Men disappearing...

Foxdown

What would someone tell u that they love u more than u think and then leave and never contact U again or answer ur calls or texts...confirmed that person is still alive and well!!

judgefudge

Would need a bit more context. How long were you together etc? This can happen... Usually as far as I can see its more of a male thing to do...

I'd just take it as a sign of cowardice. He/she wanted out of the relationship and didn't have the balls to tell you. They think the easiest thing for them to do is ignore the situation until it goes away.

Esoteric_

Foxdown wrote: »

What would someone tell u that they love u more than u think and then leave and never contact U again or answer ur calls or texts...confirmed that person is still alive and well!!

We'd really need more information to help you.

But there could be loads of reasons. Maybe they lied, maybe they changed their mind, maybe they got another offer?

Rebecca00

ive been wondering the same thing, to be honest. its more a case of why the lies than why leave....theres no real need to say to somebody that you love them if you dont....its difficult to understand

RDM_83 again

Some people are dicks is the simple answer.
More complex answer, maybe there's a logic to it in that by severing contact completely they think its better at sending the message across that its completely and irretrievably over (still not nice IMO)

Ickle Magoo

Hey Foxdown,

As this is an advice forum for those who require advice on a particular relationship issue, could you give us an idea of the circumstances to your situation/the advice you are looking for?

Rebecca00, if you have a relationship issue - please feel free to start your own thread detailing your own issue and requesting advice pertinent to you.

Cheers.

Rebecca00

um , im fine thanks (?) was just supporting the poster

amacca

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Some people are dicks is the simple answer.
More complex answer, maybe there's a logic to it in that by severing contact completely they think its better at sending the message across that its completely and irretrievably over (still not nice IMO)

Perhaps not really the same thing (I never led her on or told her I loved her etc) but I did just not bother contacting ever again when I asked her if shed like to meet for a drink and I was told something along the lines of "might see when I get some freetime etc"

there could be two sides to it or maybe the lad has low self esteem or issues of his own.......either way probably best leave it at that imo

Foxdown

Going out five months, he was one who said I love u first and spoke of future so I didn't say anything to freak him out....suppose still looking for closure but he obviously doesn't want to talk so not going to make a fool of myself and keep trying to contact him.

judgefudge

Foxdown wrote: »

Going out five months, he was one who said I love u first and spoke of future so I didn't say anything to freak him out....suppose still looking for closure but he obviously doesn't want to talk so not going to make a fool of myself and keep trying to contact him.

5 months is long enough. Sorry to hear that

You may never get closure from him but just keep telling yourself only an ass could do somethin like that! Far better off without!

Stavro Mueller

His actions should be all the closure you need. Even if you did get him to talk, you might not get anything useful from it. Or on the flip side, something hurtful. Be careful what you wish for.

CaraMay

cymbaline wrote: »

His actions should be all the closure you need. Even if you did get him to talk, you might not get anything useful from it. Or on the flip side, something hurtful. Be careful what you wish for.

Yeah i agree. What is there to be gained from closure? Say he says 'well I finished it because I don't like the way you chew your food and I don't like your friends', the next guy may think the way you chew is cute and quirky and love your friends. His reasons for not being with you are individual to him so what good will 'feedback' or closure be?

Closure is giving him one more chance to hurt you and on another level you appearing needy. Personally I would not give him the ego boost. Let him off and don't look back.

dannyc31

you probably fell foul to a man who is known as someone who is "emotionally unavailable". these are the worst type because they cant deal with their feelings at all and as soon as any strong feelings develop they use the push pull technique i.e push you away by disappearing and then pulling you back by appearing again out of the blue telling you they love you all over again. dont be surprised if you get a text from him in a couple of months suggesting this and trying to get things going again.

my advice would be to stay away and move on, just be more careful in the future and judge if someone actually means they love you by their actions and not just by throwing out the love word because they know its what you want to hear.

Foxdown

Thanks for that, that helps me understand psychology of people who do that... Would be interesting to know more about what makes someone behave like that... Maybe they were hurt in past themselves and panic when they develop strong feelings as a result. Would that person be better with a partner who was more distanced with their affections to keep them on their toes?

Neyite

Foxdown wrote: »

Thanks for that, that helps me understand psychology of people who do that... Would be interesting to know more about what makes someone behave like that... Maybe they were hurt in past themselves and panic when they develop strong feelings as a result. Would that person be better with a partner who was more distanced with their affections to keep them on their toes?

I don't think its down to history Foxdown. I had one of those disappearing acts when I was 17. I was his first girlfriend, so he couldn't have gotten burned in the past. Like an idiot, I tried to get closure, and got nowhere. After a year he came back (still without the answers) and stupidly I took him back only for him to do it again. He came back and fecked off a third time, and on the 4th I finally told him to take a hike. A decade later (now married with a kid) he tried to test the waters again. :rolleyes:

To this day, he never gave me closure. But closure is over-rated anyway. Of course you want to know why he chose to leave. That's natural, but even if you dont get the banal platitudes that are trotted out (its not you, its me / I need space / you deserve better etc) and you do get the truth, all its going to do is hurt you. All you need to know is this: He didnt love you enough to respect you or your feelings. He does not care for your hurt or confusion. He is selfish.

Dont contact him - he is not worth it. Dont hand him your dignity on a platter. And DONT take him back when he comes crawling.

Stavro Mueller

Foxdown wrote: »

Thanks for that, that helps me understand psychology of people who do that... Would be interesting to know more about what makes someone behave like that... Maybe they were hurt in past themselves and panic when they develop strong feelings as a result. Would that person be better with a partner who was more distanced with their affections to keep them on their toes?

+1 to what Neyite said.

