Disappointed

cuddlyunicorn

Hi, thanks in advance for reading this

My boyfriend is a very busy guy. Between his college, weekend job and hobbies he only very rarely has a day off. This means we only spend 2-3 hours together a week max. Some weeks we don't see each other at all.
This week however, he has been off since Tuesday evening and will have the whole weekend off. The only thing he has suggested doing with me over all of his free days is going to the cinema at the weekend to see a film he knows I don't have much interest in.
I'm disappointed because I thought he would want to spend some decent quality time with me on these rare days off. I'm a bit annoyed and am considering being "unavailable" for the cinema.
Would this be petty? and in your opinion am I over-reacting?

judgefudge

cuddlyunicorn wrote: »

Hi, thanks in advance for reading this

My boyfriend is a very busy guy. Between his college, weekend job and hobbies he only very rarely has a day off. This means we only spend 2-3 hours together a week max. Some weeks we don't see each other at all.
This week however, he has been off since Tuesday evening and will have the whole weekend off. The only thing he has suggested doing with me over all of his free days is going to the cinema at the weekend to see a film he knows I don't have much interest in.
I'm disappointed because I thought he would want to spend some decent quality time with me on these rare days off. I'm a bit annoyed and am considering being "unavailable" for the cinema.
Would this be petty? and in your opinion am I over-reacting?

I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him about how you feel. Pretending you're not available in my opinion is a little petty and it's not going to get you anywhere. If you are going out for 3 years you need to be able to talk to him. It could be a simple misunderstanding or somethin else. Best to know anyway.

Crooked Jack

It really depends on how long youve been going out for and what sort of a relationship you have

Bambii_

You should talk to him about this as it is clearly making you unhappy. If he doesn't see an issue or show an interest in spending time with you maybe you should think about whether this relationship is right for you? Also, pretending to be unavailable for the cinema is just petty. If you would rather spend the time doing something else just say so. Nothing will change if you don't communicate.

Boombastic

OP you say you other half is a very busy guy who rarely has a day off. Maybe he wants some downtime to just relax on his days off! I wouldn't go down the route of being unavailable. Talk to him and see can some compromise be reached, suggest something else to do if you're not in to the film he wants to see and go from there.

Merkin

Tell him you'd love to see him but not to be stuck in a cinema watching a film you've no interest in. Be more assertive and make the three hours you have together quality time rather than sitting in sufferance in the dark watching some snorefest film.

Beruthiel

cuddlyunicorn wrote: »

I'm a bit annoyed and am considering being "unavailable" for the cinema.

Instead of playing games, why not just straight up tell him how you feel and what you want?

cuddlyunicorn

Beruthiel wrote: »

Instead of playing games, why not just straight up tell him how you feel and what you want?

I have talked to him about spending more time together a few times before. Each time he apologizes and says that we will see more of each other.

I don't want to play games by not going to the cinema but I feel like I can't be bothered making the effort anymore as I'm always at the bottom of his list of priorities.

R.D. aka MR.D

Well then why don't you take the time he is willing to spend with you on Saturday night and sit him down and explain to him that you do not want to be with some one who doesn't make time for you.

See what he says. If he makes the same excuses/promises then ask him what's different this time.
If he is not willing to give you more of his time and you are not happy, then it might be time to call it a day.

I don't see how you two can have a fulfilling relationship if you only see each other for 3 hours a week. Is there lots of texting/phonecalls?

Boombastic

cuddlyunicorn wrote: »

I have talked to him about spending more time together a few times before. Each time he apologizes and says that we will see more of each other.

I don't want to play games by not going to the cinema but I feel like I can't be bothered making the effort anymore as I'm always at the bottom of his list of priorities.

OP You need to tell him one more time how unappreciated you feel, if he still doesn't listen maybe it's time for you to reconsider whether you want to stay in this relationship or not? Consider if it is just a rough patch and he doesn't realise with all the rest of the things that's going on, or is it more deep rooted?

People drift apart, it happens.

squonk

My 2 cents is short and sweet but is this. If you just see him 2-3 hours a week then he's putting his life ahead of the relationship. Personally if I had downtime I'd be looking forward to spending as much of it as I could with my OH but maybe take some downtime to chill so I wasn't wound up and taking my pressure/tiredness out on them. It'd be more than a cinema trip and the fact he's dragging you to something he wants to see without discussion speaks volumes. You're a default girlfriend so he can say he has one and you are there to fill a bit of time. Have more respect for yourself and walk. Find someone who values you to your fullest and who won't always use work/hobbies as an obstacle to being with you. No matter how busy he is I'm sure he could drop in for an hour or two some days of the week. He's not that interested and you don't have to put up with this. Move on!

RossFixxxed

Before we go off the deep end here, what have YOU suggested you do together? Does he have to come up with every activity you do? Can you talk about it?

There's not enough info in the OP to jump down the poor guys throat tbh. @Squonk for all we know he lives 200 miles away and can only make it out once a week, we just don't know yet.

cuddlyunicorn

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Before we go off the deep end here, what have YOU suggested you do together? Does he have to come up with every activity you do? Can you talk about it?

There's not enough info in the OP to jump down the poor guys throat tbh. @Squonk for all we know he lives 200 miles away and can only make it out once a week, we just don't know yet.

