Should I help or not?

LegacyUser

Just back from doing a good deed, but didn't want to do it!

An old guy who lives about a mile away knocked on my door (not for the first time either) looking for a lift home after shopping in the nearby supermarket.

He appears to knock on all the doors in the street until he finds someone home, and willing to drive him.

There is a smaller supermarket close to his house, so it's not as if he needs to use the one near me.

I know he isn't poor, and he has a reputation for being stingy. Despite numerous hints on previous occasions about the price of petrol etc. he has never even offered a cent. (In all honesty I only want to be offered it, I wouldn't accept it)

When he knocked on my door on another occasion he told me how my neighbour had refused him, saying he didn't have time, he more or less implied that my neighbour should have brought him anyway.

Part of me thinks he is just a stingy old guy, who takes advantage of others charity, another part says we will all be old someday and need help from others.

As I said, he's not poor, just hates spending money!

Should I run out the door to start the car next time I see him on the street, close the curtains and pretend I'm not home, or tell him to f....ing call a taxi?

travellingbid

Not so Good Samaritan wrote: »

Just back from doing a good deed, but didn't want to do it!

An old guy who lives about a mile away knocked on my door (not for the first time either) looking for a lift home after shopping in the nearby supermarket.

He appears to knock on all the doors in the street until he finds someone home, and willing to drive him.

There is a smaller supermarket close to his house, so it's not as if he needs to use the one near me.

I know he isn't poor, and he has a reputation for being stingy. Despite numerous hints on previous occasions about the price of petrol etc. he has never even offered a cent. (In all honesty I only want to be offered it, I wouldn't accept it)

When he knocked on my door on another occasion he told me how my neighbour had refused him, saying he didn't have time, he more or less implied that my neighbour should have brought him anyway.

Part of me thinks he is just a stingy old guy, who takes advantage of others charity, another part says we will all be old someday and need help from others.

As I said, he's not poor, just hates spending money!

Should I run out the door to start the car next time I see him on the street, close the curtains and pretend I'm not home, or tell him to f....ing call a taxi?

Maybe he's tight… maybe he's just lonely. Either way doing a good deed is good karma. Maybe when you're an old guy you'll need a lift to the shops.

jammywammy

Not so Good Samaritan wrote: »

Just back from doing a good deed, but didn't want to do it!

An old guy who lives about a mile away knocked on my door (not for the first time either) looking for a lift home after shopping in the nearby supermarket.

He appears to knock on all the doors in the street until he finds someone home, and willing to drive him.

There is a smaller supermarket close to his house, so it's not as if he needs to use the one near me.

I know he isn't poor, and he has a reputation for being stingy. Despite numerous hints on previous occasions about the price of petrol etc. he has never even offered a cent. (In all honesty I only want to be offered it, I wouldn't accept it)

When he knocked on my door on another occasion he told me how my neighbour had refused him, saying he didn't have time, he more or less implied that my neighbour should have brought him anyway.

Part of me thinks he is just a stingy old guy, who takes advantage of others charity, another part says we will all be old someday and need help from others.

As I said, he's not poor, just hates spending money!

Should I run out the door to start the car next time I see him on the street, close the curtains and pretend I'm not home, or tell him to f....ing call a taxi?

I know what you mean about just wanting him to offer a few bob, the gesture would be enough. But maybe he just wants a chat, some interaction. And if he is only a mile up the road, sure even if he is a stingy narky oul fella, is it really worth the hassle of ignoring/not answering the door? Id probably just give him a lift. And at least you'd be doing a good deed!

judgefudge

Depends how much hassle it is. I agree it sounds like he's a bit tight and I'd find that annoying. But will it really hurt you to just give him a lift the odd time?

Oryx

"Well, Ive no petrol in the car. If youre willing to give me a few bob for petrol, no problem!"

But seriously, the best thing anyone can ever learn is to say no without feeling they have to explain why. If you have your reasons for not wanting to help this guy, you dont have to help him.
"No. I'm sorry, I can't". No explaination or justification needed. Really, we tend to be far too polite, and try to let someone down gently when we simply dont have to.

