Need some proper advice - scary boyfriend

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I slept in separate beds last night for the third time in our 4 year relationship.

He finishes college earlier than me on Fridays so he was home ahead of me. When I arrived home from college there was a kitchen chair broken into about two dozen pieces in our back garden. When I opened the front door he was standing there clearly in a bad mood. I asked him what was wrong and he said that one of our dogs (we have two jack russells) had ripped up one of his toys and there was stuffing from it everywhere. I possibly laughed a little bit because it seemed such a ridiculous thing to be so grumpy about, as far as I'm concerned our dogs are very well behaved but like anybody, they act out now and then probably out of boredom (they are walked daily, receive lots of attention and we play stimulating games with them but once in a blue moon they act out, no big deal). So anyway, I helped my boyfriend clean up. When we finished cleaning up he still hadn't even said "hello, how was your day?" or anything really, he just kept shouting and swearing at me for what the dog had done. I asked him about the kitchen chair broken in the yard and he said he had kicked it and a leg had broken off (could easily happen to anyone in a moment of anger but would be easily fixed) but then he kicked the chair outside and smashed it to pieces, so he told me. He also broke a mop, a brush and a small stool. As far as I'm concerned, that's a huge over reaction. I did not say this to him. He continued to shout and swear at me over the course of the evening until I eventually asked him what had I done? This sent him into a freak out, slamming doors, banging things, filthy looks and again, shouting and swearing at me. He went into the sitting room and stayed there for the evening and then slept in the spare room last night.

During the course of his shouting and swearing at me I said it wasn't fair to treat me like dirt by shouting and swearing at me. His response was "what about everything I do for you??" as if to say he can treat me like that because, like any couple, he does things for me and I do things for him (a lend of money when one is stuck, help with college work, that sort of normal compromise in any relationship).

The above on it's own may seem a small, silly thing to complain about but he has a meltdown like this at least once a month and they're becoming more frequent. We have had to replace glass in doors and windows, lots of furniture and other household items because he breaks these things in a temper.

Last weekend's freak out came when we headed into the city centre for some lunch. While driving by, we discovered the restaurant we normally eat in was closed. I mentioned to my boyfriend (because we couldn't read signs on the door from far away) that as we had eaten in there on a Sunday before that maybe it just hadn't opened for the day yet and we should take a short stroll down just to double check. He flew off the handle! Starting shouting at me on the street "why the **** don't you just listen, the place is ****ing closed, can I say nothing ****ing right, what is your ****ing problem". I stood there a bit shocked and asked him what was wrong, he said "do whatever you ****ing want, I don't ****ing care, go home for all I care". He stormed off and I followed him and after about 20 minutes of no conversation between us he was fine and asked did I want to walk down to the restaurant which we discovered was just changing to new Sunday opening hours and would open in 30 minutes.

My boyfriend never apologises for these outbursts. He just goes back to acting normal and expects me to just go along with it. If I mention how upset he'd made me he just goes ballistic again and ignores me. Aside from this behaviour, he is the nicest guy, do anything for anyone, has great friends and does really well in college. On the other hand, I find myself distracted worrying about his behaviour - for example, could his temper get worse? I also find myself walking on eggshells so as not to set him off - for example, when i get home in the evening from college I feel nervous about what his mood will be like, wondering if i'll have time to study or will i just spend the evening being shouted at.

We have no money problems, we have good social lives and we spend time apart doing our own interests.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to cope or what to do, just anything at all?

Stavro Mueller

Bluntly, you need to get out of there. As soon as you can. Do you have family or friends who can help you?

What you're describing are classic signs of domestic violence. Domestic violence tends to get worse as time goes on. In time it won't be a mop or some chairs that will be bearing the brunt of his fists - it will be you.

movingsucks

The above on it's own may seem a small, silly thing to complain about

ERM, not its not a small silly thing, it's a huge problem.
This man is smashing up your house and belongings and screaming at you over something the dog did.
That's not normal and its not right.
He needs anger management and as you're reading this you'll be too afraid to even suggest it to him so as scary as change is I'd be packing my bags and leaving if I were you.

visual

Your boyfriend needs help like anger management and or counseling. This something he will need to do himself and he won't realise that he needs help until it's too late.

Richy06

Like was said above, this is the beginnning of a terrible cycle, that unless it is dealt with and dealt with soon and properly, you will be miserable for years to come. He is lashing out at you because he feels there will be no reprecussions. And there aren't. You let him away with it and what, I'm sure, began as a little freakout here and there whilst drunk or something, has become a little more frequent and a lot worse in their content and emotion.

He either needs to go see a professional and deal with whatever is causing his anger issues, or you should leave him.

His behaviour is not befitting of that of a man who 'loves' you. Dressing you down like that in public with that kind of language and ferocity out of seemingly nowhere is unacceptable, OP. I don't care if he's just lost a million quid down the side of a bottomless sofa and lost his hand in an attempt to retrieve it, he shouldn't be taking it out on you: the person he's meant to care for the most. Sadly, with people who exhibit behaviour like this, it often manifests itself at it's worst with his loved ones. Does he have similar outburts with any of his family, which are similarly forgotten about and swept under the rug?

If it's not dealt with and dealt with soon you will fall into an ever worsening cycle of behaviour, which will be harder to deal with and a result save the relationship. I'm not of the mind to advise you to just drop everything and run, which is unpractical as you seem to want to fix the problem more than anything else. But if it gets any worse than it is and he looses control, things could get physical one day. If not, the emotional abuse can be even more damaging in the long run.

Please, OP, do yourself and your boyfriend a favour and make him reailise and face up to his issues, or make it clear to him that he will loose you. Don't settle for being placated or fobbed off, either. Make sure he follows through. Or else, for you own health, safety and future mental wellbeing, walk away.

Best of luck.

Little Acorn

Pretty much exactly what Cymbaline said. The next broken thing in that house could easily be your eye socket or jaw.
Get the hell out of there as quick as your feet can carry you!

