Opinions on this short story

SebBerkovich

Howdy folks,
I'm in the middle of writing this short story, here's the begining of it, feedback would be great likes/dislikes and suggests for changes very much welcome...

Index Out of Bounds
By the time Dirk Manfighter had made it into the office, he was only 3 minutes early, Cursing the unyielding power of the dame street traffic lights he walked though the male dominated office to his desk, it was lucky that there were no women around because the power Dirk had over the opposite sex meant they were unable to work within his sexually powered musk. This had often led to some project deadlines being pushed back almost 2 weeks; As well as some women asking to be move to desk further away from him.
Dirk took his seat in front of the only desk to contain not 2 but 3 computer monitors; some had said that he was the only one who could deal with that many open java consoles without going completely insane, others say that no one else wanted those old CRT monitors anyway. Either way Dirk was kinda stuck with them and his eyes hurt. He hadn’t even tasted his coffee when a harbinger of doom appeared. It may have been dressed as a harmless manila envelope but Dirk had long ago learned not to trust the blinking icon of pain and still remembers the first time it showed its deceitful face. It was a temperate day in the office; the air conditioner was set to “default”... (Dirks favourite setting) when an email appeared in his inbox; subject “Up to speed” and addressed to a “Dirk Manfcuker”. Due to a HR error long ago, Dirk had briefly been known as Ms. Dirk Manfcuker and while the error was spotted and corrected as fast as the corporation’s “Ultra-Streamlined Impact Win-Win HR Solution” (USIW-W HR Solution) could, those 3 months of being called Manfcuker has managed to stick with some of the other staff. Most notably Dirks nemesis... Celina Sharp a project manager who’s disability to only be able to speak in business idioms had her on a fast track to upper management. This was the very person who Dirk Manfighter had just received an email.
After reading the mail Dirk had either been asked to join Celina for an unspecified sport involving a ball or been asked fix a skylight. Either way, the ball was in his court and he had no idea what this meant. Dirk had been working at Clear Goal Empowerment for just over 2 years but was still unclear as to what he was supposed to be doing, he had spent a full year investigating what position he’d been hired for and come up empty. He’d tried everything from sending an email to starting casual conversations with colleagues and now he was all out of ideas. Perhaps this email was a clue and if so he needed to get clarification. It wasn’t going to be easy but Drik Manfighter was bored and it wasn’t even 09:30 yet.

pickarooney

You need punctuation and spaces to make this readable. I do like the character's name though.

SebBerkovich

pickarooney wrote: »

You need punctuation and spaces to make this readable. I do like the character's name though.

Ummm, good point. i probably put this up prematurely.

Call Me Jimmy

I like the name of the HR initiative and the fact that his nemesis can only speak in business idioms. It's slightly unreadable at the moment I think but I think there are some good witticisms in there to show that if you get enough of the good stuff in and have some sort of tone and theme, you could develop it.

azzeretti

I almost stopped reading this. It 's too crammed and needs to be spaced out better. Too many semi colons too, I feel.

These are small things though. A little time restructuring should make it easier on the eye.

SebBerkovich

Thanks a log for the feedback folks, gonna go tidy it up now and hopefully it'll be a hell of a lot easier to read when i'm done.

Fuzzytrooper

Definitely needs some work on the punctuation front but the story does have an overdramatic charm. I would be very interested in reading the polished version. Could have a real gem here.

Toasterspark

As the others have said, better punctuation. I feel like I was reading paragraphs of text without getting a chance to stop for a breath. Full stops are your friend, and helps give much needed pauses to take in what's being said.

That aside, it's a fun, quirky piece of writing, and Dirk sounds hilarious. Cleaned up, I'd be well up for reading more about him and his arch nemesis Celina Sharp.