How do I deal with this

LegacyUser

Going anon as the username suggests. Would appreciate some advice with this.
Me and partner bought a house about 25 miles away from where we wanted to live in the boom because of the prices at the time etc. When we bought he was in a great job as was I. We had planned to stay for about 3 years then sell up and move back to where we wanted to live.

I'm sure there are a lot of others who did the same, I hope someone out there can offer some advise.

Basically 6 years on he got laid off and is working for very low pay just to get out and do something, I was promoted and am lucky to be in such a secure job, and we have no chance of selling/ we also owe a bit in Credit union loans. We are getting there slowly but surely and hopefully in 3 years we will be completely out of debt other than our mortgage which isn't a huge amount either.

Every couple of months he looses the plot completely shouting and ranting about how he hates living where we live and that we have no life etc. He will get so bad that it takes him a week or 2 to get out of his sulk. I have explained over and over again that when the loans are gone we can rent out our house and rent somewhere that we want to live. Our jobs and kids go to school where we want to be also because of after school care.

What I'm asking is how do I cope with this. What can I say to him to get him to understand. He is like a child that didn't get what he wanted at xmas. We have a good relationship other than this big issue. I try to explain that there are a lot of people in our position and we should be grateful that we didn't buy where we wanted or we would probably have lost the house by now. There was a difference of about 100k in house prices at the time.

His way of dealing with it is he wants to surrender the house and go and rent somewhere! rediculous imo.

Anyone been in a similar situation. Any advice much appreciated.

skyfall2012

It sounds like the frustration builds up in him and he lets off the steam every few months. It is hard for a lot of people to accept the way things are now, because we went from things being so good and so much hope for the future, to what you just described and a lot of people feel like their opportunity to follow their career path and become what they wanted to become is slipping through their fingers.

I think you need to start explaining to him that these rants are affecting you and the kids in a negative way and they are hard to live with and really what is most important in his life now, celtic tiger or no matter what economic situation we are experiencing, is his family which he is the head off (along side yourself).

You never know what life will throw at you and if he wants meaning in his life, he needs to re-evaluate his outlook - raring his family and ensuring their happiness and teaching them 'when life throws lemons at you, you make lemonade'. Giving in to yourself is futile.

Rosy Posy

He needs to take responsibility for his own feelings and what is probably his sense of shame in being unable to contribute as much as he would like to getting your family to where you want to be.

I have some experience of this with a family member where the female partner was the higher earner and the male partner was laid off so she assumed the lions share of the bread winning. I noticed in this situation that he began to put her down systematically, I suspect to assuage his shame. I think that we women underestimate the importance than men attach to being able to provide for their family. I have heard men liken it to women's ability to bear children. I am not saying this to justify your partner's treatment of you- how he is treating you is totally unacceptable- it just might be helpful in this situation to understand where he is coming from (afaics- for all I know there might be something totally different going on here for him).

If I were you I'd take him aside and reassure him that you and your family respect and need him and he provides so much more for you all than can be measured in monetary terms, but that you can not and will not be his whipping boy. I don't know if you are married but you are in a de facto relationship for better or for worse, and right now you are going through the 'for worse' bit. He needs to understand that you are in it together and by turning on each other and flinging blame around you are only going to make it unbearable for your whole family. Once he starts off on one of his rants you need to gently remind him that you love him but you are not responsible for his feelings and then walk away before he has a chance to snowball.

As far as walking away from what you've already put into the house and renting- that's pure madness as he should know himself if he stops to look at it. From what you say the mortgage isn't a huge drain on your finances compared with your other borrowings, were you to walk away from the house now not only would you be renting for the rest of your lives but you'd still be struggling to get out of debt. Is that the kind of legacy he wants to leave for his children? He has to see that no matter how attractive it is to up and run once you have a family and dependants you have a responsibility to them too.

Hope this helps, op, my heart goes out to you.

LegacyUser

skyfall2012 wrote: »

It sounds like the frustration builds up in him and he lets off the steam every few months. It is hard for a lot of people to accept the way things are now, because we went from things being so good and so much hope for the future, to what you just described and a lot of people feel like their opportunity to follow their career path and become what they wanted to become is slipping through their fingers.

