Unstable friend and pregnancy

LegacyUser

Having a bit of an issue here.

I am 27 recently married and my husband and i have just found out we are pregnant.

I am starting to worry however about the reaction of a friend Jane to this news. Jane is married 3 years and unsucessfully tried to get pregnant for a year after her wedding, they were both tested nothing was wrong etc and the doc put it down to her weight, he said the weight was not helping and if she shifted it shed concieve, She wouldnt believe it and went to 3 other docs and all told her the same thing. I know this because her husband told me.

So instead of telling her girlfriends this and trying to lose some weight she made up that she cant get pregnant because both her tubes are bent in half but that it will fix itself so she doesnt need surgery.

So fast forward to a year later and a girl in our group falls pregnant, and Jane takes it oddly, First she starts making weird jokes about kidnapping the kid etc, starts to ramble away to herself about what her kids will have etc (I mean in the middle of us having coffee in a cafe she would just start talking to herself)

Later into the pregnancy she started getting v snappy and saying inappriote things like
"Oh the baby isint ur bfs ha ha"(yelling this out in a shop kinda thing) and my friend got v annoyed with her. A row started and By the time the baby was born they were not talking and to this day they still arent. I was invited to the christning and Jane said to me that I shouldnt go and that me and her should go out and get pissed and celebrate not having "Brats". I declined and went to christning much to her annoyance.

Now a year down the line Jane wont associate with anyone who has kids,
2 more of our friends had kids and she went like that on them too and they dont talk.
She got very clingy to me after this and claimed I was her only proper friend because i didnt "Abandon her".

I dont want to hurt her but TBH shes not the woman i became friends with 9 years ago,
she is so bitter and angry and drinks a lot now and wont accept the hand shes been dealt.
Shes refused councelling because she claims her "tubes are healing" when we all know tubes cant bend back on their own.

My sister in law had her womb removed from cancer last year at 29 and at the wedding Jane told her she didnt know how lucky she was not having a womb and My SIL was in tears. She has dealt with it but Jane was so blunt and cruel about it she got upset. My husband called Jane a physco and told her to stay away from him

She then text me on my honeymoon saying she was pregnant, but it turns out she was lying to see "if id be happy for her", I gave her a bollucking for it and told her not to be so childish. She text back this long text saying i was her only friend and i was childless too so i understood her pain etc

So now I am faced with this dilemma- I am 10 few weeks gone so its going to be news soon. But what this is going to do to her mental state i dont know. My husband is really angry about this in regards to me worrying about it and thinks we should bite the bullet and tell her.

I had a word with her husband about her behaviour at the wedding and he sighed and said
"I really dont care anymore" so hes going to be no help.

I think she unstable as it is, I dont know how she will react to this

CaraMay

Op you are very good to think of your friend but your husband is right that you cant spend your time worrying about her and her reaction. She will just have to deal with it. Put up with no guff from her and dont apologise for being pregnant whatever you do.

Tell her when you are telling everyone else and if she gets antsy tell her you will talk to her when she is in better form. You need to mind yourself and stress is no good for you or baby.

BTW congrats!!!

You're pregnant - that's brilliant! If your friend can't muster the will to force a smile for you, regardless of how she's feeling, then she's no friend at all.

Don't encourage her behaviour, it's healthier for her if she realises that she's acting in a way that's unacceptable.

LegacyUser

There's no "dilemma" here. You are pregnant, congratulations, and this could be a fantastic opportunity to shed yourself of this waste of space. This woman is toxic and you will be better off not having anything to do with her.

DeltaWhite

Congratulations!


She was told to lose the weight which may be hard for some people but she straight up refused to do it - her problem not yours.

I understand you are friends but as you said OP she is not the same woman you were friends with all those years ago...

Tell her.. and should you receive a cruel reaction from her - cut her out asap. You do not need it, you have been very good to her sticking by her when all your friends cut her out. You can do without the stress of her problems on your plate.

Chara1001

Oh my god that sounds awful,

firstly big congratulations:)
D'ya know... i think you will find yourself putting it in perspective very soon.

I had an unplanned pregnancy when things around me were falling apart, but things that weren't directly affecting me or the baby just washed over me, my focus was entirely on the two of us, as it should have been.

I think you'll probably find the same, i reckon something kicks in for you to weed out the worries that don't concern you or your little (soon to be) family unit. You can't worry about your friend, from the sounds of it, she's not going to be much good for you from now on. If her reaction is bad, and its likely to be, do not- under any circumstances- allow her to say inappropriate things to you about your pregnancy- whether it's accusing you of 'leaving her', or saying derogatory things about your little one- brat?!!! WTF?

