Whats the story with this guy?

confusedIam

Long story short - I hooked up with a colleague at my Christmas party, we were acquaintainces before but not friends. I thought he had a girlfriend, but learned that they had walked away from their engagement last September (as in 5 months ago).

We kissed at the party, nothing more. Since then hes been in contact over Christmas (via facebook PM) and since back at work, pretty much daily over instant message (we rarely see eachother). Nothing much to say, just friendly chat really...asks what my plans for the night/weekend are but no date request. He always initiates contact.

I know that without knowing the people involved its nigh impossible to say but what do you reckon the deal is...i.e. Is he into me? Looking for a friend? passing the time or just trying to not make things awkward at work (we do different jobs, in different buildings and departments but very occassionally do work together).

I know it screams of rebound, but I actually quite like this guy. Thoughts appreciated?

judgefudge

Kinda sounds like he could be interested. If he's bothering to get in touch a lot. But if he's out of a big relationship only 6 months he could be taking it slow, or he could be just looking for a fling.

It's basically impossible for anyone here to know. I would take it slow.

CaraMay

That's a hard one to call.

How far did the hook up go? Just would hope he is not just after another one night stand when ye happen to be out on another work night.

If things don't progress soon just move on as maybe he is not ready and just wants to play the field.

confusedIam

Thanks guys. Hook up didn't go far and certainly not out of the club we were in.

Can't figure why you'd bother to keep contacting someone but not ask them out....nice guy but I've no interest in being an email buddy.

Guess it'll all play out one way or the other...

youandme13

I'd say he is interested just taking it slow first i.e friendly email chats first. You could always jokingly say in an email about a date i.e if he asks you what your doing, and u say your going to the cinema, could say something like we should go sometime or something like that...

LegacyUser

He's into you.

Maybe he's just shy and has never really just asked someone out before. It happens.

I used to really like some girls I worked with and I'd make sure to chat to them when passing their desks or when in the kitchen. Never had the balls to just ask them out - was waiting for an opportunity to arise like a staff night out.

There's the extra pressure of working with someone as if he asks you out and you say no, well, then he has to deal with that.

Rejection might be at the root of his inability to ask you out... or maybe he doesn't know if you like him.

stargazer 68

confusedIam wrote: »

Thanks guys. Hook up didn't go far and certainly not out of the club we were in.

Can't figure why you'd bother to keep contacting someone but not ask them out....nice guy but I've no interest in being an email buddy.

Guess it'll all play out one way or the other...

Op take the bull by the horns and ask him out!! Next time he gets in touch suggest meeting for a drink. If he says no then you will know - beats hanging around waiting!

dannyc31

OP i'd say he's into you alright. but you have to remember he was in a pretty serious relationship not long ago. he's gonna be out of practice and is probably still a little tender about the whole thing, he's not gonna really want to put himself out-there just yet to save any unnecessary pain.

if you've no problem with reverse roles, then as some else said, you should ask him out for a coffee. then see how you get on and take it from there.

ManOfMystery

I was the guy in an almost identical situation. Out of a relationship 6 months, went to Xmas party, ended up chatting to & kissing a colleague who I hadn't been particularly close friends with before ....................... that was 5yrs ago and we're married now.

After that night, I was interested in her but a bit nervous that it may have been no more than the terribly clichéd 'drunken office Xmas party' thing - for all I knew, she may have been a bit embarassed or regretful of it .............. so I started sending the odd text and email in an effort to get to know her better and also see how things stood. Eventually I asked her out properly and we've never looked back.

It sounds like he's into you but wants to see what the lay of the land is. Be patient, and maybe give him some subtle hints if you're interested in him too

Good luck

confusedIam

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I was the guy in an almost identical situation. Out of a relationship 6 months, went to Xmas party, ended up chatting to & kissing a colleague who I hadn't been particularly close friends with before ....................... that was 5yrs ago and we're married now.

After that night, I was interested in her but a bit nervous that it may have been no more than the terribly clichéd 'drunken office Xmas party' thing - for all I knew, she may have been a bit embarassed or regretful of it .............. so I started sending the odd text and email in an effort to get to know her better and also see how things stood. Eventually I asked her out properly and we've never looked back.

