Reaching breaking point, please help.

LegacyUser

Im in my mid twenties and have been with my partner for a number years. We live together in my home and have a young child, in all our years together he's never worked a day therefore never contributed to the running of the home, bills, clothes etc for our child, absolutely never brought me out on a date or a weekend away. While I was pregnant I went out and worked up until i was 9 months while he slept in bed all day, when I came home from the hospital with our new baby he hadn't even washed a cup there was piles of filthy dishes in our kitchen. I begged him to try get work from the moment I found out i was pregnant but he never has in the years since, i sometimes feel like i can't breath with stress waking during the night in a panic at what my life has become, Im constantly worried about money and bills and he just doesn't have a care in the world. Im missing precious time with my child because Im working all the time to provide for them, his family have said some horrible things to me and his mother hasn't an ounce of respect for me ignoring me completely in my own home, it's really embarrassing and of course he has never stood up for me, infact has said quite nasty things to me in front of them so it really isn't any wonder they've no respect for me. When he's going to the shop he'll simply say "purse" putting his hand out to take my card. I've given up asking him to get work, he stays at home and minds our child which usually i would admire but there's not really much minding involved, its becoming apparant that he just sits watching tv all day while feeding our childhas continues mounds of rubbish. All I've asked of him for tho past year or so is to do a good job of being a stay at home dad, keep the house clean-i don't care about tidy but I don't want my child living in filth. I've cried and asked him to please show the tiniest bit of respect for me and my home but he just shrugs like a teenager and says yeah yeah i will. Never happens though. I always make sure he is able to get out and has enough money to pursue his hobbies, make sure he always has the equipment necessary etc. I just feel like I've woken up in a nightmare, I do love him but I feel so used and worthless.

DeltaWhite

Wow... this is really cruel and unfair on you OP

Ask yourself though.. can you honestly live like this forever?

Either he has to go so you can get some sort of a life back, or you need to have a really serious talk and basically tell him to MAN UP or jog on... Obviously with a child involved it's not that easy but think about it OP, you cannot keep living like this forever!

ladygirl

No OP you do not love him, you may think you do, but it seems to me that at this stage you just are in a habbit/routine and you do not know any better.

This man does not seem to have an ounce of respect for himself so how do you expect him to respect you.

He is with you out of convenience, not out of love. He lives in your house, spends your money etc.. Ask yourself is this the life you would want for your child????

Please pluck up the courage to leave him and start rebuilding your life, if not for yourself please do it for your child. I promise you, you will be much better off in the long run. You have already exhausted yourself by begging him to change - dont waste any more of your time on this rodent.


Best of luck
xxxx

ABajaninCork

Think about it OP. What are you getting out of this 'relationship'?

You work. He doesn't. In fact, he has never worked. Why is that??
He lives in your home.
He does NOTHING to contribute to the running of the home.
He pays no bills.
He ponces money as and when he wants.
He doesn't keep the home clean and tidy.
His childcare skills might be questionable.
Neither he nor his family have any respect for you.
He's never taken you out on a date. He doesn't buy presents.
He's NEVER done anything nice for you.

How does he enrich your life? All you are to him is another mother! Jobs are hard to come by in this market. The very least he could do is to bring up the child and keep the house in good order. He doesn't even do that! WTF is he doing all day??

Apart from the child, he does nothing for you. Why are you still there? Why haven't you given your partner leech this hard word?

Tell him either he has to fix up or get out.

Abi

AnonUser345 wrote: »

Im in my mid twenties and have been with my partner for a number years. We live together in my home and have a young child, in all our years together he's never worked a day therefore never contributed to the running of the home, bills, clothes etc for our child, absolutely never brought me out on a date or a weekend away. While I was pregnant I went out and worked up until i was 9 months while he slept in bed all day, when I came home from the hospital with our new baby he hadn't even washed a cup there was piles of filthy dishes in our kitchen. I begged him to try get work from the moment I found out i was pregnant but he never has in the years since, i sometimes feel like i can't breath with stress waking during the night in a panic at what my life has become, Im constantly worried about money and bills and he just doesn't have a care in the world. Im missing precious time with my child because Im working all the time to provide for them, his family have said some horrible things to me and his mother hasn't an ounce of respect for me ignoring me completely in my own home, it's really embarrassing and of course he has never stood up for me, infact has said quite nasty things to me in front of them so it really isn't any wonder they've no respect for me. When he's going to the shop he'll simply say "purse" putting his hand out to take my card. I've given up asking him to get work, he stays at home and minds our child which usually i would admire but there's not really much minding involved, its becoming apparant that he just sits watching tv all day while feeding our childhas continues mounds of rubbish. All I've asked of him for tho past year or so is to do a good job of being a stay at home dad, keep the house clean-i don't care about tidy but I don't want my child living in filth. I've cried and asked him to please show the tiniest bit of respect for me and my home but he just shrugs like a teenager and says yeah yeah i will. Never happens though. I always make sure he is able to get out and has enough money to pursue his hobbies, make sure he always has the equipment necessary etc. I just feel like I've woken up in a nightmare, I do love him but I feel so used and worthless.