My advice is for when you tell her, let her know that you will not accept ANY grief about it or she can go and find new friends to lose when they get pregnant.
What she has said is appalling, you say yourself she's not the same person she was 9 yrs ago, listen, you didn't sign up for this kind of 'friendship', so what if you've known her 9 years? Doesn't give her the right to speak to you all like this. Yes she has serious issues, but they're HERS.

''If you didn't break it, it's not for you to fix''

Merkin

A big congrats on your great news, you must be very excited.

I think this is quite simple really. Your priorities right now lie with the baby growing inside you and your husband. This woman's psychiatric issues are her own problems to contend with and I actually wouldn't go telling her at all until you're after your 20-week scan. I only say that because she is liable to go postal if her past (disgusting) behaviour is anything to go by and you don't need any unnecessary aggravation or upset. Then when you tell her let her react how she wants. If she behaves in the same vile fashion as she has to every other one of her friends I'd cut her out of your life sharpish, you don't need to surround yourself with toxic people at a happy time.

LegacyUser

OP HERE.
thank you for all the replies and thank you for your congratulations.

@ Merkin, i dont think waiting until the 20 week scans going to be possible, im a pretty slim girl stomach wise and i already have a small little bump.Besudes we dont want to hide our baby for another 10 weeks

As you can prob all tell my orginal post was done at 4am with me starring at the ceiling in bed for hours before worrying.Needed to talk about it.

Today my husband has called me from work and told me that he has asked Jane and her husband over laster and that we are telling her... oh god oh god oh god

CaraMay

OP you need your sleep so do not stay awake stressing about this woman. Remember stress causes hormones that the body doesnt like and especially when you are pregnant. Forget about her and think about your bump instead

Big Bag of Chips

Do you like her?

If you like her, then you need to talk to her. Tell her the reason she is losing friends is because of her appalling behaviour, and point out to her it only seems to happen when people get pregnant.

THEN tell her you're pregnant, and tell her you hope your friendship doesn't go the way of everyone else's.

If you don't like her, I wouldn't even bother!

This is supposed to be such a happy time - you shouldn't be worried about telling people - you should be excited and bursting to tell everyone. Her behaviour is actually taking the goodness out of one of the most precious experiences of your life.

I agree with Chara1001 - pretty soon your priorities will shift, and you will find yourself having less and less time for other people and their dramas.

eviltwin

I remember you posting about this girl before, if she hasn't changed by now probably she's not going to. I agree with the others, you need to cut her out of your life, you have other priorites and you don't need a happy time ruined by one toxic individual. I feel sorry for her but thats no excuse for being nasty, those comments are just completely out of order. I appreciate you are concerned but you have a life to live, you can't shield her from babies etc and it might be the wake up call she needs to address her issues and change. Congrats on the baby news x

The Reamer

I wouldn't entertain her. All she's looking for is attention. Don't rise to it.

Anyway if she really wanted to get pregnant, she'd shift the weight instead of going with this bent tubes crap.

You might set her straight by giving her a frank bollocking about the way she's behaving.

If she takes it badly, well TBH she's probably not even worth the effort.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately your friend needs to accept her situation. Guilting everyone isn't fair. Your friend is unhappy. You can't make her happy and even if you could that's not your responsibility. You have such bigger priorities. You need to put yourself first. Allow yourself to enjoy every moment of the experience. If your friend can't be happy for you and 'share' in your happiness than you need to step away and look after yourself. Even if you weren't pregnant your friend would probably continue to have anger built up in her. Your friend has a lot of growing up to do. It's not easy not being able to have children but she seems to have a lot of growing up to do.

As emphasised by everyone, just step away for a while if it is going to cause you any stress, don't regret that decision, it would be a bigger regret if you realised too late that you should've stepped back.

ManOfMystery

It's a little sad that you even have consider hiding this news from a so-called 'friend', for fear of what her reaction will be. This is meant to be one of the happiest occasions of your life and should be shared with all friends and family.

Whilst I have a little tiny bit of sympathy for this woman's inability (seemingly) to conceive naturally, as I would for anyone who has that issue, it really does not excuse in any way her absolutely disgusting remarks and treatment of other friends who have got pregnant. If she was as bothered about it as her remarks suggest, she should shift some weight and stop taking her frustrations out on everyone else.

It's hard to see what this 'friend' actually brings to you in terms of positivity, so why still bother with her?

dechol, please read the forum charter before posting. Asking for updates is not ok
thanks

dollypet

Congrats on the Baby Op!!!!

