surviving childhood abuse and managing relationships when an adult

LegacyUser

As thread says, was abused when I was small, went for counselling and feel like I have a reasonably good life now. I'm 25, female. Before I suffered with crippling depression, anxiety and everything else that comes with it.
I have friends, a job, I'm going to go back into education, I have plans for the future, so there's really one last hurdle in all of this that is bothering me. I am unable at the moment to go near men, cannot trust them, cannot have any sort of intimacy, emotional or otherwise. I do not have straight male friends, I feel so awkward around them, I freeze up emotionally, I close off, cannot even think about approaching someone I'm attracted to on a night out. I think I hide this quite well, which is good, but I feel extremely vulnerable around straight men a lot of the time. I don't want to be like this, I would like to be able to have relationships and friendships with men.
My friends are moving along with their lives, getting boyfriends, having a laugh, going on dates, and I feel like I am just stuck. It is unfortunately down to the abuse, and how I feel about boundaries, intimacy etc. Does anyone have any advice, similar experiences? What did they do? How did they get past it? Help please. Thanks

LegacyUser

any kind of childhood trauma can have long lasting effects on our adult relationships, especially the kind of trauma you experienced, op. i'm so sorry that happened to you, and i applaud your wanting to deal with it.

there's a councelling service directly related to adults who have suffered abuse as children and i really think it would be beneficial for you, the national councelling service. there should be a link to it in the sticky post at the top of this forum (i'm not sure if i'm allowed link to it here?) i have found it brilliant so far. it deals with all of those things you talk about, boundaries, intimacy etc., and recognising that we may be a product of our experiences, but we don't have to be ruled by them forever.

give it a go, and good luck on your journey, you sound like you have the determination and strength to get where you want to be, and that's half of it. x

afterglow

anonfornow wrote: »

As thread says, was abused when I was small, went for counselling and feel like I have a reasonably good life now. I'm 25, female. Before I suffered with crippling depression, anxiety and everything else that comes with it.
I have friends, a job, I'm going to go back into education, I have plans for the future, so there's really one last hurdle in all of this that is bothering me. I am unable at the moment to go near men, cannot trust them, cannot have any sort of intimacy, emotional or otherwise. I do not have straight male friends, I feel so awkward around them, I freeze up emotionally, I close off, cannot even think about approaching someone I'm attracted to on a night out. I think I hide this quite well, which is good, but I feel extremely vulnerable around straight men a lot of the time. I don't want to be like this, I would like to be able to have relationships and friendships with men.
My friends are moving along with their lives, getting boyfriends, having a laugh, going on dates, and I feel like I am just stuck. It is unfortunately down to the abuse, and how I feel about boundaries, intimacy etc. Does anyone have any advice, similar experiences? What did they do? How did they get past it? Help please. Thanks[/Quote)
Hi there anonfornow
Firstly, I am sorry for what happened to you, but it is really cool that you are getting on with your life, and go you for that! Don't mean that in a condescending way btw
my situation is not the same as yours, but I will explain in hopes that it will help.
I grew up in a home where there was domestic abuse. I could not do anything about it because I cannot see, and as a result it was my younger sister who ended up doing a lot of the standing between my parents during arguments, which has now brought it's own set of problems for her, but anyway I digress...
because of not being able to see what was going on in the arguments and only being able to hear raised voices and physical violence sometimes, I developed, unconsciously, a fear of men. To this day I cannot handle confrontation, especially with men, I think that I worry, even though I know it is irrational that it will turn to violence. Now, when I met my now partner of 4 years, who is wonderful and supportive, I did not then know about this unconscious fear that I had. I will not go into any detail here, just to say that because of experiencing the violence when I was a child I ended up with a condition that meant that physical intimacy was impossible for a time and needed therapy and patience, to fix. I was extremely lucky that my partner stuck with me through everything. My method in telling you this story is to make you see that no matter how difficult things seem now, it will, and can, get better. If I can overcome what I did which I thought was impossible at the time, so can you. <Mod Snip> ask any questions, and I wish you the very very very best of luck in overcoming obsticles that you face right now, and leading a happy life. Believe me, it's possible!
Really hope this helps and sorry for the length of the post

beks101

You poor pet. I'm so sorry for what you've been through hun, and I think your reaction is normal given your history of abuse.

First of all, I would say it's important to treat yourself with compassion and kindness, as you would a close friend who had been through the same thing. What you're doing now is trying to protect yourself in a way that you couldn't do when you were younger, and although it's a skewed way of trying to feel safe, it's got a very strong and powerful motive behind it. Be patient with yourself. You deserve to feel protected and loved, and you didn't deserve what happened to you in the past.

I think it would be important for you to deal with your boundary and intimacy issues with a good counsellor that you trust. If you can start to verbalize these unconscious fears and hang ups that you have with men, you will begin to make sense of things and see that giving all men a wide berth and shying away from them all for the rest of your life isn't the answer. You've obviously come a long way already, and this is something that you WILL overcome with a bit more consistent work on yourself.

Would you be willing to back to your old counsellor or do you think it would be worth your while seeking out someone new?

LegacyUser

Hi, op here, thank you to you all for taking the time to reply to me, it really means a lot, and it helps put things into perspective that everyone has their struggles to figure out, I'll probably go back to counselling and that will help move things along. Thank you again for your words of kindness, and advice.

Kevster

Hi OP, I just really wanted to give a quick reply: I also suffered abuse many many years ago and things really hit me hard when I was around 24/25. However, I'm 30 later this month and everything has come back together slowly.

Just make baby steps in the right direction... even one small step in the right direction can alter the entire course of your life.

Best wishes and good luck
Kevin

skyfall2012

Hi OP, I didn't suffer abuse, but did grow up in a dysfunctional family. Had a lot of emotional issues. So I want to try and ease your anxiety about men if I can, by telling you that I have a husband who is an amazing person, my brother-in-law (married to my sister) I would trust with my life, my-father-in-law another amazing man. So what I am trying to say based on my experience, is there are so many fantastic, caring men out there that you can trust and who would treat you the way you deserve.

Fiona the women who was on the TV recently about the sentencing of her father, was on the 'Late Late Show' and she spoke about what an amazing man her husband is, she had a wonderful supportive family surrounding her.

I met my husband, when I least expected it, meaning that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend at the time, I met him through friends and we just clicked:)

I am sure you will find the right person for you OP. I wish you the best of luck.