It sounds like he's into you but wants to see what the lay of the land is. Be patient, and maybe give him some subtle hints if you're interested in him too

Good luck

awww thats such a sweet story :-) Thanks for sharing and for the advice!!

curlzy

OP, I ended a 5 year relationship and started a new relationship 2 months after that. Some would call that a rebound but that was 6 years ago and we're getting married next year. Personally I wouldn't pass up a guy I like based on his history, it's not fair really. Thank all my gods my fella didn't turn me down based on my history, thinking he was a rebound.

confusedIam

curlzy wrote: »

OP, I ended a 5 year relationship and started a new relationship 2 months after that. Some would call that a rebound but that was 6 years ago and we're getting married next year. Personally I wouldn't pass up a guy I like based on his history, it's not fair really. Thank all my gods my fella didn't turn me down based on my history, thinking he was a rebound.

Thanks Curlzy, thats a pretty cool story - glad it worked out well for you, heres hoping for the same...I'll stick in there and see where it goes :-)

LegacyUser

Although it sounds like hes interested I wouldn't assume anything until he tells you/asks you out! Im just going on a personal fairly sh*tty experience: same thing happened me, kissed this guy I knew on a night out (weren't friends just knew each other to see and make small talk etc), he then proceeded to chase me with calls, texts, always asking to go for lunch with me, and was not interested in getting to know anyone else who was in this particular group. I got to really like him (I hadn't been that into him at first) and was wondering why he didn't ask me out. Constant flirting etc for months and on another night out we got talking and just when it seemed we were going to kiss again he says oh no we are friends there's nothing romantic about this, I have a girlfriend!!!! i was truly mortified and cut all contact! Beforehand I had always been confident and was never wrong in picking up on a guys interest but since that I have lost all confidence and second guess myself all the time!
So that's my horror story, and I'm just hoping this guy is nothing like him! All I'm saying is until he actually says he likes you and asks you out don't get emotionally involved!!

confusedIam

randomusername132 wrote: »

Although it sounds like hes interested I wouldn't assume anything until he tells you/asks you out! Im just going on a personal fairly sh*tty experience: same thing happened me, kissed this guy I knew on a night out (weren't friends just knew each other to see and make small talk etc), he then proceeded to chase me with calls, texts, always asking to go for lunch with me, and was not interested in getting to know anyone else who was in this particular group. I got to really like him (I hadn't been that into him at first) and was wondering why he didn't ask me out. Constant flirting etc for months and on another night out we got talking and just when it seemed we were going to kiss again he says oh no we are friends there's nothing romantic about this, I have a girlfriend!!!! i was truly mortified and cut all contact! Beforehand I had always been confident and was never wrong in picking up on a guys interest but since that I have lost all confidence and second guess myself all the time!
So that's my horror story, and I'm just hoping this guy is nothing like him! All I'm saying is until he actually says he likes you and asks you out don't get emotionally involved!!

See thats exactly what I'm afraid of!
My initial reaction is that he wouldn't be contacting me on a daily basis if he wasn't interested...the cynical side says if he was interested he'd be asking me out, that and maybe its just a female friend he's looking for the pass the time (in a platonic sense) to replace his ex.

ibarelycare

confusedIam wrote: »

See thats exactly what I'm afraid of!
My initial reaction is that he wouldn't be contacting me on a daily basis if he wasn't interested...the cynical side says if he was interested he'd be asking me out, that and maybe its just a female friend he's looking for the pass the time (in a platonic sense) to replace his ex.

Why does he have to be the one to ask you out though? If you're interested why don't YOU ask HIM out?

confusedIam

ibarelycare wrote: »

Why does he have to be the one to ask you out though? If you're interested why don't YOU ask HIM out?

Honestly? I've only ever asked one person out before...to my debs over 10 years ago...and he said quite publicly, ehh no :eek:

Since then I've probably always waited for confirmation of interest from the guy first...
a dumb reason, but a reason none the less...

LegacyUser

confusedIam wrote: »

See thats exactly what I'm afraid of!
My initial reaction is that he wouldn't be contacting me on a daily basis if he wasn't interested...the cynical side says if he was interested he'd be asking me out, that and maybe its just a female friend he's looking for the pass the time (in a platonic sense) to replace his ex.

