This is a long one, be prepared

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, right, I'm in a bit of a pickle with the last year. I met this guy who I knew from around where I'm living at the moment this time last year, we hit it off. We went back to a house party with my friend and his friend and we kissed, then I brought him back to my house and he stayed over but nothing further than kissing happened, stayed up all night in bed talking and laughing. So I dropped him home the next day and he said he'd find me on facebook. Which he did, and we chatted every now and again just about different stuff. So the following weekend I was out in the local nightclub with my friends and I was walking past him in the smoking area and we greeted each other with a kiss. Again he stayed back at my house, again just drinking and kissing, nothing more. We would go for food the next day (he would pay) and then we would go out for another few drinks and then the same rig-ma-roll again. This went on for a few months (as in Jan '12 - May '12) I'll be honest we nearly had sex a couple of times, maybe even once in May. I was absolutely cracked about him but didn't know what our story was.

I had had enough, there was one day where I went drinking all day on a Sunday, I came home, fell asleep, woke up around 12 to one of his friends ringing me asking "will I drop Mike* over?" I, of course, said "No, tell him go home!" Five mins later, I text his friend saying "actually no call over". I had sobered up at this point and when they landed, Mike was sober enough too. So the 3 of us chatted for a while, talking the usual crap. His friend took off, so it was just myself and Mike. It was 2 in the morning, I suggested we went for a walk! So we went for a walk, talking more usual stuff, then when he got back I said to myself, right I'm going to bite the bullet. So I said "Mike, what's our story?" Absolutely, freaking out, I thought I was going to get sick, cos to me, this was going to make it or break it. If he said no to going out with me, I was going to ring a taxi and send him right home. So then he answers "well, I don't want to hurt you... But we'll give it a go". I was so shocked and could not believe this was happening!!! Course he stayed that night, only kissed and cuddled that night. I had work the following night, I dropped him home, said I'd talk to him later. He text me that night (something he NEVER did after staying with me) asking how I was and that we'd meet up the following day etc etc. So we ended up going out for a few weeks, everything was rosy, went on a date to a comedian show, pretty much like how it all was before except with more texting!! I could not believe how lucky I was to be with someone I was so cracked about and got on so well with. We'd take words out of each others mouths and everything.

So one week in the end of July, I rang him one evening, he didn't answer. I was like, okay, he's probably busy, he'll get in contact with me. I text him 2 days later asking was everything okay seen as I hadn't heard from him. No reply. So then the end of that week, I was working, got a text from him, saying "hey sorry I hadn't been in contact, I think its best we nip this end the bud and end it". I was so shocked and upset, I just text back "suit yourself". Went home that evening, attacked the bottle of vodka with my friend, got all dressed up and went to the local night club. I got a little over the top drunk, but still able to walk!! After the nightclub we went walking up the street, low and behold, there was my ex across the road with his friends. He was drunk too. I have a flashback of me crying and him saying "I don't want to go out with you", repeatedly. My friend was talking to him too and he cont to say "I don't want to be in a relationship" and "I don't want to break her heart". So then, nothing came out of it, I just went home with my friend.

So I forgot about him, shifted and drifted with other lads, had no interest in any of them. Cont to meet Mike out and about after the break up, it was mostly at the start of the night, everything and everyone was civil, then we would go our different ways with our friends. So that kept happening, until since October just gone, he would come home with me after nights out but we would barely even kiss, just cuddle. There was one night we walked home from a night out to my house, all the way home (about a 20 mins walk, probably 40 mins in heels) I BALLED and was asking for answers (I was pretty drunk) and he was saying he was sorry, he didn't want to be the one to make me cry, that I deserved someone better. It came to the entrance to my housing estate and we hugged, I told him go home and I walked home. I sat down on the step of my house, sparked up a cigarette when he turned up around the corner saying he wanted to stay with me. So he did, nothing happened, we kissed and cuddled. Once since he tried it on with me but I told him it wasn't happening. Since then he has stayed over, had the LOLS, nothing more, no further heart to hearts. It was back to the way it was, he would stay over after a night out, we would go for food the next day, I would drop him home, wouldn't hear or see him until the next night we were out and crossed paths.

