Relationship advice

tina100

Hi everyone. I am new to this forum this is my first post. I need relationship advice I have been with my boyfriend now for 9 years we live together for the last 5/6 years. He is a big part of my life he always goes out with me and my friends but this does not happen on his side I have only met one of his friends who is engaged. His other group of friends that he has been close to for the last two years I have never met he always goes out with them and never invites me yet he has met there girlfriends well the ones that have girlfriends. We argue about this all the time I have even cried in front of him over it but nothing changes I no its important to go out with your friends but never to be introduced to his friends is hurtful. He promises this and that oh I will introduce you but nothing has happend this is going on for two years now. He is going out again tonight once again I am not asked to go he always says its a lads night out but I dont believe this as he has met there girlfriends on nights out. Its hard after 9 years together but I am getting a bit suspious that I have never been asked out around his friends. Id love your opinion on what ye guys think of the whole situation should I walk away.....

judgefudge

To be honest I would be upset too. To never have been introduced is weird. Do his friends even know of you? Through Facebook or anything even? It sounds a bit suspicious.

tina100

He says they no of me but I really wonder. Like if ever my friends have anything on he automitically assumes he is going without me even saying and thats fine but u think he would think Oh im sure she would want to be included in mine. I no myself there is something wrong like his so close to them but wont bring me out around them. Like its one of his friends going away party tonight and he didnt ask me he was like its a lads night out but I no thats not always the case he loves using that excuse. He turns it around on me then saying I am over-reacting and being paranoid that I do doubt myself then but deep down I really no this is not ok

judgefudge

If its the case that these are close friends and in two years he hasn't invited you out once with them I wouldn't worry about being paranoid. You're not. He's just turning it around on you which is not fair of him. Do they go out often?

LegacyUser

If something doesn't feel right you should go with your gut feeling. Maybe its the case that he acts differently around these friends and would be embarrassed to have you around incase you comment on it? Not to alarm you and it might not be the case for you, but my ex would never introduce me to people towards the end of our relationship, and now I know its because he wasn't happy with me anymore.
Not saying this is the case with you but there's definitely a reason why he's not introducing you to people.
Hope things work out for you x

tina100

his friends are out every weekend and he did go out alot with them. In October we had another argument about it and I threatened to leave he promised he would change and I told him he has till xmas since the arguement he didnt go out till tonight his friends were calling him asking him out majority weekends since the arguement but he wouldnt and I would always be like come on we will head out his excuse would be no money it really has me thinking did he not go out cause he promised to bring me out and felt he would have to? So as you can see its after xmas and I didnt end things and he went out tonight which is his first night since October and I am really wondering is he thinking oh well she said she would leave if nothing changed nothing has changed and she hasnt left so his out again

Neyite

Well, you gave him the ultimatum, and he never did what you wanted so what will you do now? Will you leave him as you said you would?

tina100

Its hard after 9 years of being together but I feel I need to walk away from it as I am not part of his life and I guess Ill never no the truth behind that I really hope I have the strength to walk away as I am not happy with the way I am being treated

R.D. aka MR.D

Have you asked him why?

Tell him you know there is something up and ask him to be honest with you.

Maybe he thinks you would not get along with his friends and doesn't want to have to deal with that.

Jupitermars

Hi OP,

I am sorry you are going through this. I personally think it is very strange!

I think it is important if people are going out that they can socialise at ease with each others friends.

When you say you are suspicious, what do you mean? Suspicious of what exactly? Another woman, laddish behaviour?

Fair enough if they are the laddish type, but surely some weekends/nights out you could go out with them!

I would personally be really annoyed, do you feel for you personally it could be a deal breaker?

tina100

I have asked him why soooo many times and his like your so paranoid there is no reason behind it I just havent had the chance those kindy excuses he uses. I dont no if he thinks I wouldnt get along with his friends I am quite and can be shy at first but once you get to no me I am very easy to get along with well thats what people say to me anyway

tina100

Hey jupiermars.