Now, I can see youre a decent person, and you want to help out, but you know full well in this case, the man is taking advantage. Let him take his brass neck elsewhere. (As your neighbour is already doing)

OP you've no reason to help him, it's extremely rude of him to expect people to ferry him to and fro and who can blame him when he keeps getting what he wants. He needs a reality check.

Don't ignore the man. Next time he calls, open the door and explain to him that you try to use the car as little as possible and you're a busy person, and you wont be able to drive him that day or any other day, but that you hope him all the best.

Alternatively, give him a lift next time and once he's in the car, say you're really hungry and ask him for something from his shopping. That's sure to get rid of someone like him pretty sharpish.

CaraMay

true-or-false wrote: »

OP you've no reason to help him, it's extremely rude of him to expect people to ferry him to and fro and who can blame him when he keeps getting what he wants. He needs a reality check.

Don't ignore the man. Next time he calls, open the door and explain to him that you try to use the car as little as possible and you're a busy person, and you wont be able to drive him that day or any other day, but that you hope him all the best.

Alternatively, give him a lift next time and once he's in the car, say you're really hungry and ask him for something from his shopping. That's sure to get rid of someone like him pretty sharpish.

Where is the humanity?? Would you really expect him to offer money for a 2 mile round trip? You are the one who sounds stingy - with your time!!! Hope you never need help or company when you are old...

LegacyUser

Look I'm all for helping people who need it but this guy sounds like a chancer. " I can't right now I'm busy but I'll call a taxi for you just wait at the gate they won't be long, bye".

looksee

CaraMay wrote: »

Where is the humanity?? Would you really expect him to offer money for a 2 mile round trip? You are the one who sounds stingy - with your time!!! Hope you never need help or company when you are old...

Its so easy to be generous with other people's time! He's chancing his arm, using his age to guilt someone into doing what he wants. He possibly doesn't think it out as clearly as that, still you don't have to co-operate with a bit of emotional blackmail.

keithclancy

CaraMay wrote: »

Where is the humanity?? Would you really expect him to offer money for a 2 mile round trip? You are the one who sounds stingy - with your time!!! Hope you never need help or company when you are old...

I wouldn't expect my neighbours to ferry me around the place either.

And yes i would chip in money for fuel, they wouldn't ask unless you had a car. Oe at the very least id make them pies

looksee

keithclancy wrote: »

I wouldn't expect my neighbours to ferry me around the place either.

And yes i would chip in money for fuel, they wouldn't ask unless you had a car. Oe at the very least id make them pies

I would certainly help out if a neighbour had a problem and needed to be somewhere, it wouldn't cost me a thought, but this is not the same, this is taking advantage.

CaraMay

CaraMay wrote: »

Where is the humanity?? Would you really expect him to offer money for a 2 mile round trip? You are the one who sounds stingy - with your time!!! Hope you never need help or company when you are old...

Well I'm not the one under scrutiny here, but for the record I'm usually in contact with a lot of elderly people due to my work, many of whom I help every day, even called in to say I'd be late back from lunch the other day so as to help an elderly lady up the street. I called someone's electricity provider today to help them sort out an issue they were having with a bill which they told me about because they get confused when they're on the phone themselves. However people also try to take advantage of me on a daily basis, so I know when to say no. Some people need help, and some just feel entitled to everything they want.

The point is that the OP is being disturbed in his/her own home, and being put in a position where they feel obliged to spare their time, with no acknowledgement or gratitude or apology being offered for being taken advantage of. It's one thing picking someone up if you're driving along and you see them, another if you see them and go well out of your way to drive them home, but it's a totally different story when someone calls to your door at their leisure and expects a lift, knowing you can't exactly slam the door in their face.

Edit: And by the way I never mentioned money, I don't think that's the issue at all.

CaraMay

But how does the op KNOW the man isn't poor? Maybe he has a nice house and no cash to get a taxi?!?!? Why assume the worst?

The Big Red Button

I think it sounds really sad. It sounds like maybe he just wants the bit of company! Why else would he go to all that bother when there's another supermarket close by.

Then again, another thing to consider might be that he'd be unable to carry all the groceries home by himself, even from the place that's closer to his house?

Re. not offering money for petrol - there's a chance that he might think you'd be offended if he did, considering it's such a short distance and you're a neighbour? It might seem like twisted logic, maybe, but it's possible.