Judging from what you said though, I worry about his reaction to your leaving. I think you should wait until you have several hours where he won't be there (possibly when he is in college), and you should get some male relatives or friends to come to your house so you can safely pack up all your belongings and get going before he's back. If he did show up, he mightn't be so brave when you have 3 or 4 lads there ready to defend you should he choose to turn nasty.

If you have financial ties to the house, explain your situation to the landlord and come to some agreement with them that can be managed with yourself separate from him.

Tell some friends what is happening and why you are leaving and please don't go back to him!

It might seem like an overreaction to some seeing as you have never mentioned him actually being physically violent towards you, and some people might try to argue that maybe the guy just has "anger issues" and needs to be helped. Maybe so, but you certainly shouldn't wait to find out "IF" if he might someday turn his violence to you. He clearly has issues, but if I was you I wouldn't be sticking around to find out to what extent his violence will go. It's no life to be living, walking around on eggshells fearful of the next outburst.

You've tried repeatedly to talk about the problem and he responds with aggressiveness. He's obviously not willing to change. Just get out now.

cantdecide

There's no skirting around this issue, OP. This is very serious. Put yourself in the reader's position here or imagine what you would be telling your sister to do if she were in this situation. What would your father do if he read what's above?

You know you would advise someone to run for the hills immediately. The very least is that something drastic has to happen one way or another. It sounds like these tantrums are ingrained in him and he sees you as complicit at this stage like a disobedient child sees it's mother. As long as you tolerate it, he has no reason to change. I'm very concerned that he may agree to change but that it amounts to a temporary situation.

OP, you're in the danger zone and you owe it to yourself to make sure you never have to face this again ever one way or another. You need to let him know that you're walking away unless this stops immediately and permanently but I would tell you OP, you must give serious thought to ending it now.

P. Breathnach

I'm scared for you, OP.

His anger seems extreme. It is often misdirected, aimed at you rather than the thing that triggers the outburst. He sees nothing wrong with treating you like that, presuming that he is entitled to do so. And it's becoming more frequent.

Sometimes a person in a difficult situation has difficulty in seeing how bad it is. I suspect that your post here is because it has suddenly struck you how really bad his behaviour has been. He is a domestic abuser, and it is your good fortune that it has not yet taken a violent turn. But emotional abuse is seriously bad stuff. You should never be afraid of one who claims to love you.

I'm of a mind with cymbaline: get out as fast as you can. Don't listen to promises that he will change his ways. That's pretty well the standard script for domestic abusers.

If he is ever to be a suitable partner for anybody, he needs a major professional intervention. This sort of thing can not be fixed in a week or two.

Richy06

Little Acorn wrote: »

Pretty much exactly what Cymbaline said. The next broken thing in that house could easily be your eye socket or jaw.
Get the hell out of there as quick as your feet can carry you!

Judging from what you said though, I worry about his reaction to your leaving. I think you should wait until you have several hours where he won't be there (possibly when he is in college), and you should get some male relatives or friends to come to your house so you can safely pack up all your belongings and get going before he's back. If he did show up, he mightn't be so brave when you have 3 or 4 lads there ready to defend you should he choose to turn nasty.

If you have financial ties to the house, explain your situation to the landlord and come to some agreement with them that can be managed with yourself separate from him.

Tell some friends what is happening and why you are leaving and please don't go back to him!

It might seem like an overreaction to some seeing as you have never mentioned him actually being physically violent towards you, and some people might try to argue that maybe the guy just has "anger issues" and needs to be helped. Maybe so, but you certainly shouldn't wait to find out "IF" if he might someday turn his violence to you. He clearly has issues, but if I was you I wouldn't be sticking around to find out to what extent his violence will go. It's no life to be living, walking around on eggshells fearful of the next outburst.

You've tried repeatedly to talk about the problem and he responds with aggressiveness. He's obviously not willing to change. Just get out now.

The knee jerk reaction advice dolled out here sometimes is unbelieveable. The OP has given no indication that her life is in any present mortal danger. I really don't think there is any need to just be scarpering out of there for no reason without even trying to converse with and deal with the problem at hand.

Now I stress, OP, if you feel like you would be in danger if and when you were to confront him about his issues, then maybe have a friend there with you or one of his or your family memebers - someone you trust implicitly - with you when you do confront him. But from what the OP says, her boyfriend has an anger problem. Bringing along some 'heavies' and just upping sticks with no explanation just seems a bit much, given what information the OP has offered thus far.

CaraMay

Richy06 wrote: »

I really don't think there is any need to just be scarpering out of there for no reason without even trying to converse with and deal with the problem at hand.

The Op said this 'If I mention how upset he'd made me he just goes ballistic again and ignores me' so how do you suggest she converses with him? He wont talk to her. He loses it again. This guy is a thug.

Op, love is blind and this is not a nice guy. He is a nasty guy. You cant relax going back to your own home in the evening as you dont know what mood he will be in.

He is verbally abusive for no reason and now he is destroying your home. How far does this need to go for you to cop on?

Big Bag of Chips

The fact that you are afraid to bring this up should be warning enough that you are not in a healthy relationship.

Nobody should be afraid of their partner. That's not what a relationship is about.

So if you can't talk to him, calmly, without him flying into a rage and smashing up the house then you have a huge problem.

It's seems to becoming more frequent, and more aggressive. Do you still want to be tip-toeing around him in 20 years time, with the stress of life & possibly kids added into the mix?

You either bring it up and make him realise he is completely out of order and needs to sort himself out.... If you can't do that, then you don't have many other options...

Edit: You say they are happening once a month.. but he had one last night over the dog, and he had one last Sunday over the restaurant. That's 2 in one week... You are in a dangerous position of making excuses for him. You are accepting his behaviour, so why would he change?

cantdecide

Don't leave him with the dogs either. I would be very concerned for them too.

Little Acorn

cantdecide wrote: »

There's no skirting around this issue, OP. This is very serious. Put yourself in the reader's position here or imagine what you would be telling your sister to do if she were in this situation. What would your father do if he read what's above?