Dont mean to scare you, I'm sure this guy isnt like the one I mentioned, he was the biggest headf**k I've ever met! I've just learned that some guys coming out of long term relationship simply miss close female companionship. And end up totally unaware that their behaviour is not normal for what is supposed to be a platonic friendship!
It could be that he is taking it slowly, he naturally wont want to jump into anything. So I guess you should too and as I said not investing too much until you know he is interested. Although not knowing where you stand can be annoying! I would be like you too, would never ask a guy out..silly but I need a guy who has balls!

judgefudge

confusedIam wrote: »

Honestly? I've only ever asked one person out before...to my debs over 10 years ago...and he said quite publicly, ehh no :eek:

Since then I've probably always waited for confirmation of interest from the guy first...
a dumb reason, but a reason none the less...

Ask him out! I've done it a couple of times now. Scary but rewarding!

dannyc31

Honestly? I've only ever asked one person out before...to my debs over 10 years ago...and he said quite publicly, ehh no

Since then I've probably always waited for confirmation of interest from the guy first...
a dumb reason, but a reason none the less...

i cant imagine it is an easy thing for a girl to do, ask a fella out, christ its hard enough for us men and its apparently what we are suppose to do. who says so anyways :mad:

the point is it doesnt have to be like your debs senario, you dont have to ask him out and make it sound like you are asking him to become your boyfriend straight away or something. just see if he wants to meet for coffee sometime and perhaps from there go for a few drinks together. then you might relax into it and just ask him straight out, "would he be interested in you as more than friends?" he's either gonna say it suits him to just be friends right now and then at least you will know. there is no need to be upset or mortified in that case.

on the other hand he might say he really likes you and is just worried about getting hurt or putting all his issues from the ex onto you. but either way you can find out once and for all and move forward with things instead of sitting around doing your own head in.

confusedIam

dannyc31 wrote: »

just see if he wants to meet for coffee sometime

OP here - so I kinda did this today; we were chatting on instant messenger (again instigated by him) and I said that I was heading to starbucks for a coffee if he fancied it. The reply was simply "trying to get XYZ working at present so i'll have to pass".

the conversation continued after I came back, but does this count as asking or was it too subtle? I shall bow to your superior knowledge :-)

CaraMay

Op to be honest, I think you are wasting your time or more importantly he is wasting your time.

There is a lot of sense in a previous comment saying that he is used to female company and probably misses it.

He has had a zillion opportunities to ask you out and he hasnt. Why not just look at the facts and act accordingly - dont waste your time on this guy as he obviously just wants a friend or else has issues.

dannyc31

Op to be honest, I think you are wasting your time or more importantly he is wasting your time.

There is a lot of sense in a previous comment saying that he is used to female company and probably misses it.

He has had a zillion opportunities to ask you out and he hasnt. Why not just look at the facts and act accordingly - dont waste your time on this guy as he obviously just wants a friend or else has issues.

agreed. OP he's a time waster. he'd be more trouble than its worth to be honest, i'd say there are alot of issues here, he's still not over the break-up and is using you to fill that void. he should of jumped at the chance of the coffee date if he was actually interested.

well do you feel mortified? i'm sure it was'nt as painful as you thought it would be. if i were you i wouldnt entertain him as much as you are, its not fair on yourself. he's just being selfish for his own needs.

go out and put that good time to use with a man who really likes you and wants to spend time with you.

best of luck

confusedIam

dannyc31 wrote: »

well do you feel mortified? i'm sure it was'nt as painful as you thought it would be. if i were you i wouldnt entertain him as much as you are, its not fair on yourself. he's just being selfish for his own needs.

go out and put that good time to use with a man who really likes you and wants to spend time with you.

best of luck

not mortified in the slightest, and actually a fantastic use of my time - why piss about wondering! Great advice dannyc31, if he was that interested he'd have jumped at the chance or if busy at least suggested a different time - thanks :-)

Richy06

OP, by the sounds of it he's as shy and afraid of taking the plunge and asking as you are. He seems pretty keen. Stop playing games - and by games I mean 'dropping hints' etc - and just ask him out!

Even the story of the poster on page 1 who had such a bad experience when the guy ended up having a girlfriend. To me, that sounds like a guy who was maybe thinking about cheating or seeing if he still 'had it' and strung her along, more than anything else.

Take the plunge, ask him out. You've only one life, don't regret what you didn't do.