Should I Pursue This?

donegal_man

As anyone who has read some of my previous posts is possibly aware I am a 42 (nearly 43) year old divorcé living in Donegal although from down the country. The question that has now arisen is should I pursue a relationship with a much younger woman (27) who has expressed an interest in me?
We have been friends for some time, having dinner, going for a drink together etc. however tonight at a mutual friend's home she said that she is "totally into" me and wants to take our friendship further. I laughed and suggested that she contact me when she is sober. The thing is that I am HUGELY attracted to her despite our massive age difference and the fact that I have an ex-wife and two children. So the question is should I pursue our potential relationship or should tell her that due to our age gap and my family situation it is best if we just remain friends?
Excuse my grammer/spelling as I have consumed rather more alcohol than usual

CaraMay

Go out on a date with her and see how it goes. I assume she knows your situation and she is an adult so can make up her own mind whether to get involved or not.

P. Breathnach

The age gap is not very significant. It's not as if she is just starting out on life's great adventure; she should be considered mature. You, at 42, are not yet elderly!

Having an ex-wife and two children might matter. They impact on your life, but you know how that works: financial impact; emotional baggage; contact with children. I presume, as you seem to have a strong friendship with this woman, that she already has some awareness of these issues.

Why not seek her input into your decision-making process? Have a conversation with her; tell her that you are hugely attracted to her, but see some possible complications arising from your family situation. And take it from there.

yermandan

I've seen many 14/15 year age gap relationships at your ages work superbly.

I honestly dont see the problem. Tell her how you feel, take her out, enjoy your life, you deserve it!!

Best of luck

sffc

Am of a similar age to you ,separated with two kids so know where you are coming from . I like other posters wouldn't be overly concerned about the age gap per se
I'm assuming that (1) she has no children and (2) you aren't just up for a bit of fun i.e. you arent ruling out something serious down the road if both felt the same way . (3) your children are fairly young i.e not teenagers
As she has no kids two basic problems may arise . Firstly you will probably want to keep the relationship from your kids for a while to see if things work out and then decide when to introduce etc . You will therefore need to divide your time and priorites .A single girl with the best will in the world can quickly get tired of this, can feel "second best" and like she is "having an affair" . Secondly at 27 she will probably be thinking of having kids herself down the road . Is that ever going to be on your agenda ?
I'm not saying it can't work , I'm saying there are "flashpoints" to beware of . You guys need to talk - and be very blunt and honest! Best of luck :-)

Meauldsegosha

Having an ex-wife and two children shouldn't stop you from dating. This women is aware of your past as she is a friend. So go for it and enjoy yourself..

CaraMay

Another poster made a great point - if you don't want kids or marriage again you need to tell her straight up from the start.

Emme

Why would you not be interested in a woman closer to your own age? It's your choice but you have two children already. If you get together with the 27 year old she will most likely want children. If you want to start another family and go through the nightly feeds/dirty nappies routine again that's fine, but if you don't want that a 27 year old might not suit you long term.

Basically it depends what you both want.

As an aside, it wouldn't be nearly as acceptable for a 42 year old woman to date a 27 year old man.

December2012

Go for it!

April O Neill

OP, the difference is only 15 years, it's nothing!

IrishEyes19

going out on my own ledge here I'd say But I think age gap is really important. She's only 27, there's no way her life priorities are a match for someone over 40. No disrespect, OP. Having said that, its your life OP and her choice. And if you two are really happy together, then go for it. I certainly wouldn't stop anyone from finding happiness. Life is too short as they say.

my main concern would be her priorities and yours. For instance her friendships, may not be a big deal, but my friends for instance are of a similar age, I'm in my early twenties so we go out every week, stay out late, no one is engaged or settled so we live free lives, and move to and fro a bit. Are you ok with this? would you be comfortable socialising within her inner circle. Would she?

Her life goals at the moment. Is she prepared to take on 2 children, because lets be honest, if it becomes serious, they will have to be in her life somewhat. Would she be cool with that?

to be honest, no one should affect your relationship choices, but age would for me. I wouldn't want to hold her back or you for that matter. 27 is still very young, has she lived a bit even.

do what you want and she wants. Just be sure thats all. Best of luck

donegal_man

sffc wrote: »

Am of a similar age to you ,separated with two kids so know where you are coming from . I like other posters wouldn't be overly concerned about the age gap per se
I'm assuming that (1) she has no children and (2) you aren't just up for a bit of fun i.e. you arent ruling out something serious down the road if both felt the same way . (3) your children are fairly young i.e not teenagers
As she has no kids two basic problems may arise . Firstly you will probably want to keep the relationship from your kids for a while to see if things work out and then decide when to introduce etc . You will therefore need to divide your time and priorites .A single girl with the best will in the world can quickly get tired of this, can feel "second best" and like she is "having an affair" . Secondly at 27 she will probably be thinking of having kids herself down the road . Is that ever going to be on your agenda ?
I'm not saying it can't work , I'm saying there are "flashpoints" to beware of . You guys need to talk - and be very blunt and honest! Best of luck :-)

Some excellent points there. My children will be my priority and this is something that she has always known as I have cancelled events before when one of them was sick. Unfortunately the question of whether she might want kids is moot for reasons that I'm not going to go into here, suffice it say it's never going to happen. She already has a good relationship with my children as one of daddy's friends but not sure how they would take it if she was daddy's "special friend", particularly the eight year old. Definitely be a while before that subject would be broached Luckily my divorce was very civilized with no disputes about custody etc although I'm not sure how my ex would react to me dating someone ten years younger than her either.

