I think I might be depressed

LegacyUser

For the last few years it seems I've been mentally declining. I feel like so much of my life has gone wrong. My parents split under extremely bitter circumstances about 3 years ago, and to this day they're still at each others throats and I'm smack bang caught in the middle, as much as I've tried to distance myself from it. I'm not affected by their separation - they are much better off apart - but I'm very affected by the aftermath of it, but I think there's a lot of other factors as well and that just precipitated it.

I've lost interest in a lot of things - I used to be an active participant in a few clubs, and I just found myself thinking that I couldn't be bothered, and I didn't enjoy it anymore, so I just quit. I think I can safely say there is absolutely nothing in my life I'm passionate about. I feel like my personality has changed a lot as well over the last few years. I used to be very confident and bubbly and chatty. Now I'm really insecure. I constantly worry about what people think of me - which I hate because I used to be the kind of person to not really care. In my head, I feel like I struggle to make small talk and I feel really socially awkward. But I work to cover this up and I don't think anyone knows the sheer amount of thoughts running through my head in every social situation, because I still get described as confident, so I clearly hide it well cos I'm anything but.

I have a close knit of friends from home, and a few other friends in college but I find myself uninterested in going out or socialising much with them. I don't tell them about any of my problems. I feel like they don't want to hear, and regardless, it's like it's impossible for me to share. I think they'd talk to me about it, yeah, but then they'd go home and get on with their life and not let it overly concern them. I feel like telling any of my friends about anything going on in my head would be futile. It won't relieve me of anything, because I'm pretty sure they won't take it seriously and will just think I'm feeling down at that moment and I'll cheer up again in a few days. They're kind of at the stage where they think a night out and a good laugh will cure ya.

It's not as simple as explaining this to someone and that'll take the load off. Telling my parents to back off each other won't work. My mother's a strange one and has made comments in the past about depression that makes me feel like she doesn't really 'believe' it.We have a very strained relationship and I wouldn't talk to her about it anyway. I just don't know what to do. I'm not suicidal, but I have worrying thoughts. I can completely understand why someone would commit suicide and worryingly, I have thought about how it's always at least a resort if it comes to it. And there have been times where I've kind of internally mocked myself for not being brave enough to actually go through with any form of suicide. It's an odd thought process, because I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die, but thoughts about it always seem to pop into my head. I just feel like my head is a huge mess.

Obviously therapy would be the recommendation here, but I'm 21 and unemployed, so feasibly I just cannot afford it. I don't even know what's wrong, no one who knows me would describe me as sad or angsty, and I don't know if I'm sad, I do have a lot of moments in my life where I feel happy and I laugh and I'm grateful, but I have so many moments where I just feel like crawling into a hole and hating so many aspects of my life.

Neyite

OP, start by going to your GP. There are counsellors that work at a very reduced rate for those in need, where you pay what you can afford, and your GP might be able to help you access those services.

trio

Please check out aware.ie.

They have a phone number you can ring, to just explain how you feel and get some feedback. They obviously can't diagnose any depression over the phone, but you may feel a bit of relief just talking to someone who doesn't expect you to be ok.

They also offer free CBT courses countrywide you can do if you have been diagnosed with depression, and those are meant to be brilliant to change the way you think about/react to things.

skyfall2012

Hi OP, I think the other posters advise is very good. I just wanted to say I have had a similar upbringing as you, and sometimes (I think) knowing people have lived through what you have lived through can make you feel a little better.

I am twice your age now, but I was 12 when my parents split up under extremely bitter circumstances too. I think I was depressed for all my teenage years. I felt better once I left home, I went abroad after I left school. I am married now with kids and am very happy.

I wish that there was a boards.ie around when I was younger I think it would have helped me a lot! Though I feel fine now, I am still thinking about seeing a councellor in the future to work through some of the stuff from that time, because I think it will clear my head a little bit and make me a better parent.

Two of my siblings suffer from mental illness, they need to take medication in order to be able to think normally and not be trying to save the world all the time or preach gods word. Anyhow,mental illness is inherited they say, but it is brought on by your environment as well. The point I am making here is that growing up in an unhealthy environment, does have very negative effects on children and I really think that you should take how you are feeling seriously and pursue the route of councelling and your GP is the first port of call. You will really be able to enjoy your 20s with a healthy attitude to life. Good luck OP.