Polite way to remind people their kids are not invited?

Vojera

We sent our invitations out the first week in January and people have till the 1st of March to RSVP.

We've gotten a few confirmations back, which is great, but we've heard from a few family members that X and Y have booked rooms for themselves and the wives and the kids. This would be great too, except the kids weren't on the invitations. They were addressed to the parents only, not "The Reilly Family" or anything like that. Their RSVPs also included their names only too, no indication that they thought their children were coming as well.

Is there any polite way to tell them that their kids weren't actually invited, especially since they've already booked rooms?

We can't say it's a no-kids wedding, there are actually plenty of children invited, but we only invited the children of people we know really well and would babysit, etc.

It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world having more kids there, but it'll upset the tables if they're trying to jam more seats in, plus there's the fact that it's extremely rude to bring someone not on the invitation (imo anyway).

Any ideas how I can phrase it without sounding like a crazy bridezilla?

lazygal

I would get the names of those who've booked into the hotel with their children and call them to confirm that you're keeping two places for them. If they pull the 'what about the kids' card, you need to be direct and repeat as needed 'your children unfortunately cannot be accomodated'. If they kick up a stink, call their bluff and let them know that while you're sorry they won't be able to attend because their children cannot come, you'll be sure to be in touch after the wedding.

We had no children, some people declined because of this, but TBH other people's childcare arrangements are not our problem. We also had people put us under serious pressure to include their children, again we said we were sorry if this meant they could not attend but only those named on the invitation were invited to the wedding, we had no capacity for extras. Don't feel one bit guilty about them if they try to make you feel bad, you are doing the inviting and its not up to you to accomodate people who haven't been asked.

pwurple

Tricky one. I would never bring my child to a wedding unless they were expressly invited. Even once they were actually invited, and I didn't bring them along as there was no way they would have enjoyed it. The two weddings they have been at they were collected after the photos.

I can understand if it's a family wedding, and the whole family is going, so your usual babysitter is also at the wedding. But usually there is someone.

It's hard to uninvite people though. I remember for my wedding, I asked an aquaintance who had a cake making business if they could make the cake for us. They got the complete wrong end of the stick, and assumed they were invited to the wedding, and said they wouldn't be able to enjoy the day if they were watching the cake all day. I said, 'oh right'. I then went home and caved... and wrote her an invitation!

So I understand your wariness.

Anyway you can get someone else to do your dirty work. What side of the family are they on? Can your parents mention it maybe.

niallb

I agree with pwurple. You should never bring your kids to a wedding they weren't invited to.

That said! We did bring our first son who was 6 months old at the time to the hotel for a wedding about 12 years ago.
We booked a room for ourselves and our son, and brought babysitters.
Neither the baby nor the babysitters were at the wedding, just in the same hotel and easy for us to slip up to every now and then.
We had reasons for being anxious at the time, and wouldn't have been able to enjoy the wedding with our son on the other side of the country.
We thought it was a gray area, and the groom knew exactly what we were doing.
I'd get somebody to get in touch with them as soon as possible.
You'll have enough to worry about without this if it's bothering you.
Explain that they'll have to sort out meals at least, and give them the details of the hotel's babysitting service

Miaireland

My friend was in a similar situation as you. She did two different text messages , once she got the RSVP. To the people who were going and she was unsure whether they would try to bring their kids she said Thanks for accepting our invitation. Can't wait to see, hope ye will have a great night letting your hair down without the kids. (She worded it better).

To the people who had booked their kids to the hotel she sent a text message: Person X is the person to contact at the hotel for a babysitter the day of the Wedding. They ask that you contact them as soon as possible as there are only a limited amount of babysitters available for the full day of the Wedding. In the case of you bring your own babysitter this person can also be contacted to organise child meal room-service etc. (again she worded it better).

Karen23

I'd never bring my kids to a wedding unless it was immediate family. They've been to mine and my sisters but otherwise I go and enjoy the day with my hubby. I've never understood the people who won't go anywhere without their kids or insist a wedding is not a wedding without kids running around the place. I had the same problem at my own wedding , my aunt insisted on bringing her kids. I had to tell her she was putting me in an awful situation as I had told others that we weren't having kids there except our own because we both have way too many cousins and can't invite one without the others and there was no possible way we could afford to have them all. She said she might not be able to come as she wouldn't have a babysitter. I told her try her best as I'd love her to be there. She arrived with her husband , no kids and had a great time.

