Snog, Marry, Avoid

LegacyUser

I would normally be of the opinion that you should take someone as you find them & usually make up my own mind about people. But I'm at a point in life where I don't want to be wasting time with a relationship that is going to come to a dead end in 6 months, a year or whatever.

I started dating someone recently,and I like him very much. It's a point now where we are starting to get serious and I've allowed others opinions to get under my skin and I'm a bit afraid of getting hurt. Now I must say he has been nothing but great, he is a very warm person and we have great fun together and share a lot of the same values.

some of my friends are of the opinion that I need to be careful. He is a very attractive guy in his late thirties, looks after himself and is really into fitness etc. He has no problem attracting women, but apart from a long term relationship in his early twenties nothing has lasted longer than 6 to 9 months max, he's gotten fed up with them or bored or somethng along the lines of that. They are also all very attractive, very fit and much younger than him (early twenties).

I don't really fit in this box, I'm 30 years old and have a little boy from a previous relationship. I do like to think I am attractive but obviously I'm not going to be able to keep up with girls in their early twenties forever. Now on one hand I'm thinking, he is dating me and pursued me so he obviously likes me but I'm worried that if the looks start to fade he'll drop me too, or maybe he will just get bored of me.

I'm usually so confident when it comes to dating etc. I was in a relationship from late teens up until my late twenties and over the past few years I've enjoyed dating but haven't met anyone that I wanted a relationship with until now. Maybe I'm just getting nervous about nothing.

Opinions, does this type of guy ever settle down or will I be another one on the list?

Mervenut

I'd urge caution, he could be a player, by any chance is he a ski instructor? My friend was triple timed by a similar sounding guy last year! Be very careful!

bakergirl91

SnogMarryAvoid wrote: »

I would normally be of the opinion that you should take someone as you find them & usually make up my own mind about people. But I'm at a point in life where I don't want to be wasting time with a relationship that is going to come to a dead end in 6 months, a year or whatever.

I started dating someone recently,and I like him very much. It's a point now where we are starting to get serious and I've allowed others opinions to get under my skin and I'm a bit afraid of getting hurt. Now I must say he has been nothing but great, he is a very warm person and we have great fun together and share a lot of the same values.

some of my friends are of the opinion that I need to be careful. He is a very attractive guy in his late thirties, looks after himself and is really into fitness etc. He has no problem attracting women, but apart from a long term relationship in his early twenties nothing has lasted longer than 6 to 9 months max, he's gotten fed up with them or bored or somethng along the lines of that. They are also all very attractive, very fit and much younger than him (early twenties).

I don't really fit in this box, I'm 30 years old and have a little boy from a previous relationship. I do like to think I am attractive but obviously I'm not going to be able to keep up with girls in their early twenties forever. Now on one hand I'm thinking, he is dating me and pursued me so he obviously likes me but I'm worried that if the looks start to fade he'll drop me too, or maybe he will just get bored of me.

I'm usually so confident when it comes to dating etc. I was in a relationship from late teens up until my late twenties and over the past few years I've enjoyed dating but haven't met anyone that I wanted a relationship with until now. Maybe I'm just getting nervous about nothing.

Opinions, does this type of guy ever settle down or will I be another one on the list?

Hi op! In my opinion this could go either way. He could be a serious player. Be cautious but I think he is serious for the reason that his type has changed as you have noted. It could show he wants the real thing because you would be more mature for him and what he actually wants. And 30 is not a million miles off being in your 20s. He is clearly interested, so don't over think too much. Take this all as a compliment :-) I wouldnt be too off about his lifestyle unless he was socialising in a crazy way :-) and age gaps are more common now in datng, so he may have been serious about all those girls initially, unless you know it was just to keep him occupied ! hope things work out for you! :-)

LegacyUser

Mervenut wrote: »

I'd urge caution, he could be a player, by any chance is he a ski instructor? My friend was triple timed by a similar sounding guy last year! Be very careful!

Gosh that is awful, but no he isn't a ski instructor.

He isn't crazy socialising or anything, he trains a lot as he is into sports so nights out would interfere with that. He does go out a bit though & he's pretty much invited me or met up with me if I was with my friends every night he's been out since we met.

I guess I'll just have to proceed with caution.

Neyite

OP, no relationship lasts forever. Everyone gets their heart broken at some point by losing who they love whether it happens after six months when there is not enough in common according to one person or after 60 years because one partner died first. But broken hearts mend too.

So enjoy it for as long as you have it. It may last, it may not. But whats the point of ruining the excitement of the early stages of a relationship by worrying and second-guessing and being suspicious? If it doesn't work out, you'll have some nice memories of a hottie in old age.

Esoteric_

If you didn't know about the length of his past relationships, and ignored how his exes looked, would you be this worried?

