Love my hubby, but have a crush on another man

LegacyUser

Hi,
I just need advise, maybe someone else has been in the same situation.
I live with my husband and our children. Good marriage and we have our ups and downs as everybody else, but generally happy
A new guy started at my work about a year ago. We have slowly started talking more and more and we just click on so many levels and get on so well. I just realised I have a huge crush on him! I can't wait to see him at work and keep thinking of him when I am not.
I still love my husband, I have no desire to leave him whatsoever, which is I find this crush so very hard!
Has anyone been in the same situation, do you just wait for it to pass?

Thanks!

Lorna123

Yes, we have all been there. We are all human. Constantly feel attracted to other people but would never act on it because far away hills are greener !

jdsk2006

This is simple. you love your hubby, love your family unit and generally content and happy with your lot.....

so you need to stop nurturing this crush before you are in too deep. imo this won't pass until you "cut" him out of your day so to speak.

Queen-Mise

It is a crush. We all have them at one time or another.

I would be wary though of taking it that step too far - emotional adultery is still adultery. having a strong emotional connection would not be good.

Enjoy his looks etc, etc. - but don't become too involved emotionally and definitely not physically :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Thanks for your input, appreciate it!
It's not so much a physical attraction, I am just really attracted to his personality, he is such a nice guy!
I just really hope this sillyness will die out and that he becomes a good friend, but until then I will take your advise and try to "avoid" him a bit to stop this crush.
He has not said that he fancies me in any way, just that he really likes me and that he considers me a good friend. That is really what I hope we can be, good friends, as they don't come along that often.

jdsk2006

Get a grip on yourself. You can't be friends with your crush END OF. Reading your last post made me so mad and you sound like your totally deluded.

He said he likes you and considers you a good friend.......
You have just embarked on an emotional affair and mark my words here cos in no time at all you will be comparing your hubby to this crush and before you know it you will have decided your "unhappy" in your marraige.

Pull yourself together before your husband gets a whiff of it, my bets are you will leak it in some shape or form

fits

^ sorry but that's bollocks. An awful lot of great friendships start with a crush on one end or the other. You just need to exert some self control OP. You love your husband and the crush will pass.

ananas

My god "embarking on an emotional affair". If you even dare talk to another man, you're embarking in an affair of some sort. The attitude that you cannot even glance sideways at another man or god forbid have a silly crush on someone without being made feel like a big cheat.

To be honest, if you feel like you are at risk of developing a proper infatuation with this guy, you need to stop contacting him as much and put it out of your mind. When you're with someone for so long, it's natural to get fleeting crushes. You will see that it will pass and you'll have forgotten all about it!

Taltos

jdsk2006, while we appreciate your advice and opinion please try to dial it back a small bit. We understand that this can be an emotive topic but per our charter and site faq we have to try to stay civil and constructive.

Thanks
Taltos

DeltaWhite

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Get a grip on yourself. You can't be friends with your crush END OF. Reading your last post made me so mad and you sound like your totally deluded.

He said he likes you and considers you a good friend.......
You have just embarked on an emotional affair and mark my words here cos in no time at all you will be comparing your hubby to this crush and before you know it you will have decided your "unhappy" in your marraige.

Pull yourself together before your husband gets a whiff of it, my bets are you will leak it in some shape or form

Bit harsh??? OP don't worry yourself, don't make a big deal of it and then it won't become a big deal! As long as you stay JUST friends you will be fine But in all honesty, you may have to distance yourself from this guy, unless you can keep your feelings in check (which I doubt is possible)

im confused again

Everybody is different and behaves in different ways. Some people are very disciplined and no matter what situation they find themselves in will never betray their spouse. Some people are weak and let situatuions like this spiral out of control and then regret what has happened. All we need to do is look around us, we all know people that have broken marriages. The pressure on couples nowadays is huge, living through these pressures with your spouse can certainly dampen the spark in any relationship. But you are doing well, you are mostly happy in your marriage and that actually means that you are doing extremely well.