He does live about an hours drive away during the week. He only got his car sorted at Christmas so before that he was relying on public transport. I accept that he is away a lot and is very busy that's why I am disappointed that he didn't want to spend time together during his days off.

I used to suggest doing all sorts of stuff but I gave up because he was always busy when I asked and I got fed up of being rejected. That's why I leave date arrangements up to him now.

kat.mac

I wouldn't be 'unavailable' on the night OP; that's kinda cutting your nose off to spite your face, because you do want to see him. I would just tell him that you'd rather not go to the cinema, and maybe come up with one or two alternatives that suit you instead. Just explain that you'd rather not sit in silence, in the dark for two hours on the rare occasions ye get to spend time together. If he's any way reasonable he'll see the sense in that, and it won't be an issue.

I totally understand why you're disappointed that he hasn't made any more plans with you over his free weekend. But on this, I have a couple of point to make. Firstly, are there maybe lots of other people he needs to spend time with? Close friends, family members etc? It's possible that he has a lot of people looking to see him and he's just trying to please everyone.

If that's not the case, why don't you suggest doing else with him, such as going for a walk/drive on Sunday afternoon etc?

From my own experience, you're doing yourself no favours by sitting there being disappointed. Take the initiative yourself and if he's taking you for granted, it's up to you to point that out and make him realise that something needs to change!

Best of luck OP!

ManOfMystery

2-3hrs per week equates to 12hrs per month, max. That's 1 day per month you get to see him, or under 2 weeks out of every year.

That's not really what I would class as a normal bf/gf relationship. Of course, you would expect that if he lived abroad but considering this isn't meant to be a long distance relationship .............. it's a bit woeful really. An hour's drive isn't that much.

Many of us lead busy lives with work and hobbies and whatnot, but sometimes you have to prioritise your time and give up something so you can spend decent quality time with a family or partner. It sounds like your other half is comfortable enough with seeing you for only a few hours a week, which makes me think (sorry to sound harsh, and sorry for the cliche) ............ he's just not that into you. If he really pined for you, missed you, or wanted to see you more, I'm sure that would take precedence over some of the other things he seems to have going on.

cuddlyunicorn

I've decided not to go to the cinema tonight as I found out that some of his friends and one of their girlfriends are going too.

CaraMay

Have you talked to him?

Sorry op but he is just treating you like a fwb

Boombastic

Sorry OP


Though, if you didn't tell him about not feeling appreciated and wanting to spend a bit more time together, he may not realise why you are upset, or even that you are upset.

You might be feeling that he choose to go out with his friends over spending time with you, while he might see it differently. ie.you chose not to go and spend time with him (he might not see the issue with his friends also being there) and then are complaining that he does not spend time with you.

I don't know if that comes across the way I mean it.

tl:dr- Communicate!

Neyite

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RossFixxxed

cuddlyunicorn wrote: »

He does live about an hours drive away during the week. He only got his car sorted at Christmas so before that he was relying on public transport. I accept that he is away a lot and is very busy that's why I am disappointed that he didn't want to spend time together during his days off.

I used to suggest doing all sorts of stuff but I gave up because he was always busy when I asked and I got fed up of being rejected. That's why I leave date arrangements up to him now.

Ahh.. Ok that's different. I coudn't tell the situation from your OP, but the fact he doesn't make any time to see you isn't good and rejects your suggestions.

I guess talk to him and explain how you feel, and see is he willing to acommodate you at all. It sounds pretty poor though. He could just be completely ignorant of the situation or set in his ways. If he can't make any compromise at all it sounds like you are more of a hook up than a partner tbh.

mood

cuddlyunicorn wrote: »

He does live about an hours drive away during the week. He only got his car sorted at Christmas so before that he was relying on public transport. I accept that he is away a lot and is very busy that's why I am disappointed that he didn't want to spend time together during his days off.

I used to suggest doing all sorts of stuff but I gave up because he was always busy when I asked and I got fed up of being rejected. That's why I leave date arrangements up to him now.

Does that mean that he was doing all the traveling?

RossFixxxed

mood wrote: »

Does that mean that he was doing all the traveling?

This is a good point. It's too easy from the OP to assume he is totally wrong. We are only getting one side. Is there any reason he may be distant, unwilling to do activities other than cinema etc?

mood

RossFixxxed wrote: »

This is a good point. It's too easy from the OP to assume he is totally wrong. We are only getting one side. Is there any reason he may be distant, unwilling to do activities other than cinema etc?

And does he go out with friends etc and not invite you occasionally? And how long are you together etc.

cuddlyunicorn

I did all the travelling before he got the car fixed.
He asked me to meet up on Saturday afternoon when I said I couldn't make it to the cinema. I met him and we went for a drive for an hour but then he had to rush off to some family thing.
He is always doing stuff with his friends without me.
Together 7 months.

RossFixxxed

cuddlyunicorn wrote: »

I did all the travelling before he got the car fixed.
.....
He is always doing stuff with his friends without me.

Those 2 things do not sound good. Does he want any kind of relationship or are you just an FB on the side? Do you meet his friends at all?

It keeps on sounding worse each post to be honest.

mood

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Those 2 things do not sound good. Does he want any kind of relationship or are you just an FB on the side? Do you meet his friends at all?

It keeps on sounding worse each post to be honest.

I agree. If you are not included in someones social life after a couple of months it's not good IMO.

Have you meet any of his friends or family?

How did you meet?