He cheated in front of us

LegacyUser

My issue isn’t actually about my own relationship, but rather someone else’s, so I hope it’s in the right place. Here is my problem and I’d like to thank in advance anyone who responds with a POV or advice.

I was out last weekend with my boyfriend and a few friends. One friend was very drunk (as were we all), happened to run into his ex-girlfriend and ended up kissing her, in front of us. His current girlfriend wasn’t out with us. To clarify: he kissed his ex, and as far as I’m aware he did nothing else with her afterward.

I know this guy and his current girlfriend for as long as I have been with my boyfriend; nearly three years. They got together the same time that we did, and I met them through my boyfriend. I consider both of them friends of mine, we often spend time together as a foursome, go out, have been abroad together, etc. And therein lies the problem.

I really want to tell her what happened. I feel like I should, maybe it’s my sense of sisterhood coming out. She’s a lovely person and I respect her a lot and I think she deserves to know, even though I’m sure I probably won’t be thanked for it, that it’s possible she’ll think “it was just a kiss” and that even I could become persona non grata in the group. But you know what, I’d still do it. I’m so angry with him not only for kissing his ex, but for doing it in front of us. I find it almost (although not quite) as distasteful as the infidelity itself.

Unfortunately, while I don’t really see the above as a legitimate reason not to tell her, I have another reason. He is very good friends with my boyfriend and they’ve known each other for a long time. If I do this it will negatively impact on their friendship. My boyfriend knows this, and he doesn’t want me to say anything. That doesn’t mean my boyfriend approves of what happened, but he doesn’t think it’s really my place to say anything. Basically, it’s none of my business. He’s right in a sense and I shouldn’t meddle, but I have to admit, if someone did that to me then I would want to know.

What do you guys think? Do you know what you’d do? Or have you ever been in a similar situation?

I was cheated on repeatedly by an ex, most of his friends had seen it happen at some stage, and I had considered them to by not just his but also my own very close friends.

When I found out that not only had he been cheating on me, but in front of everyone, I was hurt. I no longer considered them good friends, and after we broke up I drifted from all of them (I think it was more to do with the break up than them hiding his cheating). However, as much as I was hurt that no one told me, I think I would have felt really bad if someone had told me and thus caused trouble in their own life.

If I were you, I would try to convince your boyfriend that she should be told. If he agrees, tell her. If he clearly is never going to agree, leave it, but maybe do consider what the implications of his attitude towards cheating may be. Not that you should worry, but that maybe it's a conversation you need to have with him.

judgefudge

It's a tough one. For me it kind of depends on how well you know her. If she is a close friend and if you think she should know maybe tell her...

People tend to not say anything I think because of the position it puts them in. If you say anything as you say it could negatively impact your relationship with your boyfriend and his friend. If this girl then takes him back and they work it out you'll always be the one that told on him.

If it was more than a kiss I would be inclined to say tell her. People have drunken slip ups sometimes and while it's not right, sometimes it's not worth causing a whole lot of trouble for yourself...

tinkerbell

OP, if you consider her a friend, then tell her. If she finds out and then realises you knew all along and didn't say anything, your friendship will be over. Friends look out for each other, not hide massive things like this from each other.

cantdecide

If I were you, I'd convince your BF to confront your friend, man to man, so to speak. If it was a drunken moment of stupidity (that he may or may not even remember) then you could both make it very clear that he has spent his get-out-of-jail card. If you're not sure if that's the extent of his cheating, then I'd make it very clear to him that you don't wish to be privy to any of it and you won't be doing anything to hide or protect him from his misbehaviour. If it turns out that there's a lot of evidence of other cheating, then I'd consider approaching his gf together but you're going to have to accept her reaction for better or worse.

These are your options as I see them.

P. Breathnach

cantdecide wrote: »

If I were you, I'd convince your BF to confront your friend, man to man, so to speak....

As OP's boyfriend has already shown a degree of reluctance to act, I'd propose a slightly stronger approach: that OP and her boyfriend together confront this friend. After all, they have both been put in the same difficult position by the friend's behaviour.

Karen8

I agree, OP (alone or with her bf) should confront this friend. Give him a chance to tell his gf himself. And remember, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men should do nothing.

LegacyUser

i think the op should tell her. why?....because she believes it is the correct thing to do. whether or not telling her results in a mess for the op is irrelevant. the fact is she believes that this behaviour is unacceptable and she would like to know if she was in the same position. sometimes you got to make tough decisions, and this probably isn't going to work out well for you......BUT you should follow your heart......whatever happens, you know you did what you believed in and you can always fall back on that....RESPECT!

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone so much for your advice. I decided this morning as I was reading this thread on the bus to work that I would do what a couple of you advised, and confront him. I texted my boyfriend with the plan and he agreed, saying friend was coming over for Fifa later and we could ask him then.

Very shortly when he gets here we're going to confront him about what he did, and ultimately, what he plans to do about it. Depending on his reaction/response, I'll consider the next step then.

Thanks again everyone, this is much appreciated.