Having said all that, it's also understandable that you don't want to be interrupted from what you're doing to bring him to the shops!

How about this - suggest a set day and time each week that you'll bring him? And schedule it so that you do your own shopping at this time as well. That way, you'll be able to plan in advance (rather than him just surprising you), and also you'll be buying your things too, so it won't feel like a wasted trip. You could maybe even call in for a cup of tea with him after you've dropped him off.

I guess I have a bit of a soft spot for old people, and would always go out of my way to help in any way I could. An odd spin to the local shop does not seem like a massive inconvenience to me, at all. I just feel sad for the guy, I mean he must have no friends or family in the area, to go knocking on random doors like that. It must be a very lonely life. And I can see why he'd be upset at your neighbour refusing him, he probably had to swallow his pride, to some extent, to go asking in the first place. It's sad.

You certainly shouldn't feel obliged to help this guy. But it seems to me to be a case where an occasional minor inconvenience to you could perhaps make a massive positive difference in his life.

Maura74

true-or-false wrote: »

Well I'm not the one under scrutiny here, but for the record I'm usually in contact with a lot of elderly people due to my work, many of whom I help every day, even called in to say I'd be late back from lunch the other day so as to help an elderly lady up the street. I called someone's electricity provider today to help them sort out an issue they were having with a bill which they told me about because they get confused when they're on the phone themselves. However people also try to take advantage of me on a daily basis, so I know when to say no. Some people need help, and some just feel entitled to everything they want.

The point is that the OP is being disturbed in his/her own home, and being put in a position where they feel obliged to spare their time, with no acknowledgement or gratitude or apology being offered for being taken advantage of. It's one thing picking someone up if you're driving along and you see them, another if you see them and go well out of your way to drive them home, but it's a totally different story when someone calls to your door at their leisure and expects a lift, knowing you can't exactly slam the door in their face.

Edit: And by the way I never mentioned money, I don't think that's the issue at all.

Wow…you are keeping a count on what you do for the elderly that you say is part of your job, with your attitude I would not want you anywhere near me as a pensioner. I realised that the caring profession gets de-sensitised towards the people that they are caring for as they see it day in and day out. But it is unusual that you even keep notes when elderly people wants to take advantage of you on a daily basis.

Why are you in your in a profession that involves being in contact with elderly people , I thought that people only went into this profession as a vocation and to help people , which I assume you are getting handsomely paid? You will also be aware that some elderly people concentration is not like they were a younger.

You do not know about this man and do not know how he was brought up. He may be lonely and as someone as posters have mentioned and needs interaction with other humans.

OP could also be kind and invite him in during this cold evening and even offer him a warm drink, but that is up to him. I do not know what part of the country the elderly man lives, but I am sure there are some organizations available to help older people in the area as well as volunteers to help with his shopping. OP does he talk about his past. Elderly sometimes like to talk about their past that should give you some ideas about is life.

The OP could also politely say to him when he knocks on his door that it is not conveniently for him to drive him home if he really does not want to interact with his elderly neighbour.

RossFixxxed

I have something I call the comma rule. Any email I send that is official I delete anything after a comma. It's usually an unnecessary qualifier. Can I apply for a day off, I have a personal blah blah. Get rid of that.

In this case just say no. You're not obliged to help. He doesn't show appreciation (even a sincere thank you, an offer to chip in on petrol, maybe a card of a little note of appreciation) and sounds like a chancer.

I DO believe in helping those in need, but far less so to those who just assume the world will stop what it is doing to help them. It is your time and it is important to you. Don't fill it up with unappreciative people.

As much as we would all love to help everyone, it isn't practical and some don't deserve it. You clearly don't want to help out and have said the same. Just refuse him outright and close the door.

This looks like emotional blackmail, you are doing something you don't want to do because it seems like a 'good deed'. You can see the dissonance there immediately. Just say no you can't. Leave it at that.

Lollipops23

Speaking as someone who lost their grandmother in the last year (so therefore still sensitive to the lives of older people), I'm appalled at people having a go at OP.

It's one thing to ask someone a favour of a lift now and again, in a nice way.
But being elderly is not licence to rudely guilt people into getting his way.

