My boyfriend thinks that I'm a bit dim...

buttonsyumyum

My boyfriend is a lovely guy. He is caring, generous and sweet. It's becoming clear however, that he thinks I'm not that bright.

I was with him yesterday and I was telling him that my driving test is coming up next week. I laughed and said I'll probably fail. He didn't reassure me though, instead he started telling me about how his friend Brian* is such a bad driver. I quote "He drives just like a woman". I thought that was an unfair statement but I didn't say anything. I felt that the comment was aimed at me.

Later his friend from college rang and they were talking about assignments for their course. When he got off the phone he said "You probably didn't understand any of that, did you?" I just told him that I wasn't listening to his conversation. (I wasn't just picked up the gist of it because we were in the confined space of the car.)

I notice that a lot of the time, he explains really simple, everyday things to me like I wouldn't be able to understand them myself or something. Eg. Simple things to do with the credit union or filling in forms.

I think all this might be because at the moment I have no choice but to be a stay at home single mother on benefits. ( Obviously this means I'm slow or something.) I'm going back to college to do a degree in September. He is always explaining to me how college works etc. even though I've been to college before and have completed to certificates already. This is his first year of proper university.

It's as if he thinks I'm not able to look after myself. I'm 23 ffs!

I'm getting really annoyed with this behavior! How do I deal with it??? Or am I just overreacting?

Toast4532

The next time he starts explaining something to you, or asks if you understand if (and if you do understand it) tell him straight out, you know what to do/what it means etc and you do understand.

My boyfriend sometimes starts explaining things to me, not in a condescending way or because he thinks I am dim, its just something he does without realising, a gentle "I know" lets him know that I know what he is talking about and don't need it explained.

Of course, if your boyfriend does think you are dim, do you really want to be in a relationship with him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks he has more intelligence than you?

Abi

You know the way you said 'oh I'll probably fail the driving test'? You're making negative comments about yourself, therefore you're reinforcing his behaviour.

Talk to him, and tell him the way he treats you is hurtful and youd rather be encouraged than put down all of the time.

There are a lot of single mums like yourself that are having to be at home for financial reasons, yet have execellent careers and education behind them.

Just don't ever put yourself down in front of him.

What makes you think you won't pass anyway?

December2012

Abi wrote: »

You know the way you said 'oh I'll probably fail the driving test'? You're making negative comments about yourself, therefore you're reinforcing his behaviour.

Talk to him, and tell him the way he treats you is hurtful and youd rather be encouraged than put down all of the time.

There are a lot of single mums like yourself that are having to be at home for financial reasons, yet have execellent careers and education behind them.

Just don't ever put yourself down in front of him.

What makes you think you won't pass anyway?

THIS. ^^^^^^

You demand more of him than of yourself. Even your comment about being a SAHM - why are you phrasing that negatively? Are you projecting your views? Or has he actually said it to you.

Don't insult yourself to get compliments. Just ask for reassurance honestly.

Why put yourself down? Stop it.

It's not ok to do this, lots of women do it and its unfair to ourselves.

buttonsyumyum

buttonsyumyum wrote: »

I quote "He drives just like a woman". I thought that was an unfair statement but I didn't say anything.

You should.

miamee

OP it sounds like you have not called him on any of this, contradicted him or shown to him that actually you know exactly what he is talking about. It's time to start saying something. It doesn't have to start an argument, just the next time he mentions something about college, make sure he knows how much of it you actually 'get'. Since it's first year, you probably 'get' it all anyway being a bit older, wiser and been to college before

ElleEm

Toast4532 wrote: »

The next time he starts explaining something to you, or asks if you understand if (and if you do understand it) tell him straight out, you know what to do/what it means etc and you do understand.

This!!!

I agree with Miamee, it seems like he is continuously saying all this stuff as he is not being corrected as it occurs. If he starts spouting on about how to fill out a form, tell him you've filled out forms before. If he starts telling you about college, explain that you have been and understand how it works, etc.

Don't dumb yourself down, or make negative statements about yourself looking for reassurance from him. It is not his role to reassure you, and you clearly get annoyed when he doesn't follow up with it.

Take responsibility for yourself in these conversations.
If he says something that you don't agree with/ appreciate, tell him!!

P. Breathnach

buttonsyumyum wrote: »

...
I was with him yesterday and I was telling him that my driving test is coming up next week. I laughed and said I'll probably fail. ...

You should be able to say things like that, whether it is because you believe them to be true or as good-humoured self-deprecation (I suspect from the way you write it here, it's a bit of each). I don't think that should be regarded as an invitation to patronise you generally; it should be normal chat.

I suspect that the problem is in your boyfriend, and not in you.

He might have an attitude to women straight out of the 1950s, believing that they need to be looked after and to have the big bad world explained to them, and that man's role is to meet those needs.

