Birth mothers - Help pls - reunion rocky road

MaryMagdalene

Hi everyone

I haven't posted in awhile for various reasons however now I would like advice from anyone who has gone through the part where your child has pulled back and how to handle it so that you don't lose them.

Thanks.

Elizvonne

Hi MaryMagdalene
I am in contact with my son for the last six months. I hate the periods in between contact as I am always afraid that the contact might cease so I know how you are feeling. I have gotten good support from the adoption rights alliance on facebook. There is also support offered through barnados see details below. I hope this is helpful to you.


If you would like more information about our Post Adoption Service, please contact us.

Dublin

A: Barnardos, Hyde Square, 654 South Circular Road, Dublin 8
T: 01 453 0355
E: adoption@barnardos.ie

Get directions

Helpline

T: 01 454 6388
(Open 10am - 1pm, every Tuesday & Thursday)

rinsjwind

Hi MaryMagdalene

You might also try the Natural Parents Network see;
http://www.adoptionloss.ie/

Hope things go well.

Rins

Peppa

Good luck.

MaryMagdalene

Thanks ladies, I have contacted my original social worker, maybe she will have a few words of wisdom. It is very difficult trying to guess what someone wants when the contradictions are mind boggling. I feel like I am trying to second guess everything at this stage and I must admit am very close to wondering if it is all worth it! I feel I have been used and discarded and I must admit my natural inclination is to shut off all communication and run as far away as I can but I know I would regret it.

I think a big part of the problem is that I got counseling but my daughter refused.

Anyhow thanks again and in the meantime I won't do anything rash and will wait and see what my social worker advises.

Elizvonne - good luck with your reunion, I hope that it all goes well for you.

The_Conductor

Mary- posting to you from the opposite perspective.
The big problem is that you have no control whatsoever over the situation.
I can understand fully why you allowed your daughter control your interactions with one another- probably through fear of rejection- however it would seem that your daughter in turn has used her control of the situation, to treat it as another aspect of her life that she can manage as she sees fit- unfortunately without making allowances for how this affects you.

You haven't done anything wrong here- its just that you are two different people, with two different sets of expectations.

I was always told not to expect anything in particular, and just take things as they come- its probably a good motto for life- as you don't build yourself up to disappointments, though it is impossible to not wait for that card on the door mat at home, or whatever manner of communication you may have, and feel a deep sadness when its not there.

I wish you all the best Mary- I know how hard it is.

Shane

Elizvonne

Hi MaryMagdalene
It sounds like you are in a better place. I hope all works out for you also.

I have to agree with Shane, We have to take things as they come. I have been as open and honest with my son as I can. He has met my other children and knows that everyone wants him to be a part of our lives. If he decides that this is not for him - then at least I know I did everything I could.

Best wishes

Elizvonne

Terri Kiernan

Hi Folks
lately there is so much talk about what happened to birth mothers. I went back for my son whom was 3 months old at the time two wonderful people had agreed to foster him while I got my act together. They refused to give my child back to me they treathened me with the high courts etc etc. I was 18 yrs old My son is over40 yrs old now and I have treid.so many times to make contact with him but he refuses to want any contact. I will never know the lies he was told as I was told so many. My biggest fear is dying without ever meeting him even if just once, just to see his face. I got his original birth cert a fw years ago and discovered he was already adopted before the legal time he will never know how much I wanted and loved him this is the saddest part of it all each day that passes by I wish with all my heart he could know. His birth name is Niall born in st Patricks Navan road on the 15th of October 1973 he weighed 6 ls 6 oz. He was beautiful so beautiful so precious if you know anyone adopted in Cork in his age group please please encourage them to take the risk I will never invade his privacy. thanks for listening.

Evil Robot

Rough road that. Been down it many years back, glad its in the past.

trixy

Hi Terri
I sent you private message , thanks

survived

MaryMagdalene wrote: »

Hi everyone

I haven't posted in awhile for various reasons however now I would like advice from anyone who has gone through the part where your child has pulled back and how to handle it so that you don't lose them.

Thanks.

Hi Mary magdalene I have a very good idea what youre going through as ive had the same problem and i met my daughter 10 years ago. sometimes i get tired and angry when she doesnt reply to txt or doesnt ans fone . I have to talk to myself and pull back for the fear of losing her altogether. Ive not rang since xmas and im hoping i will hear from her soon as I know Ive done everything I could have possibly done for us to work. The very sad part is that she had became an important part of my childrens lives and they dont hear anything much any more and i love and miss my grandchildren and so the circle of pain goes on. I am now just going to let her make the next move and concentrate on my family living with me, she knows shes loved and was welcomed by everyone years ago. Hang in there and try and not let it consume you you may overreact without realizing it. Ive now decided what will be will be . I will be thinking of you and hope everything will work out for you regards survived .

MaryMagdalene

Hi all, thank you so much for the support and good wishes. I can't believe that its been over a year since I wrote that post. Anyhow things didn't improve so in January of this year I decided that I didn't want to continue like this so I wrote her a letter. It was a very difficult letter as I knew I could lose her forever but I also think that she needed to understand how her behaviour was affecting me and that I deserve more.

I tried to be as honest as I could about the circumstances surrounding her adoption but how can you really ever tell the whole truth? It was a different era, a different time and even now when I look back I don't understand some things myself. Anyhow my letter set out my hopes of how I thought our relationship could evolve, which I acknowledged may not be hers, but unless she also tells me hers then we can never move forward.

I take solace that at the very least she knows she was not rejected, she knows I want her in my life and she knows how she can be a part of it if she so chooses even if she chooses not to be at the moment. I wrote the letter early Jan and she said she would write back I hope she does.

Once again thanks for your replies.

sheba99

Hi All

There is a support group specifically for natural mothers on facebook, it's Irish First Mothers. The group is a private group so no one on your friends list can see that you are a member of the group. The group is based on confidentiality and trust. To request membership please email firstmotherstogether @ gmail.com

K