Family torn apart

Liammc1982

Hi All,
I am hoping someone out there might have advise as to how I can help my family overcome a bitter separation which
is tearing us all apart. My parents had a stormy marriage that lasted thirty years until they separated 8 years ago. It turned
out that my dad had met another woman while working in the city.

Throughout their marriage, my mother dealt with all her issues through drink, if my dad did something without telling
her, if he was late home or if he didn't pay a bill - she turned to drink which turned her into a demon and caused endless
rows which went on to the morning. Towards the end of their marriage, every night out they had ended in a fight. We
never knew what we would come home to after a night out in town such was the volatile relationship they had. My dad
just got into his car and drove anywhere to get away from this. There were instances where we had to call the Garda as things
got so out of hand.

She has not yet accepted any liability for her role in the breakdown of the marriage... she paints the picture of a perfect wife which she
was but only when sober. I accept that my father cheated but if I were in his shoes, I would not wanted to have come home to this each weekend.
Every mistake he had ever made thrown back at him. The subject of my father is a no go area. When my mother takes a drink now, we are the subject of
her abuse from anything bout our father to mistakes we had made in the past. We have been called traitors for anything to do with our father.
She changes from a lovely person into a monster who does not know when to stop drinking. This has resulted in all my siblings not coming near our home anymore. We have witnessed
our mother turn into a stranger while one brother keeps the pot stirring. While we have tried to help our mother get over the marriage breakup, we have this
one brother who always ignites the subject of our father for his own benefit. He built a house on my fathers land without permission and did so using funds
which belonged to our father, which were available to him after he sold a property jointly owned by both (in brothers name soley for mortgage purposes).

My father had his head buried in the sand while this house was constructed 5 years ago. He tried to intervene but was assaulted. We
tried to intervene but felt the wrath of my mothers fury and our sibling. The house is built now but the deeds remain in our
fathers name. My brother has prevented our mother from ever getting over the breakup by constantly going on about our father from
finding out where he goes at the weekend to even making threatening calls to his girlfriend. He puts our father down
to vindicate himself as he has unlawfully stolen land and sold a property. The only person on his side is our mother
who has herself turned bitter and really can only be referred to as an alcoholic having festered in all of this for the past 8 years.

We have advised our mothers family of what is happening behind closed doors as we have tried everything over the past few
years. She is in complete denial of any worng doing. Our family home is no longer a home and we can no longer go there anymore. We are worried about our mother's health
and we do not know where to turn. She is in denial that there is an issue.

She needs closure and she needs to deal with her issues from the past right up to present day. I think the only option
is for our father to seek a legal seperation and claim what is duly his by putting all their assets out on the table to let
justice run its course rather than the avengeful style attack orchestrated by our brother. My father does not want the family home,
only his land which he legally owns.

I don't know what to advise my father but there is no talking to our mother anymore. Does anyone have any advise from related issues?

Ickle Magoo

As the Separation & Divorce forum is specifically for those who are going through a separation or divorce themselves, I've moved your thread here to Personal Issues OP.

All the best.

skyfall2012

There seems to be a few themes running through this thread. Your fathers and mothers relationship. How that relationship has affected the children. Your brother and mother's agenda against your father. Your fathers right to the land.

It sounds like you and your siblings were reared in a very toxic environment. Your parents have been extremely selfish in how they choose to live the remainder of their lives consumed by their own bitterness, without consideration of how all that is affecting their children. Your brother is a product of that dysfunction, he has learned to look out for himself and not to care for other people's feelings.

In the eyes of the law your mother would be entitled to half of everything.

IMO you should stay out of the land grabbing issue and let your father deal with that himself, he is a grown man and this is his and your mother's mess to deal with.
Everything is in his and your mother's name, so legally it cannot be taken from him.

You and your other siblings should seek counselling for the emotional trauma that ye have endured over the years. Ye should try and salvage what you can with one another in terms of family get-together's , try stay in touch and be there for one another and show your parents how healthy people behave and it is possible to live a happy and healthy life and enjoy your family. I hope this helps.

Liammc1982

Thank you Skyfall!!

Your description of toxic is apt. There is very little we can do now really other than salvage what we have and counselling is good idea as you really do forget how much stuff you put on the back burner until you have time to reflect.

Thanks again!

Queen-Mise

That is a ridiculously rough situation - my sympathies to you for having being reared and living with it.

Try to get the ball rolling for getting your mother into treatment - record her some night when she is drunk and show it to her when she is sober (maybe).
Leave some leaflets for treatment centres around the house, see if she would go to an addiction counsellor, AA do calls to houses, see if they would come out. Google interventions for an alcoholic - they will probably be some really good help and tips there.
Consider going to Alanon yourself (for the family and friends of alcoholics) - they are really helpful and will help/teach you how to deal with an active alcoholic.

Maybe tell your mother your feelings some day when she is calm and ask if she would consider getting some help. Keep it about you - don't mention anyone else.

Advise your dad to do things legally - everything in the air like this is not doing anyone any good.

And get some help for yourself.