Ex with others during break up period help?

LegacyUser

I'd like other peoples views on this situation. Girlfriend and I, both 26 split in early October after a 3 year relationship. She ended it with me mainly cause we just were not really getting on and fighting all the time.

I was pretty down about it but eventually accepted it, we had no contact until one month ago when she wanted to get back together. However, she told me she had slept with another guy during our time apart. We have not spoken now for a month since she told me this as I have been ignoring her attempts.

Am I wrong to not want to have anything more to do with her because of this? I feel like I just couldn't ever get past this. I would have been open to maybe trying again but not now. I know she was single but it doesn't really matter to me. I'm going with not talking to her again and moving on completely.

What do others think?

The Princess Bride

confuseddddd wrote: »

I know she was single but it doesn't really matter to me.

You were no longer in a relationship together,so she was free to have other relationships if she so wished.

confuseddddd wrote: »

Am I wrong to not want to have anything more to do with her because of this? I feel like I just couldn't ever get past this.

There is no right or wrong here-you are entitled to feel this way.
If you feel you could never get past this,then so be it.Best for both of you in the longterm,to not be together.

Best of luck.

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msthe80s wrote: »

You were no longer in a relationship together,so she was free to have other relationships if she so wished.



There is no right or wrong here-you are entitled to feel this way.
If you feel you could never get past this,then so be it.Best for both of you in the longterm,to not be together.

Best of luck.

I'd have to completely agree with this poster. You were not together when she went off with someone else.
However some people can't get past these kinds of things and that's ok too. Just means you now must move on and close the ex-girlf chapter of your life.
If things were really rosy you'd never have broken up in the first place.

I think if I was devastated over a break-up I wouldn't be off hopping into bed with someone else so quickly after breaking up with someone. My point being...I would also question whether she is the right person for you. But that's just me. I would probably think along your lines.

Lorna123

I know it might be hard for you to think of her with someone else during your break up, but surely a break up is for being single again and when you are single you can sleep with whoever you like. This break has made your g/f realize that she prefers to be with you so that has to be a good thing. Was the break meant to be just to get a bit of space from one another or was it a trial separation that would have continued had either of you met someone else?

I don't think that you can expect someone else to live up to your expectations in this regard but as far as alienating her forever over this, well.........I think that is childish and immature. Sorry OP, but you either want this woman or you don't but if you are using her sleeping with someone else during a break as an excuse for not getting back with her then I don't think you are serious about her and I think you are way out of line here.

LegacyUser

I know full well that she could sleep with whoever she liked as we are totally broken up. I know that as clear as day, but to me that doesn't matter. Yes I'm being unreasonable but that's just how I feel.

She broke it off with me, it was no trial or nothing, complete breakup. She then sleeps with someone else and then wanted me back... does no one else see this from my point of view... it's almost insulting to me that she would think I wouldn't have a problem with this. I've had the chance to sleep with other women but didn't want to... I actually had zero desire to at all.

Maybe I am not serious about her, I do still love the girl and we were in a relationship for 3 years, it's not that I'm using it as an excuse, if this had not of happened I would have taken her back no problem.

Seems my views are outdated maybe?! No one else would not be ok with this?

judgefudge

I'm not going to say you're wrong for feeling that way. Different things effect people in different ways.

But considering she did nothing wrong (she really didnt!!) I think the least you could do is explain to her that you can't deal with it and you would rather move on.

At the end of the day she did nothing wrong so you could show her a bit of decency and try to end on a good note.

ash23

I think I'd feel the same as you OP. No, sh didn't cheat or anything. But she ended your relationship, hurting you in the process and then went out and tested the waters so to speak. Didn't like what she found and now wants to undo what she did.

I think just tell her that it's not something you can get over and you don't want to make an attempt to get back together, wish her luck and get on with your life.

Holsten

Yeah I'd be the same, I wouldn't get back with her.

Tell her it's just something you cannot get around and then cut contact with her.

CaraMay

Yeah let her off - for her own sake. She was single and you sound very infantile. Chances are she will meet someone else soon anyway who won't have an issue with normal adult interactions.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the input folks!

I e-mailed her earlier on today and told her there is no way we can get back together because of this, it would just eat at me forever so I decided to completely cut contact.

It seems around about 50/50 from the replies so I guess it depends on the person, but for me it's just a big no no.... I can't see past it.

If the shoe was on the other foot and I dumped her, if I really wanted to get back together I wouldn't be out sleeping with others.

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah let her off - for her own sake. She was single and you sound very infantile. Chances are she will meet someone else soon anyway who won't have an issue with normal adult interactions.

Well the problem from the start was she did in fact meet someone else, I don't know who but slept with him pretty quickly. She is still begging me to give her another chance, I have no ill feelings towards her really. I wish her all the best but I cannot be with her.

Infantile? Perhaps, I'm happy with my decision though, she doesn't seem happy with hers.

CaraMay

She will be in the long run. She did nothing wrong and I would not want to be with someone so controlling and suspect she will see it that way too soon.

Tasden

confuseddddd wrote: »

Thanks for all the input folks!

I e-mailed her earlier on today and told her there is no way we can get back together because of this, it would just eat at me forever so I decided to completely cut contact.

It seems around about 50/50 from the replies so I guess it depends on the person, but for me it's just a big no no.... I can't see past it.

If the shoe was on the other foot and I dumped her, if I really wanted to get back together I wouldn't be out sleeping with others.



