Not allowing family members meet adopted baby son yet

Selandia

Just looking for opinions on this as I'm baffled by it but it'll probably make sense to others who have adopted babies from outside of Ireland. A single friend of mine, in her 40's, who happens to be gay and is in a fairly new relationship, has recently returned to Ireland with her new adopted son. She was all her life extremely close to her own mother and sister, and in fact her mum was to have travelled with her to bring home the new child/grandchild. Her new partner travelled instead. But since she arrived home she has refused to let her mum and sister into her house to meet the child, even for ten minutes. They are understandably extremely upset and hurt as they have supported and helped her all the way along the adoption journey, and her sister is already an experienced adoptive mum herself. This shutting them out, even not answering texts and calls, seems very cruel to me, and she does seem to be very influenced by her new partner in this matter.

But I want to be fair here to the situation and I'm wondering is this all part of the bonding process between new mum and baby? What do others think?

bbam

While this may be taking it to the extreme.
It is recommended to limit the introduction of more and more new people into the child's sphere until it has settled.

It has just been introduced to a new parent, new country and new house. This should be allowed to settle before many more new things are introduced. They should also resist the temptation to ask to hold the child for a while, and If they do only for short times in the beginning. Always handing the child back to the parent.

My advice is for them to hang back, let it be known that they are there to help wen it's time. A few weeks is nothing in the scheme of things. What happens now needs to be for the good of the child not extended family.

Avasa

Might it be that they are angry/offended that their mother didnt travel with them to collect the new baby?

lil5

At the adoption preparation classes provided for intercountry adoption it is indeed recommended to limit exposure to other people than the main carers to help form secure attachment.
Even if it's communicated beforehand, it's sometimes difficult to understand for family and friends who just want to share their joy and excitement and welcome the new arrival.

After the return the adoptive parent can also be quite anxious and wanting to do things by the book.

One suggestion would be to try and offer them assistance with household chores (shopping, washing, cooking) or going for a walk together with the child in the buggy.

The mum/sister might also find it useful to have a chat with the Barnardos post adoption services helpline to talk about the limitation of access after returning with a child and any suggestions they might have to slowly introduce them as new people to the child.
https://www.barnardos.ie/what-we-do/specialist-services/adoption.html (see helpline details)

MMAGirl

Google adoption and attachment.
All will be revealed and there will be no need to be suspicious or concerned about the adoptive parents motives again.

The_Conductor

Cutting all ties with family- especially at such a busy time, even if there are entirely understandable reasons, does seem to be going overboard to a certain extent. Certainly the new baby needs time with their new parents- but the new parents also need to know they have external support- and alienating those near and dear to them, won't do them any favours in the long run.

I'd seriously suggest keeping communication channels open- grandparents do not need to call to see the baby- but the odd phone call, perhaps with questions on baby care, might be appreciated?

MMAGirl

smccarrick wrote: »

Cutting all ties with family- especially at such a busy time, even if there are entirely understandable reasons, does seem to be going overboard to a certain extent. Certainly the new baby needs time with their new parents- but the new parents also need to know they have external support- and alienating those near and dear to them, won't do them any favours in the long run.

I'd seriously suggest keeping communication channels open- grandparents do not need to call to see the baby- but the odd phone call, perhaps with questions on baby care, might be appreciated?

I wouldn't be surprised if this story was exaggerated by the people who want to see they baby tbh. You know the way people get when they are left out a little bit and then can't comprehend that there might be a reason bigger than their need to see the baby. Some people love to be victims.

You are even told during adoption training that no matter how you explain the situation to some people that they can get like this.

Selandia

Thanks to all of you for your helpful replies and interest. I'm sure the new baby is settling well and bringing much joy to his new parents and of course ths is what everyone would wish for. He is now three weeks in Ireland and his granny and aunt and myself are the ONLY people aware of his arrival. I understand completely his parents wish to bond well with him and I am very happy to be patient about meeting him for as long as that takes. I'm not related to them, merely a long time supportive friend who acted as sponsor/referee for the mum in the early stages of a five year process.

However, it is NO exaggeration to say that the baby's new granny, aged 83, and his aunt, who as I said before is an adoptive mother of two herself and is very well aware of bonding guidelines, have not been invited to even glimpse the child through an open door, and all offers of help have been ignored or refused. And, yes, of course this is hurtful as they have all been very close on a daily basis all their lives up to this. Of course the baby's needs are paramount here, but as one poster pointed out, it seems foolish to alienate future familial help and support. I doubt this will happen as the granny and aunt are sensible people and will be overjoyed to meet the child eventually.

Anyway thanks all for your interest!