Family problem

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I don't know if I'm looking for advice here or really just looking for a place to vent when it's so hard to do so in real life.

I found out over the Christmas that my father has been depressed for a while. From a rational point of view I have sympathy for him and can understand that it must be very hard for him, but in practice, when I'm actually face to face with him, I find myself unable to understand what his problem is. He claims his work is incredibly stressful, that he has no friends and that noone cares about him. None of this is true and we've noticed him exaggerating minor problems, telling my mother he can't afford things and she should be working full time or putting money into his account (They're both in their fifties and nothing has changed about their jobs or income has changed in years).

He becomes irrationally angry over tiny things, and the other night physically attacked me over an argument that escalated when I accidentally changed the channel on the tv, then drove off leaving us frantic over his safety. The next day he apologised and said he was going to talk to a professional about it. When we mentioned this the following day, he became incredibly angry and later claimed that he was "perfectly reasonable" and that my mother kept pushing him and upsetting him. He also claimed that I attacked him and that I have a serious problem with making things up and "need to tell the truth for once in my life".

Whenever he's not around I feel sick with worry about him but when he is there I just feel tired of placating him. I feel almost as if I want to make him feel worse because it just upsets me so much that he can justify his anger towards his family and his feelings of depression by claiming that we are being awful to him and that his life is awful. I don't know how he can't see how good his life really is and he becomes resentful whenever someone points this out or mentions stress in their own life. We think a lot of the problem might be related to him never dealing with family members dying but he would never admit this and none of us can bring it up.

I'm not really looking for advice here, I don't think. I just really needed some where to vent my anger to and to admit that I feel angry. I don't live at home anymore and I will be going back to Dublin in a couple of days but I know I'll be almost more upset then because I'll be thinking about it constantly and won't be able to talk to anyone about it. I haven't been sleeping, haven't gone out or done anything fun all Christmas and feel just drained and constantly worried. I'm terrified that he will do something to hurt himself if he drives off in a rage again. I'm also on a lesser note just worried that he will take these feelings into work and do something to get himself fired and then he really will have financial problems.
I think it made me feel better to write this which I hope is ok, I know it's really just a rant. Any advice would be appreciated though.

Lorna123

I can't really advise you OP but I sort of understand where you are coming from. It would appear to me that your father is frustrated with life and was venting over Christmas with people he knew would put up with him. I doubt he will do this in his job. Please don't worry about him, you have your own life to lead now and it is just a pity that you didn't have a pleasant time at home at Christmas.

It is sad that your father chose to have a rant at you just because you changed a channel on the t.v., totally uncalled for. You sound like a very caring person. Your father could just want to retire and is disappointed that he cannot afford this yet. He was obviously looking for attention and your mother had heard it all before so he was trying it on with you. Don't think twice about this OP, go back to Dublin, keep in touch with your family but don't worry about your father, he is not as bad as you think. Happy New Year.

skyfall2012

Hi OP, similar situation with my father in law, he vents all the time to my husband about how bad life is, my husband tries to make him see how good his life is and has asked him to see a professional but he won't go.

The stress on my husband from his father always venting to him but doing nothing to change his situation is very frustrating to watch.

I told my husband today that maybe if he put the phone number of a good counsellor into his fathers hands that his father might make the next step.

I hope things work out OK for you OP it is not easy when it is out of your control.

LegacyUser

Hi, a lot of what you are describing are symptoms of depression, as someone who has been there I can identify with some of them, especially anger. There is no point telling someone who has depression how great their life is, it won't work. I know that's hard to understand but part of it for me was losing all sense of perspective. Will he go to his doctor he sounds like he needs professional help at this stage.