Kids get bored and fed up and neither parents or kids enjoy that. I love the chance to spend a child free day out with my hubby.

Try get someone else to mention it , throw it into the conversation about no kids being invited and see how it goes.

Good luck but you might have to be blunt if the subtle approach doesn't work.

clint_silver

Karen23 wrote: »

I'd never bring my kids to a wedding unless it was immediate family. They've been to mine and my sisters but otherwise I go and enjoy the day with my hubby. I've never understood the people who won't go anywhere without their kids or insist a wedding is not a wedding without kids running around the place. I had the same problem at my own wedding , my aunt insisted on bringing her kids. I had to tell her she was putting me in an awful situation as I had told others that we weren't having kids there except our own because we both have way too many cousins and can't invite one without the others and there was no possible way we could afford to have them all. She said she might not be able to come as she wouldn't have a babysitter. I told her try her best as I'd love her to be there. She arrived with her husband , no kids and had a great time.

Kids get bored and fed up and neither parents or kids enjoy that. I love the chance to spend a child free day out with my hubby.

Try get someone else to mention it , throw it into the conversation about no kids being invited and see how it goes.

Good luck but you might have to be blunt if the subtle approach doesn't work.

Some parents dont like to be separated from their kids, maybe theres something medical. Not all parents let their children run around.

side room. tv and dvd. 2-3 pixar films. xbox or whatever. half a dozen coloring books and markers out of the pound shop on a table. load of sweets and popcorn.
hire a clown/magician/minder.

lots of things can be done relatively cheaply in relation to other things on the day that can mean kids can attend and aren't disruptive.

Dolbert

clint_silver wrote: »

Some parents dont like to be separated from their kids, maybe theres something medical. Not all parents let their children run around.

side room. tv and dvd. 2-3 pixar films. xbox or whatever. half a dozen coloring books and markers out of the pound shop on a table. load of sweets and popcorn.
hire a clown/magician/minder.

lots of things can be done relatively cheaply in relation to other things on the day that can mean kids can attend and aren't disruptive.

That's all irrelevant if the OP simply doesn't want them there. A simple 'there must have been a misunderstanding, we only intended to invite the two of you' will do the trick. If they gripe about not being able to get a babysitter, tell them you're sorry they can't make it. Polite but firm is the key here.

lazygal

clint_silver wrote: »

Some parents dont like to be separated from their kids, maybe theres something medical. Not all parents let their children run around.

side room. tv and dvd. 2-3 pixar films. xbox or whatever. half a dozen coloring books and markers out of the pound shop on a table. load of sweets and popcorn.
hire a clown/magician/minder.

lots of things can be done relatively cheaply in relation to other things on the day that can mean kids can attend and aren't disruptive.

We didn't want children at our wedding, no exception. Any time I've been at a wedding with children they have been intrusive, making noise during the ceremony or being disruptive on the dancefloor. Our band and DJ said they prefer childfree weddings as it can be hard to get adults up dancing when children are running around the dancefloor. Laying on extra entertainment for children wasn't an option for us - it wasn't a question of expense, we married in a venue not suitable for children. Also, our ceremony took place in a small room, any noise from a child would have been very hard to ignore, plus I've been to weddings where the vows have been drowned out because children weren't brought outside.

I have no interest in attending a wedding with my child. We either make babysitting arrangements or decline the invitation. Some parents seem to think their children should be welcomed everywhere they go. I'm not one of them and TBH I don't understand parents who think 'John and Mary' means 'and your three kids' when they get a wedding invitation.

clint_silver

Oh for sure, all depends on the couple getting married, where theyre getting married, the kids, the parents, the guests. My post above was in response to the suggestion that any weddings with kids sees them running about and shouting and being disruptive. They're not all like that.

We didn't want kids at our wedding. NO exceptions. All my side took it well, a night away on their own without small ones - they were delighted. The other side, not so much. I ended up being as rude as they were being and just told them straight.

hoodwinked

Vojera wrote: »

We sent our invitations out the first week in January and people have till the 1st of March to RSVP.