You know you would advise someone to run for the hills immediately. The very least is that something drastic has to happen one way or another. It sounds like these tantrums are ingrained in him and he sees you as complicit at this stage like a disobedient child sees it's mother. As long as you tolerate it, he has no reason to change. I'm very concerned that he may agree to change but that it amounts to a temporary situation.

OP, you're in the danger zone and you owe it to yourself to make sure you never have to face this again ever one way or another. You need to let him know that you're walking away unless this stops immediately and permanently but I would tell you OP, you must give serious thought to ending it now.

I would be of the same opinion to the sentence in bold. Sometimes when you read these stories of people who are actually dealing with HAVING serious anger issues, they are extremely ashamed of their behaviour, ashamed and even fearful of their own behaviour. They want their bad temper to end and are actively seeking advice on how they can stop their over the top temper in some way.

However I wouldn't trust this guy at all. The op has TOLD him how much he is hurting her, has told him it's not fair, so he knows exactly what he is doing and the effect he is having, but how does he choose to respond? Not even a simple frickin apology! Just goes on acting like normal, and "goes ballistic" with her if she dares question his behaviour again.
He shows no remorse whatsoever for these violent outbursts he is having once a month, so I wouldn't trust any false remorse he may try to feign if the op leaves him.

Little Acorn

Richy06 wrote: »

The knee jerk reaction advice dolled out here sometimes is unbelieveable. The OP has given no indication that her life is in any present mortal danger. I really don't think there is any need to just be scarpering out of there for no reason without even trying to converse with and deal with the problem at hand.

Now I stress, OP, if you feel like you would be in danger if and when you were to confront him about his issues, then maybe have a friend there with you or one of his or your family memebers - someone you trust implicitly - with you when you do confront him. But from what the OP says, her boyfriend has an anger problem. Bringing along some 'heavies' and just upping sticks with no explanation just seems a bit much, given what information the OP has offered thus far.

Just to be clear I'm not suggesting any "heavies" assault or even threaten the guy. I was only suggesting them because the op is clearly very afraid of her boyfriend, and if he is the type to smash up house items over a dog ripping a chew toy, then I would be afraid of him too. I was suggesting their presence to hopefully deter another aggressive outburst from him so that the op can feel safe.

You even agree yourself that she feels like she is in danger she should bring someone along, from her saying

"I find myself distracted worrying about his behaviour - for example, could his temper get worse? I also find myself walking on eggshells so as not to set him off - for example, when i get home in the evening from college I feel nervous about what his mood will be like, wondering if i'll have time to study or will i just spend the evening being shouted at."

it sounds like she feels in danger to me.

Look I can see where you are coming from too though, normally I'm not so "knee jerk" with my responses. I do believe in people getting counselling and trying to change their behaviour. And I would fully support somebody who genuinely wanted to better them self. But for the reasons I gave in my last post, this guy doesn't seem willing to change. Maybe her leaving will be the kick up the arse he needs to get himself some help, but as it stands for now, he hasn't shown an ounce of remorse for his actions. I just don't trust people who have no remorse.

LegacyUser

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply.

I'd just like to respond to some of the points raised.

My boyfriend doesn't really drink (he has drank 3 times since Paddy's Day last year) so none of this has escalated from a drinking session gotten out of hand. One of things that makes me respect my boyfriend so much is the fact that he doesn't drink, as my father has a serious problem with alcohol.

I'd just like to add something to my original post. I've noticed that our dogs have become afraid of him (obviously) but I've also noticed that they've become overly protective of me. If I am sitting at the kitchen table, for example, and my boyfriend walks into the room, they come over and sit in front of me in a very defensive pose, most unlike them. I'm worried about the effect my boyfriend's behaviour will have on the dogs, I don't want them to ever attack him thinking they are protecting me.

Packing my bags and leaving isn't as simple as some of you make it sound. I am not making up excuses for not leaving but you should all be able to understand that it's not as simple as packing up your stuff and moving into a new place. My family live far away and I don't really get on with them (down to my father's alcohol problems). The few friends that I feel I could truly rely on in a situation like this have kids and I really couldn't impose, along with the two dogs.

We have managed one or two civilised conversations about it in the past and he went to see someone but he was unable to make one or two appointments due to college commitments and then he just never went back. Do any of you think that if he went back to counselling that it would get any better? When he was seeing someone he improved tenfold.

I did say that these outbursts are getting more frequent, it used to be just once a month but they're coming more and more often now. I've found that they have increased since about a month after he stopped seeing the counsellor.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him and I am taking on board what all of you are saying but I would prefer to try to sort things out instead of just walking away. I just want to be clear, he has never raised his hands to me but I do understand what you are all saying about the level of violence he is showing so far.

CaraMay

But you said money is no issue so why not move into a house share??? What cost do you put on your safety?

If he doesn't keep up the counseling he is unlikely to be 'cured' by counseling. He won't listen and he won't change so you either stay with him and put up with it or move out.

If the dogs instinct is to be scared of him and to protect you then that says a lot.

It doesn't look like you will listen to any if the advice. Was his father abusive to him? If so, drink or no drink, the apple has not fallen far from the tree.

cantdecide

lonelyinlove wrote: »

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply.

I'd just like to respond to some of the points raised. He has refused to maintain going to counselling. He refuses to better himself for you.

My boyfriend doesn't really drink (he has drank 3 times since Paddy's Day last year) so none of this has escalated from a drinking session gotten out of hand. One of things that makes me respect my boyfriend so much is the fact that he doesn't drink, as my father has a serious problem with alcohol.

I'd just like to add something to my original post. I've noticed that our dogs have become afraid of him (obviously) but I've also noticed that they've become overly protective of me. If I am sitting at the kitchen table, for example, and my boyfriend walks into the room, they come over and sit in front of me in a very defensive pose, most unlike them. I'm worried about the effect my boyfriend's behaviour will have on the dogs, I don't want them to ever attack him thinking they are protecting me.

