can be very effective in lifting depression.

You say there's no point in you getting a place in the city because you don't have a girlfriend. OP, how could you have a relationship with anybody other than your parents the way you are living now? When I was caught up in trying to "fix" my family several boyfriends came and went and most cited the fact that I was never there for them on account of my parents. Now I'm paying the price.

OP, I really understand how worried you are about your mother but why can't she do more for herself? If you continue to come home at weekends to try to help her what incentive is that for her to change things. She has coasted along with your father for years even though things aren't ideal and she has you to give her emotional support at weekends. Your emotional support might well be giving her the strength to stay at home with your dad and put up with his abuse. If you didn't come home she'd have to cope with it on her own and she would either decide to leave him or stay. In the meantime you would be getting on with your life.

What I'm saying is this - OP you must get on with your life regardless, put yourself first and let your mother make whatever decision she thinks is best for herself.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

By all means visit your parents occasionally, make sure they're ok but put yourself first. Put yourself first and make a proper life for yourself - broaden your social circle, spend more weekends in the city, upskill and train for a better paid job. The way your are living now is only a half-life and you're going nowhere.

Kinda strange that a thread I posted about my parents ended up being about myself. There is a lot of truth in what you say; my attachment to home and the situation there is holding me back. My sister is married and has started a family so she has moved on. I suppose I need to too but it's hard when you are a person like me that puts others before myself. However one day my parents won't be there anymore and what do I do then?

Emme wrote: »

I really would advise getting counselling about the issue of your parents and home life. It is clearly impacting on you and making you anxious. You say that you went to the counsellor for something else, but any counsellor worth his or her salt would pick up that your home life is affecting you. They can't force you to talk about it, but if you don't talk about it as well as the other issues, it seriously limits the work they can help you do for yourself.

Yes I think she did pick up on it the last time.

Emme wrote: »

I don't agree that you have to be on antidepressants for the rest of your life. Did your doctor or therapist say this? Read Dr Terry Lynch's book "Beyond Prozac" for an alternative opinion. Even if you are not on Prozac it would be a good book to read. Sometimes lifestyle and dietary changes can be very effective in lifting depression.

I'd like to get off them at some stage. It's just that when I did before, my depression came back so I suppose I am afraid to give them up.

Emme wrote: »

You say there's no point in you getting a place in the city because you don't have a girlfriend. OP, how could you have a relationship with anybody other than your parents the way you are living now? When I was caught up in trying to "fix" my family several boyfriends came and went and most cited the fact that I was never there for them on account of my parents. Now I'm paying the price.

I suppose you are right.

Emme wrote: »

OP, I really understand how worried you are about your mother but why can't she do more for herself? If you continue to come home at weekends to try to help her what incentive is that for her to change things. She has coasted along with your father for years even though things aren't ideal and she has you to give her emotional support at weekends. Your emotional support might well be giving her the strength to stay at home with your dad and put up with his abuse. If you didn't come home she'd have to cope with it on her own and she would either decide to leave him or stay. In the meantime you would be getting on with your life.

I suppose I do come home so often to give emotional support to my mother as I know it's not easy for her all week living with a cranky elderly husband.

Emme wrote: »

What I'm saying is this - OP you must get on with your life regardless, put yourself first and let your mother make whatever decision she thinks is best for herself.

OK I'll try.

username123

ken_87 wrote: »

I suppose I do come home so often to give emotional support to my mother as I know it's not easy for her all week living with a cranky elderly husband.

You need to rewrite how to think this:

I suppose I do come home so often to give emotional support to my mother as I know it's not easy for her all week living with a cranky elderly husband, but she is an adult who chooses to live this way so the best thing I can do is offer her support if she wants to change but otherwise let her get on with it while I get on with my own life

Lorna123

I just think that this sort of behaviour from your father would effect anyone. If I were you I would have a word with your father in a quiet tone of voice and I would just say that what you heard would make you very ashamed to be called his son. I would point out that regardless of how he feels he should have a bit of respect for another human being and that good decent people do not talk to one another like this. Bullies continue to be bullies because they get away with it and nobody confronts them about their behaviour. Maybe if you let your father know that the way he treats your mother is not on, he would curb his tongue. He may get angry but you can bet your bottom dollar that he would think about your words when you are gone. It would give him food for thought.

Also Ken, you might be more upset than your mother is because your mother is case hardened at this stage. You will be sorry when your mother dies that you did not stand up to your father for his behaviour against your mother. I went through a bit of this myself when I lived at home and always felt tongue tied to say anything but when my mother died I was so sorry that I had not spoken up. Your father has no right whatsoever to speak to your mother like that, she doesn't deserve it. Tell him what you think of it and don't ignore it like I did, because you will live to regret it. I also think that your father will think twice before the next outburst. I wish you the best of luck with this and really hope it works out for you.

daisybelle2008

ken_87 wrote: »

it's hard when you are a person like me that puts others before myself.

I suppose I do come home so often to give emotional support to my mother as I know it's not easy for her all week living with a cranky elderly husband.
.

OP I know you would like to think your motives are selfless but be honest with yourself, there may be an element of seeking refuge at home every week and getting over involved in your parents issues as a means of avoiding dealing with your own issues. Don't let it be an excuse for how your life hasnt moved on. No one will thank you years down the line for being a martyr to their issues least of all them. Time to cut the umbilical chord and be more self reliant.
Your whole life is ahead of you, live it for yourself, don't imitate your mother, living your life for someone else.