I think you need to start explaining to him that these rants are affecting you and the kids in a negative way and they are hard to live with and really what is most important in his life now, celtic tiger or no matter what economic situation we are experiencing, is his family which he is the head off (along side yourself).

You never know what life will throw at you and if he wants meaning in his life, he needs to re-evaluate his outlook - raring his family and ensuring their happiness and teaching them 'when life throws lemons at you, you make lemonade'. Giving in to yourself is futile.

Thank you so much for your reply. You have no idea how many times I have said all of the above to him and he just doesn't get it. My eldest also has a very close network of friends where we are and will be going to college this sept. All going well. I told her from day one that we would be moving eventually and she was ok with that as she would be old enough to drive to see her friends and her college would be close to the rented house.

He focuses way too much on his own happiness and not enough on any of the rest of us. I seem to be trying to keep everyone happy all of the time.

He has said he will be gone by the end of the year as he's wasted so much time there already. Almost like an ultimatum for me. He has lots of debt as it is but would rather walk away and bury his head in the sand. Thats where we differ. I'm all about paying back what you owe. He thinks the world/banks/govt. owe him something.

I wake every morning with a knot in my stomach thinking about whats going to come out of his mouth next.

I've started to switch off from him but really is this anyway to have a relationship. What else can I say. We can't do it until the debt is gone. Same thing every few months. I wish he would rant to someone else about it so they could make him see how rediculous he is being.

LegacyUser

Rosy Posy wrote: »

He needs to take responsibility for his own feelings and what is probably his sense of shame in being unable to contribute as much as he would like to getting your family to where you want to be.

I have some experience of this with a family member where the female partner was the higher earner and the male partner was laid off so she assumed the lions share of the bread winning. I noticed in this situation that he began to put her down systematically, I suspect to assuage his shame. I think that we women underestimate the importance than men attach to being able to provide for their family. I have heard men liken it to women's ability to bear children. I am not saying this to justify your partner's treatment of you- how he is treating you is totally unacceptable- it just might be helpful in this situation to understand where he is coming from (afaics- for all I know there might be something totally different going on here for him).

If I were you I'd take him aside and reassure him that you and your family respect and need him and he provides so much more for you all than can be measured in monetary terms, but that you can not and will not be his whipping boy. I don't know if you are married but you are in a de facto relationship for better or for worse, and right now you are going through the 'for worse' bit. He needs to understand that you are in it together and by turning on each other and flinging blame around you are only going to make it unbearable for your whole family. Once he starts off on one of his rants you need to gently remind him that you love him but you are not responsible for his feelings and then walk away before he has a chance to snowball.

As far as walking away from what you've already put into the house and renting- that's pure madness as he should know himself if he stops to look at it. From what you say the mortgage isn't a huge drain on your finances compared with your other borrowings, were you to walk away from the house now not only would you be renting for the rest of your lives but you'd still be struggling to get out of debt. Is that the kind of legacy he wants to leave for his children? He has to see that no matter how attractive it is to up and run once you have a family and dependants you have a responsibility to them too.

Hope this helps, op, my heart goes out to you.

Thank you so much. I agree with everything you have said, the majority of which I have said to him. Things changed so much for him when we bought the house. He lost his job, his brother died and money became very tight. He is old fashioned enough as well, as in he thinks he should be the bread winner as you say and at the moment he isn't.

If anything I am the one that should be pissed off about it. My job has remained good and gotten better and I am the one shouldering all of debt. I wanted to sell and rebuy also but his circumstances changed and we couldn't and I have accepted that.

My priority is giving my family a good stable life without too many stresses and he brings all of this stress to me, because he has no one else to rant to. He does, but I'm sure he won't want to hear what they will say and he will realise he is being selfish and unrealistic.
I need help finding a way of keeping myself calm/sane when he is going off on one.