As it has been driving me mad, I said to myself, right I'm going to do this ALL over again, ask him what our story is! So he was on facebook last wed night, I popped up on chat asking hey any crack, the usual. He was saying no crack, blah blah blah did I want to go for a few drinks. I said yeah, finding this very out of the ordinary. So I was preparing myself, right I have to get my answers tonight, I'll ask him our story and presuming he'll say no, well go our separate ways cos no way hosay am I having him stay over again. Met him in the pub, talking loads about usual stuff, having a laugh. Then we ended up getting a lock in, I was getting fairly tipsy so went to the bar for 2 more drinks and was going back to sit with him, just about to bite the bullet for a second time and ask him our story- Then he interrupts me. "I've a question. Suppose you don't want to go to a wedding with me in March?" This had taken me aback, WHAT THE HELL DO I SAY NOW?! Sure I played it cool, "ah yeah I'll see can I get it off work". So that was that. He ended up coming back to my house, we were both fairly tipsy, I have flashbacks of him kissing me and telling me he loved me, I told him I loved him back (he always says it when he's really drunk). We went to bed and I vaguely remember him saying "listen I want to talk to you about-" I cut him off saying "shut up and go to sleep" I reckoned in my drunken state he was going to explain himself for everything the last few months and I didn't want to talk about it in case I opened up and balled my eyes out! So the next day, we woke up. I brought it up about what was he going saying that night, that I couldn't rem but he just pretty much ignored that! We went for food, I was sick as a dog, went back to his friends house at the other side of town, he had a few drinks, we played a few rounds of poker. It was 6 in the morning, I said we'd better go home so going back to the car I asked him where did he want to to go. He said he didn't mind. Coming up to the roundabout near my house and his house, I told him make a decision, asked him again, where he wanted to go, he said "I want to stay with you". So brought him back, we cuddled, didn't even kiss, and went to sleep. Next day, went for food, had a laugh, I dropped him home as I had work that night and he said to get in contact with him next week about going to that wedding. This is a cousins wedding that his family wont be at, he was the only one invited from his family with a guest, he said he was not thinking of going, then he said he was thinking of bringing his brother then he decided to ask me.

So now after a LOT of thought (pretty much 24/7) and talking to my 2 best friends for their opinions that know the WHOLE story, one of them thinks I should give him an ultimatum, bring me as his girlfriend or not at all. The other thinks I should meet up with him and just explain to him that I don't think it's a good idea to go to this wedding as it would bring up all these old feelings again, etc, etc. I'm thinking I'll go with the latter but there is nothing I want more than to go to this wedding!! But I know what'll happen if I do, we'll go, people will ask who I am, he'll introduce me as his girlfriend (he always does that when we're out together, before and after we were going out, that "that's my woman, that the wife") well have a great night, we'll go home the next day, he'll thank me for going with him, then it'll be back to not hearing or seeing him until the next time I'm out.

Bear in mind, Mike is 27 this year, had a relationship a few years ago lasting 4 years which ended on bad terms.

He's using you and has no interest in having you as a girlfriend. He's repeatedly told you so and you've refused to listen. What difference is an ultimatum going to make?
I suggest you stop being so emotionally available, especially when drunk. Move on and forget him

2rkehij30qtza5

bluewolf wrote: »

He's using you and has no interest in having you as a girlfriend. He's repeatedly told you so and you've refused to listen. What difference is an ultimatum going to make?
I suggest you stop being so emotionally available, especially when drunk. Move on and forget him

To be honest, based on your post, I agree with this poster, he seems to be using you.
I don't think giving him an ultimatum is going to change your status to girlfriend. Sorry OP.