Packing my bags and leaving isn't as simple as some of you make it sound. I am not making up excuses for not leaving but you should all be able to understand that it's not as simple as packing up your stuff and moving into a new place. My family live far away and I don't really get on with them (down to my father's alcohol problems). The few friends that I feel I could truly rely on in a situation like this have kids and I really couldn't impose, along with the two dogs.

We have managed one or two civilised conversations about it in the past and he went to see someone but he was unable to make one or two appointments due to college commitments and then he just never went back. Do any of you think that if he went back to counselling that it would get any better? When he was seeing someone he improved tenfold.

I did say that these outbursts are getting more frequent, it used to be just once a month but they're coming more and more often now. I've found that they have increased since about a month after he stopped seeing the counsellor.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him and I am taking on board what all of you are saying but I would prefer to try to sort things out instead of just walking away. I just want to be clear, he has never raised his hands to me but I do understand what you are all saying about the level of violence he is showing so far.

If anything, all of the above advice applies all the more.

So what if he doesn't drink. Lots of guys out there don't drink but don't fly into furious rages either. Stop defending him. The dogs are more at risk of him than vice versa. This is the time to consider your feelings and forget about his.

In principle, if you can't say you won't be relieved to be out of that environment, you need to work it out. You shouldn't stay because you might impose on someone. Would they rather you get a black eye?

Chronic Button

Your partner is violent and verbally and emotionally abusive and you are afraid of him.

What on earth are you doing?

CaraMay

Btw even if I had 10 kids under 10, if a friend of mine was in danger like you are she would have a bed in my house for as long as she wanted. Don't underestimate your friends but do talk to them.

LegacyUser

Saying that he doesn't drink was in response to an earlier comment by someone who suggested that these rages had spilled over from drinking. I wasn't defending him. I was explaining that drink is not a factor.

No, his father was not abusive to him and neither was his mother. He grew up in a very loving home.

Little Acorn

lonelyinlove wrote: »

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply.

I'd just like to respond to some of the points raised.

My boyfriend doesn't really drink (he has drank 3 times since Paddy's Day last year) so none of this has escalated from a drinking session gotten out of hand. One of things that makes me respect my boyfriend so much is the fact that he doesn't drink, as my father has a serious problem with alcohol.

I'd just like to add something to my original post. I've noticed that our dogs have become afraid of him (obviously) but I've also noticed that they've become overly protective of me. If I am sitting at the kitchen table, for example, and my boyfriend walks into the room, they come over and sit in front of me in a very defensive pose, most unlike them. I'm worried about the effect my boyfriend's behaviour will have on the dogs, I don't want them to ever attack him thinking they are protecting me.

Packing my bags and leaving isn't as simple as some of you make it sound. I am not making up excuses for not leaving but you should all be able to understand that it's not as simple as packing up your stuff and moving into a new place. My family live far away and I don't really get on with them (down to my father's alcohol problems). The few friends that I feel I could truly rely on in a situation like this have kids and I really couldn't impose, along with the two dogs.

We have managed one or two civilised conversations about it in the past and he went to see someone but he was unable to make one or two appointments due to college commitments and then he just never went back. Do any of you think that if he went back to counselling that it would get any better? When he was seeing someone he improved tenfold.

I did say that these outbursts are getting more frequent, it used to be just once a month but they're coming more and more often now. I've found that they have increased since about a month after he stopped seeing the counsellor.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him and I am taking on board what all of you are saying but I would prefer to try to sort things out instead of just walking away. I just want to be clear, he has never raised his hands to me but I do understand what you are all saying about the level of violence he is showing so far.

Hi OP,

I didn't mean to sound flippant when I suggested that you should just pack up and leave. I know it is definitely not an easy thing to do, but from your first post I felt like you were in danger and it would be best to advise you to just go quickly. I'm sure a friend wouldn't mind you staying for a couple of weeks until you found another affordable place to rent/share. There are also organisations who could offer you advice and maybe help you out in some way if it was the case where you were fearful in your home but had nowhere to go.

Again from your first post, it came across that he had never once
apologised or made any attempt to change because you never mentioned that he had tried counselling before, just that he went crazy whenever you questioned how he was acting. It is good that he went to counselling but I have to ask how did it come about? In the conversations you had beforehand had you threatened to leave him and did he just go to get you off his back? Or did he go because he actually acknowledged that he has a problem, and genuinely wanted to change? If he has acknowledged that he has a serious problem, has expressed remorse and actually WANTS to change then that is a very good step.

However, he doesn't seem to have been very committed to it really, seeing as he just stopped going to his counsellor and you said he actually got worse after stopping going!
If he was really committed to change and wasn't just trying to just shut you up, then surely he would have continued going to the counsellor and not actually escalated his bad behaviour? (college stuff explains him missing 2 sessions, what is his excuse for stopping to go altogether?)

I'd love to tell you that "yes, if he goes back to counselling he will change and everything will get better" but just going from what you've said so far, you have tried all you can do to fix this relationship by supporting him in going to counselling, but he has kinda just thrown it all back in your face by not even bothering his arse to continue going and actually increasing his outbursts.

It just seems like you are the one doing all the work trying to fix things, and he is just not committed at all to changing. If he went back to counselling it would have to be because he actually wanted to change himself.

I personally think you should leave him to sort out his issues, because it seems like you have already tried your best to no avail, and he is affecting your life in a very negative way.

Maybe sometime in the future when he commits to the counselling he might improve, but I think it is something he needs to do on his own and I don't feel you should have to wait around to see if he might 'someday' sort himself out.

I know though that me an anonymous stranger on the internet saying to leave him will probably fall on deaf ears. (after all I'm just giving my personal opinion you are the one there so might feel differently)
I would just say though that if you are going to give him another chance with the counselling, make it his last chance.
Either he commits 100% to it and actually PROVES to you that he has changed or you are out of there for good. And I really mean he needs to prove it, empty words and promises mean nothing.

