breakup after 18 years

the bomber

Hi, myself and my partner had been together for 18 years and june 2012 he decided to walk away. we do not have children. I am having awful difficulty getting over this man. we had a very volatile relationship. he was self employed and got into awful company with some awful people. He changed drastically, but i still love him. he become abusive verbally and occasionally spitting at me. He blamed me for everything and no matter how I tried to talk to him the worse he became to me. unfortunatly, I suffer from depression myself and have been on meditation for years which keep it well regulated. however, he constantly called me mental and shouted obsensities at me. He left me awful debt and no house. I know you probably going to say I am stupid but you know I still love him. I am unable to get past this pain of losing could someone please advise/help me. How do i move on with all confidence and everything lost.

Darren 83

I think you might be afraid that you won't find anyone else. A man who did all that to you is not a man in my book he is not worth it most certainly not worth having you by his side. As for the debt why are you left with it?

the bomber

I stupidly gave him my credit cards and he asked me to be a director in his company as he needed two directors to start-up, so the company went into liquidation october 2011 and while he appears to have all his personal debt written off I have still half the debt of the company plus the credit cards he used to finance his company to pay. Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate it. I am beside myself crying and not knowing or able to understand how I failed so much.

Dixie Chick

the bomber wrote: »

I stupidly gave him my credit cards and he asked me to be a director in his company as he needed two directors to start-up, so the company went into liquidation october 2011 and while he appears to have all his personal debt written off I have still half the debt of the company plus the credit cards he used to finance his company to pay. Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate it. I am beside myself crying and not knowing or able to understand how I failed so much.

Are you a 50% Director> legal advice is needed here for definite if not already sought

Mervenut

Get legal advice from a good solicitor fast! You are not liable for debts if the company is liquidated as far as I know!

the bomber

thank you for your reply. He used my personal credit cards, yes I was 50% director, but he also personally signed guarantee/loan forms. I went for advice but they say i was liable as he had no assets

tcif

the bomber wrote: »

.... how I failed so much.

My first piece of advice is stop beating yourself up. How did you fail? You gave 18 years of your life to this man, whom you loved and trusted. It's easy to look back in hindsight and kick yourself for giving him your credit cards etc but the reality of being in a long term committed relationship is that you give and share hugely with the other person and if they choose to, they can really screw you over. From your post it sounds like this was never an easy relationship, and one which you probably would have been better off getting out of years ago, but it is what it is now and you have to try to deal with it but don't add to your pain by being so hard on yourself. You have enough on your plate without that.

You have practical/financial problems that you do have to try to sort out as soon as you can and get what help you can (solicitor etc) to get those out of the way.

My second piece of advice is give yourself time. 6 months, after so long in a relationship, is an incredibly short amount of time and the hurt must still be terribly raw. Allow yourself the time you need to heal emotionally. If you're seeing a health professional for your depression, talk to them. If not, see if you can find some counselling in your area. Take it one day at a time; you've made it through the first 6 months and while it may take a little while longer, the days are coming when each one will be a little easier than the one before it. Hang in there.

the bomber

Thank you so very much tcif, I truely appreciate your advice and kindness. Thank you for taking the time.

spankysue

I feel really bad for you OP but to be honest, it sounds like you'd be much better off without this guy.

You deserve more than to be abused and as for the spitting, that is absolutely vile, normal people wouldn't do that to someone they hate, let alone someone they love. I know 18 years is a long time and I'm sure it must be really hard for you to move on but your ex sounds like a disgusting excuse of a man, and I hope that you will see this yourself in a while and be happy that you got away from him when you did. (And also, that you didn't bring any children into this relationship)

Also, I agree with the other posters about getting legal advice about the debt he left you in, definitely do that and don't let yourself be walked over.

I wish you the best of luck with everything OP, I hope you will move past this and will have a happier life now. And remember, you didn't do anything wrong, so be kind to yourself

the bomber

Thank you spankysue, all these words of kindness i really do value. I am just totally unable to shake this feeling of uselessness off me. He constantly txts to let me know how I ruined his life and I feel awful guilty for that.

spankysue

the bomber wrote: »

Thank you spankysue, all these words of kindness i really do value. I am just totally unable to shake this feeling of uselessness off me. He constantly txts to let me know how I ruined his life and I feel awful guilty for that.

I'm getting angrier by the minute hearing about this guy's behaviour.....

I know you shouldn't have to do this, but if I was you, I'd change my number. (I actually had to do this myself after an abusive ex of mine went to prison and I had a chance to get away from him) He's still trying to abuse you emotionally even though he left YOU with all that debt and everything, I really hope you see now what I've seen since your op, this guy is an a$$hole of the highest order!

Please don't let scum like him affect you, people like him aren't even worth being upset over.

You're worth 10 of him from the sounds of it.

dellas1979

Just one question - Do you think that he ruined your life?

Darren 83

He is just trying to bring you down to his level, change your number get this fella out of you're life. I would'nt treat a dog like how he treated you. Contact mabs http://www.mabs.ie/ about you're debts or free legal aid.

You can do a lot better than that fella give it time.

the bomber

dellas1979 wrote: »

Just one question - Do you think that he ruined your life?

You know I really do not know, I just cannot seem to get myself into a right place. I think he has me convinced that I have actually ruined his life, because as late as yesterday he found it necessary to txt me to tell me how "****ed up" i was and hence he was never able to succeed in business/life! thank you for your reply.

the bomber

thank you for the advice about mabs, rang today for appointment so have appt for next week. you know I am nearly affraid to change my number and the truth being i feel so alone and each time he txts Im almost thankful for the recognition as awful as the txts always are,if that makes any sense, i know it does'nt but my whole confidence. outlook on life seems to be all gone, so hence the reason for my first post "how do I get myself together, i feel so old.

Dixie Chick

It actually makes sense, horrible as that is that you feel like that. It sounds like tehre was a mental abuse that still continues, and you are almost reliant on it. You poor woman, he honestly sounds horrible, and to be honest fooked up as well. He waslked away from you, left you in financial distress from his own doing.....look at the facts alone. Could I ask, what age are you? I weny out with a bad egg myself for 12 years, and broke up two years ago, its only NOW that I can finally say he is a bad egg.

the bomber

Hi I am in early 50s. not easy to move on at this age!

Dixie Chick

Ay amy age really, tough relationships damage us no matter what age. I would definitely agree with teh poster who said to change your number, you need to make the decision for yourself that you are gonna draw the line and move on. Just do it, dont wallow and allow yourself to be abused. Do it for yourself