Dealing with rejection

Isolt

This came up in conversation with a few friends earlier. I don't just mean the end of long term serious relationships, but basically any rejection of the romantic kind. One of my friends said she has her friends around, drinks wine, cries a little or else slags the guy off with the moral support of her buddies. Another said she likes to get all glammed up and go dancing. (I like this one too) The one guy in the coversation said he goes out with the lads and scores whoever he wants and some of the girls agreed with this and said they'd do that too. We have a friend who packed up his things and went to Australia after his girlfriend of 5 years ended their relationship.

So when it hasn't worked out with a guy/girl you've been dating or the love of your life has broken it off, what are your coping strategies?

Ah_Yeah

I tend to focus on what makes me feel good about myself. That's in the form of being active, and having a "good word with myself"!

I go horse riding, because I'm good at it and I enjoy it.

After that, I remember that just because I was rejected, doesn't mean I'm not a great person. I just wasn't suited to that guy, and it means that I'm free for someone better suited for me to come along. I also remind myself that this means that the potential to meet and flirt with someone new is only around the corner.

Then I do my make up, realise what a hottie I am and I am over it :cool:

Isolt

Ah_Yeah wrote: »

I also remind myself that this means that the potential to meet and flirt with someone new is only around the corner.

Then I do my make up, realise what a hottie I am and I am over it :cool:

Hahaha I LOVE this!

Itwasntme.

Isolt wrote: »

Hahaha I LOVE this!

Me too. I think I now know who I want to be when I grow up. You Ah Yeah, that's who .

I am terrified of rejection so I either avoid it by not trying or taking control of it (pad myself emotionally and preempt it) so it happens on my terms. This way, when it does happen, I am already half way through the mental recovery and all that's left is my standard period of hibernation where I re-organise all other aspects of my life so I can regain the feeling of being in control.

Ah_Yeah

Itwasntme. wrote: »

Me too. I think I now know who I want to be when I grow up. You Ah Yeah, that's who .

I am terrified of rejection so I either avoid it by not trying or taking control of it (pad myself emotionally and preempt it) so it happens on my terms. This way, when it does happen, I am already half way through the mental recovery and all that's left is my standard period of hibernation where I re-organise all other aspects of my life so I can regain the feeling of being in control.

I do a little bit of this too. I have been single for a significant patch of my dating years, so I have hit a decent number of speedbumps along the way. I'm also good at reading people, so I tend to predict when things are fizzling out or they're losing interest.

It doesn't mean to say I finish things, I tend to hang on longer than I should, but when it does happen, I was pretty much aware it was going to happen anyway!

cantdecide

I'm given to a bit of one-itis, I'm afraid. I withdraw. The last thing on my mind is scoring someone else. My appetite goes out the window. I just simplify and ride it out. I know I'll get there but I know there will be a level of pain for a period of time.

It's not all bad. I think that this kind of pain is also proof that you're out there and you're you're not afraid to live and to put yourself on the line. If it makes sense, it's a healthy pain.

Isolt

I tend to deal with it with humour, although I reckon that's probably a type of suppression.

Da Shins Kelly

Alcohol is usually my first port of call.

Wibbs

Depends on the situation. Rejection at the first hurdle? Meh, "Next!" Ahh TBH there's a little bit of sometimes, but not a lot. Short term thing that doesn't work out? Tinge of sadness, but not a lot more, so easy to move on. Long termer where love was involved? A lot more difficult. Talking with mates, grieving for the loss and trying to get more social, but time mostly.

SunnyDub1

After me and my long term boyf split, I'd spent good time being a moany selfish twat that felt sorry for myself and was constantly angry.

One day after a vicious phone call from himself, I was angry very angry - I got up out of the bed that I hadn't moved out of in days , put on jogging bottoms and drove and drove not known where I was going, I eventually stopped at a park, got out of the car didn't know why I was there or where I was planning on going but I just started to run - kept running until I was physically not able to go any further.

After the run, it was like I had sweated all my anger and negative thoughts out of me
I never spoke to the ex again after that run.
The more exercise I started to do the less I cared about the ex!
I know it may seem silly to others but thats how I felt and that was my way of dealing with it!

Eve_Dublin

Itwasntme. wrote: »

Me too. I think I now know who I want to be when I grow up. You Ah Yeah, that's who .