Confused1982

Basketcase12-13 wrote: »

Hey everyone, right, I'm in a bit of a pickle with the last year. I met this guy who I knew from around where I'm living at the moment this time last year, we hit it off. We went back to a house party with my friend and his friend and we kissed, then I brought him back to my house and he stayed over but nothing further than kissing happened, stayed up all night in bed talking and laughing. So I dropped him home the next day and he said he'd find me on facebook. Which he did, and we chatted every now and again just about different stuff. So the following weekend I was out in the local nightclub with my friends and I was walking past him in the smoking area and we greeted each other with a kiss. Again he stayed back at my house, again just drinking and kissing, nothing more. We would go for food the next day (he would pay) and then we would go out for another few drinks and then the same rig-ma-roll again. This went on for a few months (as in Jan '12 - May '12) I'll be honest we nearly had sex a couple of times, maybe even once in May. I was absolutely cracked about him but didn't know what our story was.

I had had enough, there was one day where I went drinking all day on a Sunday, I came home, fell asleep, woke up around 12 to one of his friends ringing me asking "will I drop Mike* over?" I, of course, said "No, tell him go home!" Five mins later, I text his friend saying "actually no call over". I had sobered up at this point and when they landed, Mike was sober enough too. So the 3 of us chatted for a while, talking the usual crap. His friend took off, so it was just myself and Mike. It was 2 in the morning, I suggested we went for a walk! So we went for a walk, talking more usual stuff, then when he got back I said to myself, right I'm going to bite the bullet. So I said "Mike, what's our story?" Absolutely, freaking out, I thought I was going to get sick, cos to me, this was going to make it or break it. If he said no to going out with me, I was going to ring a taxi and send him right home. So then he answers "well, I don't want to hurt you... But we'll give it a go". I was so shocked and could not believe this was happening!!! Course he stayed that night, only kissed and cuddled that night. I had work the following night, I dropped him home, said I'd talk to him later. He text me that night (something he NEVER did after staying with me) asking how I was and that we'd meet up the following day etc etc. So we ended up going out for a few weeks, everything was rosy, went on a date to a comedian show, pretty much like how it all was before except with more texting!! I could not believe how lucky I was to be with someone I was so cracked about and got on so well with. We'd take words out of each others mouths and everything.

So one week in the end of July, I rang him one evening, he didn't answer. I was like, okay, he's probably busy, he'll get in contact with me. I text him 2 days later asking was everything okay seen as I hadn't heard from him. No reply. So then the end of that week, I was working, got a text from him, saying "hey sorry I hadn't been in contact, I think its best we nip this end the bud and end it". I was so shocked and upset, I just text back "suit yourself". Went home that evening, attacked the bottle of vodka with my friend, got all dressed up and went to the local night club. I got a little over the top drunk, but still able to walk!! After the nightclub we went walking up the street, low and behold, there was my ex across the road with his friends. He was drunk too. I have a flashback of me crying and him saying "I don't want to go out with you", repeatedly. My friend was talking to him too and he cont to say "I don't want to be in a relationship" and "I don't want to break her heart". So then, nothing came out of it, I just went home with my friend.

So I forgot about him, shifted and drifted with other lads, had no interest in any of them. Cont to meet Mike out and about after the break up, it was mostly at the start of the night, everything and everyone was civil, then we would go our different ways with our friends. So that kept happening, until since October just gone, he would come home with me after nights out but we would barely even kiss, just cuddle. There was one night we walked home from a night out to my house, all the way home (about a 20 mins walk, probably 40 mins in heels) I BALLED and was asking for answers (I was pretty drunk) and he was saying he was sorry, he didn't want to be the one to make me cry, that I deserved someone better. It came to the entrance to my housing estate and we hugged, I told him go home and I walked home. I sat down on the step of my house, sparked up a cigarette when he turned up around the corner saying he wanted to stay with me. So he did, nothing happened, we kissed and cuddled. Once since he tried it on with me but I told him it wasn't happening. Since then he has stayed over, had the LOLS, nothing more, no further heart to hearts. It was back to the way it was, he would stay over after a night out, we would go for food the next day, I would drop him home, wouldn't hear or see him until the next night we were out and crossed paths.