Emme wrote: »

Why would you not be interested in a woman closer to your own age? It's your choice but you have two children already. If you get together with the 27 year old she will most likely want children. If you want to start another family and go through the nightly feeds/dirty nappies routine again that's fine, but if you don't want that a 27 year old might not suit you long term.

Basically it depends what you both want.

As an aside, it wouldn't be nearly as acceptable for a 42 year old woman to date a 27 year old man.

And right there is the sort of reaction that I wouldn't want to expose either of us to! I'm sure you didn't mean to sound rude or judgmental but I'm afraid you do, at least to me.
As for the nightly routine of feeds and dirty nappies, I'm forty-two not quite in my dotage and I do look after an eight year old and a six year old most weekends on my own so I'm hardly incapable, anyway as I said above it's not an issue.
As to your side issue, that's hardly my fault and to be honest I think it's maybe a topic for another day or perhaps another thread.

Anyway a general thank you to everyone who responded
The children are with their mother this weekend visiting one of her aunts in Limerick so we are meeting for dinner on Saturday night and see how it goes. To be honest, I'm incredibly nervous, this is my first "date" in almost a year and a half.

CaraMay

Good luck op and enjoy.

Emme

donegal_man wrote: »

I'm not sure how my ex would react to me dating someone ten years younger than her either.

That all depends on your relationship with her. If the split was amicable she shouldn't have a problem. If not then she might be a bit miffed and understandably so. Also if she hasn't met somebody else herself you dating somebody 10 years younger than her might be upsetting.

donegal_man wrote: »

And right there is the sort of reaction that I wouldn't want to expose either of us to! I'm sure you didn't mean to sound rude or judgmental but I'm afraid you do, at least to me.

If you took it up as judgmental that's unfortunate as it wasn't meant to be. This IS the reaction you will get from some people and you have to be prepared for it. Your ex and her peers might ask the very same question - why couldn't you date somebody your own age? The answer here is that you both like each other very much and are willing to overlook the age gap and make compromises if necessary.

donegal_man wrote: »

As for the nightly routine of feeds and dirty nappies, I'm forty-two not quite in my dotage and I do look after an eight year old and a six year old most weekends on my own so I'm hardly incapable, anyway as I said above it's not an issue.

Some men of your age don't have your youthful attitude and don't want to go through childrearing again. Maybe those men never made good fathers in the first place and they're making excuses. I don't know. I think that if having children isn't an issue for the woman in question and you have two youngish children already then it might be very good for all concerned.

donegal_man wrote: »

To be honest, I'm incredibly nervous, this is my first "date" in almost a year and a half.

Don't be nervous, I'm sure it will all work out very well for you. As I said before, when the age gap is in favour of the man there are fewer problems than vice versa.

December2012

Enjoy yourselves. It seems you're both going into it with your eyes open and you know what's happening in the other ones life (as opposed to say if you had hooked up with a random chick in a nightclub).

sffc

donegal_man wrote: »

Some excellent points there. My children will be my priority and this is something that she has always known as I have cancelled events before when one of them was sick. Unfortunately the question of whether she might want kids is moot for reasons that I'm not going to go into here, suffice it say it's never going to happen. She already has a good relationship with my children as one of daddy's friends but not sure how they would take it if she was daddy's "special friend", particularly the eight year old. Definitely be a while before that subject would be broached Luckily my divorce was very civilized with no disputes about custody etc although I'm not sure how my ex would react to me dating someone ten years younger than her either.



And right there is the sort of reaction that I wouldn't want to expose either of us to! I'm sure you didn't mean to sound rude or judgmental but I'm afraid you do, at least to me.
As for the nightly routine of feeds and dirty nappies, I'm forty-two not quite in my dotage and I do look after an eight year old and a six year old most weekends on my own so I'm hardly incapable, anyway as I said above it's not an issue.
As to your side issue, that's hardly my fault and to be honest I think it's maybe a topic for another day or perhaps another thread.

Anyway a general thank you to everyone who responded
The children are with their mother this weekend visiting one of her aunts in Limerick so we are meeting for dinner on Saturday night and see how it goes. To be honest, I'm incredibly nervous, this is my first "date" in almost a year and a half.

I'm actually going to change some of my advice OP . A first for me on Boards ! sorry to do this but I'd be dishonest if I said nothing . It's not that I think anything I said was wrong in my previous post just that does it really matter ??
What I really mean is every relationship has difficulties and if we were to all worry about them we would never embark on them . The vast vast majority of first post-marraige relationships fail within a few months but so do teenage ones but it never stopped us then . There are no gaurantees and actually that's the fun of it all . Maybe its best not to saddle the early days of this relationship with heavy stuff . Enjoy every day as it comes and the dating butterflies in your stomach . Yes I was suprised to find they were still in mine too after all these years!
You are lucky your children are still young - just a few more years and it's a lot more difficult . Older kids often feel disloyal to the other parent in dealings with a new partner . Many wives (and husbands in fairness) get very stroppy over new partners . Unless the subject is in your divorce agreement she is legally powerless but its that feeling of powerlessness that often causes tension .
This is all a worry for another day however - one day at a time . Really hope the dinner goes well !

Lorna123

I would just be a bit afraid that you might get hurt, afterall this woman is just starting out, might be madly attracted to you right now but decide she wants a younger man later on. I feel that there is more of a chance that you would get hurt rather than her. Of course it doesn't follow, but it would make me nervous.
No harm in giving it a go to see how it develops though.