OP, you need to be firm-tell him you can't a couple of times in a row. If you're worried about him, perhaps get in touch with an elderly citizens' outreach programme on his behalf? SVP do house calls (nothing to do with a person's financial situation btw) on older people to make sure they're coping ok.

Maura74

I do not see where the OP said his neighbour was rude. The elderly man asked for a lift home that was all, OP could have said 'no' and would have been that. I am at loss at how the OP would have known that his neighbour was not poor and got a reputation for being stingy.
He could not know this unless he took the time to speak to his neighbour about his finances and how he got his home in the first place. I bet the elderly gent worked very hard for his home therefore why should younger people go around saying that elderly people stingy just because he does not give his money out willy nelly.

If the OP has no family his home in the end will go to the state or some greedy care home owner when he is not able to look after himself anymore. It is no joy getting old and having to depend on other when you are not able to fend for oneself anymore.

I appreciate that the gesture of paying for petrol would have been nice, but perhaps the elderly gent was of the opinion that is what neighbours do for each other as it was when he was younger and able body and has not caught up with how the world has changed nowadays.

Old age will happen to all of us and I admire this elderly gent for having the courage to walk into different areas to see different people to do his shopping also this is good exercise for him. It is good for everyone to get a change of environment that is why people go on holidays. I know young people are much pressurised nowadays but that is no excuse for ignoring anyone that needs help.

Lollipops23

Maura74 wrote: »

I do not see where the OP said his neighbour was rude. The elderly man asked for a lift home that was all, OP could have said 'no' and would have been that. I am at loss at how the OP would have known that his neighbour was not poor and got a reputation for being stingy.
He could not know this unless he took the time to speak to his neighbour about his finances and how he got his home in the first place. I bet the elderly gent worked very hard for his home therefore why should younger people go around saying that elderly people stingy just because he does not give his money out willy nelly.

If the OP has no family his home in the end will go to the state or some greedy care home owner when he is not able to look after himself anymore. It is no joy getting old and having to depend on other when you are not able to fend for oneself anymore.

I appreciate that the gesture of paying for petrol would have been nice, but perhaps the elderly gent was of the opinion that is what neighbours do for each other as it was when he was younger and able body and has not caught up with how the world has changed nowadays.

Old age will happen to all of us and I admire this elderly gent for having the courage to walk into different areas to see different people to do his shopping also this is good exercise for him. It is good for everyone to get a change of environment that is why people go on holidays. I know young people are much pressurised nowadays but that is no excuse for ignoring anyone that needs help.

Maura, with respect, your post is coming off as pretty defensive.

The OP clearly said the elderly gent was giving out about another neighbour who was unable to give him a lift. It's also considered rude to not acknowledge a regular favour someone does for you- a simple bottle of wine or something at Xmas to say thanks would be acknowledgment enough for me.

Expecting people to constantly drop everything at your whim AND not showing gratitude is downright rude, elderly or not.

Also, it's off topic, but care homes aren't always the worst. My beloved granny had to go to one in the end as we simply weren't able to give her the care she so badly needed. They were living saints in that place and made her last days dignified and comfortable. I just felt that needed correcting.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Haven't read the other replies so sorry if this isn't relevant. I know personally I just wouldn't be able to say no, I just can't with old people. But then I like old people, even the grumpy ones. I know in your situation I'd be thinking "what if I say no and he has a heart attack carrying his shopping home!" So yeah a bit annoying but it's only down the road and you're doing a good deed. So yeah spend the 5 minutes and €1 it takes to be a good person and feel good about it afterwards. I bet when you're old and grey you'll think back and be glad you brought the old g*t home and think on him fondly. : )

Best of luck.

Citygirl1

OP - Probably the best compromise is, next time he calls around, don't immediately drop what you are doing and hop in the car unless it actually suits you to go shopping at that moment. Don't even pretent to consider this. Instead cheerfully let him know what is the next time you do plan to go shopping yourself, and tell him he can come along then. Alternatively, say you'll give him a ring next time you are going shopping (and do do so), and say he is very welcome to come along. This way, he still has a chance to get the shopping in, and a lift to his door, at minimum inconvenience to you.

If he doesn't appreciate this approach, that is too bad for him.

If you choose to go to different shops to the ones he wants to visit, again that's his problem.