As it has been driving me mad, I said to myself, right I'm going to do this ALL over again, ask him what our story is! So he was on facebook last wed night, I popped up on chat asking hey any crack, the usual. He was saying no crack, blah blah blah did I want to go for a few drinks. I said yeah, finding this very out of the ordinary. So I was preparing myself, right I have to get my answers tonight, I'll ask him our story and presuming he'll say no, well go our separate ways cos no way hosay am I having him stay over again. Met him in the pub, talking loads about usual stuff, having a laugh. Then we ended up getting a lock in, I was getting fairly tipsy so went to the bar for 2 more drinks and was going back to sit with him, just about to bite the bullet for a second time and ask him our story- Then he interrupts me. "I've a question. Suppose you don't want to go to a wedding with me in March?" This had taken me aback, WHAT THE HELL DO I SAY NOW?! Sure I played it cool, "ah yeah I'll see can I get it off work". So that was that. He ended up coming back to my house, we were both fairly tipsy, I have flashbacks of him kissing me and telling me he loved me, I told him I loved him back (he always says it when he's really drunk). We went to bed and I vaguely remember him saying "listen I want to talk to you about-" I cut him off saying "shut up and go to sleep" I reckoned in my drunken state he was going to explain himself for everything the last few months and I didn't want to talk about it in case I opened up and balled my eyes out! So the next day, we woke up. I brought it up about what was he going saying that night, that I couldn't rem but he just pretty much ignored that! We went for food, I was sick as a dog, went back to his friends house at the other side of town, he had a few drinks, we played a few rounds of poker. It was 6 in the morning, I said we'd better go home so going back to the car I asked him where did he want to to go. He said he didn't mind. Coming up to the roundabout near my house and his house, I told him make a decision, asked him again, where he wanted to go, he said "I want to stay with you". So brought him back, we cuddled, didn't even kiss, and went to sleep. Next day, went for food, had a laugh, I dropped him home as I had work that night and he said to get in contact with him next week about going to that wedding. This is a cousins wedding that his family wont be at, he was the only one invited from his family with a guest, he said he was not thinking of going, then he said he was thinking of bringing his brother then he decided to ask me.

So now after a LOT of thought (pretty much 24/7) and talking to my 2 best friends for their opinions that know the WHOLE story, one of them thinks I should give him an ultimatum, bring me as his girlfriend or not at all. The other thinks I should meet up with him and just explain to him that I don't think it's a good idea to go to this wedding as it would bring up all these old feelings again, etc, etc. I'm thinking I'll go with the latter but there is nothing I want more than to go to this wedding!! But I know what'll happen if I do, we'll go, people will ask who I am, he'll introduce me as his girlfriend (he always does that when we're out together, before and after we were going out, that "that's my woman, that the wife") well have a great night, we'll go home the next day, he'll thank me for going with him, then it'll be back to not hearing or seeing him until the next time I'm out.

Bear in mind, Mike is 27 this year, had a relationship a few years ago lasting 4 years which ended on bad terms.

If your friend was in this situation what would you tell her? I am assuming you'd tell her she deserves better and to stop wasting her time. We usually know the right thing to do, it's putting it into practice that is the hardest part. Don't wake up in a few years feeling you've wasted your 20's on some guy who didn't know what he wanted.

beks101

Good God woman, where's your pride? This guy is a messer, he doesn't want to commit to you but is happy to take the kissing and the affection and having you wrapped around his little finger as a nice little ego boost when there's noone else around he likes more.

I know you're clinging onto the idea that all of this means he really likes you, but even if that's true & he's got his own mental issues, do you really want to live your life with the head fcuk of not knowing where you stand, not knowing when you're going to hear from him next, not knowing when he's going to drop you like a hot potato?

Here's a tip : if someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE them. This guy has told you he doesn't want a relationship & his actions have verified that. He never contacts you, only picks you up when you're both out and DRUNK and he knows you're a surefire thing. The staying over and asking you to go to a wedding with him - that's you not asserting your boundaries with him. That's you not valuing yourself enough to tell him that he can't have any intimacy with you unless he's willing to put the legwork in & commit to you. That's him just getting away with what you're letting him get away with.

