Marriage & my temper

LegacyUser

So, I'm less than a year married. My wife and I were going out with each other for almost 9 years before this.

The problem is my temper, or rather as my wife puts it the Jekyll and Hyde personality which is marked by this temper. I'm never physically violent; that has never been me. I walk away, always. Always, the trigger for my temper is her lateness and general chaos. I am always left waiting for her, and when we are late she stresses me out to get to our destination. This has been the case since forever: she's late, and I lose the plot.


Anyway, after the latest outburst we made up after four days. Last night she said to me "I love you so much, but something dies every time this happens". That last bit of sincerity hurt, and frightened me. But hurt most of all as her love is so beautiful, so pure, I don't want to destroy that, destroy her dreams, or lose that purity of love.

Would anybody have insight into how I could be a better guy here, or what I could do to avoid these sort of "blow-outs"? Thank you.

Roisy7

Dúlagar wrote: »

. Always, the trigger for my temper is her lateness and general chaos. I am always left waiting for her, and when we are late she stresses me out to get to our destination. This has been the case since forever: she's late, and I lose the plot.

This is the standout sentence for me. It's not your wife's fault. She has a character flaw, which she may or may not be able or willing to change. But the thing is you cannot control her or her lateness and disorganisation!

You can however control how you react to her. Why does it irritate you so? Is there anyway that you can help her along? Has she the burden of the housework, childminding anything like that? If ye are travelling, can you take the burden of booking flights etc, and have her just turn up, even if she has to put her clothes on in the car?!

Breathing exercises, counting to ten, visualisation, mindfulness are all helpful ways to control anger.

Don't let a relatively minor issue chip away at the love and respect in your marriage....

There have been stories in the past here about how people deal with other late people.
Leave her behind and go on your own, refuse to go altogether and let her be late on her own, etc. Order dinner without her if it's a meal. Do that a few times and she may not do it again.
But trigger or otherwise, your temper is your own doing, not hers. As poster above says, the only thing you can control is your reaction, not her lateness.
The only thing you can do is deal with it differently, decide you're going to take a course of action similar to above, deep breaths, the usual.

Neyite

Op, is she consistently late for work? or disorganised in her work? If she isnt, then she is partly to blame and needs to meet you halfway.

Having said that, I'm not sure I understand your temper - you say you walk away, yet you have an argument? Which is it? Can you give more details on how your temper gets lost and how you behave in an argument?

I am punctual or like to be early. My partner is not. I have learned to add an extra 40 mins onto whatever deadline I have so that he will be ready when we need to go. Can you do this?

If you feel that your temper is out of control, seek help. Find an anger management group and work on it. Is she afraid of you when you lose your temper? Dont be that man.

Whispered

OP I live with a late person too. I've seen him look at his phone when he's supposed to be somewhere and put it back in his pocket and continue with what he is doing.

People who don't live with someone who does this wouldn't understand how grinding it can be. It's not that the other person is late, it's that they are late every time and despite knowing it is important to you to be somewhere on time, they never make the effort. It can really cause relationship problems. Being consistently late is just very childish and you end up almost feeling like a parent trying to get their kid out the door.


He's not so bad now, since I explained that it wasn't just about being late, it was about not caring at all how awkward I feel walking into a function 2 hours after it started, or holding up a table of people who want to order their dinner etc.


We agreed that on nights out that I plan, say with my friends or dinner etc he will make the effort to be on time, he can do what he wants when we meet up with his family and friends and explain his own lateness.

Time keeping is important to you, it's not to her. There has to be some give and take. While your wife was explaining how you getting annoyed makes a little bit die, did you explain that her being consistently late was the same as her consistently disregarding your feelings? Rather than expect her to be on time every time could you come to a compromise?

Also, arguing over anything and not making up for 4 days is not healthy. I don't mean to be rude but there seems to be something very juvenile about it.

It's up to you to watch your temper of course, but I don't think your wife was entirely blameless either.

sherbett32

Does anything else in your life make you feel as angry OP or is it just your wife's lateness?

It could help you to talk to a professional how you feel and help you change your behaviour. She's obviously "pushing your buttons". You need to learn how to disconnect those buttons.

Having said that I think it's particularly unfair of her to stress you out to get to the destination when she was the one who was late in the first place.
How late is late?

kat.mac

I think you two need to sit down; possibly with a professional. There's a compromise here. You need - in a big way - to learn how to control these outbursts, which are damaging your marriage. Your wife needs to learn how it makes you feel when she's late and then how to curb that tendency to be late. People can change their habits, even habits of a lifetime.