Because on the surface at least it looks like he just went to a few sessions with a counsellor to shut you up, and that he still doesn't want to actually change. Actions speak louder than words.

wotsit

cantdecide wrote: »

Don't leave him with the dogs either. I would be very concerned for them too.

Absolutely agree, in fact when I read your post OP, it occurred to me that he had hit the dogs , bring the dogs with you when you leave. You say it's not that simple to just pack up and leave, it really is, I did it twenty years ago with three children and there were very little support services available, not like there are now.
It was a dark lonely frightening time, I honestly can say it was the best decision I ever made, and I ended the ''walking on eggshells'' existence right there and then. Also, the minute I was away from the situation it became more and more clear to me that I was slowly losing my own empowerment by making excuses for his behaviour. It took time to regain my self confidence, but if I hadn't left I would have been enabling his abuse. He was the sweetest guy at times, but I got worn out wondering every time I had to go back to the house what kind of mood he was going to be in. Exhausting and it subtly wears you down.

Tweny years on he is alone after three more failed relationships with a child from each one , none of which he supports.

Best of luck

Roisy7

OP I am concerned by what you say, you were happy that he didn't drink after your experiences with your father and alcohol. But just cos he doesn't drink doesn't mean he can't be abusive.

However he sees fit to behave like this stone cold sober?!

Very very worrying. This is an abusive relationship. It may not be physically abusive, but you are afraid of him. And so are the dogs, amazing creatures with highly developed instincts. Ye should all be out of there.

I know you love him but you can't change him, he has to want to change. Honestly you are worth more than this rubbish. Why should ANYONE be spoken to like he has spoken to you? Reassert your dignity and leave.

Typer Monkey

Absolutely nobody would get away with roaring, f'ing and blinding at me at home or in the street. When he shouted at you on the street you ran after him and then tolerated 20 minutes of silent treatment and then no apology or discussion about his behaviour. You need to rediscover your self respect OP. noone with healthy levels of self esteem would tolerate being treated like that.

The cheek of him!

Why would you want to be in a relationship where you are nervous about the potential emotional abuse that awaits you everytime you turn your key in the door?

You are in a seriously unhealthy relationship OP and I think you know it

username123

We are all treated as we allow ourselves to be treated. Someone who is a domestic abuser slowly escalates unacceptable behaviour and the victim in the situation normalises it and meanwhile it continues to progress while self esteem is eroded and normality is warped.

If your boyfriend had behaved like this to you after one or two dates you would have dumped him and not looked back. Because you have invested time and have a long standing relationship and he has slowly escalated the bad behaviour, you are putting up with it.

Everytime you stand up for yourself he bullies you further and escalates the abusive behaviour.

Lets be very clear here, smashing up furniture, screaming at someone for hours on end, flying into rages and you being afraid of what awaits you each evening is NOT NORMAL behaviour. You are in a situation of domestic abuse and because it has been ongoing for some time you have normalised what is not normal.

You need to work out an exit strategy here, figure out how to get out of the living situation you are in. If there are joint accounts you need to disentangle them. If you are renting then you need to look at finding somewhere else to rent. Above all else you must tell people close to you, friends you trust, what is going on. You need to be supported, you are the victim of domestic abuse. I would also advise you to contact womens aid or similar to get some advice on how to get out of this situation with minimal risk to yourself.

Please be careful, someone with this level of temper is dangerous.

Table Top Joe

I dont want to go into too much detail but your boyfriend sounds an awful lot like my Dad,i spent my life walking on eggshells around him until i left home,first thing i used to do when getting in the front door for years was to look at him and see what his mood was,its a horrible way to live(as you no doubt know)


He never,ever got physical with anyone,it was always just ranting and raving with him,that was enough though,he had/has a foul temper and loses it over the most ridiculous,trivial things(its why im one of the most mellow,laidback people you could ever meet,ive had enough drama for 10 people without adding anymore)


Your comment about how he loses it then acts as if nothing happened is what set alarms bells off for me and inspired me to post,this is exactly what my Dad does,he just thinks this is how he is and theres nothing wrong(or bloody weird)about ranting and raving like a lunatic for half an hour and laughing and joking an hour later like nothing happened



Hes in his 60s now and while hes mellowed a little bit its still there,i confronted him about this a few weeks ago when he asked why my sister was so pissed off with him and i told him pretty much what ive said above,basically "you need to stop losing your temper every two minutes for no reason".......his reaction was......to lose his temper with me! i honestly didnt know whether to laugh or cry at this,he is impossible,hes my Dad and i love him but hes incredibly difficult,hes turned nearly everyone in his life away at this point through his behaviour



You need to tell(demand whatever)your boyfriend seeks help for his temper,if he doesnt you need to get the hell out,easy for me to say here granted but your better off losing 4 years than 20 or 30,dont end up thinking to yourself at 50 "why did i waste the last 20 years(or whatever)with this guy?",my Dad wont seek help(maybe its his age i dont know)


My Dad can be great,has a very warm,charming side but his temper and attitude made life unbearable at times,please dont put up with this,it wouldnt be easy leaving but you deserve to be able to walk in your front door without thinking "oh Christ what kind of mood is he in?"

Big Bag of Chips

lonelyinlove wrote: »

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to cope or what to do, just anything at all?

Plenty of replies offering advice.. but yet you are making excuses, even if you think you are not.

CaraMay

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Plenty of replies offering advice.. but yet you are making excuses, even if you think you are not.

Agreed.

Op it's not a good sign when people on the Internet are more concerned about your welfare than your boyfriend is. Sorry....

Neyite

OP, Women's Aid - please call them. This is verbal and emotional abuse and most definitely Domestic abuse. I am pasting the information below for you but also for the benefit others who may read this thread.
What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is where one person tries to control and assert power over their partner in an intimate relationship. It can be physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse or financial abuse. In the majority of cases it is perpetrated by men and experienced by women. Any woman can be affected and it can happen in any home. There may be warning signs that your relationship is abusive.