Just to add he has a hobby also that is based where we want to live and it involves alcohol and I suppose, his only social outlet. He is self employed and works all the hours god sends him. I collect him from this place whenever he goes out and this is never enough for him. "you shouldn't have to collect me, I should be able to get a cab". Its just never enough.
I drive an hour to work and home again every day and never complain about it. I'm on my own with the kids every weekend as he works and again, I never complain about it. I've tried reasoning with him but nothing is working. As you say i am not responsible for his feelings and you are right, but he says that living where we do is making him mentally and phyiscally ill.. What in the name of god do i say to that

Thanks again for your input, my friends are sick to the teeth of listening to me about it, its good to get a neutral veiwpoint

skyfall2012

Yes he is being selfish definitely. But people who are suffering from low mood, often behave like they are the centre of the universe, and I would suggest that he maybe look for some councelling (don't know how much it costs or if it can be accessed for free), this really helps to clear his head.

There is also these Men Shed's where men meet up and work on a project and talk about the things on their minds. Or maybe contact Aware for him, but they also might have a support network for people like yourself coping with people like your husband.

I have a feeling you will say he won't go to these things and in that case I would recommend you go and get help dealing with a husband who just refuses to see the situation from you and your kids point of view.

He is behaving immaturely and could be jeopardizing all that is good in his life. He has a beautiful home, wife and kids and lives in a community that he could start to enjoy and not be thinking about moving away all the time.

Someone told me about a book once, written by a nurse who worked in an old folks home for the wealthy and the main message in the book was that, all these wealthy people when asked what their biggest regret in life was, (the majority answered) pursuing wealth and not spending enough time enjoying their family.

I really hope your husband wakes up to himself soon and starts to look at life more positively. A lot of people are in debt, but we cannot let it ruin our lives.

LegacyUser

skyfall2012 wrote: »

Yes he is being selfish definitely. But people who are suffering from low mood, often behave like they are the centre of the universe, and I would suggest that he maybe look for some councelling (don't know how much it costs or if it can be accessed for free), this really helps to clear his head.

There is also these Men Shed's where men meet up and work on a project and talk about the things on their minds. Or maybe contact Aware for him, but they also might have a support network for people like yourself coping with people like your husband.

I have a feeling you will say he won't go to these things and in that case I would recommend you go and get help dealing with a husband who just refuses to see the situation from you and your kids point of view.

He is behaving immaturely and could be jeopardizing all that is good in his life. He has a beautiful home, wife and kids and lives in a community that he could start to enjoy and not be thinking about moving away all the time.

Someone told me about a book once, written by a nurse who worked in an old folks home for the wealthy and the main message in the book was that, all these wealthy people when asked what their biggest regret in life was, (the majority answered) pursuing wealth and not spending enough time enjoying their family.

I really hope your husband wakes up to himself soon and starts to look at life more positively. A lot of people are in debt, but we cannot let it ruin our lives.

Your right he wouldn't dream of going to anything like that. I've asked him a few times if he feels depressed and the answer I get it "I wouldn't be like this if we weren't living here". I can't win.

I am thinking about going down the councelling route for myself actually as I am finding it harder and harder to cope with these outbursts. I would suggest couple councelling but I doubt he would go to that either. As far as he is concerned everything thats bad in his life is because of where he lives.

There is no talkng to him. I'm not sure a counceller would even know what to say to me as its his problem?

Neyite

going anon wrote: »

Your right he wouldn't dream of going to anything like that. I've asked him a few times if he feels depressed and the answer I get it "I wouldn't be like this if we weren't living here". I can't win.

I am thinking about going down the councelling route for myself actually as I am finding it harder and harder to cope with these outbursts. I would suggest couple councelling but I doubt he would go to that either. As far as he is concerned everything thats bad in his life is because of where he lives.

There is no talkng to him. I'm not sure a counceller would even know what to say to me as its his problem?

I suspect that this is a red herring. Maybe even he believes that life will be better if you did what he wants, but once you move, and he settles in, that moodiness and emotional abuse will still surface - only this time it will have a different label, maybe the lack of a job, or money or family issues.

Would he go to a session with MABS? Thats not "counselling" but a professional telling him what you have been saying might get him to take your views on board - even if they are just regurgitated by someone else.