Is that because he is the father of your child? Given all you've said its the only thing I can see you have left to hang on to.

He's an utterly useless slob of a man, and I think you could tell him to get a job and clean the house till you're blue in the face. He has no intentions of either. He's disrespectful towards you, uses you for money, and you pay for his hobbies and nights out?! why would he be bothered getting a job when you're paying for it all for him, he has an easy life.

And this shít with his mother walking through the place IGNORING you?! wtf is that? Tell her to piss off out of your house, and she may take her slob of a son with her. Never let anyone treat you like that in your own home!

You need to open a can of whoop-ass in that house of yours. You might as well have a saddle thrown over your back, you've been taken for a ride OP.

ABajaninCork

I just thought of something OP. Is your partner getting dole? If he is, then you need to ask a hard question about what he is doing with the money?

I agree with Abi. The next time his mother turns up to your house larging it, tell her to GTFO. When she (or her useless git of a son) starts paying the bills they can behave as they like. You're paying, so you're saying!!

Good luck!

AnonUser345

AnonUser345 wrote: »

When he's going to the shop he'll simply say "purse" putting his hand out to take my card.
I've cried and asked him to please show the tiniest bit of respect for me and my home but he just shrugs like a teenager and says yeah yeah i will. Never happens though. I always make sure he is able to get out and has enough money to pursue his hobbies,

You already have a child, you don't need a second one.
Why would he change when there are no consequences? Why would he change when he has no love or respect for you? Kick him out.

LegacyUser

Op here.
Thanks for all the replies, Im amazed how shocked and devastated i was to read them.
I was certain everyone would say I was being too hard on him or I should be grateful he stuck around at all.
It was extremely painful to have it verified some of the things I already sort of knew.
I've really no idea what to do from here, there's just no more energy left in me to keep asking him to change, I can't bare to separate my child with their father, Im just exhausted.

ABajaninCork

OPagain678 wrote: »

Op here.
Thanks for all the replies, Im amazed how shocked and devastated i was to read them.
I was certain everyone would say I was being too hard on him or I should be grateful he stuck around at all.
It was extremely painful to have it verified some of the things I already sort of knew.
I've really no idea what to do from here, there's just no more energy left in me to keep asking him to change, I can't bare to separate my child with their father, Im just exhausted.

OP. I really feel for you. This thing has sucked all the life and fight from you. You know what you need to do. Take heart from what we've told you here. You're not wrong. What does your family think about this? Do they even know??

Tell this loser to pack his bags and get to stepping! NOW!!! Do you have any male relatives or friends to oversee the exit? If not, then perhaps get the Gards to get him out if he tries anything.

Think about it. What sort of example are you setting for the child if you allow this situation to continue?

If the child is a girl, then you are teaching her this is how men behave, and she can't expect better for herself.. If the child is a boy, then you are teaching him that it's OK to treat Mummy (and other women like this). You can do better. You know that, otherwise you would never have come on here looking for advice.

Strength and courage, OP. You can do it!

Forever Hopeful

ABajaninCork wrote: »

OP. I really feel for you. This thing has sucked all the life and fight from you. You know what you need to do. Take heart from what we've told you here. You're not wrong. What does your family think about this? Do they even know??

Tell this loser to pack his bags and get to stepping! NOW!!! Do you have any male relatives or friends to oversee the exit? If not, then perhaps get the Gards to get him out if he tries anything.

Think about it. What sort of example are you setting for the child if you allow this situation to continue?

If the child is a girl, then you are teaching her this is how men behave, and she can't expect better for herself.. If the child is a boy, then you are teaching him that it's OK to treat Mummy (and other women like this). You can do better. You know that, otherwise you would never have come on here looking for advice.

Strength and courage, OP. You can do it!