We've gotten a few confirmations back, which is great, but we've heard from a few family members that X and Y have booked rooms for themselves and the wives and the kids. This would be great too, except the kids weren't on the invitations. They were addressed to the parents only, not "The Reilly Family" or anything like that. Their RSVPs also included their names only too, no indication that they thought their children were coming as well.

Is there any polite way to tell them that their kids weren't actually invited, especially since they've already booked rooms?

We can't say it's a no-kids wedding, there are actually plenty of children invited, but we only invited the children of people we know really well and would babysit, etc.

It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world having more kids there, but it'll upset the tables if they're trying to jam more seats in, plus there's the fact that it's extremely rude to bring someone not on the invitation (imo anyway).

Any ideas how I can phrase it without sounding like a crazy bridezilla?

Honestly it really does depend on how close a family member they are, my husbands brother got married last year and on our invitation they handwrote in the corner "strictly no children",

considering other children, husbands cousins were invited as were the under agers on her side we were a little upset, my husbands family were alot upset that the only grandchild was cut (and the reason for the cut was she was the first grandchild) but feeling like they couldn't say anything, long story short after talking to the groom he said she could go and that he wanted her there but his wife to be said no, but told his parents to tell us to bring her anyway (anyone who knows her knows she's as good as gold, and so used to going to mass she sat quietly through it, ditto for the meal, in fact we were complemented for the fact she was a model guest)



so it really does depend on why you don't want these particular children there? especially if they are close family...eg nieces nephews, my advice is to be honest, say yes there will be children we know there but honestly we don't know yours and we'd like to keep the wedding to those we know, honesty is the best policy here otherwise you will sound like a crazy bridezilla, and people will get hurt.

Karen23

clint_silver wrote: »

Oh for sure, all depends on the couple getting married, where theyre getting married, the kids, the parents, the guests. My post above was in response to the suggestion that any weddings with kids sees them running about and shouting and being disruptive. They're not all like that.

No child is going to sit and behave themselves at a full wedding , its a very long day for an adult never mind a child. I've seen parents totally oblivious to the fact that they're child is not the little angel they think they are. That doesn't only apply to weddings either.

clint_silver

Karen23 wrote: »

No child is going to sit and behave themselves at a full wedding , its a very long day for an adult never mind a child. I've seen parents totally oblivious to the fact that they're child is not the little angel they think they are. That doesn't only apply to weddings either.

I'm not arguing any couples preference in not having kids at a wedding. Each to their own, Ive seen disruptive kids at weddings and know what you're talking about.

I am saying it is possible to have kids at a wedding or any event and not only have them be not disruptive but also have them enjoy and be part of the day with family. I've 4 kids under 10 so do have some experience with this.


Ill say again though, no right or wrong with the "have kids at weddings" questions, each to their own on that one but to put it in perspective, Ive seen weddings ruined by drink fueled adults acting worse than any bored child. So if all you want is a non-disrupted wedding, do you stop drink?

Miaireland

Miaireland wrote: »

My friend was in a similar situation as you. She did two different text messages , once she got the RSVP. To the people who were going and she was unsure whether they would try to bring their kids she said Thanks for accepting our invitation. Can't wait to see, hope ye will have a great night letting your hair down without the kids. (She worded it better).

To the people who had booked their kids to the hotel she sent a text message: Person X is the person to contact at the hotel for a babysitter the day of the Wedding. They ask that you contact them as soon as possible as there are only a limited amount of babysitters available for the full day of the Wedding. In the case of you bring your own babysitter this person can also be contacted to organise child meal room-service etc. (again she worded it better).

I'd say this is the best way to go

anncoates

Always think it's weird to bring kids to a non family wedding.

We personally jump at the chance to have a night out/off.

Maybe they just can't get a babysitter?

Vojera

On my phone so can't multi-quote, but anyway...

The reason we don't want these particular kids is just that we don't know them. We've seen them at funerals and the like but we don't actually know them. They're on my partner's side, so thankfully she'll be the one to deal with them, but her family aren't very close like mine are, so she has only invited the people she knows and likes. As I said, I've no problem with kids at weddings, but I do have a problem with bringing people who weren't invited.

Yeah, I think nipping it in the bud is the best course of action. I'll get her onto it this evening. The earlier the better as rooms can still be changed/cancelled at this stage.