As another poster said, even with the shops that are closer to his house, he may have difficulty carrying the shopping home, which is where the lift in the car is helpful.

Of course some elderly men, particularly in the countryside, can just expect relatives/neighbours to run rings about them, without much appreciation. I've seen this happening within my own family. The thing to do is to help a little, but do so on your own terms. Don't get too drawn in.

Maura74

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Maura, with respect, your post is coming off as pretty defensive.

The OP clearly said the elderly gent was giving out about other neighbour who was unable to give him a lift. It's also considered rude to not acknowledge a regular favour someone does for you- a simple bottle of wine or something at Xmas to say thanks would be acknowledgment enough for me.

Expecting people to constantly drop everything at your whim AND not showing gratitude is downright rude, elderly or not.

Also, it's off topic, but care homes aren't always the worst. My beloved granny had to go to one in the end as we simply weren't able to give her the care she so badly needed. They were living saints in that place and made her last days dignified and comfortable. I just felt that needed correcting.

Lollipops, I am concern that you find my post pretty defensive.

The OP did not mention that the elderly man was giving out to him about another neighbour being too busy to give him a ride home. The OP said that his elderly neighbour said that the other neighbours were too busy to give him a ride home, I cannot see how that can be interpreted as giving out!

The OP said that this elderly person lived down the road from him and apparently this elderly man has asked before for assistance to get home from shopping at supermarket.

You said in your post that it is rude not acknowledge a regular favour when someone does it for another person, however the OP did not say that the elderly man did not thank him he said: 'he knew that the man was not poor and has reputation as being stingy' therefore, he was expecting some money from him for driving him up the road to his home. Also, the OP did not say that his elderly neighbour expected him to drop everything and drive him home that was your interpretation of his post.

As it is off topic, I will only say that I am very pleased that your grand last days were with saints. However when you get time, Google 'bad care homes' and you will see what I mean.

After reading another post on the board, I now feel that there is some Good Samaritan posting on the board and is actually looking out for more vulnerable people in their area.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056858006

Maura74

Maura74 wrote: »

the OP did not say that the elderly man did not thank him he said: 'he knew that the man was not poor and has reputation as being stingy' therefore, he was expecting some money from him for driving him up the road to his home.

The OP specifically stated that he wouldn't take money if offered, he just wanted some form of appreciation such as an offer of money. In other words, some thanks.

Also, the OP did not say that his elderly neighbour expected him to drop everything and drive him home that was your interpretation of his post.

The OP did say that the neighbour said that another neighbour had claimed they were too busy to take him, and that he implied that they should have taken him anyway. In other words, dropping whatever it was that was making them busy.

Lollipops23

Maura74 wrote: »

The OP did not mention that the elderly man was giving out to him about another neighbour being too busy to give him a ride home. The OP said that his elderly neighbour said that the other neighbours were too busy to give him a ride home, I cannot see how that can be interpreted as giving out!
[QUOTE/]

Not so Good Samaritan wrote: »

When he knocked on my door on another occasion he told me how my neighbour had refused him, saying he didn't have time, he more or less implied that my neighbour should have brought him anyway.
[QUOTE/]

Maura74 wrote: »

You said in your post that it is rude not acknowledge a regular favour when someone does it for another person, however the OP did not say that the elderly man did not thank him he said: 'he knew that the man was not poor and has reputation as being stingy' therefore, he was expecting some money from him for driving him up the road to his home.
[QUOTE/]

I'm sure the OP would have mentioned if he had shown any appreciation- they said it wasn't as if he'd take money from the man, just that the show of ANY appreciation would have sufficed.

Maura74 wrote: »

Also, the OP did not say that his elderly neighbour expected him to drop everything and drive him home that was your interpretation of his post.

He knocks on doors til he finds someone to drop him home. That's expecting people to just drop stuff for him. IMO, it's rude to bother strangers at home unless it's an emergency.

RossFixxxed

Just because you are old/infirm/different/young/anything doesn't mean you're not a crappy person.

Maura74

Not so Good Samaritan wrote: »

Just back from doing a good deed, but didn't want to do it!
WHY DO IT THEN. People normally do a good turn because they feel good about it.

An old guy who lives about a mile away knocked on my door (not for the first time either) looking for a lift home after shopping in the nearby supermarket.