Best of luck with telling her. Its a good idea that both Hubbies are there too. Yours for support and her's
A. to support her
B. to maybe now be able to "care" about her behaviour.

Also dont be worried about it. She could pick up on that as some sort of weakness.

LegacyUser

Yesterday was a horrible horrible day.

They came over and oh it was awful.I blame my husband because he was pretty cruel about the whole thing to her, and I know it was pent up anger and the situation at the wedding didnt help.

I said i needed to have a word with her, I asked how she was feeling etc and started explainig that i was concerned how she treated pregnant friends in the past.She started to get adgitated and saying "No I havnt they treated me like crap- wheres this going".

Then my husband just stands up and goes "Oh FFS SHES PREGNANT" He then went on a big rant saying that she was a freak and she had pushed away all her friends and that i was the only one who thought there was any good in her, said her behiviour to his sister was discracful and that he was not allowing her to make me feel bad over being pregnant and that it was a joke that we had to call her to tell her in private in case she went nuts at me.

Ohhhh god remembering it a fresh wave of horror has just washed over me.

She just got up and walked out, said nothing just went - and her husband just went "Great now ive to listen to her" and followed her out. He doesnt seem to give a crap about her anymore.

I have heard nothing from her since.I dont know what to do in this situation, Im pretty mad at my husband atm

tinkerbell

Oh for god sake's OP, you should not be mad at your husband. He is completely in the right. The person you should be mad at is this so-called-friend of yours. She's a total trollop who doesn't give a crap about anyone, is a nasty cow and even her own husband can't stand her. You should have cut her out of your life long ago, what she said to your sister-in-law was disgusting - that's when you should have told her to get out of your life. The fact that you didn't do this sooner and stand up to her is probably the reason why your husband has just finally had enough of her vile ways and was not gonna allow someone upset his wife who is now pregnant.

Now, chin up, enjoy your pregnancy and never speak to that woman again. Life's too short to waste it on wasters like her who do not make you feel good about yourself.

Taltos

OP - for what it's worth I am 100% with your husband on this.
Some things you cannot dance about, you have to address head on. I mean look at this woman's husband - like you he is just enabling her, clearly that is not working.

Per the poster above - put all of this out of your mind and be thankful that your husband took the initiative here and addressed this head on. Hopefully someone speaking so bluntly to her might encourage her to seek help, though I doubt it.

ElleEm

OP, I can understand why you feel angry with your husband. He created a drama in a situation where additional drama certainly wasn't needed. He is obviously very annoyed with her himself, and it came out in how he spoke to her.

I can imagine he is angry with her because of the stress this "friend" is causing you. This is supposed to be a happy time for you, and you are obviously a very caring person, cos all your energy is going in to worrying about this girl.

Take a step back from the situation and look at WHY he spoke the way he did, it was for you. She has hurt friends, his sister and has you treading on egg shells. He clearly loves you and wants you to be protected from her.

I know it's easy for a load of strangers on the internet to say "dump her", but the picture that has been painted is not one of a supportive, loving, fun friend. You have no obligation towards her because you've been friends for so long, or cos you understand her problems. She is mean, spiteful and selfish. It sounds like your life would be a much happier place if she wasn't in it. Think about it- would you miss her if she wasn't in your life anymore?

emuhead

ElleEm wrote: »

Take a step back from the situation and look at WHY he spoke the way he did, it was for you. She has hurt friends, his sister and has you treading on egg shells. He clearly loves you and wants you to be protected from her.

+1
Your husband's priority is your well being and he was trying to protect you. You sound like a lovely person but from the outside it looks like this person is no good for you. What advice would you give someone else in your situation? Be kind to yourself and drop this person who is draining your energy.

Btw congratulations on the baby

Stavro Mueller

I'm another person who is delighted that your husband grabbed the bull by the horns here. He did not tell one word of a lie here and I'm glad someone had the balls to tell her some long overdue home truths. Taltos hit the nail on the head when he used the word "enabling". Because nobody has had the guts to tackle this girl, she has been behaving in a totally unacceptable manner for far too long. Even having to go to such lengths to tell her that you're pregnant goes to show how dysfunctional things have become.

Perhaps your hubby was a bit harsh but I don't blame him one bit. I've just read again your description of what happened after your husband's sister had her womb removed.

Jane told her she didn't know how lucky she was not having a womb and My SIL was in tears. She has dealt with it but Jane was so blunt and cruel about it she got upset.