Stop engaging with him. Stop getting absolutely paralytic & hooking up with him, it's too easy in the moment and too difficult in the long run. You don't have anything special with this guy, you simply have a case of convenient drunken hooking up & unrequited feelings on your part. You're heading towards a car crash if you don't nip this in the bud and pronto.

Meauldsegosha

You've made yourself available to him for the last year and he has made it clear he doesn't want to make a commitment. You deserve better than that so have some self respect and cut him out of your life. Delete his phone number/Facebook, stay away from places you'll know he'll be, if you see him walk the opposite direction. It will be hard but it's what you need to do because he is never going to change.

Brussels Sprout

The one thing that jumped out at me from this story is that it sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

mrsbyrne

I went through all this myself with a guy from age 18 to about 24. i basically threw away about 6 years of my youth hoping and pining and crying for a guy who didnt love me.i could have been having fun and good times with other guys who did like me, but i spent my nites moping and drinking and desperate to catch the miserable crumbs that he would throw my way.
i even took him back after he had run off to oz with another girl.
dont make the same mistake. This guy does not like/love you. he doesnt dislike you but he does not now, nor will he ever feel the same way about you, as you feel about him. If he did he would be dating you, texting you, introducing you to his family, going on holidays, weekends away etc. you have none of these things. you are an occasional friend with some benefits, all the benefits are his.
You are drinking too much. Your drunkeness results in pain for you in that you end up in bed with this guy, albeit relatively innocently enough, but nonetheless i think that if you were not so pissed you would probably make a better desicion when he starts wheedling to get his heart to heart/lols/ kiss and cuddle.
you are deliberately heading out for the night to spots you hope he will also be heading out to. go somewhere else.dont drink so much. pick a nite class/hobby and throw yourself at it. get a friend/friends to join you.
imagine he and his mates having a bit of a snigger about you, because they are, you do know that. not in a very bad way, but sniggering nonetheless.
what you dont see coming is the extraordinary pain you will feel when you eventually see him out wining and dining a woman he does like. and you will see him, probably quite soon. touching her face, holding her hand, protective arm around the waist, brushing her hair out of her eyes. absolute torture.
if you take steps now, you will be with a guy who is wining and dining you when this happens, and the pain will be dull and fleeting, instead of searing and neverending.
please take my advice

LegacyUser

Oh wow OP .... You really need to cut back on the alcohol around this guy for a while. Hate to be so blunt but it's blindingly obvious this guy just sees you as an easy s**g. You're letting alcohol cloud your judgement towards this guy, I imagine if you could see his behaviour and interaction towards you from a sober perspective you'd realise that he's preying on your emotional vulnerability to get easy sex. Those feelings you think you feel between the two of you when you're both drunk, those signals you think he's giving you when drunk - they aren't real, it's just alcohol/alcohol induced lust talking.

This guy is just preying on you because you're an easy target when you're drunk, nothing more. So he invited you to a wedding, big deal, my guess is he probably just wants to show off to his mates by bringing a woman who is so into him that she fawns over his every word to make himself look like a stud. It doesn't mean anything. Going with him won't change anything.

OP I'm going to be brutally honest here. It sounds like you're in a very very dark place emotionally. All this getting drunk and hooking up with a guy who quite frankly treats you like crap (and deep down you know he's treating you like crap) unfortunately is all too familiar to me. I went through a phase of pretty awful depression a while back, tried to drink the feelings away and clung to a guy who used me for sex, he treated me like a piece of meat and I let him. I settled for drunken hookups because I was in such a dark place I was desperate for a little bit of intimacy/love. Of course I too analysed our every drunken encounter, reading signs that weren't there, trying to fool myself into thinking he actually cared about me. It nearly destroyed me OP. It ripped my self esteem to shreds. Don't make the same mistake I did, cut him out of your life before he destroys your self worth.