The poster did not say how old in year the man was. I am assuming that he was retired. Looking for a lift home is not that unusual in the country are where there is not much transport, it is done all the time in Ireland.

He appears to knock on all the doors in the street until he finds someone home, and willing to drive him.
How does the poster know this, he could not know why this man was knocking on door as he was not with him. The poster was only assuming this.


There is a smaller supermarket close to his house, so it's not as if he needs to use the one near me.
Surely this man could use whatever supermarket he likes and does not need permission do so.


I know he isn't poor, and he has a reputation for being stingy. Despite numerous hints on previous occasions about the price of petrol etc. he has never even offered a cent. (In all honesty I only want to be offered it, I wouldn't accept it)
The poster obviously wanted money from the man otherwise he would not have mentioned it. The poster was disappointed for not getting payment for giving the gent a ride home and then he made the remark about his neighbour knowing as being stingy, if he know this, why mention money in his post. Was it to take the emphasis of not looking bad for making reference about money, the poster went on to say he would not accept it, me thinks not. The poster did not say that the man did not thank him verbally, but not with money as the poster obviously wanted.

When he knocked on my door on another occasion he told me how my neighbour had refused him, saying he didn't have time, he more or less implied that my neighbour should have brought him anyway.
This is the poster interpretation of what the man said to him. I am sure the elderly gent did not want anyone to drop things and jump to his assistance. If it was a good neighbour anyone decent person would have asked the man in for a rest and if s/he was really decent give him a cup of tea and let him warm up and if they could not drive him home ask him if he needed to get a taxi for him.
Part of me thinks he is just a stingy old guy, who takes advantage of others charity, another part says we will all be old someday and need help from others.

Yes, and perhaps the people that the poster asked for assistance will be more generous and do not think they are after charity. And then get on to a computer and ask strangers on the web if it was the right thing or not to assist the neighbour…How sad is that….

As I said, he's not poor, just hates spending money

Why go on about this again….

Should I run out the door to start the car next time I see him on the street, close the curtains and pretend I'm not home, or tell him to f....ing call a taxi?

I do not think the poster come across as the kind of person that would run anywhere for anyone let along someone that needs assistance. Just be honest with the neighbour next time and say I will take you home if you pay me. Honesty at the end of the day is the best policy.

Maura74

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Just because you are old/infirm/different/young/anything doesn't mean you're not a crappy person.

There are all sorts of reasons why some people why some people feel crappy the main reason would be if they unwell and in constant pain from aged related conditions and not being able to the things that they took for granted when younger, also lacking strength and vitality because of sickness or age. Some disable people regardless of age find it frustrating when they cannot do the things that they used to do before they became disabled.

I have never met anyone walking around with a smile on their face when they in pain or sick and want to throw up all the time.

Bosses both young and old can feel ‘crappy’ if they do not meet targets and are under pressure. Being 'crappy' has nothing to do with people identity.

Maura74, your posts accuse others of making assumptions (even though those assumptions do have some basis) while at the same time your posts make some ludicrous assumptions themselves. I don't know why your posts are so defensive but surely you can see the difference between a regular lift and the case of the OP?

You say that because of our lack of public transport (and indeed because Ireland isn't a country where everyone has a car) people getting lifts is a very common thing. But there's a difference between getting a lift and knocking on random doors in the neighbourhood until someone feels guilty/awkward enough to help you.

Clearly there is something wrong that this man is in a position where he has no arranged lift or other way of getting home. But it is not up to the OP to drop everything for him, for no thanks, when he's clearly being taken advantage of by this man. And it does not make the people who are encouraging the OP to stop chauffeuring him bad people (or petty carers who must be swimming in cash).

Neyite

Maura74, Lollipops, True-or-False, keep on topic and keep your replies constructive and addressed to the OP.

Maura74. Everyone is entitled to give their view of the OP's situation without you arguing every point with them.

Milk & Honey

Maura74 wrote: »

I do not think the poster come across as the kind of person that would run anywhere for anyone let along someone that needs assistance. Just be honest with the neighbour next time and say I will take you home if you pay me. Honesty at the end of the day is the best policy.