What is physical abuse?
Physical abuse is perhaps the most recognisable form of abuse. It can result in physical injury, and in some cases it can be life threatening. It doesn't always leave visible marks or scars. Having your hair pulled or an egg thrown at you is domestic violence too. Don't underestimate what is happening to you. Over time it often gets worse.

It includes:

• being pushed
• being punched and slapped.
• being beaten with sticks, golf clubs, hurley sticks, hammers and belts.
• being stabbed with knives or broken glass.
• being gagged to stop the screams during physical assaults.
• being spat and urinated on.
• being bitten severely, being pulled by the hair.
• being beaten and raped while pregnant, being thrown down the stairs while pregnant.
• having your head banged off walls and car dashboards.

What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is a highly effective means of establishing a power imbalance within a relationship. It is often unseen or intangible to those outside the relationship. Emotional abuse is as harmful as physical violence. It often involves threats of and actual physical or sexual abuse.

It includes:

• being put down
• being constrantly criticised
• being constantly controlled and monitored by the use of technology: including their phone use being checked and recorded; their mobile phone logs being checked and having all text messages read; abusers using spyware to read emails and secretly installing cameras in the house.
• threats by the abuser to kill women, the children, members of women's family, or himself, including details of how and when he will do it.
• property being destroyed including their cars, furniture, clothes, and home.
• being referred to using derogatory language including calling women 'it', 'bitch'.
• being trapped as the abuser takes their car keys, empties the petrol from their cars, and steals or smashes phones so women cannot seek assistance.
• never being left on their own; women being followed room to room; being accompanied to all outside activities.

What is sexual abuse?
Where there is a dynamic of control and abuse in an intimate relationship, the likelihood of sexual coercion and abuse is high. It is harder for women who are being abused by their partner to negotiate a free and equal sexual relationship with that partner.

It includes:

• being repeatedly raped and beaten; being forcibly stripped and raped; being told that it is their duty to have sex with the abuser.
• being raped in front of the children.
• being raped when particularly physically vulnerable, e.g., directly following childbirth.
• Sexual degradation including the enforced use of graphic and hardcore pornography.

What is financial abuse?
Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence in which the abuser uses money as a means of controlling his partner. It is a tactic that abusers use to gain power and dominance over their partners and is designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. By controlling the woman's access to financial resources the abuser ensures that she will be forced to choose between staying in an abusive relationship and facing extreme poverty.

It includes:

• Controlling the family finances
• Not being allowed to have independent income
• Having to account for all purchases including providing receipts and account for all spending.
• Not being allowed to buy personal items such as tampons and sanitary towels.
• Taking all of the woman's bank cards and emptying joint accounts.
• Non-payment or erratic payment of child maintenance.
• Women's signatures being forged on cheques.
• Withholding money because women do not want to have sex.
• Denying money for food for women and the children and money to pay household bills.
• Using the recession to justify the abuse.

You especially do not need to be ticking off many on these lists to be in an abusive relationship. Even a few of them is too much. You need to make plans to leave - if that means asking a friend /researching kennel facilities for your dogs until you get settled so be it. If you love your dogs, then be guided by their instincts - they think he is dangerous, and they would be right.

strandroad

OP, leave him and take the dogs. You tried to talk but he ignores you and escalates, what else can you do? Next time what you find in your garden will be your dog's body as he kicks them in his rage. This guy does not control himself.

Magicmatilda

You seem adament that you don't want to leave. Which is your decision but you are posting on a public Internet forum looking for advice so you are not happy.

I would suggest that you seek counselling for yourself. You admit you are walking on eggshells and that you are scared if him. He treats you awfully but at the end of the day you put up with it. Maybe you need to sit down with someone and look at why you are allowing this. Or at least look at the various options which you have. Maybe help you build up the confidence to broach the issue with him again. You may have issues stemming from growing up in an alcoholic home. Was your father a violent alcoholic? Some are not, some are just annoying.

Also you should talk to a friend about it. After all they know both you and him. We don't. So maybe get their advice. If you are not willing to tell a friend then ask yourself why? Are you ashamed? Surely if your friend was having man trouble you would want her to talk to you. So that's another thing to think about.

I wish you all the best.

brenglee

Do you want to have a lifetime of walking on eggshells in case you say or do the wrong thing? Just because he is not actually being violent to you physically,doesn't mean its any less abusive.
don't waste any more time with him. Get out of the relationship and stay out,you will need to be very strong as he is going to want you to stay,but you know yourself its not healthy or you wouldn't be asking the question.
It may be only a matter of time before he hits you.
If you had kids with him,they would be subject to these outbursts too.

brenglee

If the dogs are wary of him,that tells you a lot. He could be kicking them or shouting at them and scaring them when you are not there. You are going to destroy your own life and any potential childrens lives by being in this dysfunctional relationship.
Or you could wait until he beats the crap out of you,or the dogs,then forgive him a few times,till he beats you to a pulp and you end up dead or he ends up in jail.
Dont think it cant happen, cos it happened to a relative of mine. Started like yours and it ended up like this.::
She almost died,he ended up in jail for 4 years. Her kids are f**ked up big time. (And take the poor dogs with you when you cop on and leave)

Neyite

OP, I can understand not wanting to leave just yet. For many victims in abusive relationships the realisation process is gradual. So, if you are not ready to leave him yet, please do the following.

Talk to someone in Womens Aid. They absolutely will not judge you for staying, but will give you valuable tips on how to stay safe,and support you while you stay with him.
Have a think about a bolt-hole for you and your pets, should you need it. It may be a friend, it may be a relative, it may be that you need to house your pets with a trusty person or kennel while you stay elsewhere. But have a plan in place.

Some women leave a stash of clothes with friends or family, along with things like passports, birth certificates, even personal irreplaceable possessions you have since he has a talent for destruction. Put a spare car key and a sum of cash or bank card that gives you access to emergency cash in it - enough for a flat deposit and rent in advance and living expenses.