I am terrified of rejection so I either avoid it by not trying or taking control of it (pad myself emotionally and preempt it) so it happens on my terms. This way, when it does happen, I am already half way through the mental recovery and all that's left is my standard period of hibernation where I re-organise all other aspects of my life so I can regain the feeling of being in control.

I'm not so much terrified of rejection but I do avoid it. It's a pride thing. I generally only approach someone if I know they like me and never "cold call" someone (just invented that!) but that's generally. I have been rejected. The last time before getting into this relationship was a biggy. Really knocked me for six as I was SURE he'd say yes. We'd been sleeping together and hanging out for a year, so I presumed he'd want something with me.

What did I do? I cried and sulked about a fair bit, I hate to say. Felt like I wasn't worth loving and felt a sham of a person. I felt foolish but I got over it in time.

If you've been rejected it means you've been brave enough to put yourself out there, which is a hell of a lot more than most of us do (myself included). I would have experienced a whole lot more rejection if I was braver throughout the years.

Inspector Dhar

A bottle of Jack Daniels, a couple of cans of Alphabeti Spaghetti, a couple of mates, and a competition to see who can make the rudest words out of the spaghetti. I seek rejection,so I can indulge in this treat.

Snowie

Huuh

Rejection sucks... There's no good way to go with it, how ever I feel if you have to resort to a one night stand in order to make your self feel better its a bit needy granted its, a pretty vulnrable state for any one to be in how ever. I would never just walk out and go find the first peace of skirt and just go in for a semi drunken fvck. Doesn't sound all to appealing.

Honestly I berry my self into my work and really try to maintain getting satisfaction from other aspects of my life weather its camera work. Working that little bit harder. If it really bothers me I'd bring it up with my therapist, being honest some times it just needs to be talked out....

jaffacakesyum

As cliché as it sounds I just try and remind myself that time is a great healer. And it's true.

I get really down about things not working out with someone I really like, because it's rare for me to find someone I care that much about. And all of the time, it's not even a serious break up because I've never been in a proper relationship.

For example, about a year ago I had been seeing someone for 4 months, not "going out", just casually dating and sleeping with each other. I wanted a relationship, she didn't, it ended. I was in bits for months. Even though I knew it was ridiculous, as I had been seeing her for such a short time. It took me a long time to get her out of my head but now I think back and even if she wanted to jump into bed with me or jump into a relationship right now I'd say no. I don't see her that way at all.

Currently going through the same thing with a different girl. I'm dating someone else but I still can't get her out of my head. Hopefully, time will again prove to be a healer and I will be able to stop thinking about her that way soon.

I don't think any amount of alcohol or chocolate or crying will help. I think you just need to try hard not to think about them and go about your life as you normally would.

ilovesleep

I actually don't mind rejection. It happens in all walks of life. But when it comes to rejection and relationships, it's the manner it's done in that bothers me. So far I've had many who p1ssed about with disappointments and behaved as if they just didn't care after disappointing me. Sometimes there was a mixed bag of excuses followed by no action which kinda leaves you hanging on.

And I often came to the conclusion that it was their way of finishing.

But something like that, it's dragged out and there's so much emotions at play. Can they not be honest and truthful up front from the start as soon as they realise there's change instead of p1ssing about with words and disappointments, taking advantage of someone's trust and an understanding nature.

Twee.

Another fan of the "get dolled up" approach. When my ex broke up with me I went out and bought a cleavage-ful dress and some red lipstick, did my hair up and went out on the town with the girls. I felt FAB. Didn't go on big nights out with the ex so it was really something I needed

For rejection from a non-boyfriend, say someone I had just fancied or tried to chat up, I just think onwards and upwards. Everyone can't like me, in the same way that I don't like everyone! This particular person didn't fancy me or whatever, move along! It happens, no need to dwell.

beks101

cantdecide wrote: »

It's not all bad. I think that this kind of pain is also proof that you're out there and you're you're not afraid to live and to put yourself on the line. If it makes sense, it's a healthy pain.

I like this.

Sort of going through this right now. I guess I've been lucky in that my experience with rejection has been limited thus far, but it makes it all the more difficult now, particularly because he's also a friend.