He has threatened to leave. Let him do exactly that the next time he kicks off. He needs to stop thinking about him and about you all as a family. So if that means a week or two being a nuisance on his mates sofa, so be it - its not like he seems to be pulling his weight in the household anyway if his hobby takes up the whole weekend. Maybe he needs to see that it would be more than a house he would end up losing if he keeps forcing the issue.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

I suspect that this is a red herring. Maybe even he believes that life will be better if you did what he wants, but once you move, and he settles in, that moodiness and emotional abuse will still surface - only this time it will have a different label, maybe the lack of a job, or money or family issues.

Would he go to a session with MABS? Thats not "counselling" but a professional telling him what you have been saying might get him to take your views on board - even if they are just regurgitated by someone else.

He has threatened to leave. Let him do exactly that the next time he kicks off. He needs to stop thinking about him and about you all as a family. So if that means a week or two being a nuisance on his mates sofa, so be it - its not like he seems to be pulling his weight in the household anyway if his hobby takes up the whole weekend. Maybe he needs to see that it would be more than a house he would end up losing if he keeps forcing the issue.

Thanks for your reply


I've told him to leave if thats what will make him happy, but he says he doesn't want to be without us. Its not the hobby that takes up the whole weekend but his job. His hobby is on a monday night where he gets the bus to the location and I collect him.
I've told him to go back and live in his parents house and to see that living where he wants isn't going to make his as happy as he thinks.

He is very good around the house, he does pull his weight and when he is in good form its great. Its just when hes not the whole house gets dragged down by his mood.
The thing is I am willing to move, once the debt is gone. Thats what we argreed when we originally bought the house. Thing is it will be 2 or 3 years before that happens, but thats not good enough in his eyes. He wants out by the end of the year. I'm sticking to my guns anyway, but its wearing me down.

your right, If he didn't have this to complain about i'm sure it would be something else. I just wish I wasn't on the receiving end of it all the time.

I should probably cop on and stop feeling sorry for myself, but its hard for me too sometimes to deal with. Life is too short.

As you say if we were living in the rented house then and renting out our own one, I'm sure that he would get stressed about money again and start suggesting we "hand back the keys" as he says.
Its about time he grew up.

Taltos

If his moods are up and down maybe it would be best if he talked to his GP or sought professional help.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

If his moods are up and down maybe it would be best if he talked to his GP or sought professional help.

I've also suggested this to him, and again the reply is "I'm not depressed at all if we weren't living here i'd be fine".

I do think that councelling would be great for him, but getting him to go is the problem. Even the threat of him loosing us doesn't seem to be enough to get him to go.


And then you have the other side of that, him saying how can I justify paying 70 euro a week to someone when I can barely pay my bills.

FFS I can't seem to get through at all.

Curry Addict

if he wont grasp the concept, that he is damaging your relationship and may damage it beyond repair if this continues indefinitely. in the interest of saving your relationship, i would push the issue now, rather than suffer on indefinitely and end up with a ruined relationship down the line.

looksee

I understand that your partner's problems and moods are an issue themselves, but what I cannot quite understand is why, if the house could be let and the proceeds of the letting pay for rental elsewhere, you have to clear all your debts before you can do this?

You would be saving the cost of 2 hours of driving every day, and it would give you two more hours at home. Your daughter as you say will be going to college in September, so she would be closer to home. I guess you only have the one car, so he is stranded at home while you are at work. I have been in that situation and know how frustrating it is.

Why do you have to wait another three years? Why do the debts have to be cleared while you are living in the current house? If your mortgage is so small why is there any question of surrendering the house?

You said that you bought the house 6 or more years ago, intending to live there three years, which is now well over, and you are now talking about another three years. Could you not have another look at the figures and see if it could be done to let the present house now and rent nearer your job and in the area your husband wants to be?

LegacyUser

looksee wrote: »

I understand that your partner's problems and moods are an issue themselves, but what I cannot quite understand is why, if the house could be let and the proceeds of the letting pay for rental elsewhere, you have to clear all your debts before you can do this?

You would be saving the cost of 2 hours of driving every day, and it would give you two more hours at home. Your daughter as you say will be going to college in September, so she would be closer to home. I guess you only have the one car, so he is stranded at home while you are at work. I have been in that situation and know how frustrating it is.

Why do you have to wait another three years? Why do the debts have to be cleared while you are living in the current house? If your mortgage is so small why is there any question of surrendering the house?