Have you thought at all about how your husband must've felt as you continued to stay friends with someone who had been this cruel to his sister? If she had done it to your sister, would you have felt as charitable towards her as you've been to date?

Big Bag of Chips

Why are you mad at your husband?

Think about it? By being mad at him you are putting her feelings ahead of his. You are saying that it is ok for her to upset you, him, his sister, your friends, but it's not ok for her to be upset.

She has brought all this on herself.

Your husband may have been harsh.. but has he been any harsher than her? You should not be "afraid" to tell anyone you and your husband are having a baby. That's ridiculous! It's the happiest announcement any newly married couple can ever make.

What is it about her, that you think you need to shut up and put up with?

You are not her keeper, you are not her minder. She is causing problems for herself. The only kind thing you can do for her is point out how her behaviour is affecting all those around her. By tip toeing around and pretending you are ok with everything she does/says, you are as others have said "enabling" her, and really, that is not doing her any favours.

If you want to enable her disgusting behaviour that is your business... but you need to understand, your husband doesn't have to!

Merkin

You know what? At least this woman will have gotten the message this time. It sounds like way too many people have been pussyfooting around this weapon for far too long. Your husband's delivery may not have been the best but it was coming from a good place - love, loyalty and concern for you and your baby. He should be applauded, don't let this woman cause yet more tension and upset. She is simply not worth it.

I also wouldn't go contacting her. No way. Her appalling behaviour has been facilitated for far too long and you will simply undo your husband's message by contacting her to apologise or explain.

If she's a true friend with an ounce of decency she will be delighted for you. I wouldn't hold out much hope though so I'd file this particular person under the bitter and twisted file and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and be grateful for a supportive and loyal husband.

dechol

I stopped contact with a "friend" years ago. Sounds like your friend. Very angry bitter person and always criticizing anything I did etc.we had a massive row and haven't had contact since. She has tried to initiate contact but I never responded. It was very hard at the time but it was honestly the best thing I ever did. She had alienated other friends and I was always juggling meet up and nights out because she didn't like people.I know she is a very unhappy person but the negativity was dragging me down. I think you will realise in months to come this was the best thing that could happen. Surround yourself with friends who like and respect you and who you like and respect in return.

catchery

I also stopped contact with a childhood friend ,The night before my wedding! She txt me late which i thought was to wish me well! but to tell me she couldn't make it , she never contacted me after my honeymoon ? then i was out one night and she tried to talk to me but i walked away . I understand how you feel you have always protected this girl even though she has hurt you and others around you ! Her pain is always more than others , you think she is weaker and more vulnerable and so it was always this way , you cannot help the way you have reacted in the past . It's almost like a younger sister to you.. But enough is enough ! I told my friends at the wedding if she contacts me and explains great but if she doesn't thats it ive had enough , what would she be like if i was pregnant and needed her to be really happy for me and she wasn't. that was six years ago , and yes it was hard and i felt guilty but she had fallen out with all our friends first i was the last , and i tell you now im glad she never came to my wedding , i would of been worrying if she was ok !! but she never sent me any message again , i wasted so much time on her because i was friends/knew her for so long and the relief was fantastic when i realised i did the right thing to stay away, it took me a long time, but when my first child was born i knew she wouldnt of come to see me and my bundle of joy, cos she wouldnt have wanted to listen to me going on about the joys of it! I hope you give your husband a big cuddle cos he is watching this person be nasty to the most important person in his life ! Im sorry for the huge rant but hope its of some help , congratulations to you both and enjoy your miracle x

Cunning Stunt

I think you did the right thing, and quite frankly if a pregnancy causes her to become so evil then I would not want her anywhere near my baby.

Good riddance to bad friends.

castaway_lady

Sounds like your hubby had reached the end of the line with her and was probably sick of hearing about her and seeing you worrying about her and driven to it. OK it might not have been the ideal course of action at the time but the end result is that she knows now.

If you really feel the need to address this again (& I wouldnt if I were you) send her a text listing clearly her behaviour with each of the others individually and say this is where it came from and that you're very happy to be pregnant and hopes she's happy for you too because that would be a normal response.

After that the ball is in her court. But you really are better of without. Does your bubble of happiness here really need to be infiltrated by unnecessary misery, stress and bitterness? Its unfortunate but you cant control this one.

Big Bag of Chips

You have to remember, that although it's you who are physically pregnant, it is your husband's baby too.

So his instinct is to protect you and his baby. Why should he sit back and allow someone to be bitter and nasty about something he is delighted about?