The more urgent matter though, is your ability to keep calm in the face of your wife's lateness. Losing the plot is just injecting so much unnecessary stress into both your lives that it's going to take a toll.

Best of luck OP!

skyfall2012

You have been together a long time and this is still a problem. I would suggest as Kat.mac has, marriage councelling.

Because for her to say "I love you so much, but something dies every time this happens" is very strong and would indicate that if you don't sort this out, things could go very wrong. People have divorced over leaving the toilet seat up or leaving the cap off the toothpaste, but sometimes these things become the focus of the persons anger which may stem from elsewhere, so I would take it seriously. You may not think it needs marriage councelling, but you would be surprised what comes up in those sessions.

I think she should make more effort not to be late, she obviously knows that it really bothers you. She needs to learn to prioritize and being on time for you needs to be her priority. You both need to show each other that you are the most important people in each others lives and show it by, not loosing your temper and she needs to be on time.

Good luck.

tony81

Dúlagar wrote: »

I'm never physically violent; that has never been me. I walk away, always. Always, the trigger for my temper is her lateness and general chaos. I am always left waiting for her, and when we are late she stresses me out to get to our destination. This has been the case since forever: she's late, and I lose the plot.

What do you mean she's late? Why not set a deadline for her about an hour before the actual time you need to be somewhere?

One thing you can do is expect her to be 2 hours late. That way when she is late it won't come as a surprise.

And when you get into the car, expect her to whine and complain. That way when she whines and complains it won't come as a surprise either.

it really is your decision to get stressed out.

CaraMay

Why did it take 4 days to make up?

username123

Personally I find lateness very irritating.

You are entirely responsible for your own temper. You need to learn a different reaction to your wife being late. You two are following a well trod pattern of behaviour, she begins to run late, you begin to get annoyed, she continues to be late, you get angry, you lose your temper, the resulting fallout lasts days. Its not healthy.

Stop it. Have a different reaction. Leave without her. Dont go at all. Go somewhere else. But above all, stay calm.

Queen-Mise

Roisy7 wrote: »

This is the standout sentence for me. It's not your wife's fault. She has a character flaw, which she may or may not be able or willing to change. But the thing is you cannot control her or her lateness and disorganisation!

You can however control how you react to her. Why does it irritate you so? Is there anyway that you can help her along? Has she the burden of the housework, childminding anything like that? If ye are travelling, can you take the burden of booking flights etc, and have her just turn up, even if she has to put her clothes on in the car?!

Breathing exercises, counting to ten, visualisation, mindfulness are all helpful ways to control anger.

Don't let a relatively minor issue chip away at the love and respect in your marriage....

I agree with the above.

I felt so sorry for my brother in law and my sister - my sister would be late for her own funeral. He would go outside have a cigarette and wait patiently.
When they were late for something - we all knew it was her - and he would get the sympathetic looks and let her deal with the backlash

You deal with your side of the street - your reaction to her lateness and let her look after her own stuff.


Personally I detest lateness with a vengeance. I think it is the height of disrespect, selfishness, contempt, inconsiderateness, (I could go on) etc. I would give someone a few times grace and then I leave or continue on doing what we had planned.

Itwasntme.

Everyone here saying that the wife should just meet him half way is obviously one of those people who doesn't have a problem with time. I am chronically late and my issues with time management have affected my life but it's not that easy to change it. Sometimes if I have to be somewhere, I start getting ready to leave 2-3 hours before and most times I still end up being late. I don't know what happens. Time just seems to rush by without me noticing. I often feel like there's not enough hours in the day.

OP, I think both you and your wife need to go for counselling. You obviously care for each other a lot and this is something threatening your love. I fully believe that chronic lateness is a psychological issue that needs to be addressed through counselling just as your extreme reaction is also another issue that needs to be dealt with through counselling as well.

Talk to your wife about this and see how she feels about seeing a therapist. My ex-boyfriend was like you, he would react violently to my lateness and in the end, it was one of the reasons we broke up. Deal with it now before resentments fester and create a toxic atmosphere in your relationship.

Whispered

Itwasntme. wrote: »

Everyone here saying that the wife should just meet him half way is obviously one of those people who doesn't have a problem with time. I am chronically late and my issues with time management have affected my life but it's not that easy to change it. Sometimes if I have to be somewhere, I start getting ready to leave 2-3 hours before and most times I still end up being late. I don't know what happens. Time just seems to rush by without me noticing. I often feel like there's not enough hours in the day.