Well the problem from the start was she did in fact meet someone else, I don't know who but slept with him pretty quickly. She is still begging me to give her another chance, I have no ill feelings towards her really. I wish her all the best but I cannot be with her.

Infantile? Perhaps, I'm happy with my decision though, she doesn't seem happy with hers.

The exact same thing happened to me. He broke up with me, broke my heart, slept with someone else then decided he wanted me back. I knew I couldn't forgive that no matter how much he said he was single and within his rights to do so. But at the end of the day I never wanted him to be single, he decided to be single, he decided to put me through that hurt and then he expects me to pick up from where we left off, basically I felt the only difference between that and cheating was that he relieved himself of guilt because he declared himself single before he did it. Completely wrong but you can't help how you feel and I know from experience that these feelings get in the way of any reconciliation. If you wanted to try again I think you'd need to start over and wipe the slate clean which I don't think you can do when experiencing the feelings of betrayal you are atm, from my experience anyway.

I think you made the right decision if I'm honest. Not because she deserves punishment or anything but because of the way you feel and view the situation. Best of luck and look after yourself.

ash23

OP, my ex had cheated on me, dumped me (still denying he had cheated) and went off and spent a few days with this girl, then came back to me saying he wanted to give it another go. At the time he told me he had to go and see if anything would come from it or he'd wonder forever. :rolleyes:

For anyone who says that you are being controlling etc, they have obviously never been through the pain of being broken up with then being told that while you were heartbroken and sick to the stomach with the grief of the breakup, they were off having their jollies with someone else.
It's degrading and hurtful and it completely changes your view of someone. I couldn't stomach thinking of my ex making love to another woman in my house, in my bed, and then just go back to the way things had been like nothing had happened. I loved him and I wanted to be with him but I knew I could never get over that.

It's not about control or being infantile. It's about being hurt very badly and how something that a person can do can change the way you think of them and the way you feel about them.

OP, I didn't get back with my ex and am now with someone who is so much better for me in every way. As far as I know he is still with the girl he cheated with so I suppose it worked out for everyone in the end.
Best of luck with it.

Stavro Mueller

It's worth bearing in mind that when someone breaks up with you, they may have been thinking about it for a while in their heads. The bit where they say it to you is the final step in the process. So really, while you were coming to grips with the break-up, your girlfriend was in another place in her head. Don't forget either that she dumped you so in her mind it was over and she was moving on. So I think you are being unnecessarily harsh. But hey, you can't control your feelings.

Seeing as you weren't getting on very well and were fighting before the split, it probably is for the best that you're not getting back together. If you did, you'd really have to work at that aspect of things or you'd be back to square one. You'd also want to be getting back for the right reasons, not because your girlfriend realised that faraway hills aren't greener and she's returning to safeness and familiarity.

Anyway, best of luck for the future. You're perfectly entitled not to get back with an ex, regardless of what they did or did not do while you were split up. This issue was going to eat away at you and probably corrode the relationship anyway.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Good for you. Personally I would be in the same boat. I think it's funny when people get outraged that you're not following "the rules", like how dare you be upset she slept with someone else shortly after dumping you and leaving you in bits.

I think OP that some people don't realise that rules don't apply to emotions and that no matter how much you tell yourself she was perfectly entitled to "normal adult interactions" (whatever that means) that won't take away the anger, rage and the horrific ball of pain in your abdomen that she put there.

So yes move on and maybe find a girl that treats their partner and sex the same way you do, I think you'll be much happier with someone more compatible.

I think you cutting contact politely and letting her go is best for you in the long term and in the short term to put it in a very infantile way, you won, she dumped you and came crawling back and you got to tell her, sorry but you're not good enough I'm moving on. Personally I don't it's wrong to feel a sense of satisfaction in that : )

Onwards and upwards OP, best of luck.

Rented Mule

Two things come to mind here.

1) You were broken up. She has every right to live her life the way that she feels fit to do so.

2) You have every right to feel the way that you feel. It is your life and you are going to live it the way you want to. If you show her the door, then that is 100% your right. You get one go around in life. Live it the best you can.

kylith

In fairness, OP, did you expect her to never sleep with anyone else in case ye got back together?

If this isn't something you can get past then tell her that and draw a line under the relationship. Neither of you are in the wrong here.

Big Bag of Chips

I think its wrong to break up with someone, go off and have your fun, and then want to get back with the person you dropped, just to have that fun.

I think it can be seen as quite controlling behaviour by your ex. She breaks your heart. Has her fun, and then thinks its ok to click her fingers and have you back?

There's not many people would be happy with that sort of treatment OP. You can't get past that, and that is absolutely your right. Technically she was single, but she was the one that ended it... I wonder did she always have in mind to get back with you after 'a break'?

As another poster mentioned, nobody is wrong here - but I think she is more wrong than you

If you got back with her, you'd spend your time wondering if she was going to get bored and want something different again.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

I think you cutting contact politely and letting her go is best for you in the long term and in the short term to put it in a very infantile way, you won, she dumped you and came crawling back and you got to tell her, sorry but you're not good enough I'm moving on. Personally I don't it's wrong to feel a sense of satisfaction in that : )

The thing is I feel no sense of satisfaction at all. I'm pretty sad and broken up about it really. I still love the girl and would have been open to trying again if she hadn't of done this.

kylith wrote: »

In fairness, OP, did you expect her to never sleep with anyone else in case ye got back together?

No of course not, don't be silly. It's just to me, and it seems to others that once an ex has slept with someone else that is the cut off point of getting back together.

Great to read all the replies and input from everyone!