Friends with benifits that needs to end but I dont want it to! HELP!

chargerman

Ok so a few years ago I moved to oz on a working visa, met an Irish lad in the same town and we became good mates, going to pub after work, going to watch matches etc. He had a girlfriend and I had a girlfriend as well. In the back of my mind, I always had this niggling thought that I was gay or at least bi. (but really didnt want to be)
Anyways, one day he asked to borrow my laptop so he could send out cv's. He went to my house and collected it. The feckin eejit I am never deleted the history (lets just say I had being looking at adult sites - gay& str8)
The sinking feeling when I realised this, I was thinking of every excuse I could as to why there would be gay sites in my history. When he dropped off my laptop he had a smile from ear to ear. He said before you think of an excuse, I use the same sites. We laughed a lot and both agreed that although we had gay thoughts from time to time we would never act on them as we were both from very small villages back home and would never have the courrage to act on feelings.
Anyway, to cut this longer than expected story short, we became involved with each other 2 or 3 times a week, started off just fooling around but then led to full on s€x. No strings was the deal, we both thought it was amazing. Anyways, the years have passed and we still do it.. We both have been seen different girls throughout the years and all was good until now. We are so so close its unreal.
I split with my gf before xmas, which is ok, i'm grand about that but my mate is in a more serious r'ship and proposed to his gf on Saturday night. I never thought I would feel this was but I am absolutely devastated. Its so strange because sincewe started this all those years ago , they have been the best years of my life, not because i'm with him on the side but the just in general.
Now that he's engaged, I feel this changes things. I feel its wrong to be with him - his poor gf but I dont want to give up what we got either. Now I wouldnt say I am gay, I have been with all girls besides him and love women to bits. I have no desire to be with any other guy and I dont want to see him exclusively either. Its gonna be such a hard decision to give up on what we have and I didnt talk to him about it either but now he is in a serious r'ship with marriage on the cards, I guess I have to do the right thing? Sorry for the long essay but any advice would be great.
Wow that feels good to get it off my chest!!

passremarkable

Pull out, no pun intended..seriously get out, let them at it...get back on the saddle with women

dave98

I'd have to agree with passremarkable - I think you do too. Nice story, but if you dont pull out, it will end in disaster for you or both of you and the girl.

baby and crumble

passremarkable wrote: »

Pull out, no pun intended..seriously get out, let them at it...get back on the saddle with women

WHilst I agree with most of your comment, the bit I have bolded isn't neccessarily the best advice.

OP, this guy is engaged to be married. There is no excuse for him cheating on his soon to be wife, nor is there much of an excuse for you to be enabling him to do so. It's not like 'it doesn't count' if it's with a guy.

ninty9er

Tell him that you feel it has to stop and put a bit of physical distance between the 2 of you if you feel it won't.

I feel for ya. Even if you've always been with women apart from him, you still have feelings for him, which are obviously now (not that they were for definite) going nowhere.

Men are much more complex than women give us credit for!

chargerman

Thanks guys, it's going to be so hard to do and even harder to put the physical distance between us. Like we literally talk to each other 7 days a week. We do everything together, go to the rugby or gaa, go to the pub , double dates. Its going to be a case of loosing / changing our friendship too

Locker10a

Ahh this resonates well with me and my heart goes out to you, I know what its like and how it feels,
You are unfortunately in a very difficult situation, and its is far easier for people to give you written advice on here, than it is to actually do something about this situation you find yourself in. I know how hard it is and how hard it will be, trust me I understand your pain.
What you cannot allow to happen is just let things continue as they currently are, I know you are good mates and all but you must stop sleeping with him. It wont be easy , especially if you have been with him for a long time, and i recommend cutting him out of your life and moving onward and upward but i understand this is not an option as ye are friends, and will have mutual friends etc.
So you just have to stop sleeping with him and make clear to him that ye can no longer continue as ye are now, and things have to change, If you don't do something now things are going to go down a path you do NOT want to go down, trust me.
Firstly you need to talk to him and tell him that yer physical relationship will have to end -NO EXCUSES! Regardless of what he says , He is getting married to a girl who thinks he loves her and only her and is committed to her, and that's the way it must stay.

mackD

Yes, you do have a moral obligation to do the right thing here.
If you don't nip this in the bud now, it will end in disaster and your friend's fiancé will be the poor innocent victim caught up in all this mess. I take it you are rather familiar with this woman and she probably trusts you considering you are a close friend of her husband-to-be. Think how shattered and humiliated she would feel if she found out the truth of what was going on?!
I just think your friend is in absolutely no position to be getting married right now when ye are still sleeping together on a regular basis. Ye need to have a heart-to-heart and see where ye are going. He can't be married and having his bit on the side at the same time. If that is his intention, maybe you are better off having nothing to do with him at all.

akaspike

This is going to end in tears...