Argh you're one of them! I live with someone who has problems with time keeping and the majority of the time it's down to the fact he just couldn't be bothered. I would often notice my husband getting distracted by other things while he's supposed to be getting ready to go out. Like who needs to iron 6 shirts before going out when they know already what they are wearing, or why on earth would you start to clear out your wardrobe while getting ready to go out. It's lack of focus.

I would imagine that if you put your mind to it and stayed focused on the tasks at hand you would be on time. Even if you need to list down in detail what you need to do and how long you expect it to take and stick with it. It's rude to be constantly late and it's childish to assume that other people can't understand. Of course we can, we just have more respect for people than to leave them waiting every single time.

Yes some people can manage their time better than others, but it's something that can be worked on. Making excuses for the OP's wife and others who are always late is just making excuses for their lack of consideration.

Itwasntme.

Whispered wrote: »

Argh you're one of them! I live with someone who has problems with time keeping and the majority of the time it's down to the fact he just couldn't be bothered. I would often notice my husband getting distracted by other things while he's supposed to be getting ready to go out. Like who needs to iron 6 shirts before going out when they know already what they are wearing, or why on earth would you start to clear out your wardrobe while getting ready to go out. It's lack of focus.

I would imagine that if you put your mind to it and stayed focused on the tasks at hand you would be on time. Even if you need to list down in detail what you need to do and how long you expect it to take and stick with it. It's rude to be constantly late and it's childish to assume that other people can't understand. Of course we can, we just have more respect for people than to leave them waiting every single time.

Yes some people can manage their time better than others, but it's something that can be worked on. Making excuses for the OP's wife and others who are always late is just making excuses for their lack of consideration.

I am unfortunately. And you're right, it is a lack of focus. I make lists, I change the time on my watch every few days to confuse myself, I berate myself and a whole load of other things but the hardest thing for me to do is remain focused. I get distracted so easily it's ridiculous. I once lit a matchstick, got distracted, forgot I was holding it and it burned away and the top thing fell on my shirt and burned a hole through my shirt and me. It's not just making excuses for the OP's wife, I think an extreme lack of focus may be connected to ADD.

Of course late people can work on their issues and the majority of us are just inconsiderate but sometimes it's more than that and considering what's at stake here, I think looking extensively into the root causes of both her lateness and his temper couldn't hurt.

skyfall2012

Itwasntme. wrote: »

I am unfortunately. And you're right, it is a lack of focus. I make lists, I change the time on my watch every few days to confuse myself, I berate myself and a whole load of other things but the hardest thing for me to do is remain focused. I get distracted so easily it's ridiculous. I once lit a matchstick, got distracted, forgot I was holding it and it burned away and the top thing fell on my shirt and burned a hole through my shirt and me. It's not just making excuses for the OP's wife, I think an extreme lack of focus may be connected to ADD.

Of course late people can work on their issues and the majority of us are just inconsiderate but sometimes it's more than that and considering what's at stake here, I think looking extensively into the root causes of both her lateness and his temper couldn't hurt.

You just reminded me of one of my sisters who is travelling to a European city for a few days on her own, she gave my other sister her flight details, but missed her flight and rang me to give me the new flight details, as she was too embarrassed to tell my other sister as she is chronically late for everything and she is always losing things like her wallet etc.! As kids we use to call her Spacey <name>.

Anyway, I was doing a child care course once and they discussed ADD on it and I realised that my sister who is always late must have had undiagnosed ADD when she was younger, the symptoms were the same as I remembered my sister behaving. A beautiful person, but she would drive you into orbit with her lateness.

So OP 'itwasntme' maybe onto something.

Taltos

No more diagnoses please. Doing so is against the site faq and our forum.

Thanks
Taltos

Miss Lockhart

I think you need to separate the issue of her lateness from your temper.

They are both issues that need to be dealt with but I think linking them is a dangerous route to take.

I cannot stand lateness, and I absolutely think you should address this with your wife and seek a little bit of respect for your time.

However, the way you react is entirely your responsibility and you must address that in and of itself. Perhaps seek some anger-management therapy. I have seen it being successful, though I'm sure it's not for everyone.

Queen-Mise

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

I think you need to separate the issue of her lateness from your temper.

I agree with this - the lateness is NOT personal to you. It wouldn't matter if the Pope, Ghandi, Martin Luther King & Elvis were waiting for her - your wife would still be late

I'd work out a way of not enabling it further e.g go in the car and have a taxi rung for her a half hour or an hour later - that kind of thing.

Stheno

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

I think you need to separate the issue of her lateness from your temper.

They are both issues that need to be dealt with but I think linking them is a dangerous route to take.