I'm doing the right things, sleeping properly, keeping busy (luckily work is NUTS), training hard in the gym , talking talking talking about it. But also reminding myself that rejection is just a part of life, so this is a vital life lesson I'm learning that will help me grow as a person.

And trying not to take it personally. We tend to focus on the negative, focus on the one that didnt want us rather than the ten that did. I don't want to live my life in need of a man's approval in order to feel good about myself, so here's where I learn how to support myself & look in the mirror and realize how awesome I am even without a choir of consenting voices behind me.

You've just got to be able to stand on your own in life & know your own self worth. It can't be something that's so fragile & approval-dependant that it could slip at any given moment.

So the rejections - you just have to embrace the pain and the disappointment really, instead of shying away from it & pretending it isn't there. Respect your feelings and give yourself time to cry and be miserable and lonely and hurt and hopeless and scared.

I think pain and struggle are the greatest vessels for wisdom and growth there is & the hardships like being rejected by someone you care about just show how truly brave you've been in opening your heart to someone without the guarantee of anything in return. That's the only way to live I think.

seenitall

^^ I needed to read this. Now. Thank you so much, beks.

Also going through it right now, and the person is also a friend. What can I tell you, 6 months of flirting, complicated by some other interests being in the mix on both sides, followed by (finally! I thought) some kissing a few weeks ago, only to realise a few days ago that he is starting to pursue someone else!

It's bad.

Granted, I'm in a very vulnerable place emotionally right now, as this is the second time the exact same situation (ok, approximately the same) has happened in about a month (but the n-th time in a few years), I'm actually beginning to feel like "Good Luck Chuck" (if anyone has seen the stupid film).

I'm not good at coping with it, at all. When life is going well, I'm on top of the world, but when this siht happens, it does feel like my insides are falling in; it's a very strange, scary feeling, I suppose a form of panic attack.

Like cantdecide says, it's more or less about riding it out, because my attention span dwindles to nothing, so not much else is an option anyway.

But your post really touched something within, feeling so much better for reading it; it resonates. It's all my old issues of self-esteem and forever looking for external validation, rearing up again. At this stage, even recognising that is kind of comforting!

AFGE. Another Fcuking Growth Experience.

LegacyUser

I'm still in the process of dealing with a particularly harsh rejection...

I was dating a guy for nearly a year, but we had an argument because he didn't take me out for my birthday and ended up parting ways. Flash forward 4 months later and I was feeling pretty down in myself and my self esteem kinda went to ****, and to be honest I just missed having someone around. I texted him to ask if we could have a chat about us and he agreed to meet me. Had dinner in a nice restaurant and I paid because it was his birthday a month ago and I (like a fool) wanted to mark the occasion. Everything was going great and we were chatting as if we'd never broken up. We headed back to his place and had a long talk about our relationship and it seemed we were back on track. We ended up sleeping together and I even remember whispering to him how nice it was to be back in his bed (makes me cringe now...) as he cuddled me and we fell asleep together. Next morning he kissed me goodbye and I headed off to college. At lunchtime I saw I'd a message on facebook saying "Last night was fun, but I don't see us getting back together. Have a great weekend!" It was so incredibly hurtful... not just his blasé attitude but how he raised my hopes like that, gained back my trust and intimacy before basically giving me the middle finger. I know it's probably better for me in the long term not to be with someone like that, but it's really given a huge blow to my ability to trust men...

beks101

seenitall wrote: »

all my old issues of self-esteem and forever looking for external validation, rearing up again.

I do this too. I think that's at the heart of why this hurts so much for me at the moment tbh. You sort of feel like the rug has been pulled from under you...because it's been "approval approval approval....rejection" and I guess I had invested so much in that process.

I was also a bit on the vulnerable side when things started with this guy. Still hurting from my last relationship; maybe, in hindsight, trying to recreate that relationship with someone new. I thought it would be easy, as it was with my ex. I thought we were both on the same page.

I based so much of my self-perception, my self worth I suppose, in getting that approval from this guy. I liked him, he seemed to like me too, so it took on a whole new meaning. When you're explicitly seeking that approval in order to feel good about yourself, and then you throw in all that head-melting behaviour of flirting, dating, kissing, more dating, more kissing...and then BAM, 'I don't want you', it sort of shakes you to the core.