I'd urge you to visit a counsellor to look at your self esteem/alcohol issues OP, the behaviour you've described in your post is just not healthy. From experience it is not a good idea to get into a relationship or f**kbuddy situations with anyone when you're so emotionally vulnerable. Cut contact with this guy and work on yourself and your self esteem and get yourself back into a healthy place emotionally before you even consider getting involved with anyone. Honestly you'll save yourself a world of heartache.

Take care OP.

daisybelle2008

Basketcase12-13 wrote: »

I said "Mike, what's our story?"

he answers "well, I don't want to hurt you... But we'll give it a go"

.

What a strange answer. Why would hurt come into he equation, unless he is not committed or capable to giving it a real go.
If I understand from your posts you have never actually had sex with him? It sounds like he might not be physically attracted to you but likes your friendship and occasional attention. Sounds like he'd move on quickly if someone he was more attracted to came along, but you are probably ticking a few boxes so he is happy to entertain to some degree. You deserve more OP. I think the wedding is a bad idea while you want more.
It should be easier, bawling and pleading is not love...

Airitech

This guy has been fairly straight up about where he stands. You're looking for something that's not there. Move on.

Roisy7

Cut out the drink and cut him out too.

Why would you settle for this crap? Because you're unhappy and think you don't deserve any better. I know, because I have been there. I remember the flashbacks of screaming and crying utter nonsense at someone. I remember the hangovers, the bad skin, the shakes, the bad food, constantly being on the verge of tears, lying in bed in the foetal position just wanting to go home.

Any of that sound familiar?

He has always been direct about what he doesn't want. And what he doesn't want is a relationship with you. You deserve better than being someone's drunken option. Even what he said "I don't want to hurt you, but I'll give it a go"... Jesus that is such I-don't-even-know-what. How easy it is for him to pin it all on you. "Well I said I didn't want to hurt you". How easy for him to make it all your fault.

Why would you settle for a guy who is reluctant to "give it a go" when you could have a guy who would jump at the chance to be your boyfriend? Sadly, the longer you spend in this drunken haze, the less likely you are to recognise that man when you see him.

OP are you working/in college? You seem to be drinking an awful lot. I hope you don't think that we are a bunch of preachers, I'm sure many of us posting here like a tipple, but all I could see in that post was "OK I was drunk but I could walk" ""we'd meet up for a few drinks" "got stuck into the vodka". I hope you can appreciate how bad that looks from a stranger's point of view.

You need to take a good look at yourself, your relationship with booze and your relationship with yourself. Forget about Mike and all unsuitable men until your head is straight.

I hope this isn't too harsh, but I wish someone had been this blunt with me a few years back.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all yer replies. I know I drink a lot but I think it's just my way of dealing / blotting out all this. I have considered all yer advice and hopefully all going well, I'll be in a better place this time next year. Thank you.

RossFixxxed

The drinking is making it worse. You need to look at your relationship with alcohol as it is waaaay off the mark. Using any drug to 'blot out' things leads down an absolutely horrible road. Believe me.

dellas1979

Basketcase12-13 wrote: »

Thanks for all yer replies. I know I drink a lot but I think it's just my way of dealing / blotting out all this. I have considered all yer advice and hopefully all going well, I'll be in a better place this time next year. Thank you.

You seem young, and you should not be getting into the habit or idea that alcohol is there to blank out issues. Youre only kidding yourself, your emotions, and your wallet will be alot lighter to boot.

The way to deal with issues is to deal with them sober and with a clear mind and make decisions.

Im not on the "alcohol is the devil and never drink again" brigade - but you cant be looking at alcohol at this stage in your life as something that will help solve your issue(s).

Brego888

As a few others have said you really need to sort your drinking out.
Try and find some activites that dont revolve around drink which will hopefully build your confidence.

Duberlin Chick

I've been in a similar situation before and one day it just all became clear...... Why the hell am I trying to 'convince' someone to go out with me?! Who wants to go out with someone they've had to coax into a relationship?! Surely I deserve to be put on some sort of a pedestal....... Sounds like he's talked you down off yours.

Ditch him and don't look back girl!

fog arty

You need to sort this out he is showing you no respect