As I said, it wouldn't be the worst thing if they came - other children will be there - but I don't want to pay for someone else's cheek, to be blunt. I realise that might make me sound like a controlling b*tch, but if we'd wanted them there we'd have asked them.

If we were late sending invitations then I might see past the babysitter thing, but we sent the invitations 3 months before the wedding and have given them 2 months to decide if they're coming or not, so that doesn't ring true for me.

paulbok

We didn't have kids at ours, except for 1 nephew (2 years old, and had a babysitter organised for him) and 2 nephews between 10 & 14.
We didn't specifically put it on the invites that we didn't want kids coming but we let it be known that due to the numbers, we were unable to accommodate anyone elses kids. If we invited 1 we'd have had to invite at least 20.
All our friends who have kids were only too glad of an opportunity to be rid of them for a day .
Having said that, I'm sure one or two of our invite declines were because of that, for whatever reason (babysitting, getting the hump, etc).

hoodwinked

Vojera wrote: »

On my phone so can't multi-quote, but anyway...

The reason we don't want these particular kids is just that we don't know them. We've seen them at funerals and the like but we don't actually know them. They're on my partner's side, so thankfully she'll be the one to deal with them, but her family aren't very close like mine are, so she has only invited the people she knows and likes. As I said, I've no problem with kids at weddings, but I do have a problem with bringing people who weren't invited.

Yeah, I think nipping it in the bud is the best course of action. I'll get her onto it this evening. The earlier the better as rooms can still be changed/cancelled at this stage.

As I said, it wouldn't be the worst thing if they came - other children will be there - but I don't want to pay for someone else's cheek, to be blunt. I realise that might make me sound like a controlling b*tch, but if we'd wanted them there we'd have asked them.

If we were late sending invitations then I might see past the babysitter thing, but we sent the invitations 3 months before the wedding and have given them 2 months to decide if they're coming or not, so that doesn't ring true for me.

well if thats the case

i think a polite phone call just to mention you noticed the childrens names on the invite and maybe remind them they are not invited to the event, let them know the children are of course free to stay in the rooms in the hotel for the day but wouldn't it be easier on the baby sitter if the children had home comforts,

(if they get all huffy and threaten not to go leave them to it, in a few days they'll calm down)

tatli_lokma

Before you go ringing anyone and possibly setting the cat amongst the pigeons I think you should be certain that they actually are bringing kids. You say you have heard from other family members that these guests have booked family rooms. But it could be Chinese whispers or other people making assumptions or plain getting it wrong. So I would just recommend being sure of the situation before you say anything.

Karen23

clint_silver wrote: »

I'm not arguing any couples preference in not having kids at a wedding. Each to their own, Ive seen disruptive kids at weddings and know what you're talking about.

I am saying it is possible to have kids at a wedding or any event and not only have them be not disruptive but also have them enjoy and be part of the day with family. I've 4 kids under 10 so do have some experience with this.


Ill say again though, no right or wrong with the "have kids at weddings" questions, each to their own on that one but to put it in perspective, Ive seen weddings ruined by drink fueled adults acting worse than any bored child. So if all you want is a non-disrupted wedding, do you stop drink?

I never said the kids being disruptive would be the reason I didn't invite them , I said they get bored. I've been at weddings and seen Mammy's having to leave the reception early because the kids were tired and cranky. They weren't enjoying themselves and neither was she.

But the amount of drunken adults would be one of my top reasons for not bringing the kids.

whatdoicare

At our wedding one cousin on my Husbands side invited his two babies without asking us - we got the rsvp card back with two extra names and we were befuddled as to who these two guys were!:rolleyes: We didn't know his wife had not one but two kids since we'd last met them!

We were then stuck making the awkward phone call to tell them their guests were still uninvited. It was fair cheeky of them all the same. We had to be blunt though, it was only fair, as other relatives knew their kids weren't invited and were fine with it.

pwurple

Yup, have it in a nightlcub or something, and make it an evening event. It's hardly a day thing is it, with bouncy castles?

helimachoptor

We invited some to ours and didn't invite some, we got a few calls about it and just said we couldn't fit them in etc

Toots

Folks, just a note to say I've moved the replies relating to the 21st birthday party post to their own thread in the Personal Issues Forum. Here's the link:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=84051077#post84051077

Before posting to that thread, please remember that the rules of the Personal Issues forum now apply to it.

Thanks!