Of course it changes things if he’s engaged. Going to try and cut this short.
I don’t know what his visa statues is over there, (is it the same as america?)

Seems that it’s ok to say the fact that your bi/gay and you understand that, and can deal with it. (wont go into it, but you mention - “would never have the courage to act on feelings” -” but I don't want to give up what we got either”) etc

I’m not trying to call you out, but you need to look at what you wrote as i think there is alot of feeling in your 1st statement, then you mention Gaa and Rugby and i could be wrong but it seems that you may have always had a feeling but due to your environment you were in, back home you may have been scared to mention it to anyone until you were found out. i.e returned laptop. And now on the other side of the world you can act on it.

Here’s the problem... The relationship that is forming between your friend and his girl friend.. is it a relationship? It’s not my business and it’s not yours where he is, but i think you might want to ask him where he’s at. Would he consider himself straight bi/gay? If he say’s he straight then, never.. date again. Hard to say but look at the other side, it’s his girlfriend, he may be ok about breaking a relationship, but are you? Put yourself in her shoes ( well not if there high heels) but it would hurt and hurt big. If your going to break a heart break one not two.

And remember, you can only run for so long until you do damage. I mean this in the best possibly way. Come out to yourself first, there’s no harm in that. It will ease your mind, then come out to the rest when your ready.

Sit down and talk it over, *seed plant * -if you enjoy each others company, whats stopping both of you’s getting together (Your both on the other side of the world now)

Only you know what to do.

floggg

You probably don't want a critical post right now, but I can't really help myself here.

The fact that he has been engaged doesn't change much at all - both before and after the ring went on her finger, what you were doing was wrong.

What you were doing to your girlfriend(s) was also wrong.

I don't know how it is that it's only when they got engaged that you realised that may be the case.

I know that trying to figure out your sexuality can be a head ****, and it can cause you to make a mistake. Those mistakes shouldn't last three years.

You need to end it right away, for yourself and for everybody else you can potentially hurt.

You also need to take some time to figure out your sexuality and what you want to do about it. It seems pretty clear you are at least bi.

You can if course choose not to act upon it, but you need to ask yourself is it worth it. And whether you will only end up back in a place where you are living a lie and hurting people.

Finally, the person I feel sorry for is the fiancé. I think she has a right to much better and right now it's her right to know about all this that I am more concerned about than anything else.

Davyhal

I had the exact same situation throughout my college years... I am now out as a gay man, he is now loved up with his gf of the last 3 and a half years. It was tough, but I got over it, and whilst we are nowhere near as close as we were, we are still good friends.... What did help our situation though is he did have to move to the opposite side of the country for work, so apart from Facebook etc, we only see each other every few months.

ongarboy

It's a rotten situation to be in alright as it can be bloody hard to control urges especially with someone who you are so close to but I believe you do have to end the hook ups with him. What happens when they get married and have children and his wife (and/or children find out then)? Things are only going to get more complicated and damaging to all concerned.

If you are such close mates with him in that cutting off contact completely would make a major impact on all your regular socialising/sports etc, then I suggest having a long hard conversation with him and say that the relationship has to be platonic from now on and get commitment from him on this. If he can't then you might need to look at choosing a new best (platonic) mate. He may very well move onto other guys to satisfy his itch but that is beyond your control and responsibility.

I suggest you also look a little closer on your own situation. If you claim not to be gay and just into girls for the most part, then I think you need to be honest and either date girls exclusively or else find a girl who is open to you experimenting with other open and available guys/girls. If you have a conscience (and your post shows that you do), the lies and sneaking around will eventually take it's toll and leave you worse off.

LegacyUser

I don't see what the panic is. Everyone's saying stop and don't do it, it'll end badly etc. But I don't think so, you're both bi. Both happy with being bi and both not repressing your sexuality. Being bi, you can never be monogamis without repressing one of other parts of your sexuality (which isn't a good thing to do, it will come out one way or another), and the same goes for him.

Free yourself from guilt and just enjoy what you have; you have it made.

BTW for context, I'm a bi man in 11 year relationship with another male, currently desperately repressing my straight side.... but it's hard! I was spent years in straight relationships repressing my gay side, but it always eventually came out. Same is happening the other way now (although I haven't acted on it).

chargerman

akaspike wrote: »

This is going to end in tears...

I don’t know what his visa statues is over there, (is it the same as america?)

Sorry I forgot to say we both moved back to Ireland in 2010, he's Irish, I'm Irish

chargerman

Thanks for all the replies and PM's and dont worry about being critical, I need it.I feel so quilty for what we have being doing, I actually feel ashamed.When we started this we were not hurting anyone and then time flew by. I never really thought about the out come before. Anyway, I have asked my mate to come over to mine tmor evening. I am going to have a talk with him and stop all the friends with benifits stuff, I don't know what way he will take it but I have to do it for me - dont want to be that guy that wrecks a r'ship.