^ excellent advice

Op, it's heartbreaking to read your story. Your last response is so sad to read. Who could possibly think you are hard on him.
God forgive me but he is a low life waste of space and reading that bit about him asking for your purse - oh good God - a child wouldn't get away with that.

You are young with everything going for you - get away from this horrific situation. As AbajaninCork says don't suspect your children to this as it'll repeat the cycle and you all deserve more. A life alone is healthier than the one you are in.

LegacyUser

OPagain678 wrote: »

Op here.
Thanks for all the replies, Im amazed how shocked and devastated i was to read them.
I was certain everyone would say I was being too hard on him or I should be grateful he stuck around at all.
It was extremely painful to have it verified some of the things I already sort of knew.
I've really no idea what to do from here, there's just no more energy left in me to keep asking him to change, I can't bare to separate my child with their father, Im just exhausted.

It says a lot about your own self-esteem OP that you thought people would say you were being hard on him. I don't want to sound cruel OP but by giving him money for 'his hobbies' and running around doing all the work you've enabled him to sit on his ass and not work so why should he change, he has a fantastic life from his view point.

You say you don't want to separate your child from their father but you have to put the health and well being of both yourself and your child first. He is not a stay at home dad - he just happens to be home all day alone with the child. He is feeding them rubbish which is going to effect their long term health if it's not stopped now. What happens if you become ill as a result of all the work and stress? Do you honestly feel he would look after your child? What about his family - do you want them around your child telling them all sorts of bad things about you, putting you down? When your child grows older do you think they will have any respect for you watching daddy walk all over you?

Like I said OP I don't want to sound cruel but it's time to face some hard realities. You need to remove yourself and your child from this environment. She does not need to loose a father, he can arrange visitation/access but it must be him who looks for it which from the sounds of it he won't bother his ass to do. That will not be your fault OP, you need to remember that, yes he is her father but he needs to act like one.

Either ask him to leave or take your child and leave. If you can have a male friend or relative help or maybe have your child go stay with your family for a few days while you sort things. I know that is easy to say harder to do but it all starts with one step. Do you really want to still be in the same place 5/10/15 years from now? Maybe with a few more kids added in?

sffc

I amn't made of stone OP -I have some sympathy for you but frankly not a whole lot . You have facilitaited your partner's behaviour by letting him off the hook time and time again over the years . Whether you realise it or not you have given him a message - do what you like , I might moan a bit but in the end there will be no consequences , I'll feel in the wrong most probably and you can do it all over again .

If you just made a rod for your own back that would be one thing but you have also made a rod for your child's - he/she deserves better .

Please a make a new start for yourself and your child . Visit the Citizens Info and get legal advice on getting him out of "your home" . As you have co-habited for more than two years with a child there may be complications - I'm not sure . Stop giving him your money/card . If he takes it without your permission phone the Gaurds . Every time . You have rights .

I don't want to give you sympathy OP - just respect . Sorry for being harsh , I wish you all the courage in the world and hope you get the outcome you want .

daisybelle2008

OP you are 100% responsible for the way you are being treated in this relationship. You set the standard of what you will or won't tolerate, and you have set the bar very low indeed. People treat you how you let them. If you don't insist on a higher standard you have to accept that you get the relationship you tolerate. You can use your child as an excuse but there are plenty of people who wouldn't in a million years put up with the horrible 'relationship' you exist in if they had a child. It is one thing to bring a child into such a low class of a relationship but not to change things for the better is another.
You are in danger of becoming one of those people who are a martyr to their misery, complaining all the time about how put upon and miserable they are, one of lives eternal 'victims'.
Why are you with someone you are clearly so incompatible with and have no respect for?Staying in a horrible relationship 'for the sake of the child' is an awful burden to put on a little child. I would want no parent of mine to be unhappy for my'sake'. It will be clear to your child and everyone who comes in contact with you two how unsuitable ye are together. The only lesson you are giving your child is how to tolerate miserable relationships,do nothing about it and blame other people for not taking control of your own happiness.

willow tree

Op you are a really kind person who deserves a whole lot better. You're hard working, loving & sensitive. Figure out how to budget for a life for yourself. Can you pay for a childminder or is a family member free? Bit by bit be kind to yourself, get counselling if you can.. anything to build up your self esteem. Your child will have a parent to respect & look up to. your child can see dad when they want too, you're not takin him away. Take support where you can get it- family, friends etc. Good luck, you are strong.

movingsucks

If you did split up, your partner could still mind the child during the day while you work. Things might still be tough for you but At least you wouldn't be coming home to a filthy house!