Self-worth is a funny thing. I'm a smart chick, I understand my value in the academic sense. I'm a good, honest person, I've got personality, spark, ambition, wit, decent looks blah blah blah...it's truly feeling it that is the tricky part. Rejection is always going to suck, but feeling worthy and placing a high value on yourself of your own accord, is what makes the difference between it causing prolonged misery/insecurity and just seeing it for what it is, processing it and moving on.

No matter how beautiful, fantastic, amazing, smart, successful, charismatic etc etc etc...you are, there'll always be someone to whom you won't be their cup of tea. Someone who could take you or leave you.

I think the biggest mistake someone with low self esteem could make after being rejected is trying to change some part of themselves and thinking that will make them 'better', 'rejection-proof'. People do it all the time - big break-up...new hair cut, join the gym, wardrobe re-vamp. I think what you really need to be doing is figuring out what got you to that headspace in the first place, where you were actively placing your happiness and value as a woman in the hands of some random guy who might be into you or might not be into you, flip of the coin really.

Trying to figure that out, and trying to remedy it. If there's going to be some 'growth experience' out of this particular event for me, I think that will have to be it.

cantdecide

beks101 wrote: »

I think what you really need to be doing is figuring out what got you to that headspace in the first place, where you were actively placing your happiness and value as a woman in the hands of some random guy who might be into you or might not be into you, flip of the coin really.

Sometimes the world tells some of the best of us that we're not ready or we haven't earned it yet or we're not <insert trait> enough but I think that's bull. Some of the least rounded people I know are in healthy relationships that fulfil them where they can depend on the support of their OH as their lives ebb and flow.

Unfortunately, there's a level of sentience and/ or intellect that a significant amount of others simply find scary and don't seem to understand or know how to engage with. I don't think independence is the lesson here at all. Some of us just have more to offer and maybe need more in return which pushes us above the norm. At the risk of being controversial, I'd say a lot of men are intimidated by smart women.

So what do you do? My advice is recognise you're a minority. Primarily pursue those that operate on a level you can engage with or you will remain unfulfilled. You definitely won't find these individuals on every street corner. However, you will know them when you meet them and when you do, you'll stop feeling like there's something wrong with you or you're doing something wrong.

seenitall

cantdecide wrote: »

Some of the least rounded people I know are in healthy relationships that fulfil them where they can depend on the support of their OH as their lives ebb and flow.

Yup, I've noticed that alright! Like my ex, who was really mentally abusive to me while I was trying to talk to him, either verbally disparaging me in front of others, or stonewalling me the other half of the time. (There was other stuff happening when he got very drunk, but I won't go into that, as he is the father of my child and TBH I got him by the balls in the end, so it all evens out, in a completely dysfunctional twisted way, of course.:pac:) This is just to illustrate that this is a person with a very nasty streak, living with whom made me wise up and grow up really fast, in all different ways.

But guess what? He is now in a caring, stable relationship with a nice woman, while I'm the one sitting here contributing to 'Dealing with rejection' thread on boards.ie.

Likewise, the best relationship I've ever had, in terms of feeling loved, appreciated, truly cared about, was almost 15 years ago, and in a lot of ways I was even more messed up (at least more confused and much less self-aware about all my different siht) than I am now, when I stumbled into it. That guy certainly didn't come along because 'I was ready' or 'I loved myself enough' or even because of the old perennial 'It happens when you stop looking' - believe you me, I was always looking, and still haven't stopped* :pac:); he just came along.

So yeah, I've recently started to take a more fatalist approach to these things, and I think I can now agree about the whole "Love only comes when you're ready for it" piece of wisdom; I'm not saying there is absolutely nothing to it, but surely if it were entirely true, I would have never had any relationships whatsoever.

Your post is positive and it cheered me up today, so thank you, too. 'Minority' sure beats 'messed up beyond redemption'!


*To paraphrase from a novel I read once:

"I am like the poor; they think about money all the time. I think about love all the time."

beks101

Maybe it's all hopelessly simple and random.

Maybe instead of analyzing the rejections and the frequent or occasional aRsebandits we attract into our lives, we should just instead clock it down to bad luck, the wrong man, vow to spot the warning signs next time where possible and move on.

