ex alert

LegacyUser

So to keep it short,I'm with my boyfriend 2 years,living together a year and what I thought was happy out.
My issue is that at the start of the relationship he was in daily contact with his ex,both of them would ring each other nearly every day or at least every second day.Having come from a. ong term relationship where I was cheated on he knows I was a bit insecure at the start but as a few months went on I became very jealous of them being in contact.I asked him to stop and he promised he would.there was no demands made of him to do this,I just told him I wasn't comfortable with it.

Roll on a few months and I see that they are in contact again,became very upset about this and when I said it to him he said he didn't realise how much it was upsetting me and again promised he would stop.i asked him was his friendship with her more important than our relationship and he said no and promised to stop.I was very upset and told him that if it happened again I would leave him and also get in touch with her boyfriend and tell him they had been in constant contact so he said he'd stop and also tell her to stop and I thought that was the end of it.
Then yday eve I saw a strange number on his phone,his ex has a work number and a personal number so by chance I Googled it and her name and number came up in the results.I checked his phone then (wrong I know) but he rang her yday and was on the phone to her for 5 mins,im so gutted.even gutted is an under statement.
So I know what I should do,as I'm not putting up with anymore lies but how do I tell him I know?I wasn't supposed to be snooping around his phone but I'm so disappointed I can't even be mad.to make it worse then he asked why I was all quiet and I said no reason.he knew there was something up and then after leaving for work rang me and said that it couldn't be his fault I was in quiet form as he hasn't done anything wrong.how do I confront him and how do I tell him I saw this call on his phone?

P. Breathnach

Is he entitled to an explanation? All you need tell him is that so far as you are concerned the relationship has no future.

DeltaWhite

Hi OP


I wont judge you for insecurity or for checking his phone as most people have experienced the same so you dont deserve to be judged. If this is truly bothering you then the way I see it is, you can sit him down and tell him basically that you dont trust him. If you have even an ounce of distrust, then you need to do something about it.
Choices:
(1) end it with him and find someone that isnt best pals with their ex (shouldnt be hard as not many people are in that situation)
(2) get to grips with their friendship and work on your insecurity
or
(3) he has to cut contact for good.

I myself can see where you are coming from as I personally would not be happy if I was in your situation. There are very few ex couples that remain friends so I would find it hard to just sit back and say nothing if it was my OH.

Abi

Generally speaking, it's not really okay to ask someone to completely cut contact with an ex. However, you did say to him you were cheated on before, and he is being very insensitive.

At first it was out the in open they kept in contact, now hes doing it in secret, even though you told him you would leave if you found out about it again. Hes taking the risk for this girl, and I wonder why.

If it was me in your shoes, I'd bring it up with him. He's really no right to lose the head with you, given he's lied to you about it.

Megs_ 2013

Three strikes, you out!!!!!!!!!

He has disrespected you by lying, walk away with your head held high, dont let him tell you more lies

CaraMay

Its not about him talking to his ex, it's about him lying. There is no way round this - you tell him you know and how you know or you say nothing and life continues as is.... Not a nice position to be in.

LegacyUser

I'm going to go against the general trend here OP and say you should at least talk to your OH before dumping him. I say this not because I think he did or didn't do something wrong but because you admit you were cheated on in a pervious relationship and that has made you insecure, that will not change by dumping your BF. How are you going to stop yourself from finding yourself in a similar situation with your next relationship? It can be very hard for people who don't suffer from insecurity issues to really understand how it can effect you and how you can react to things that to them are very innocent. I'm someone who has suffered from insecurity after a very bad relationship and it ruined all my relationships after that for a number of years until I went to speak to my GP. Again I'm not defending your current BF but think about your own long term well being, looking through phones and searching phone numbers online behind a partners back is not healthy. Ask yourself what would you have done if the number had turned out not to be the ex but work related or something else? Would you have admitted to your OH what you'd done or would have kept that a secret from him? Talk to him and by all means dump his ass if your not happy with his response but then go speak to your GP about speaking to someone about your insecurity - don't do it for your current BF or any future BF's do it for you.

LegacyUser

Op here,thanks for the replies.I'm totally gutted still and just glad he's at work
I feel like an eejet.this girl has a bf and my bf isn't friends with him so I'm assuming he didn't like contact before either.I seen texts from this girl before this was an issue saying that she couldn't talk at a certain time cos she was at her bf's so that sounds like he isn't happy with the situation either.
I'm very much considering leaving our house for the nite and ignoring him for a while

Why cant people be happy with what they have instead of hurting and lying to people behind their backs.

One more question,I know by telling him that I seen his phone log that he will start on about me not trusting him etc but I can't just leave this so is there any advice for me on that front?

Taltos

I am of a different mind here.

My opinion is you had no right to tell him who he could or could not be friends with.
I understand you were cheated on - but not by him.

He and his ex may have a very long friendship from before or maybe they split because they realised they could only be friends. Personally speaking I would dig my heels in if my girlfriend told me I could not be friends with an ex.

At the same time though - he has messed up royally here. He lied to you - thus reinforcing your fears. Knowing you were cheated on he really should have tried to reassure you, not lie and go behind your back. Some people would and will reiterate he should have ended that friendship and in some circumstances that is the right thing to do, but again we don't know the kind of friendship they have so while it might be right for me, it might not be right for him. Personally I am not in touch with my ex's they are ex's for a reason, but some people find healthy happy friendships with people they have been involved with.

My suggestion is you both need to sit down and talk about this.
a) He has a right to choose his own friends
b) He has to be absolutely honest with you
c) You need to learn to trust him again, or if you can't then maybe it is time to call it a day here. If you are going to constantly check his phone or think you will - then walk now, you will never know a moments peace.

Magicmatilda

You told him if you caught him again you would leave. You have no caught him again....

Whether or not people have a right to choose their friends etc (and I believe they have) the point is that he agreed to stay away from this girl, he knows how it would affect you and he has gone ahead and contacted her anyway. Like I said, you already set the boundary you either enforce it or you just keep pushing it out.

Lorna123

It's one thing to be friends with an ex but to be in touch on a daily basis is very strange. I would not like that at all. You are upset at the moment so if I were you I would say nothing right now. I would wait and see how this develops. This will give you time to wean yourself off him if that is what you want to do and in the meantime all this will come to the fore, i.e. you can have a chat with him and ask him if he has heard from his ex lately? See what he says. Give it a while and it will become clearer how this is panning out. If you catch him out with any more lies about his ex then you will be mentally ready to let him go and you won't care whether he knows you have seen his phone or not.

jdsk2006

I think you should leave for a day or two for some headspace and to pull some power back in your direction ......you need to carry out with your threat or he will keep lying