I cannot stand lateness, and I absolutely think you should address this with your wife and seek a little bit of respect for your time.

However, the way you react is entirely your responsibility and you must address that in and of itself. Perhaps seek some anger-management therapy. I have seen it being successful, though I'm sure it's not for everyone.

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I agree with this - the lateness is NOT personal to you. It wouldn't matter if the Pope, Ghandi, Martin Luther King & Elvis were waiting for her - your wife would still be late

I'd work out a way of not enabling it further e.g go in the car and have a taxi rung for her a half hour or an hour later - that kind of thing.

I'd agree with the posts above, I do everything such as giving deadlines up to an hour early, told them I need to be picked up up to an hour early, set meeting times early on purpose knowing they will be late.

It's seriously infuriating, now I've never lost my temper at my OH because of it, and he does have some self control for important occasions, but most of the time it's like he is in his own world.

We've cancelled nights out due to it, which is probably the worst, i.e. he was so late "give me five minutes" that an hour and a half later going out to dinner wasn't a choice.

Not much you can do to be honest, but losing your temper is not helping

CaraMay

You knew about this for 9 years before you married her - not being smart but why in the name of god did you marry her especially knowing how her actions make you react?!?!?!? She was and is never going to change but looks like now you are at the point where you just can't stick it anymore. You either need to move out or resign yourself to it.

I have a friend like that but I personally think its the height of bad manners.

Whispered

CaraMay wrote: »

You knew about this for 9 years before you married her - not being smart but why in the name of god did you marry her especially knowing how her actions make you react?!?!?!? She was and is never going to change but looks like now you are at the point where you just can't stick it anymore. You either need to move out or resign yourself to it.

I have a friend like that but I personally think its the height of bad manners.

Everybody has things that annoy them about their partners. I doubt there are many relationships where each partner hasn't got something which grates on them. For me, it's my husbands lateness, for him it's my untidiness when getting ready to go out. (think clothes, makeup bag, hair dryer and products and mirror strewn across the bed )

He doesn't have to accept it or resign himself to it. He could try speaking to his wife, when they are both calm, not late for anything and able to have an adult conversation without him loosing his temper or her trying to make him feel guilty about that.

If he explains how it makes him feel and she gives no leeway at all then yes it's a problem, but more indicative of a problem with how considerate she is to his feelings in general imo, than in his acceptance or not of her lateness.

I totally agree that he shouldn't be loosing his temper to such an extent but it sounds like you expect him to put up with it or leave. There is a middle ground if his wife is willing to go along with it.

Maura74

I know someone that is always late and expect husband to get her there on time, which leave him exhausted. He has tried to giving her much earlier times for events and appointments but she cottoned on to this.

She got this bad practice from her mother as she is exactly the same being late gives her the grand entrance that she expects. Everyone has to take notice of her when she gets in late for appointments or social events. Therefore this makes her feels that she is important and get all the more attention and feels people should wait for her.

Therefore perhaps OP wife has inherited this bad practice from her mother and does not know any better.

I consider it the height of rudeness being late for appointment and social events and indeed if OP wife turned up late for a job interview she would definitely not get it.

CaraMay

Whispered wrote: »

Everybody has things that annoy them about their partners. I doubt there are many relationships where each partner hasn't got something which grates on them

Dúlagar wrote: »

This has been the case since forever: she's late, and I lose the plot.

Its beyond grating - its losing the plot and it seems this has been going on for the guts of 10 years. My point still stands if something annoys you to this level, for this long why would you buy into it for the rest of your years.

Op you have responsibility for this too. You chose this woman knowing the full facts and that she would not change. You need to let it go... Its not like she hid it from you and as I said before, she is not going to change.

The Corinthian

Dúlagar wrote: »

Would anybody have insight into how I could be a better guy here, or what I could do to avoid these sort of "blow-outs"? Thank you.

She does something unreasonable (being late), which triggers unreasonable anger in you. Given she appears to have turned this on you (you're bad for losing your temper, but she's not bad for being late), your options are limited and come down to two:

1. Learn to live with her tardiness, presume you're always going to be late when travelling with her and she'll leave you waiting if you're supposed to meet somewhere. Bite your lip, deal with it, count to ten and move on.
2. Just refuse to put yourself in those situations any more. If she's late when the two of you have to go somewhere, then leave her the address and go ahead. If you have to meet her, arrange to meet someone else, so you have company while you wait, or just avoid such scenarios by telling her to meet you at the final destination.

I'd go for option 2. She may eventually cotton on and realize that she has to make an effort then.