While I do feel like introspection and self-awareness and studying the patterns is important, sometimes I feel like the elaborate theories and pop psychology on Why We Meet The Wrong Men can serve to stilt the process of meeting someone further and sort of defeats the purpose altogether. It sort of clouds the process of bumping into someone you like, chatting casually and the organic onset of "hey, this might be interesting"...because immediately your brain is on high alert. Your defence is up, you're thinking "is this guy X, Y, Z...' or "oh no! He said This, does that mean he's That..." etc etc.

Plain and simple, the rudiments of successful romance are down to luck and timing. Being in the right place in the right time with the right person. Some people meet that person right out of school; other people battle years of countless relationships, false starts, flings, rejections, broken hearts, on-again-off-agains, what-are-we set ups, ad nauseum. Why? Fuck knows.

All I know is, I'm looking for a friend. Someone that I can feel safe, secure and trusting of; but someone I want to jump into bed with at any opportunity.

I'm not looking for Brad Pitt (a quick scan of my exes will confirm this ) and I'm not high maintenance. I'm very agreeable and very giving. I have a lot to say and a lot to offer. I'm not closed either, shut off or guarded.

In friendship, my selection process is not something I've ever studied or scrutinized, but I've built up the most solid friendships I could hope for over years and that's down to naturally screening out the people that don't make me feel good about myself and sticking with the ones that do. And in turn, them sticking with me. Throughout that time I've swung from content to insecure to downright fucked up and back again, and it hasn't affected my friendships. That's also what I want in a relationship.

The rejections...they've been few and far between, but they've knocked me for six each time. They make me think, "I can't go through this again, I can't meet someone again..." but I've always bounced back. I'll continue to bounce back. I'll get there, but I guess in the meantime it wouldn't harm to me be as comfortable and secure and happy on my own as I can be, because at the end of the day, if you can't love yourself, you'll find it even tougher to embrace the right relationship with the right man.

And that's my little rant for the day. Also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs

seenitall

beks101 wrote: »

I'll get there, but I guess in the meantime it wouldn't harm to me be as comfortable and secure and happy on my own as I can be, because at the end of the day, if you can't love yourself, you'll find it even tougher to embrace the right relationship with the right man.

Yes beks101, you'll get there. You have insight, sensitivity, integrity, self-awareness; you strive to understand, to improve, to love. That's about the most anyone can ask of any human being, whatever the circumstances; and that's the most you can really ask of yourself, too.

It'll happen.

cantdecide

seenitall wrote: »

*To paraphrase from a novel I read once:

"I am like the poor; they think about money all the time. I think about love all the time."

Don't we all feel this way at times. Some more than others You have to remind yourself to stop wishing your life away.

beks101 wrote: »

Maybe it's all hopelessly simple and random. Plain and simple, the rudiments of successful romance are down to luck and timing. Being in the right place in the right time with the right person.

It really is. I have so many experiences of coming [does the thumb/ index finger thing] this close only for the cosmic conspiracy to once again, intervene. /sigh

beks101 wrote: »

Some people meet that person right out of school; other people battle years of countless relationships, false starts, flings, rejections, broken hearts, on-again-off-agains, what-are-we set ups, ad nauseum. Why? Fuck knows. All I know is, I'm looking for a friend. Someone that I can feel safe, secure and trusting of; but someone I want to jump into bed with at any opportunity.

beks101 wrote: »

In friendship, my selection process is not something I've ever studied or scrutinized, but I've built up the most solid friendships I could hope for over years and that's down to naturally screening out the people that don't make me feel good about myself and sticking with the ones that do. And in turn, them sticking with me. Throughout that time I've swung from content to insecure to downright fucked up and back again, and it hasn't affected my friendships. That's also what I want in a relationship.

beks101 wrote: »

The rejections...they've been few and far between, but they've knocked me for six each time. They make me think, "I can't go through this again, I can't meet someone again..." but I've always bounced back. I'll continue to bounce back. I'll get there, but I guess in the meantime it wouldn't harm to me be as comfortable and secure and happy on my own as I can be, because at the end of the day, if you can't love yourself, you'll find it even tougher to embrace the right relationship with the right man.

