Children afraid of their father

Hannaho

My sister's childre are afraid of their father. They hate going o access. There are lots of issues when they go on access, but the father has intimidated them so much that they are afraid to speak up. For instance, my niece, aged 11 is afriad to text or phone her mother while she is there, as he does not like this - this wouldn't be texting all the time, but just if she has forgotten somethign or is sick. She is also afraid when her mother brings over stuff she has forgotten to her dad's house in case he thinks that she asked her mother to come over. My niece broke her headphones - a Christmas present from her dad - they were Aldi ones - and she wouldn't let her mother throw them out, as she was terrified to appear without them at her dad''s house the next time. Both of the children are afraid to say that that they have got a new book (huge readers), or any new clothes (one of them jumped two sizes since August) as there dad, and his partner, rant on about their mother spoiling them - which is absolutely not the case. My niece was so afraid of her father last weekend, that she would not letter her brother (10) use her mobile to text her mum re her brother being sick.

The relationship is long over between their mum and dad, but my sister is still receiving help for the emotional/psychological abuse, which hasn't ended with separation.

These children are at a very vulnerable age, and I am worried about them and about my sister. Any suggestions or advice would be really welcome - as it seems no one is listening to the children in this sitaution.

phelo2121

Was access granted by the courts? Was the abuse to your sister from her ex?

Hannaho

Hi! Phelo2121 - Yes, access was granted by the Court 9 years ago. There was only one incident of physical abuse - all the rest was threats and intimidation - the usual stuff - 'I'm going to get the ker ids', 'I'm going to prove you are unstable', telling lies to other people about my sister - saying that she feeds them crap and has no discipline - which couldn't be further from the truth - both children are doing brilliantly in school, and the reports accademically and from a social and behavioural point of view are all ecellent - they are truly lovely kids - even if I am, of course, a bit biased!

The intimidation is still happening - dragging my sister through the courts - if she is five mintues early, he is writing a solicitors letter, and if she is five minutes late. Going to Court to try and stop medical treatment and then giving in at the last moment - saying he will ruin my sister financially. He even tried contacting her employer through contacts of his and get my sister sacked. My sister is still attends counselling - a psychologist - to help her deal with all this - and this is nine years on!

phelo2121

Does your sister want something done about this also ie supervised access or ex.attending anger management? Do the kids express this fear openly? I would begin recorded any incidence of the ex s behavior and expression of children's fear, ask the children what they would like to happen ie do they still want to see their father, then present these issues to the judge or social worker if necessary, has your sister expressed these concerns to ex or is the relationship too hostile?

Hannaho

Yes, the children have epresssed their concerns to the social worker and psychologist - they cried in front of the pscychologist, told both him and the social workers that they were terrified of their dad - but stil were forced to visit him - my sister doesn't want the children to stop visiting their dad - just perhaps less time, and for the abuse to stop. There are also other issues at their dad's house, food and lack of, but their dad is very charming and seems to be able to fob everyone off. On the times the children have spoken to a social worker/psychologist, he has intimidated them into not speaking up. Now because of his intimidation and because they are still in the same place, with nothing being done, they are afraid to say anything else. The G.P. also has concerns re the children - as in their fear of their father, and the fact that my niece was caught looking at anoreia sites (she is slightly heavy, so not anoreic), but he is concerned that the lack of control in her life might lead her down this path i.e. that anorexia in girls is less about weight than having some control over their lives in a situation where they don't feel they have any. The psychologist that my sister attends, who only sees my sister and not her children, also has serious concerns re psychological/emotional damage to the children.

phelo2121

Would the gp write a letter regarding these concerns? Your sister should also email or write a letter of all concerns and any incidents to the social worker and perhaps the social workers team leader unfortunately sometimes when these issues are just talked about they may not be dealt with appropriately if the kids were open to also writing down concerns it what they'd like to change would also be very helpful copies of these letters should also be shown to judge! Social workers are completely overflowed with cases and for things to be done unfortunately a number of boxes need to be ticked so your sister will have to push the issue if she wants something to change!

username123

Hannaho wrote: »

but stil were forced to visit him - my sister doesn't want the children to stop visiting their dad - just perhaps less time, and for the abuse to stop.

This is the problem. As long as your sister is colluding to force the children to visit their father then this situation will continue. Surely she realises that the abuse wont just stop - its 9 years now since they broke up? Your sister is in denial and until she wants to help her children I dont really see there is much you personally can do.

I hear and read all the time here about how men are unable to do anything when women decide to deny access and it takes so long to go to court etc... There is even one poster who claims that he has given up trying to see his child because the courts favour the mother every time.

Hannaho

Username, 123, my sisiter is not colluding with the father. If she doesn't send the children, she will be in cotempt of court, and the court could transfer custody of the children. You might have heard the father's rights lobby go on and on about their rights, but in actual fact, it is all about father's rights there at the moment. What's forgotten is that children also have rights.