You said that you bought the house 6 or more years ago, intending to live there three years, which is now well over, and you are now talking about another three years. Could you not have another look at the figures and see if it could be done to let the present house now and rent nearer your job and in the area your husband wants to be?

Thank you for your input.
The house could be let but there would be a deficit of about €250 per month and thats before we loose our tax relief. So we would have to come up with about €350 (currently being paid on a loan) per month to make it work. current mort = €860. Rent for new house = €900 Income from rent = €650~.

The mortgage isn't 'small' but manageable. So you see there aren't any proceeds. Therefore the debt has to be gone first. This will allow us to pay the deficit every month and allow for repairs or is the house is vacant for a month or 2.

The majority of this debt is his debt that I have taken over to actually pay it as he would default on it. By choice.

I also feel that when/if we do move there will be other issues arise. For instance him insisting that now we have somewhere to rent, we should hand back the keys of the mortgaged house, as we can't afford both. And all the moving will have been in vain?

Would you uproot you and your kids because your wife or husband was unhappy with no guarantee that they would then be content?

looksee

Yes, I can see the financial issues are complex. You seem to be a very clear thinking and rational person and I respect your arguments. However you have a demanding and satisfying job that keeps you occupied all day. You have a purpose in your life, you are supporting the family and being the voice of reason.

Your husband has lost his job and his sense of purpose. Does he have any realistic chance of getting a job where you are at the moment? Has he anything to work towards on a day to day basis? Does he have any transport? You apparently do not see each other very much as you are working in the week and he is working at weekends. You come in in the evening full of a sense of busyness from a day of responsibility. Do you ask after his day? Do you suggest that his day may have been worthwhile?

So many women have been in his situation in the past, stuck at home, left to make a life for themselves while hubby does the important things in life, bringing in the money, making the decisions. Your husband appears to be in the same situation but with the addition of the traditional roles being reversed so there is not even the 'ladies who lunch' lifestyle available to him.

I really think that both of you have to consider your situation, maybe you could go together and talk to a counsellor and see if you can meet on common ground a bit. You will tear yourselves apart the way you are going, do you want that?

LegacyUser

looksee wrote: »

Yes, I can see the financial issues are complex. You seem to be a very clear thinking and rational person and I respect your arguments. However you have a demanding and satisfying job that keeps you occupied all day. You have a purpose in your life, you are supporting the family and being the voice of reason.

Your husband has lost his job and his sense of purpose. Does he have any realistic chance of getting a job where you are at the moment? Has he anything to work towards on a day to day basis? Does he have any transport? You apparently do not see each other very much as you are working in the week and he is working at weekends. You come in in the evening full of a sense of busyness from a day of responsibility. Do you ask after his day? Do you suggest that his day may have been worthwhile?

So many women have been in his situation in the past, stuck at home, left to make a life for themselves while hubby does the important things in life, bringing in the money, making the decisions. Your husband appears to be in the same situation but with the addition of the traditional roles being reversed so there is not even the 'ladies who lunch' lifestyle available to him.

I really think that both of you have to consider your situation, maybe you could go together and talk to a counsellor and see if you can meet on common ground a bit. You will tear yourselves apart the way you are going, do you want that?

He does work. Every day from 8 till 3. And at the weekend also. I am lucky to have the job I have and in fairness everything is done in the house and the dinner is made every day when i get back from work. He also has a hobby on a monday night where he can drink away and I collect him. All in all there isn't a lot wrong with our lives except we don't get to do a lot together. He also has transport that is used for his job. He has the option of staying in his mothers when he goes out but chooses not to. Again his argument is "I shouldn't have to stay away". So he sulks and doesn't bother going at all. There doesn't seem to be any compromise on his part at all. I am always the one giving in. Trying to keep him happy.
I have emailed accord to try and get some sort of couple couselling for us both. Hopefully he will be up for it and go with me to try and work through these issues.

Thank you again so very much for your input. It is very much appreciated.

MissFlitworth

going anon wrote: »

I also feel that when/if we do move there will be other issues arise. For instance him insisting that now we have somewhere to rent, we should hand back the keys of the mortgaged house, as we can't afford both.