On our darkest days we think we aren't fit to leave the house out of fear of being abducted by the men in white coats. Sometimes we think that we're outsiders or even freaks... yet we have very successful relationships with people that value us every day. So what's different about romantic relationships? As above, it's all just simple, random luck or lack of.

beks101 wrote: »

And that's my little rant for the day. Also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs

Well don't stop ranting on our account. Some of us quite enjoy your musings.

seenitall wrote: »

Yes beks101, you'll get there. You have insight, sensitivity, integrity, self-awareness; you strive to understand, to improve, to love. That's about the most anyone can ask of any human being, whatever the circumstances; and that's the most you can really ask of yourself, too. It'll happen.

+1

Anyone else need a stiff drink?

captainpants23

Living well is the best revenge. Show them what they are missing.

Eve_Dublin

You´ve some wise head on those shoulders of yours, Beks.

clairefontaine

If you are able to parent yourself, in that all validation comes from you and you practise as a daily discipline not to lean on anyone but yourself for approval or validation, then rejection won't be something you have to handle, it will just be something that happens and doesn't matter that much.

beks101

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

You´ve some wise head on those shoulders of yours, Beks.

Don't be fooled, I think it's myself I'm trying to convince the most with all this rhetoric...

shane9689

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

After me and my long term boyf split, I'd spent good time being a moany selfish twat that felt sorry for myself and was constantly angry.

One day after a vicious phone call from himself, I was angry very angry - I got up out of the bed that I hadn't moved out of in days , put on jogging bottoms and drove and drove not known where I was going, I eventually stopped at a park, got out of the car didn't know why I was there or where I was planning on going but I just started to run - kept running until I was physically not able to go any further.

After the run, it was like I had sweated all my anger and negative thoughts out of me
I never spoke to the ex again after that run.
The more exercise I started to do the less I cared about the ex!
I know it may seem silly to others but thats how I felt and that was my way of dealing with it!

i always do this, just sprint really fast till i burn out

LegacyUser

I find spending time with pets and hobbies work well. I quite like computer games but especially handheld consoles like nintendo ds, or psp. Reason for this is because they are portable and if your tv is taken which often happens if you're living with others, you have your handheld device there for a game and you can stick in earphones too so that you're not bothering anyone. 

Have been trying to deal with a rejection for the past while and it's been so, so, tough. I met someone some time back. I wasn't under any illusion that it was going that after spending a night with him, it was going to lead onto anything more. I had my fun. If it lead onto more - sweet. If not, so be it. After we met he though he did a proper head fcuk. He asked for my address to send on a small gift he had and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. It came unexpected and I thought it was a nice gesture. But he didn't send it and it turned out to be nothing more but excuses from day one. Excuses which dragged it out for so long and I didn't know where I was. Pretty much dismissing me in the process of getting me hooked on him.

My head was melted and I withdrew into myself and fell down and when you're like this it can be a vicious circle because what's going to help you and pull you out are your interests but then you have no desire in interests or in anything at all actually. I might have them at the back of my mind but then I'd be too tired or exhausted.

12gauge dave

happened me once or twice and ive learned that going out getting with every tom dick and harry isnt the answer

my advice is to join a gym/get in shape/fit

avoid hooking up with the opposite sex for a few months and get comfortable with being on your own and being happy on your own.

improve yourself basicallly. You shouldnt need to be with someone to be happy in yourself!

be proud of who you are

shane9689

12gauge dave wrote: »

happened me once or twice and ive learned that going out getting with every tom dick and harry isnt the answer

my advice is to join a gym/get in shape/fit

avoid hooking up with the opposite sex for a few months and get comfortable with being on your own and being happy on your own.

improve yourself basicallly. You shouldnt need to be with someone to be happy in yourself!

be proud of who you are

ygoing out is good but yeah i probably should wait maybe 2-3 months lol

gym is good too :P

Wibbs

I've deleted a load of off topic posts that do not belong in the Ladies Lounge.
Tomthetank sums it up

tomthetank wrote: »

I thought that drivel that you posted was pretty off-topic in the first place tbh, and didn't have a place in a thread like this except to make women feel worse about how men think of them,

As for...

shane9689 wrote: »

i didnt realise this was the ladies lounge.

The title at the top of the page, the title at the top of the window, etc. There are a few clues. Try reading before posting.

No more PUA nonsense on this thread. BTW the Gentlemen's Club has banned all talk of it, as has PI and RI, so I'd not be posting there along these lines either.