Educate yourself on the cycle of abuse. Educate yourself on abusers. Often recommended book is "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and "The vebally abusive man, can he change?" by Patricia Evans. (available on Kindle and Audio which may be more discreet) It goes without saying that you should not keep these books at home. You may be able to read them in your local library or keep it in your desk at work.

Lollipops23

Neyite wrote: »

So, if you are not ready to leave him yet, please do the following.

Everything Neyite says is excellent advice.

OP, I also believe you should leave, but understand it's not always that easy.

Please please please make yourself an emergency action plan for a situation where you need to leave fast.

Unfortunately he has proved a LOT that he his prone to violent behaviour. Maybe this won't translate into violence towards you, but why on earth take that chance? Even a fraction of what you mentioned is perfect grounds for ending a relationship.

Even if he wasn't breaking stuff and trashing your home, the sulking and snapping and blaming you for stuff is emotional abuse. This is still abuse.

I can't give you more advice than what's already posted, but please take some action now.

P. Breathnach

The dogs see your problem; strangers on the internet see your problem; you see the problem yourself.

The concern of many people here is that you seem unwilling to take the step necessary to protect yourself - getting out.

Wotsit has posted something that you should consider:

wotsit wrote: »

... Also, the minute I was away from the situation it became more and more clear to me that I was slowly losing my own empowerment by making excuses for his behaviour...

It looks to me as if that is what is happening to you. You are now in the position where you can not stand up to him and say that his behaviour is unacceptable to you. Nobody who is living with another person in a supposedly-loving relationship should be unable to say "I don't like what you are doing".

He has done that to you.

It is extremely unlikely that you can undo that while still living with him.

carolinespring

Pack a bag, put the dogs on a lead, open the front door and walk out and don't look back. Of course it is going to be hard to leave and start again but if you stay your life is going to be very hard and you deserve so much more.

Put a plan in place and get the hell out NOW.

Wishing you all the luck in the world but please leave, he won't change and you can't change him. It will just keep on getting worse.

deisemum

lonelyinlove wrote: »

We have managed one or two civilised conversations about it in the past and he went to see someone but he was unable to make one or two appointments due to college commitments and then he just never went back. Do any of you think that if he went back to counselling that it would get any better? When he was seeing someone he improved tenfold.

That to me screams he only went to see someone until he could get you to where he wanted you and then used college commitments to stop the charade. If he genuinely wanted to sort out his abusive ways he'd have continued going or would have made further appointments after the college commitments were dealt with.

Now he's worse than ever and as for him improving tenfold when he was seeing someone just shows a case of a leopard not changing his spots as he's reverted to form.

He's had his chance back then yet his abusive behaviour has escalated.

It’s like a frog being boiled in a pot, if you heat up the water slowly, the frog doesn’t jump out where as if you put a frog straight into boiling water it'll jump out.

anmhi02

Oh good god please get the hell out of there before you end up as another statistic....clearly he is showing signs which are only going to get worse. Please please please get out of there and go somewhere safe. Good luck to you

Overheal

There are some risks involved to leaving. You need to be prepared for them. In a domestic abuse situation when people leave it never tends to be that easy. You might disappear, and take the dogs, but most abusers don't leave it at that. They'll try to find out where you are and try to reestablish control. You should plan to leave, but have a plan. I have very little information with Irish law, but I know a girl I work with who escaped with their dog from her abusive relationship with the help of a restraining order, and Im sure that's only the half of it.

I'm sure your boyfriend is not a beacon of pure evil or anything, but it's clear he has some severe anger management issues; problems coping with stress, or properly expressing emotion. When a dog destroys a toy, destroying half of the kitchen in response is not a rational response, it is in fact completely irrational. Evidently he never learned to cope with his emotions or talk out his problems and I'm guessing he doesn't spend a whole lot of time talking to you about such things either (stresses, fears, worries, doubts, etc). Unfortunately though this problem has perpetuated with him for so long that he's gone well past the line where he needs professional help, which is also past the point where it would be reasonably safe for someone to try and help him develop those skills in a relationship setting. Rather, like you say you're walking on eggshells: trying to have some type of talk or emotional breakthrough with him on an intimate level is a lot less likely, at this point, than a violent outburst is. It's dangerous. He's already emotionally abusing you and as time progresses the probability that it elevates to physical abuses is invariably approaching 1. I can only imagine, if you got pregnant with his child for instance, what that might do to his emotional state, let alone what kind of irreparable damage he might do.

I'm sure you care for him but he's too far gone. He needs help. He can turn his life around but he needs to be the one to do it. You meanwhile, have to get out.

Neyite

OP, Counselling almost never works with these guys. For the ones that it does work for, its only as a result of them losing their relationship for good, or because they finally got arrested, and only then has counselling worked when the abuser genuinely wanted to change and commited to years of counselling.

Couples counselling is a bad idea in this situation, it is usually not recommended. Mainly because its to an abusers advantage to pretend to open up so that you in turn open up about how you feel. This is then used as leverage in an argument, or you get "punished" for it at a later date.

I know you and every other person who has had a relationship like this focus on the good times, and believe that to be the real person, but unfortunately the real person is the one who destroyed your home. The cycle of abuse shows that it never ends.

Here is what is going to happen next if you stay. He will be apologetic, he may cry and tell you that it was work that caused his behaviour or that the dogs are stressful, or the house is too small for you all or some other excuse that absolves him for his behaviour.

Next is the honeymoon phase - this is the one that convinces us to stay because we want to believe that this is the real "him"- its wonderful, he is gentle and kind and thoughtful etc etc...But it NEVER lasts.

Soon after, tension starts to build, he will get picky, and snappy, if you do something it will annoy him, if you do nothing, it will annoy him. You'll walk around on eggshells until he erupts, and then the Incident phase begins again.

Over time, the honeymoon phase shortens so the tension and the violence is more frequent, because as much as you want to believe that the honeymoon phase is the default "him" its not. The angry one is.

