HIV+ and telling new boyfriends...

LegacyUser

hi all,

I was diagnosed with hiv two years ago and its taken me a while to come to terms with it. Im ready once again to start dating guys. my problem is the fear of rejection from a guy once i tell him i have hiv. i have lots to offer and hiv is really a very small detail in my life. im on meds and doing really well with the virus undectable so i dont pose a great risk (obiviously not risk free). my question is whether i should be up front and tell people im hiv or give it some time and go on a few dates with someone before telling them.

can i get some opinions on say if for example you were the guy i was dating. when you would like to be told - up front on first date or only at the point that things started to actually progress into something??

likewise id like to hear from other hiv+ lads on their experiences of being up front vs waiting some time to tell people.

thanks in advance

Annasopra

I think up front on first date or maybe second or third date

ewan whose army

Its something you have to be frank and honest about before any form of intimacy.

If my boyfriend told me he was HIV+ I wouldn't leave him, I would thank him for his honesty and just ensure that we are 110% safe.

KDII

Hypothetically, I wouldn't let HIV get in the way of a relationship that had potential. I would imagine I'd feel pretty betrayed if it wasn't disclosed to me early on though.

Well done for doing so well though. Despite the amazing treatments we have now, a diagnosis of anything long-term is really hard to deal with. It's great that you're in such a good place!

akaspike

It’s going to be hard, but definitely be up front about it. Work on honesty from the get go, it should pave the path for the future. I think kissing would be fine, but anything after that, then a talk would need to be had. Maybe have some information by hand to help your partner understand a little more, as it would help him/her decide if they were ok with it. Don’t forget about online dating site’s with HIV+ rooms.

A friend of a friend is in a long term HIV+ relationship 10 years+, from what i hear he seems to be completely healthy and his wife (HIV-) have a lovely relationship, so there’s nothing to stop you enjoying yourself and finding the right partner.

manic mailman

It shouldn't be the be all and end all and come between two people if things progress but I'd definitely subscribe to the opinion that if you're not being open and honest to your partner about it fairly quick then the relationship as a whole will ultimately suffer.

Can't give you any advise on how to tell the news however....good luck!

mattjack

I think agencies like the Dublin Aids Alliance offer support services and may be able to offer you a little advice.

Royal Irish

My advice would be when you find a guy, date him a couple of times to get to know him to see if he is not just the type of person for you, but also the type of person you would want to tell that you are hiv+.

JH_raheny

Being straight up front might be like putting an elephant in the room, maybe give it a couple of dates and you should kinda know in yourself when it is time, but defo before any more that kissing and hugging

Davyhal

Personally, I think that if someone told me that they were HIV+ on the first date, in spite of myself, it would scare me off. It would be all that I would see. However, if I were told on the third or fourth date (before spending the night together of course), I think I would be more open to the idea of continuing seeing them. I would know more about the person and would see more than just the HIV+ status.

Peregrinus

I think what it comes down to is, if you're HIV+, you can't have casual sex (or near-sex) - at least, not safely and ethically. Ethically, you need to disclose your status to your partner before doing anything which carries any risk of infection (or which (s)he might think carries any risk of infection). And, for your own emotional safety, you won't want to disclose until you know your partner well enough to be satisfied that they are a person whom you can trust with this disclosure.

Whether any of this cramps your style or not depends, of course, on how much you're drawn to casual sex.