Unless the o/p has a PSV licence and car it is illegal for him to charge. The o/p is not a taxi. He is not insured to carry paying passengers. He should either do it as a neighbour/friend or not at all. The only other way to stop it is to say "sure but I have to go somewhere else urgently first". If he gets in, drive off with him stop somewhere and get out and leave him sitting in the car for an hour or two before coming back and bringing him home. He will soon get the message.

LegacyUser

OP here. I've been following the posts here, most of which express the conflict I feel about the situation myself.

@travellingbid, good point about the karma, probably why I haven't refused in the past.

@jammywammy, glad someone here understands about wanting to be thanked (even a Christmas card would have been enough).

@judgefudge, as you say, it depends on the hassle, on the day I originally posted, i was only in a short while from a long day at work, didn't really want to go out again that evening, but of course he wasn't to know that.

@Oryx, I think you are right, maybe if I just said no once, I'd feel less pressured and more willing the next time.

@true or false, think I might just openly ask him for 2 Euro and see what happens! (To those who think I want the money, I promise to give it to SVP)

@Caramay, I expect him to show some gratitude! I know other pensioners who wouldn't dream of asking anyone to do anything without some form of payment. Also as someone who works long hours with a long commute time is precious to me.

@enchanter, it's what I'd love to do, but even I couldn't make an old guy wait outside on a cold night.

@Looksee, maybe you're right and he thinks that he is entitled to do it? (and I am surprised at how others here think I have nothing else to do either)

@keithclancy, I think that is what bugs me, his expectation and no sign of appreciation.

@Caramay I'm not going into details, but it's a small town, he's not stuck for money (and what makes you so sure I can afford the petrol?)

@Chatterpillar, perhaps he does want company, Whilst I know people who live on his street, I am not a neighbour, I live in another part of the town. And he has relations who live near him too. With work commitments there is no way i could bring him shopping each week, maybe i'll ask someone like SVP if they can help him.

@Maura74, It might be harsh of me, of I have no desire to invite him in for tea, I think I will make enquiries to see if there are organisations with members who are willing and able to help him. He has never talked about his past, just mentions whatever alilments etc he has etc. As to politely refusing...I've heard what he says about my neighbours who also politely refused!!

@RossFixxed, Exactly how I feel

@Lollipops 23 thanks for the SVP suggestion.

@Maura74. not going into what I know about his finances, house etc. I get the feeling you are taking his side, and probably someone should, but he is basically rude, stingy and demanding.
As I live in a smallish town, I can't give more examples here Maura, but you are way off the mark. but it is good to know there are people out there like you who freely give their time and money helping others.

@Lollipop, thanks, i agree not showing gratitude is rude.

@curlyzy, I dont say no for all the reasons you stated.

@citygirl1, he calls to me after he has done his shopping. so i have no choice about the time etc.,

@Maura74, if you reread my OP i did mention his reaction to being told no by another neighbour (its a public forum so not going into details), I also said he lives about a mile away, not down the road. Lollipops has a more accurate interpretation than you. I repeat, i dont want the money, but feel taken for granted without at least the offer of something, even a card at Christmas would have been enough!

@true or false, thanks for trying to clarify what I posted, you got it right

@Lollipops, As previously stated you accurately read and understood my OP.

@RossFixxed, As you say anyone can be a crappy person, unfortunately some people take advantage of their perceived circumstances at the expense of those with genuine needs.

@Maura74
--do people only do good turns to feel good? I did it solely because if anything happened to him on the way home i'd feel bad, if I felt good about it wouldn't have come here to rant about it!
--This is a small town, not a rural area, I remember years ago people used to hitchhike, I don't ever remember people knocking on doors looking for a lift.
--I know he knocks on other doors (amazing what you can see when you have windows!) so it's not an 'assumption'
--He can of course use any shop he likes, but not at the expense of others surely!
--As regards the money, I've said it before and say it again..I want to be appreciated not feel taken for granted, I'm fortunate not to have to worry about a couple of euro.
--I can assure you that the 'elderly gent' most certainly expects others to drop things and drive him to his destination.
--Perhaps I am too independent, but I could never ask someone for help without offering them something in return (and I have given my time to others here on boards before)
--my point about him having money is that he could just hire a taxi, IF he didn't expect to get free lifts from others.
I think I'll take your suggestion and look for money from him the next time (don't worry it will go to SVP not to the local bar) Then at least I will know if he calls again he wasn't taking advantage.

