fear of sex (and some general fear)

LegacyUser

Hi all, basically im a normal functioning 31 year old bloke who, other than this issue, is very self confident, very happy in himself and genuinely loves life, and am really not a guy who pretends to be someone else just to impress someone.

But the thing is I think ive developed a deep hindering fear of sex, moreso than just 'some nerves', but I nearly get a panic/fright if I think im about to have intercourse,which throws my whole personality out of order, instead of being fun, chilled out and having a laugh, im suddenly nervous , self conscious and awkward.

Nothing traumatic has ever happened me in this respect, but the difference between me and most blokes is that Ive rarely rarely had girlfriends.

Ive had some bad one night stands throughout my 20s , but few and far between, rarely if ever have I had good sex. My whole association with it now is negativity, the irony is Im good 'in bed' in terms of everything else, just a genuine panic comes over me when I think intercourse is going to happen, and then because of that all the other thoughts start streaming through, like I might be finish too early, I mightnt get it up, etc ,etc.

It came to a head really in a recent relationship with someone who I was crazy about, and even though we had some fun nights, I never had the balls to take it further, not that there was a situation where I refused, but it just didnt happen, and ultimately it started eating me up inside. (I actually dont think she cared one way or another as we were only seeing each other a few weeks)

Unfortunately logical explanations about how Im making a big deal out of something casual, or how its just a bit of nerves, or questions like what am I afraid of, dont help at this stage. I know logically its a load of nonsense.

Im just wondering are there experts in this particular area that I can talk to that can offer sound advice and knowledge? Any particular psychotherapists etc?

I lost a fun part of my 20s, I really dont plan on losing that bit of my 30s tbh.

I was considering escorts, not as a way of "how to get good at sex", just as a way to desensitize myself to it but I still dont trust where they come from and how they ended up in that work.

Thanks

Neyite

OP we cant recommend any psychotherapists here in PI. But your GP should be able to point you in the right direction.

wandatowell

fear of sex wrote: »

I was considering escorts,

Thats a bad idea pal, for many reasons.

skyfall2012

This is not an uncommon fear and your GP should be familiar with this problem and be able to point you in the right direction. Other than that it would come under anxiety and you can find some self help books online that can help you cope with that. Good luck OP.

JuliusCaesar

The Psychology forum has advice on finding counsellors. (Hope that's ok to post! Mods - Delete if it isn't!)

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
You mention ONS that were bad and some events that seemed to put you off sex. I would say that this is where a lot of the trouble stemmed from. You need to put these bad experiences behind you which I know is easier said then done.

Imagine that your body has experiences something and it has been unpleasant so now it reacts to that situation as that is the way it is going to be again. If you were attacked by a group of guys in tracksuits, guranteed that the next time you are walking down the street and you see a similar group your body will react in a way that you will get nervous and anxious.

The problem here is that you want to have sex, your body is desiring it but your bad experiences are blocking the normal series of event that should happen.

Do you masturbate, do you enjoy it?? You have to try and bring that kind of pleasure you experience on your own to with someone else.
Instead of focusing on intercourse why not start forcusing on tidying yourself up, getting out there and chatting up women. Just talking to them. Try and charm them, get to know them. Accept the rejections and then just try again the next time you;re out. You'll eventually meet someone you like, get her number and then start the dating process. Just take it slowly and steady. The more you get to like her then the more you;ll feel at ease.

When you are ready for sex then what you do is do not rush intercourse, let her know what you like, let her **** you and make you cum lots of times. over her, under her, beside her and after a while you'll be so used to pleasurable sexual activity that intercourse will not seem like a big step. (obviously be doing stuff for her inbetween all that). you'll then have stopped overthinking the whole thing and you can get on with a healthy sex life with someone you like.

Hope it works out OP,

I know it seems like a tough deal but really focus on all the good things in your life and take this slowly. Make a plan, that every night out you'll ask one girl for her number. Set little challenges like that. It will work itself out but dont ignore it. Confront it. : )