Anyway Next time he says "purse" , what would happen if you said "yeah yeah maybe later" or "dishes"? Or tell him there's no money in the account coz you spent it all on bills or yourself or your child?
Or tell him there's no money for his hobbies or to see his mates because you're hiring a cleaner to come in once a week because you're sick of working your ass off to come home to a mess and you and your child deserve better?
Would he shout? Sulk? Threaten to leave?
What does he do that you will do anything for him but he treats you so badly?
He sounds like a spoilt child, that's why his mum hates you and I'd be tempted to give him back to her tbh.

sffc

movingsucks wrote: »

If you did split up, your partner could still mind the child during the day while you work. Things might still be tough for you but At least you wouldn't be coming home to a filthy house!

Anyway Next time he says "purse" , what would happen if you said "yeah yeah maybe later" or "dishes"? Or tell him there's no money in the account coz you spent it all on bills or yourself or your child?
Or tell him there's no money for his hobbies or to see his mates because you're hiring a cleaner to come in once a week because you're sick of working your ass off to come home to a mess and you and your child deserve better?
Would he shout? Sulk? Threaten to leave?
What does he do that you will do anything for him but he treats you so badly?
He sounds like a spoilt child, that's why his mum hates you and I'd be tempted to give him back to her tbh.

From what the OP has written this relationship is totally dysfunctional for the OP , her partner and her child . No-one is happy not even the partner . I'd love to be wrong but I can't see anything changing unless it ends .

The OP is looking for validation that it's ok to end the relationship . Low self-esteem means she can't see what the vast majority of us can see - i.e .that rather than being wrong to end it , it's wrong to continue it .

ManOfMystery

OP, there's no point in me repeating what the posters above have said. Everyone is pretty much in agreement that this man is a complete leech with no respect for you, and he's having a grand old time lazing about and sponging money off you while you work your ass off to support him and your child.

No man with an ounce of self-respect or compassion would make their wife work up until she's 9 months pregnant while he lies in bed for half the day. This man does not care about you OP; if he did, he wouldn't behave like that. It's that simple.

You also have to look at the message this is sending to your child. As a parent, you have to teach your child what personal responsibility and hard work is. Your kid is going to grow up seeing Daddy doing absolutely nothing for himself, waiting on handouts all the time, and generally adding absolutely nothing to society. Not to mention the complete lack of respect in things he (or his family) say to you. What is that going to teach your child?

You're on a very slippery slope here OP, but it's not too late yet to get off it. As your child gets older and you become yet more jaded by the life you're in, you're going to find it harder and harder to change things. From what I can see, this man is nothing but a dead weight around your neck. The fact that he is the father of your child does not give him any right to behave in the way he is behaving, and does not force you to remain in a relationship you're not happy in.

You can still have an enjoyable future and one that's infinitely more fulfilling than the one you're in now, but you HAVE to take action soon.

CaraMay

Op I don't get from either if your posts that you want or are willing to leave him, more that you want to know how to change him or change yourself to feel ok with his behavior. Is this the case?

Dark Phoenix

Op you are essentially living the life of a single mother with two children to look after. If you left him I;d imagine your life might actually be easier with you no longer having to house, clothe, clean up after, fund and feed the adult child!

Get out of there for your own sake you are running yourself ragged so this sponger can lie watching tv all day and spend your hard earned cash on himself. I was gutted reading your original post as Im so sad to see you have allowed someone to treat you like this please start to love and respect yourself more

ShowMeTheCash

If you where to tell him, that you need a break from the relationship how do you think he would take it?
Not saying to flat out tell him to get out, but by the sounds of it you are taken for granted... Not even saying he will change...
But maybe you need to show him everything that you do for him.

Also will give you a little space to get your head right, its hard loving something that is bad for you!

jdsk2006

I would worry about the child bored silly with zero stimulation all day, that's detrimental to development.
Get out of that relationship as fast as you can, true love really doesn't read like that.

All the best x

Slutmonkey57b

As the other posters have said, your co-habiting leech is not a partner or a father, he's a worthless sack of mud, a bog sucking you, your child, and your future down a hole.

Get rid of him and cut off all personal contact. Giving him access doesn't mean you need to have a personal conservation with him again. if you never do, it'll be better for your mental and physical health