--I think you have misunderstood RossFixxed's use of the work 'crappy', he wasn't referring to the people feeling crappy, he probably meant that in all walks of life there are users, people who just take and take and take...but maybe you have been lucky enough not to meet anyone who wasn't genuine, I envy you if that is true.

@true of false, again thanks for understanding my OP.

@Milk & Honey, Of course you are right, i can't charge, maybe I should stop at the petrol pump, fill up and then say, "I'm 2 Euro short, do you have any spare change?"

I never thought that my post would get so much attention,

Thank you everyone who took the time to read and to post
(at least I now don't feel like a monster for not wanting to help)

mikemac1

chatterpillar wrote: »

It sounds like maybe he just wants the bit of company! Why else would he go to all that bother when there's another supermarket close by.

Small town, there will be a hackney firm and the drivers will have the banter

They are experts on every subject

They give fixed fares, OP can pass along the number
For the distance, wouldn't be more then a fiver

MrCreosote

From what you've said he's just looking for someone to take advantage of- lives a mile away and walks past how many other houses before asking you?

I would turn him down, even if I had the time to go when he asked. In fact if I was heading out the door to the shops when he asked, I'd still say no, change my plans and put off the shop until later. If you accept the first time he'll just keep asking and asking until the inevitable refusal you have to give is much harder to do.

Just because he's old doesn't mean you or anyone else should be at his beck and call. The fact he can presumably walk a mile or more doesn't make him sound in terrible health either.

If you felt guilty about it, you could always call up to him the next time you're heading to the shops (unannounced), and ask if he wants a lift in. If he declines leave it at that.

Maura74

Hope this will not be taken by moderator as taking issue with you OP, but thanks for getting back with your comments on posts OP. It would be churlish of me not to reply. .

I realise we are in a different era now and times have changes a lot since the 40’s when I was young.

When I first moved into my flat about 15 years ago an elderly gent that lived above me used to turn on his taps and left them running and went to sleep. As I was directly underneath him my flat was being flooded out by him. The first time it happened I call the fire brigade as I could not wake my neighbour up after banging on his door many times. I was worried about him as well as myself as the water was pouring into my flat. When the fire bridged people arrived about 4 or 6 big men, I took them up to my neighbour flat and he opened the door wide awake and had cleared up the water in his flat, he did apologies, but it kept happening about 2 or 3 times year after that. I told a friend of mind that worked for the Samaritans and he said to me that he may be looking for attention. This man now goes to a day centre admittedly nearby him and does a lot of activities with exercise for older people that have many medical conditions. The interaction as well at the other activities gave this man a new lease of life. You can physical see the change in in him.

I do feel sorry for older men as they get a raw deal whereas older women (which I am one of them now) seems to get more compassion from the public.

I feel sorry for elderly men today as when they were younger they were breadwinners of the family and did not do any housework or cooking. Today it is totally different men do housework and cooking as well as shopping and looking after their offsprings and have much busier life style therefore time is precious to them.

I know that there is shelter housing in Ireland which would be a benefit to older people that live on their own.

It is also possible that the elderly mandoes not know about taxis in his areas or centres that have activities going on that he can attend during the daytime, he may never have used a taxi before and does not know how to go about getting one, indeed a taxi would give him independence and interaction with others people. Just making the right telephone call may make all the difference to this elderly person quality of life.

As mentioned the elderly man would benefit from some interaction from other humans and some family members are not always that good at looking after the elderly relatives or perhaps he does not want any relative involved in his life anymore and wants keep his independence as long as possible.

Next time he knocks on your door just say to him, 'I would love to drive you home, but I just do not have the time right now'. I am sure he will be able to understand that. There is no need to be rude to anyone. I do good turns for people when I can but I got more time on my hands now to do it. Also asked him if you would like him to call a taxi for him perhaps he would be delighted pleased with you for doing that for him.

OP, indeed I have experienced people taking advantage and it was not just for a ride home either nor was the couple elderly either, they are young and working and earning with good incomes. I do know there are some that you never give enough to and always want more. Sometimes close families can be destructive, but that’s a whole different kettle of fish and not relevant for here.