And, if he comes crawling back, don't alter YOUR behaviour in order to keep him. Just in case that's what you're implying here - I could be taking this up all wrong of course. That if you were more distant with your affection, that you'd have kept him.

And don't change yourself for anyone else in the future either. There's nothing wrong with you or anything you did. That he just fecked off like that and didn't have the courtesy to break it off with you shows that he didn't have much respect for you.

daisybelle2008

The problem with looking for 'closure' is it puts you in the position of depending on the uninterested person to 'fix' how you are feeling. This is a victim mentality. Their actions have demonstrated that they are not interested, do you really expect them to have an honest emotionally charged converstation spelling this out to you??

The smartest way you can deal with them is to have no more contact with them and consign them to the 'not good enough' bin the minute they start acting hot and cold.
And if we are absolutely honest the ceasing contact rarely happens overnight, it dwindles over a period of time. They start reducing the contact, then YOU start making excuses for them and/or accepting their flimsy excuses. Your gut instinct tells you something is wrong but you ignore it and cling on past the sell by date.

Looking to them further to explain why they don't want to contact you is not going to do you any good, and it is not a conversation they want to have with you under any circumstances! Believe in yourself and realise you have been spared and shut the door mentally on that person by yourself. If someones is actively avoiding you (and we know deep down that they don't want to see us) don't waste your energy trying to force them to do otherwise. Someone on here said a good phrase about wasting your time on people who are not interested, it was 'they are blocking traffic'.

Don't be trying to play psychologist either. That is delaying you giving yourself closure (accepting it's over). It is not the rocket science you'd like to believe. All it is is they are just not into you. I know myself when I am not interested in someone I avoid them and have as little contact as possible however when I am interested I put myself in as close proximity to them as possible. Such is life. It is very very easy to know if some is interested, they ummm act interested, if they don't they are either not interested or have serious freaky issues, either way not worth wasting your precious energy on. And you always know deep down, it never feels good when it is one way. Decide for youself if you want more than playing phone tag with Mr/Ms Just not that into you or if you want a lovely easy two-way romance with no doubts and uncertainty.

Start thinking about fun things and other people you like. Spend time with people who want to be in your company, pets, family, friends, clubs.....it's much nicer.

ilovesleep

Daisybelle2008, just on your bit on contact dwindling & making excuses - I would imagine that there are many couples who don't place much emphasis on contacting each other & although contact is limited with them, it doesn't mean their relationship is over. What is the op (or many of us who had the ignore tactic done to us) supposed to do in the future? Take the experience with you & the next time you're pathnered up & the guy goes quiet, automatically persume things are finished between you two?

I'm of the opinion that it wouldn't have taken him 10/15 minutes over a tea or a coffee to explain that things have changed for him & wish her well for the future. As another poster said, it's a form of cowardice & you're well rid OP.

It may be tempting OP to make contact with him or send an accidental message. Don't do this. With the fact that he left you dangling on a string, he wants you to pine after him & he'd be p1ssed off with you not contacting him & more than likely he'll make contact sometime in the futur

daisybelle2008

ilovesleep wrote: »

Daisybelle2008, just on your bit on contact dwindling & making excuses - I would imagine that there are many couples who don't place much emphasis on contacting each other & although contact is limited with them, it doesn't mean their relationship is over. What is the op (or many of us who had the ignore tactic done to us) supposed to do in the future? Take the experience with you & the next time you're pathnered up & the guy goes quiet, automatically persume things are finished between you two?

I'm of the opinion that it wouldn't have taken him 10/15 minutes over a tea or a coffee to explain that things have changed for him & wish her well for the future. As another poster said, it's a form of cowardice & you're well rid OP.

It may be tempting OP to make contact with him or send an accidental message. Don't do this. With the fact that he left you dangling on a string, he wants you to pine after him & he'd be p1ssed off with you not contacting him & more than likely he'll make contact sometime in the futur

I am talking when contact is dwindling and your gut feeling tells you that the other party is losing interest yet you make excuses. I am certainly not talking about a mutual reduction in a new relationship when both partys settle into a routine and are not in as much contact as the honeymoon period. In that case neither party massively doubts the relationship and things feel right and secure.

There is a very very easy way to tell the difference, in the first case you feel insecure, neglected and doubt yourself, in the second you are content enough and happy with the way things are.

And I wouldn't start making assumptions that he is p!ssed off with you not contacting him , he really does not want contact right now. He might change his mind down the road but right now he doesn't care.

Seriously we have a perfectly good inner voice that tells us the difference, we never need a 10/15 minute conversation from the person. It is giving them far too much power over you and you won't learn anything you didn't know already.

You ask what to do if a guy goes quiet again, it is very easy, either you emotional invest in a hot and cold blower and see how that pays off or you decide you want a happy mutual relationship and cut your losses. You are the boss, you get to decide. I decided long ago not to bother with those times as in my experience it never paid off. But people can do what they wish. Listening to my gut instinct means I don't waste time on settling for less than I want (I don't want to be with a disinterested person, its not for me).

I'd be interested in how many people (percentage) have had a disinterested hot and cold blower turn into a romantic fairytale. The percentages are too low for me to take that risk. But others are welcome to. I don't want to be on the end of the phone feeling lonely. It's not something I am willing to tolerate even once. It never paid off in the past and I have plenty of experience with relationships (been married, lived with guys etc..)

daisybelle2008

Add just to add, if I was in a position where I was trying to pin someone down for Coffee to ask them if it was over and/or whether they still interested then clearly I already have my answer.

LegacyUser

Girl i was seeing just vanished,No text,Call,E-mail,Social Media,Cut ties with mutual friends everything....It's not closure i want,It's just to know that someone i genuinely cared for is OK