Some people let these situations run out of control and then before you know it things have gone too far and the marriage is breaking up. This is devastating for the cheated spouse and the kids. The spouse will get over it in time but the kids may never get over it, speaking from experience.

Depending on what type of person you are you need to tread very carefully and if you are not confident in your self control then I would suggest backing off from this man until yor crush dampens, and it will dampen. You will then wonder what the hell you were thinking.

The interaction that you have with this man is filling a need in your life. See if you can change something in your life so that your husband fills this need.

Katy89

OP, I understand, it's not that easy to 'cut out all feelings' at once. for some it might, but normally not, especially if you see this guy everyday at work.

but surely, the best you can do, if you don't want to risk any trouble in your marriage, is to not focus on this guy.
don't listen to your heart at this thing. maybe you can manage to keep on a friendly base with him, it should work because from what you're telling in your last post he doesn't fancy you and sees you as a friend. that makes it much easier.

if you think you can't get out of having this crush on him and feelings get deeper, is there a chance you can switch places in work so you're not in contact with him that much anymore, i.e. you don't have to 'physically' see him? that would help a lot as well.

jdsk2006

Ihaveacrush I do need to apologise to you for being so forceful and direct in my earlier post......its one of my flaws - especially on topics like this. This is an emotive topic and one iv had more experience with than i like and unfortunately iv seen the utter carnage left in the wake of a "simple crush" taken too far. Imconfusedagain hit the nail on the head there for you and is the best advice given here.

ShowMeTheCash

OP I think you need to try and be empathetic also, if you thought your husband could not wait to get out the door to have lunch with some female co-worker he had a crush on, how would it make you feel?

The "Hey baby it's just a crush, I may be thinking about her all the time but I would not actually do anything....." I am sure would make you feel so much better.

All people are different, to some degree, but regardless of someone's resolve I am of the opinion we are all human, we can all do things we never thought possible and make bad choices.
I tend to try and side with the "not getting myself into situations that could lead to something bad!!"

Someone new is always exciting, its new!
I work with a number of people I find attractive and enjoy conversation with.
But I love my girlfriend, I would not entertain scenarios that I think would upset her or peruse situations to get closer to a female I could potentially develop feelings for.
I would suggest maybe thinking of ways to make your marriage better, re-lighting the flame in your current relationship instead of entertaining fantasy's of the new guy!

December2012

^^^^ this.

Would you like your husband to have a female friend that he felt about this way?

I think you are playing with fire.

You have more than a crush, you want this man in your life.

Maybe reconsider why you are getting so much out of this.

LegacyUser

First of all, THANK YOU all for your replies! I really appreciate you taken your time. Harsh ones or not, all appreciated.

After reading them all I did have a good think about it all and I have realised what it is that is missing in my relationship with my husband and in my life, which is making me so drawn to this co-worker. My husband and I never talk anymore, no conversations at the dinner table or later or in bed or whatever. Not even about small everyday things. Only the nessecary. The second thing is that I do not live near friends and family, so I do miss a close friend nearby as well. This co-worker is giving me both, someone to talk to and a friend. I think that is why I said I hoped to keep him as a friend.

But yes thinking the other way around, I would not be too pleased if my husband spent a lot of time talking to someone that he might have a crush on. I do trust him and he can trust me as well. Attraction to this co-worker or not, I would never dream of cheating on my husband. I do feel that this crush is big enough, so I will take all the action I can to cut him out of my life again, even though it will be sad to lose such a nice person as a friend.

But as said.. I do love my husband! I will have to try and work on the conversation with him instead. Its really him I wish I was talking to!

Thanks again all!

December2012

Hey you're not the first person to go through this, and you won't be the last.

Good luck with your husband and also with finding friends.

fog arty

I do not think being a good friend with this man is such a good idea. It will all end in tears if you continue with this friendship.

Kidchameleon

Ihaveacrush wrote: »

so I will take all the action I can to cut him out of my life again,

Really? Doesn't seem fair on him. He is only being a good friend to you. You have identified what is wrong with your relationship and its got nothing to do with him!