By destroying possessions, he is keeping you in line. What he is saying when he breaks things is that he does not need to hit you to keep you in line - you get the message loud and clear when he trashes the house.

Stavro Mueller

The sheer menace that's coming through in your posts is disturbing. Aside from yourself, I would worry about what he might do to the dogs. The worrying thing here is that despite your boyfriend going for counselling he got worse. And he stopped going. Those actions demonstrate clearly that he doesn't want to change his ways. Stop excusing his behaviour and saying he's the sweetest man ever when he's not breaking doors, windows, chairs...

I also feel sick at the thoughts of you staying together and bringing children into this environment. This guy is a vicious violent controlling thug who is steadily destroying you and every ounce of your self worth. No relationship is worth that. Get out as soon as possible and don't look back.

Zen65

lonelyinlove wrote: »

I've noticed that our dogs have become afraid of him (obviously) but I've also noticed that they've become overly protective of me. If I am sitting at the kitchen table, for example, and my boyfriend walks into the room, they come over and sit in front of me in a very defensive pose, most unlike them. I'm worried about the effect my boyfriend's behaviour will have on the dogs, I don't want them to ever attack him thinking they are protecting me.

OP, I share the concern expressed by others here, and I would urge you to read Neyite's advice again, as it really has hit the nail on the head. You have trained yourself to rationalise this relationship, and this man's behaviour, as if it is simply a minor issue. It's not.

I think you have misunderstood the reaction of your dogs. I do not think they are moving near to you to protect you. They are moving near to you to be protected by you, because they fear him. It's very likely this fear has arisen from his behaviour towards them when you're not around. Could you ever see yourself having children with this man, and being comfortable to leave the kids with him?

Be at peace,


Z

mood

lonelyinlove wrote: »

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply.

I'd just like to respond to some of the points raised.

My boyfriend doesn't really drink (he has drank 3 times since Paddy's Day last year) so none of this has escalated from a drinking session gotten out of hand. One of things that makes me respect my boyfriend so much is the fact that he doesn't drink, as my father has a serious problem with alcohol.

I'd just like to add something to my original post. I've noticed that our dogs have become afraid of him (obviously) but I've also noticed that they've become overly protective of me. If I am sitting at the kitchen table, for example, and my boyfriend walks into the room, they come over and sit in front of me in a very defensive pose, most unlike them. I'm worried about the effect my boyfriend's behaviour will have on the dogs, I don't want them to ever attack him thinking they are protecting me.

Packing my bags and leaving isn't as simple as some of you make it sound. I am not making up excuses for not leaving but you should all be able to understand that it's not as simple as packing up your stuff and moving into a new place. My family live far away and I don't really get on with them (down to my father's alcohol problems). The few friends that I feel I could truly rely on in a situation like this have kids and I really couldn't impose, along with the two dogs.

We have managed one or two civilised conversations about it in the past and he went to see someone but he was unable to make one or two appointments due to college commitments and then he just never went back. Do any of you think that if he went back to counselling that it would get any better? When he was seeing someone he improved tenfold.

I did say that these outbursts are getting more frequent, it used to be just once a month but they're coming more and more often now. I've found that they have increased since about a month after he stopped seeing the counsellor.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him and I am taking on board what all of you are saying but I would prefer to try to sort things out instead of just walking away. I just want to be clear, he has never raised his hands to me but I do understand what you are all saying about the level of violence he is showing so far.

It is. Check out daft. Arrange to view a few shared houses (cheaper then living alone). Pay a deposit and months rent and move in asap. A friend will most likely put you up until you can move into new place.

Unless you want a life of being abused and possible beat you will do this asap.

PS Don't even tell him you are leaving as leaving can be the most dangerous time for a woman in this situation. When he is out pack and go and leave a letter. Bring a friend when picking up any bits and pieces.

UrbanSea

I don't mean to sound a bit harsh, but what the hell are you doing still there? You need to get out of the house and put him out of your life-immediately.

Some good advice up there too, move out when he won't be there, bring a few male friends with you to the house. I could see him physically hurting you if you broke up with him face to face on your own.

jantheman91

I really cannot describe how baffled i am after reading this. How is whether to leave him even up for discussion? It's as clear as day. GTFO of there.

Geri Male, please keep replies helpful and read the forum charter. Thanks

meeeeh

+1 to what was already said but I'd like to add something. If you can't take dogs with you leave them there or put them into shelter. Firstly you owe it to yourself to walk away and be safe. Take dogs if you can but don't stay if you can't.

Sunshineboo

jantheman91 wrote: »

I really cannot describe how baffled i am after reading this. How is whether to leave him even up for discussion? It's as clear as day. GTFO of there.

Unfortunately its not that easy in a abusive relationship especially when you are half in denial about it. OP have you confided in any friends about this? can you go stay with friends and clear your head?

mood

Sunshineboo wrote: »

Unfortunately its not that easy in a abusive relationship especially when you are half in denial about it. OP have you confided in any friends about this? can you go stay with friends and clear your head?

Surely it's better to go for good rather than go to clear her head?

OP talk to friends, family and the college councillor about this if you do not have the courage to leave yet. They might give you some badly needed perspective.

Keep reminding your self that his behaviour is not normal and is very dangerous. Staying with him is not an option... do you really want to live you life like this and possible have a family with such a man (monster is a better word to describe him)? It could be only a matter of time before he get physically violent.

R.D. aka MR.D

The other posters are right OP you need to leave him.

Many years ago i posted in PI about my boyfriend who was calling me names and putting me down but then being super nice at other times. I got loads of responses and every one said that i needed to leave him. I didn't because i thought he would change. He didn't and it got worse. So bad i ended up in hospital because of him. I didn't even leave him after that!!!!!!!! I stayed another while.

I wish I hadn't. I wish i could have that time back to live my life without fear.

He had me feeling so low that I thought he was the only person who would ever love me. I was wrong about that too.

You deserve better. There is better out there for you.

it will be scary for a while but it will all be worth it.

Stop making excuses and just leave.