Your husband sounds very naive about the realities of mortgage debt & 'handing back the keys'. Does he think that's a get of jail free card? Maybe he realises this and just doesn't care but if you hand your house up to the bank you don't stop owing money on it, they'll sell your home for what they can get for it (if they can sell it, interest accruing all the time) and you will be responsible for the shortcomings. So you'll have another large, unsecured loan and no home. It's super unfair of him to try and foist that onto your family. From reading through your posts I'm not sure how you're stopping yourself from just telling him to shut up when he starts having tantrums. As well as the counsellor could you make an appointment to speak to a financial advisor to help bring home the realities of your situation to him? He needs to understand that there's no such thing as just walking away from a mortgage here (or at least, not yet) so he's making all of your lives miserable pointlessly

LegacyUser

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Your husband sounds very naive about the realities of mortgage debt & 'handing back the keys'. Does he think that's a get of jail free card? Maybe he realises this and just doesn't care but if you hand your house up to the bank you don't stop owing money on it, they'll sell your home for what they can get for it (if they can sell it, interest accruing all the time) and you will be responsible for the shortcomings. So you'll have another large, unsecured loan and no home. It's super unfair of him to try and foist that onto your family. From reading through your posts I'm not sure how you're stopping yourself from just telling him to shut up when he starts having tantrums. As well as the counsellor could you make an appointment to speak to a financial advisor to help bring home the realities of your situation to him? He needs to understand that there's no such thing as just walking away from a mortgage here (or at least, not yet) so he's making all of your lives miserable pointlessly

I agree 100% getting him to see this however, it entirely different. He really doesn't care. That in my opinion is selfish. He attitude is "sure we can't give them what we haven't got"!

Believe me i have told him more than just shut up when he goes off on one. But the home is miserable when he is in a sulk. Maybe I just take too much notice of it, but I have told him if it continues he will loose us all and he will get to live wherever he wants then just not with us. This doesn't seem to phase him at all. short of packing his bags for him i'm not sure what else i can say or do to get it into his brain.

He says "we are trapped down there and we're never gonna get out of it unless we just hand back the house". Jesus christ almighty he's 38 going on 18 with that carry on.

I've bitten the bullet anyway and made an appt with accord hoping that they will help me to cope with it. i really hope he changes his mind and comes along. I really do think that this will be the best thing for us.

Thank you all for your very kind words of wisdom. x

username123

going anon wrote: »

There doesn't seem to be any compromise on his part at all. I am always the one giving in. Trying to keep him happy.

Ive read the whole thread, and this bit really sticks out for me. Youre actually inadvertently enabling his bad behaviour. Try to seperate this from being your husband for a minute, would you always go and collect a friend from something if their response to being collected was to unload a bunch of moaning on you? The correct response should be gratitude at being collected!!

I really think the whole exploding periodically about the financial situation is just a symptom of a deeper unhappiness. He really needs to talk to a professional about this. Even just in terms of laying out what he needs to make him happy. Is it that his self esteem is low because of the low paid job, is it that he feels frustrated and trapped with negative equity, is it that he is unhappy over something else? I dont know, and you are probably too close to the situation to really talk to him about it, he needs to speak to someone impartial.

Remember that the only person whose behaviour you can change is your own and that if you continue to accept bad behaviour from him, he will continue to give it. You need to make a stand for your own happiness and peace of mind. This constantly unresolved "Im not happy" rant that comes up every couple of months, it needs to be resolved and if it cannot be resolved between you by talking it out then maybe you need to think about bigger steps like a seperation because constantly going over and over the same old ground and rowing and ranting over the same thing over and over will tear you apart anyway.

TirEoghain

I could be completely wrong here, but I feel that there is more to this than what we have been told. Suppose that's the nature of the problem here, as we only ever hear one side of the story.

I think that a lot of people are being a bit harsh on the OP's husabansd. I know that although that he is the one with the most of the debts and the one who lost the income, I can still see how he feels completely trapped by all of this.

As far as he was concerned it was going to be a few years of living here, and it has now went away beyond that! He probably feels that this is the way it's going to be, debt or no debt.