Another possibility is that he thinks that he is a page further on than you in the Big Book of Life, and is showing off to you. I am sure that you recognise the phenomenon of the person who knows that little bit more behaving like an expert: you meet that in lots of circumstances. It's not about you; it's about him. I don't mean that in a bad way. He might be trying to boost his own ego because, underneath it all, he may feel a bit inadequate.

What to do? Confront his behaviour gently but firmly. Tell him when he is trying to explain to you things that you already understand.

I expect that there are some cases when he does actually know stuff that might be useful to you. It would be silly to resent his telling you that. But get your own bit in: there is stuff that you know that he doesn't. Share that with him.

What I am trying to suggest is that you negotiate, through your behaviour, a more equal relationship.

buttonsyumyum

P. Breathnach wrote: »

You should be able to say things like that, whether it is because you believe them to be true or as good-humoured self-deprecation (I suspect from the way you write it here, it's a bit of each). I don't think that should be regarded as an invitation to patronise you generally; it should be normal chat.

I suspect that the problem is in your boyfriend, and not in you.

He might have an attitude to women straight out of the 1950s, believing that they need to be looked after and to have the big bad world explained to them, and that man's role is to meet those needs.

Another possibility is that he thinks that he is a page further on than you in the Big Book of Life, and is showing off to you. I am sure that you recognise the phenomenon of the person who knows that little bit more behaving like an expert: you meet that in lots of circumstances. It's not about you; it's about him. I don't mean that in a bad way. He might be trying to boost his own ego because, underneath it all, he may feel a bit inadequate.

What to do? Confront his behaviour gently but firmly. Tell him when he is trying to explain to you things that you already understand.

I expect that there are some cases when he does actually know stuff that might be useful to you. It would be silly to resent his telling you that. But get your own bit in: there is stuff that you know that he doesn't. Share that with him.

What I am trying to suggest is that you negotiate, through your behaviour, a more equal relationship.

Yes, this is kind of what it's like! The infuriating thing is although he is only 6 months younger than me, I have been through a lot more than him in life. I have plenty of life experience under my belt!

Roisy7

He sounds rather unconsciously sexist. The woman driving thing is something a lot of men say unconsciously, or even for devilment, including my dad. I remember watching a car crawl around a roundabout one day and Dad saying "come on Missus" only for the other car to get closer to reveal a motorist with a luxuriant, Santa-like beard

Call him out on those things. He should have a bit more cop on then to say things like that you. Driving tests are fecking nerve-wracking enough without your boyfriend agreeing that you'll fail.

Don't let yourself be infantilised by this guy. Agree with all the above posters, you should be able to disagree with your boyfriend and gently point out that you can function in society without his help.

Good luck in the driving test

December2012

So she can joke about her own driving ability but he can't crack a cliched joke?

buttonsyumyum

December2012 wrote: »

So she can joke about her own driving ability but he can't crack a cliched joke?

He wasn't cracking a joke. He went on for about ten minutes afterwards about how women take longer to learn how to drive than men and they are not as natural at it blah blah blah. All I said was "that's a bit sexist isn't it?" I din't get into a discussion about as I was concentrating on my driving.

December2012

Well that's different.

How are things now a few days since you posted first?

buttonsyumyum

December2012 wrote: »

Well that's different.

How are things now a few days since you posted first?

I haven't seen him since as he is away during the week for college.

I had a boyfriend before who used to treat me a bit like this (but way worse) because he felt that women were beneath him.
My current boyfriend is different though. He is very nice but I think he feels as though he needs to look after me because he's a "big strong man" and I'm just a "simple little girl."

I don't know why but but I get this vibe from him!

December2012

How is your confidence?

sffc

Think you are mis-judging what going on here OP . Rather than simply thinking you are dim he thinks he has to be the big clever one in every situation . His first concern is to build himself up rather than put anyone down . I'm not mininising it, just exploring it . I'm also mystified as to how you can say "he is caring' genorous and sweet " - empathy isn't his strong point .There's a dollop of sexism there too just to make things even more annoying . Some would call him a know-it-all ,some would talk about "small man syndrome " but he is displaying the signs .

You ask "are you over-reacting ?" . Absolutley not - while it's unrealistic to expect a partner to be flawless, repeated behaviour and comments which you find hurtful and sap your confidence are a big deal . This is not what a relationship should be about .Your partner should give you confidence and support - not drain it and leave you seeking it from others !

You ask "how can you deal with it ?" . Experince tells me that behaviours such as your BF's are very deeply ingrained . Genetics and backround take years to form our personalities and overnight cures are impossible . You could deal with it by giving him his marching orders but I sense you want to try at least . You need to be blunt with him - sit him down and tell him EXACTLY what he's saying thats so wrong . Tell him exactly why it's wrong . Tell him if it doesn't stop you will finish the relationship . DO NOT HINT . Most men are brutal at hints but this guy is garanteed to be unhintable . Set a time period IN YOUR HEAD - don't tell him this ! During the period don't challenge the behaviour if it reoccurs - you can't live your life that way .At the end of the period you have a choice .If there's no real progress - walk .