Rick_

anotherbi wrote: »

I don't see what the panic is. Everyone's saying stop and don't do it, it'll end badly etc. But I don't think so, you're both bi. Both happy with being bi and both not repressing your sexuality. Being bi, you can never be monogamis without repressing one of other parts of your sexuality (which isn't a good thing to do, it will come out one way or another), and the same goes for him.

Free yourself from guilt and just enjoy what you have; you have it made.

What an idiotic post! You haven't even once considered the fact that the other guy is engaged and his fiancée knows nothing of hie husband-to-be's activities behind her back. Are you that a-moral that this wouldn't bother you and you'd happily cheat on your partner with someone else, purely on the basis that if you're careful enough they'll never know about it? Bi-sexual or not, everyone is capable of monogamy if they choose to, your post is frankly baffling and brings absolutely nothing to this issue.

LegacyUser

Paddy C wrote: »

What an idiotic post!

I think what you really mean is that you disagree with my post, which is fine, but calm down, there is no need to be insulting!

My opinion is that the OP should not be riddled with guilt, he didn't do anything wrong and the only wrong thing the friend did, was not be open with the girlfriend, which he should be. But we're all human, so don't be too quick to judge.

I'm in a successful open relationship, so don't have quite the same hangups on monogamy that you seem to have. In my humble opinion, with which you won't agree, monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic (you can look up the stats to see how successful monogamy is). Our unrealistic obsession with it, is simply a product of our oppression and collective brainwashing by the catholic church. We'll wise up in a generation or two. It's not natural!

chargerman

Thanks for replys guys

lazorgirl

anotherbi wrote: »

I think what you really mean is that you disagree with my post, which is fine, but calm down, there is no need to be insulting!

My opinion is that the OP should not be riddled with guilt, he didn't do anything wrong and the only wrong thing the friend did, was not be open with the girlfriend, which he should be. But we're all human, so don't be too quick to judge.

I'm in a successful open relationship, so don't have quite the same hangups on monogamy that you seem to have. In my humble opinion, with which you won't agree, monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic (you can look up the stats to see how successful monogamy is). Our unrealistic obsession with it, is simply a product of our oppression and collective brainwashing by the catholic church. We'll wise up in a generation or two. It's not natural!

In fairness anotherbi i think PaddyC has some valid pointers to OP. yes open relationships do work for some couples no more than mono gay / straight / bi relationships work for others. but to jump to a pretty wild viewpoint that open relationships are somehow superior, more successful and more "natural" than monogamous or other relationship structures is pretty much without any foundation.
i'm glad your own relationship is successful but surely all of us know that the dynamics and structures of all relationships are different but equally valid.

baby and crumble

anotherbi wrote: »

I think what you really mean is that you disagree with my post, which is fine, but calm down, there is no need to be insulting!

My opinion is that the OP should not be riddled with guilt, he didn't do anything wrong and the only wrong thing the friend did, was not be open with the girlfriend, which he should be. But we're all human, so don't be too quick to judge.

I'm in a successful open relationship, so don't have quite the same hangups on monogamy that you seem to have. In my humble opinion, with which you won't agree, monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic (you can look up the stats to see how successful monogamy is). Our unrealistic obsession with it, is simply a product of our oppression and collective brainwashing by the catholic church. We'll wise up in a generation or two. It's not natural!

That's cool you're in a successful open relationship- but it doesn't seem to me that the OP's friend is. Therefore, he IS being unfaithful to his partner. Which, by most standards, IS wrong. If theirs were an open relationship I'd agree with you to some extent.

Locker10a

anotherbi wrote: »

My opinion is that the OP should not be riddled with guilt, he didn't do anything wrong and the only wrong thing the friend did, was not be open with the girlfriend, which he should be. But we're all human, so don't be too quick to judge.

I'm in a successful open relationship, so don't have quite the same hangups on monogamy that you seem to have. In my humble opinion, with which you won't agree, monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic (you can look up the stats to see how successful monogamy is). Our unrealistic obsession with it, is simply a product of our oppression and collective brainwashing by the catholic church. We'll wise up in a generation or two. It's not natural!

Ya if you want an open relationship that's fine! But in this case its not an open relationship, and we never said what the OP did is wrong! What would be wrong however is to continue what the OP is doing knowing there is now an excited bride to be in the mix who is none the wiser as to the situation!
If she agrees to her husband having an open relationship and sleeping with another man(and some how i doubt she will agree) then fine but otherwise its cheating, it is an affair and it dosent matter what kind of sexual you are !





















Hope you chat with your mate goes well OP ! Stand your ground and make him understand and see why it cant go on.