Be honest with yourself OP, if there were no debts or anything, would you move anyway? I get the feeling that you prefer where you are now, and that he knows that. Maybe he thinks that there would be some other reason not to move once one reason is discounted.

From his persepective, he might think that he is being dictated to by you as to where to live which would make him feel very much that you are the one in control. I'm sure being picked up by the wife makes him feel not very independent either, as I'm sure the pickup time is suiting you more than it is suiting him.

So looking at the idea of renting out your place and renting somewhere else, you're saying that the rent you pay would be 350 less than what you could hope to receive in rental income? That being the case, is there any money to be saved by commuting for either or both of you that could reduce that shortfall.

Are you both still able to work the same jobs from the other location? If you are on a well paid job, and he works 7 days a week, I don't think that the shortfall should be that big a pinch. I'm just saying that based on the jobs background, without much knowledge about how much it costs to run your household.

You obviously have a difference of opinion, and now that yours prevails, he obviously feels defeated and is really feeling it and as such is no longer thinks logically about the whole thing as he seems to see it all is me against her type of thing.

Maura74

going anon wrote: »

I've also suggested this to him, and again the reply is "I'm not depressed at all if we weren't living here i'd be fine".

I do think that councelling would be great for him, but getting him to go is the problem. Even the threat of him loosing us doesn't seem to be enough to get him to go.


And then you have the other side of that, him saying how can I justify paying 70 euro a week to someone when I can barely pay my bills.

FFS I can't seem to get through at all.

Perhaps if you were to say to him that you would go also for cancelling with him and you both would benefit from it.

He may feel that it is not his fault and is being blamed for everything and that maybe making him depressed.

LegacyUser

TirEoghain wrote: »

I could be completely wrong here, but I feel that there is more to this than what we have been told. Suppose that's the nature of the problem here, as we only ever hear one side of the story.

I think that a lot of people are being a bit harsh on the OP's husabansd. I know that although that he is the one with the most of the debts and the one who lost the income, I can still see how he feels completely trapped by all of this.

As far as he was concerned it was going to be a few years of living here, and it has now went away beyond that! He probably feels that this is the way it's going to be, debt or no debt.

Be honest with yourself OP, if there were no debts or anything, would you move anyway? I get the feeling that you prefer where you are now, and that he knows that. Maybe he thinks that there would be some other reason not to move once one reason is discounted.

From his persepective, he might think that he is being dictated to by you as to where to live which would make him feel very much that you are the one in control. I'm sure being picked up by the wife makes him feel not very independent either, as I'm sure the pickup time is suiting you more than it is suiting him.

So looking at the idea of renting out your place and renting somewhere else, you're saying that the rent you pay would be 350 less than what you could hope to receive in rental income? That being the case, is there any money to be saved by commuting for either or both of you that could reduce that shortfall.

Are you both still able to work the same jobs from the other location? If you are on a well paid job, and he works 7 days a week, I don't think that the shortfall should be that big a pinch. I'm just saying that based on the jobs background, without much knowledge about how much it costs to run your household.

You obviously have a difference of opinion, and now that yours prevails, he obviously feels defeated and is really feeling it and as such is no longer thinks logically about the whole thing as he seems to see it all is me against her type of thing.

Thank you for your response. To answer your question, of course i would move away if we had no debts. Both our jobs are based where we want to be, the schools and all of our friends and family are there too. We have nothing where we are, I just choose not to be miserable about it.
Yes it would save us fuel money too, but not enough to cover all the bills also. can I just add that he got an inheritance of 46k back in 2009 that would have more than covered a move, but he owed every single penny of it to different people, this by the way still didn't cover all of what he owed. So if anything, I should be the one pissed off about not being able to go.
As for the picking him up from the pub on monday nights, the collection time is his call. I tell him to ring me 30 mins before he wants to be collected. He also has other options if he feels he is under a time restriction.

kaji

OP, I don't want to be really negative here, but would you feel happier if the two of you split up? He sounds very frustrating and selfish. Forgetting about the house issue, if he's going into dark depressions every month, that will probably always continue. I know someone like this and it's a constant cycle. I know myself that I couldn't live with someone like that. A lot of marriages are held together by familarity and routine rather than love.