What I mean by suspicious is cheating on me his friends are friends with a lot of girls and I sometimes wonder has he been with one of them and afriad to bring me out just incase she will say anything but I guess Ill never no the truth

judgefudge

It's tricky to feel like you're not part of your partners life. He should be wanting to show you off, not trying to hide you away! It seems kind of disrespectful to me...

If you have given him an ultimatum and he still hasn't changed I would be inclined to just tell him you can't deal with it anymore and take some time on your own. If he still doesn't come around or at least explain himself it may be time to leave.

RedorDead

Speaking as a guy with experience of this position i have sympathy for you OP. Are you saying you have never met this group of friends? Are other girlfriends invited out as well?

From my experience - if you are on a lads night out and one guy brings a girlfriend the buzz of the night is completely different. If more than one brings a girlfriend its fine. I would think he is just afraid of this and afraid of ruining the night out for his friends. I am not condoning this behaviour but it is a conversation guys with girlfriends have from time to time ahead of these nights, the whole "are you bringing the bird" text.

If no girls ever turn up at these nights - its weird but slightly understandable why he doesnt invite you. If you are an exception its a much bigger issue IMO.

Jupitermars

Again , I am sorry for your situation. It is horrible as well to live with that mistrust, or a niggling feeling or unease.

I would wait until mid - week , when all the alcohol is gone out of his system to have a chat with him.

9 years and not meeting this group of friends once is not right, espescially as you have already raised it with him, he promised it would change but it did not, he just avoided going out instead.

I would give him one final ultimation (if you feel that you should ...maybe not). Tell him it is hurtful to you, tell him to tell you truthfully why he doesnt ask you out. Tell him that you will go out with him this weekend with him and his friends. Tell him not only this weekend but other weekends also as you want to be more apart of his life and feel it is unfair/strange that he shuts you out. and if he comes up with some exscuse again well then i think you know yourself what is best for you.

all the best

Mervenut

You are together 9 years and living together for 6 and this is how he treats you!! I'M shocked that you have let him treat you like this for so long, he is being an immature dick and needs a kick in the arse! You said you'd leave him and you should, he is totally disrespecting you!

I would leave and tell him that when he learns to treat people his "loves" with respect then he might be ready for an adult relationship, but you're not wasting another day of your life on him! He's dumped!

tina100

Thanks everyone for the messages it has meant a lot to me I have put up with him saying the same thing for so long 'oh your paraniod' and making me feel I shouldnt ask to be included in his life I used to doubt myself at times and I cant believe I let him do that to me. I feel I have no energy anymore I am sick of the constant arguing about the same subject I am tired of feeling insecure because he wont introduce me to his friends. I really need to have a good think about this but I no myself I need to leave cause at this stage I doubt he is going to change I have been at him for two years to introduce me to his friends and nothing but yet he has meet his friends girlfriends on nights out but its always just a 'lads night out' Ill let ye all no how I get on Thanks

Stavro Mueller

What I find worrying here is that instead of allaying your fears and introducing you to his friends, he's coming out with the "You're so paranoid" line. You also mention that when you go out with your friends, he automatically comes with you. All the time? Do you ever get to spend time on your own with your friends?

tina100

Ya I do but majority of times his out with me but not all the time

sffc

Firstly OP let me say I think his behaviour is at best weird and at worst horribly hurtful and disrespectful to you.
Is there some difference between you that might explain (BUT NOT EXCUSE) his behaviour? Are you from very different backgrounds/cultures/races ? Are you heavy? Are you teetotal?
Like others I'm mystified but I'm 100% sure there has to be SOME reason. Best of luck OP x .

ash23

That's really strange OP.

I think if I were you, I'd arrange a party in the house and tell him to invite his mates and that you are inviting yours. Tell him upfront that it is really important to you that he invites them and that you meet them. Let him check with them re: dates before you arrange anything so that he can't say they are too busy.
And if he still doesn't come up trumps, end it because he is clearly not going to change things.

Don't let him tell you you're paranoid. It's plain strange that he is keeping you away from his friends. Within a couple of months of starting seeing my boyfriend he had been out with my friends and I'd been out with his.


Oh and even if you are from a different culture, or heavy, or teetotal, if he is hiding you because he is ashamed of who you are, then dump him.