Phelo, thanks for the info re social workers. If you have any other suggestions, it would also be helpful. My sister's G.P. referred the children to social work, stating that a child psychologist had also advised this. The social workers refused to take on the case, saying they were too busy. My sister's G.P. stated that there was a potential sucide risk involved due to the abuse, but they still refused to take the case on, even when the G.P. said he wuold make a complaint. Any comments welcome.

phelo2121

Your sister will just have to keep sending letters of concern from herself and the gp and outline fear of sucide, if social workers don't listen then send to their team leader if they don't listen send to the monitoring officer someone will eventually listen or worry if anything happened it would be on their heads, just be persistent and fight yer corner! Good luck

username123

Hannaho wrote: »

If she doesn't send the children, she will be in cotempt of court, and the court could transfer custody of the children.

With respect, this is an extremely unlikely thing to happen, I have experience of a father unable to get custody for years when the mother was a known heroin addict who was prostituting herself to feed her habit.

Has your sister spoken to a solicitor herself regarding how best to enforce the childrens rights?

Diziet

Don't forget that as the children grow older the courts will listen to them more. She could apply to the court to vary the terms of access. She can safely ignore the solicitors letters for when she is 5 minutes early or late - no court is going to take custody away from her at thsi stage is the kids are well cared for and happy with her.

The thing to keep in mind is that his power is diminishing by the day. If the kids do not want to see him, keep every incident recorded with the authorities and go back to court to vary the access terms. Eventually, at 12 or 13, you simply can't make them comply. At some stage they will refuse to go and what is he going to do? Physically force them?

This happened to a good friend - her 12 year old daughter actually wrote to her dad sayi8ng he just made her upset and she no longer wanted to visit him. Her mother had encouraged contact but at that point said she was not going to force her. So it is up to the father to rebuild the relationship, whch he is doing, slowly. There was no court order in place in that case though.

ennis81

OMG your sister has my sincere sympathy, what a truly awful situation, I had to reply to your post as I was recently speaking to a solicitor friend of mine regarding these new changes to the constitution re children after the childrens referendum last yr, anyway she said that judges are now willng to listen to childrens wishes for children over 10, obviously there are some wicked women out there who are makning their children say they don't want to see there fathers for their own selfish reasons, but obviously there is cases like your sisters where access with their father is doing them damage, she should see a solicitor for her childrens sakes

The Reamer

Oh my gawd. This sounds like a desperate situation. If the father has a known history of abusive behavisour the mother then it is highly inappropriate that he should have access to the children.
It is obviously causing severe distress. Indeed, given the above account, I would even think it possible that the man is a danger to children.


Perhaps you could contact your solicitor and look into arrangments for withdrawing access and getting a restraining order on the basis of this abuse. Because that is what it is.

I don't know the legalitis of it but would there be some way of setting your childrens phones so that they record the audio without it being obvious by looking at the screen. Maybe some app exists. I know it might not be admissable in court, but at least you will find out what wretched things are happening behind closed doors.

I troubles me to say it but fearfulness, anxiousness and not wanting to go to be with another person bears many of the hallmarks of sexual abuse. Given that he is so manipulative, do you think it possible that he may have convinved them to stay quiet? Do the children have any physical marks or are their clothes ripped or damaged in any way?

I really hope you find some way of keeping this man away from your children as at this rate he will end up causing themm long term anxiety and depression issues.

Get legal help now.

I would also take the precautionary step of taking your children to a doctor or pediatrician to examine if pedophilia is playing a part in this.

XXX hun

jellyboy

I have a major problem with the content of this thread,
The op is giving a view thats tainted by her sisters experience,which from what is being written is also affecting the children,
children tend to try and please the dominant parent and go with what is being said

Nobody reading this thread has the full story or views,how it has ended up being a sexual abuse case goes beyond my thinking ..

its a very dangerous place to go
I hope all concerned can find a place of understanding for the betterment of all involved

LegacyUser

I advise your sister to go to court and demand a section 47 report is carried out, with the end report to be brought back before the court.

OUTOFSYNC

jellyboy wrote: »

I have a major problem with the content of this thread,
The op is giving a view thats tainted by her sisters experience,which from what is being written is also affecting the children,
children tend to try and please the dominant parent and go with what is being said

Nobody reading this thread has the full story or views,how it has ended up being a sexual abuse case goes beyond my thinking ..

its a very dangerous place to go
I hope all concerned can find a place of understanding for the betterment of all involved

I wholeheartedly agree with the above

The advice given in this thread, given that only part of one side of the story is known - is shocking.

Maybe the father is obnoxious - but maybe the mother is alienating the children - who knows.

But the one thing that strikes me is that except for Jellyboy not one poster has seriously considered the children and their well being