Love to friendship with a child

Wizzy2011

My partner has recently exploded the 'I'm not in love with you any more' time bomb. Physically we are both attracted to each other, I work out and keep in shape 3-5 days a week and I'm still infatuated by her cute features and sexy body, regardless of what she thinks may have changed in her after her pregnancy. Our son was unplanned, a massive shock to the system, now 2 years old. I took up the role as a supportive partner for my girlfriend, bottling in my true emotions, basically to be her rock through this tough time. Unfortunately by going into tunnel vision, Dad mode, our relationship deteriorated as we didn't make enough time for each other, both of us work 12 and 13 hour rotational days around our son's childcare. This period in our relationship, which I thought was normal bringing up a child, and I didn't realize it until she hit me with this bomb. I'm left heartbroken that she didn't even make the effort herself to rectify what we had. And to make things more confusing she wants to just remain friends, as she feels that she's comfortable the way we are and are communicating better and never try again as she thinks we will relapse into the rut we were in. I've already realized that I needed to step back and analyse myself and I've made changes and feel happier that I'm making the changes for me not to sway her back. I know she needs space and that's what I'm giving her as I've moved home, yet the more space she has the further she seems to be allowing herself to get from me. My friends, her friends and both our families are gobsmacked, we work together great as a team but I wish she would let her barrier down so we could work on the problem than just let it subside. Any ideas on what I could do?

ash23

OP, I think you need to accept that it's over. When people break up they go their separate ways. With a child involved, it's not really possible to just cut ties completely and this is what your ex means when she says she wants to stay friends.

You don't seem to be realising that it's done. Just because you work out, doesn't mean she is still physically attracted to you. For most people, attraction is not just about looks. It's more complex than that.

In your post you refer to her as "my partner" and lots of "we" and "us".

You need to hear what she is saying. She doesn't love you anymore. She doesn't want to try and make it work. She wants to just be friends. You are no longer living together and she is spending more and more of her time away from you and building her life as a single person.

I think she has been fairly clear about what she wants and that is to stay amicable but not to be together anymore.
Having been through a horrible breakup before, I do know where you are coming from. It hurts and it's confusing and it's hard to accept. But all that is left for you to do is hear what she is saying. It's over. One person alone cannot fix a relationship and she isn't willing to try so you have no options now but to accept it and start trying to get through the breakup.

Wizzy2011

I have come to terms that she no longer loves me but I have come to understand how and why she has lost interest in me as a partner. I went into Dad mode, neglecting my relationship with my partner, not taking time to myself and losing contact with my friends. I have become boring and stuck in a monotonous routine. I feel that people give up far too easily and take the easy option when it comes to difficult scenarios, flight rather than fight. I want to get myself back to my old self with this break and at the end of the day all I want is for her to be truly happy. When we get back to being happy as individuals, say 6-12 months from now, and converse on the break-up, I feel that there may be a possibility that we can work it out, but if not I want her to be happy for herself and I'm willing to accept that, because in turn that will result in a more fruitful relationship between our child and both of us as parents.

ash23

Wizzy2011 wrote: »

I have come to terms that she no longer loves me but I have come to understand how and why she has lost interest in me as a partner. I went into Dad mode, neglecting my relationship with my partner, not taking time to myself and losing contact with my friends. I have become boring and stuck in a monotonous routine. I feel that people give up far too easily and take the easy option when it comes to difficult scenarios, flight rather than fight. I want to get myself back to my old self with this break and at the end of the day all I want is for her to be truly happy. When we get back to being happy within ourselves, say 6-12 months from now, and converse on the break-up, I feel that there may be a possibility that we can work it out, but if not I want her to be happy for herself and I'm willing to accept that, because in turn that will result in a more fruitful relationship between our child and both of us as parents.

You see, I know what you're doing. I did it myself. Blaming it on going into dad mode etc etc......what about her? What did she do? You're putting it all on you because you can fix that. And you think if you can fix it, you can get her back.
It won't happen. Yes, maybe she did give up too easily. But you have to deal with the fact that you can't do anything about that. And I'm sorry to say but in 6 months time, there is practically no chance of getting back together. No matter how much you change.

Stop doing things for her. Do them for yourself and your child. Stop blaming yourself for it all. Accept the role you played but also start seeing what she did wrong too. There is rarely a relationship that ends without some fault on both sides.

Stop focussing on making changes for HER and in the hope of winning her back. You need to make changes for you, as a single father. To be the best person you can be for yourself and to be the best parent you can be for your child.
It takes time but acceptance will come.

Wizzy2011

Hi,

I'm in need of some advice on my relationship with my partner. She has given birth to our son 2 years ago now and our sex life has never really gotten back on track. She has procrastinated a lot over the past 2 years about getting her self image back, and the more I motivate her the further it pushes her away. She had put on a few pounds during pregnancy, only natural, but she has never seen herself in the same light since. I always tell her that no matter how her body has changed such as stretch marks, I'll always love her for the special person she is to me. When I see her stretch marks I take pride and am so proud of her, as I have seen what she has gone through from the start, middle and end of pregnancy, to create our son. I she her stretch marks as a story of how our son was created and she will always be special to me for that. Yet she has just told me that because she hasn't felt sexy or in the mood for me that she is thinking that she may not be attracted to me anymore and feels that her love for me is fading. I'm not a bad looking guy and I've always taken more of the slack in regards to housework and parental duties (night feeds/ putting our son to bed, before and during the night etc). In regards to our sex life, it has gotten quite monotonous and has turned into a routine; I make her orgasm first and then we have sex. For her she says I have taken away any incentive for her to be intimate but when we think back, she has never made the first move to initiate love making as she says she never really felt sexy to start things up. Any help on this situation would be greatly appreciated!