Who cares how many people he dated, and how long his relationships lasted? It's not an indication that the same will happen with you!

If you really can't help but focus on his past relationships, bear in mind that he has had one serious relationship before, which means clearly if the right person comes along, he can do it again.

He treats you well, you seem to like him, he clearly likes you, he's attractive, I guess I'm not seeing much of a problem here to be honest.

Don't let your doubts and uncertainties ruin what could be something wonderful.

RossFixxxed

I hate to use a quote from a song, but I would recommend an approach that is 'careful and unafraid'.

Don't deny yourself that has the potential to be wonderful, but listen to your gut and you don't need to throw yourself into it headlong either. Relationships take time to grow and bloom (or the opposite). Give it time to grow and keep an open mind and a cautious heart!

CaraMay

A lot of men and women are players until they meet the right person and maybe that could be you.... You seem to be putting a lot of thought into what he thinks of you, at this stage you should be figuring out if he is the right person for you and not just because you are afraid he might hurt you.

Why are you listening up other people?!?!? Isn't it a good thing he hasn't stayed in dead end relationships when he knew they weren't right for him???

You are putting up plenty of blocks to the relationship so maybe subconsciously you know he is not for you. This is all about your issues and from what you have said very little about his actions. If you can't handle his looks and lifestyle then don't stay with him as he deserves to be happy and in a healthy relationship too.

daisybelle2008

SnogMarryAvoid wrote: »

I'm worried that if the looks start to fade he'll drop me too, or maybe he will just get bored of me.

Do you see what is backwards about your above comment?

Just to elaborate on the excellent points Caramay made. Look at your self esteem. You are making his opinion of you more important than your own opinion of you.

If you believe and like yourself you won't tolerate or want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way so it is no longer a worry or a fear. In otherwords you are in the driving seat of your own happiness.

dannyc31

I'm worried that if the looks start to fade he'll drop me too, or maybe he will just get bored of me

i dont think she is being backward or lacking self esteem with this comment. she's just stating an obvious fact. peoples looks fade as they age or put on weight and the profile of a serial player would be to trade a girlfriend in for a younger model. thats just how it is and she's right to protect herself to this possibility. imo he seems to fit the profile also the fact he is in his late 30's and not married or commited would add to my suspicions that he either cant commit to one woman or just doesnt want too.

from a mans point of view, i would say be very very careful. if you are happy to live each day as it comes, and just enjoy your time together then all is well. but if you are the tyoe that thinks 5 years down the road in terms of marriage etc, i would say for your own sake be careful with this guy.

daisybelle2008

dannyc31 wrote: »

i dont think she is being backward or lacking self esteem with this comment. she's just stating an obvious fact. peoples looks fade as they age or put on weight and the profile of a serial player would be to trade a girlfriend in for a younger model. thats just how it is and she's right to protect herself to this possibility. imo he seems to fit the profile also the fact he is in his late 30's and not married or commited would add to my suspicions that he either cant commit to one woman or just doesnt want too.

from a mans point of view, i would say be very very careful. if you are happy to live each day as it comes, and just enjoy your time together then all is well. but if you are the tyoe that thinks 5 years down the road in terms of marriage etc, i would say for your own sake be careful with this guy.

Just to be completely clear I was not calling the OP 'backwards' I was saying the logic is back to front. i.e putting more importance on how he might feel in the future rather than her own feelings. I do believe it is lacking self esteem. It is not really a question of if trying to predict how he will behave in the future or judge him on his past, neither is going to be truly accurate.
It is about trusting herself and being able to act on how she feels in the relationship and being confident enough to give him a chance or not. If she does it is about liking herself enough not to tolerate if he starts acting the maggott and she stops feeling good in the relationship.

She has more more power, instinct and decision than she realises.

It is far to early to be worrying about him 'dropping' her in the future, sure she might be bored of him before that even happens there are no guarantees of anything.

LegacyUser

Ok I have to say despite how it may come across in my post, I do not have any esteem issues. I am actually probably more confident than most people. Not to be arrogant but I am quite the catch

Realistically though, what I am concerned about is that we're a few months in now and it's getting to a point where I am developing real feelings for him. I'm just afraid of getting hurt. Of course I wouldn't tolerate him, or anyone for that matter, acting the maggot, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt.

I guess it's true that you are taking a chance with all relationships so I'll just go with it. I like him and he has been nothing but a perfect gent with me thus far.

jimmycrackcorm

Why are you afraid to invest in a relationship because you are unsure if it will be short lived? By taking such an approach you are probably going to ensure it will fail?

No one knows the future and cannot second guess the outcome. Give it a chance and even if it doesn't work out then be prepared to deal with that then.

CaraMay

Well if you are such a catch, you have no worries then so just enjoy.