Cant make friends :(

Neutronale

Hi yiz
Yeh bit of a friends issue, not me, my daughter. Delicate issue as you can imagine. Shes in secondary (13yo) and has "friends" who regularly let her down. So she finds herself alone in her bedroom on a regular basis.

Shes afraid to join anything (youth clubs etc) because she imagines she'll be an outsider and look like a 'loner' etc. Kind of a catch 22.

Anyway just wondering if others are having similar probs and if we can possibly get the kids together and engineer, accidently-on-purpose, a bit of friendship

MiCr0

moved to better forum

LegacyUser

Sorry, but I have no words of advice for you but just to say that I have something similar with my fella. At primary school he was friends with everybody and friends with nobody! I reallly only noticed this in third class when I realised that the friends I thought he had weren't his friends at all. There were a few key indivduals who controlled everything and decided if you were 'in' or not. I'd often have different kids around over the years but the offer was rarely returned. By the time he got 6th class I found that he was isolated, the lads would go around in their different groups and he seemed not fit it to any of them. It really upset me but I have to say he himself was happy at school and if he did notice it it never bothered him too much.

Like your girl, he is 13 and started secondary in September. He's going to a completely different school than his former classmates... he wanted to go there and I felt he needed a restart. He went in knowing no-one, so it was difficult one the first day but he loves it. He says he hangs around with his friends at lunchtime but as yet has not asked or arranged to meet up with anyone outside school. He comes out smiling in the evening so I'm happy with that. I'm sure that he will find new friends there and it will happen when it will happen.

Neutronale

somethingsimilar wrote: »

Sorry, but I have no words of advice for you but just to say that I have something similar with my fella. At primary school he was friends with everybody and friends with nobody! I reallly only noticed this in third class when I realised that the friends I thought he had weren't his friends at all. There were a few key indivduals who controlled everything and decided if you were 'in' or not. I'd often have different kids around over the years but the offer was rarely returned. By the time he got 6th class I found that he was isolated, the lads would go around in their different groups and he seemed not fit it to any of them. It really upset me but I have to say he himself was happy at school and if he did notice it it never bothered him too much.

Like your girl, he is 13 and started secondary in September. He's going to a completely different school than his former classmates... he wanted to go there and I felt he needed a restart. He went in knowing no-one, so it was difficult one the first day but he loves it. He says he hangs around with his friends at lunchtime but as yet has not asked or arranged to meet up with anyone outside school. He comes out smiling in the evening so I'm happy with that. I'm sure that he will find new friends there and it will happen when it will happen.

Thanx for the reply sts.

Doesnt seem to be too many in the same position on B.ie

Dr Sunshine

OP, does she have any friends from primary school or neighbours? If so could she have them over to visit or go to cinema or for pizza at the weekend?

Don't pressurise her to much to join things. Encourage her to do the things she enjoys and listen to what she says. She may just be a girl who likes her own company. If you think it's getting her down try to arrange a meeting with the school and see if she is mixing well in class.

It's so hard at that age, "friends" can let you down, but as they grow older they seem to be there more for one another.

hoodwinked

Neutronale wrote: »

Hi yiz
Yeh bit of a friends issue, not me, my daughter. Delicate issue as you can imagine. Shes in secondary (13yo) and has "friends" who regularly let her down. So she finds herself alone in her bedroom on a regular basis.

Shes afraid to join anything (youth clubs etc) because she imagines she'll be an outsider and look like a 'loner' etc. Kind of a catch 22.

Anyway just wondering if others are having similar probs and if we can possibly get the kids together and engineer, accidently-on-purpose, a bit of friendship

As a girl who from a young age (primary school) really didn't fit in with anyone id say is she happy?

if she is, let her find her own way (i know its so so hard as a parent),
if she isn't then maybe tell her although she'll feel like a loner at youth club so did everyone else at one stage,

teach her a little fear is a good thing because it means she's trying something new and conquering that fear with each new thing she is scared of doing, anything new that she try's is a good thing (if you follow me).


i know with me even at 12/13 i found most of my friends from primary went to different secondary schools and i never saw them again, peers/friends whatever you call them that i had left were just mean, they'd bitch/backstab/be so wrapped up in themselves that even when 'hanging out' with them you'd have no fun whatsoever,

my cousin had a totally different group they grew up together, went to the same school, went to the cinema, out shopping, sleepovers...etc together, different kind of people so it can depend hugely on who is around her...

trying something new will give her the ability to meet new people who she may get along with.

by 18/19 i came to the realisation i got on better with my guy friends than my girl friends and have had majority male friends, and one male best friend since. But at 12/13 that is usually frowned upon by parents (it was by mine as "boys only want one thing") so it can be hard for girls who are like me and find it hard to get on with girls to make friends at that age.

Good luck and i hope what ever you decide i hope it works out!

Lagoona Blue

HI OP . I have a 11 year old girl and I often worry about her . Like your girl she would spend a lot of time alone in her room . her school is outside the area so school mates don't live close by . There's no kids to play with around here either.
So I found I have to keep her busy . I booked her into swimming lessons once a week so at least that gets her out and exercising and also joined her up in the local scouts group . .This was very difficult as she doesn't like to join new groups but I just asked her to try it twice and if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to go . I would also tell her leaders how she feels so they would really encourage her and now she loves it .
I know your girl is a little older but maybe try to get her to join a club . she may refuse outright at first but just try gentle persuasion .
encourage any girls she is friends with to have a sleepover . Also if she has any cousins that age try and get them together every so often .


even though my girl is only 11 she acts and looks like a 13 year old !
hope this helps .

araic88

Maybe if there were a club she were interested in you could contact the coaches/organisers informally in advance and explain that she's shy about joining but would like to. I reckon they'd be happy to ask a friendly/kind child to look out for her and make her feel welcome. As a teacher I find children are generally chuffed to be asked to do things like this.

Neutronale

araic88 wrote: »

Maybe if there were a club she were interested in you could contact the coaches/organisers informally in advance and explain that she's shy about joining but would like to. I reckon they'd be happy to ask a friendly/kind child to look out for her and make her feel welcome. As a teacher I find children are generally chuffed to be asked to do things like this.

Good suggestion araic88, thanks. But my wife feels that she is not quite ready to try anything like that at the moment and feels that she may need counselling.

She's had so many knock-backs and is filled with anger and self-loathing. We tell her constantly that she is lovely and has a great figure but to her she has fat legs and needs to diet :rolleyes: