Confused over women

LegacyUser

Was going out with a girl for 3 and a half years, for the first two years things were amazing like head over heels crazy, then she got pregnant and we had a baby girl together, during pregnancy and after she changed dramatically, was not herself, all the affection went out the Windows, she wouldn't let me hug, kiss, hold her, didn't even want to sit beside me,,, this went on for close to 20 months, during this time I tried to get her to go see a doctor, talk to someone, tried re igniting the spark flame you name it, tried sitting down talking directly with her every week to address the issues, but nothing worked it never changed, as the months wore on I gradually became more and more hurt and felt rejected and devastated it was the woman I had planned to spend the rest of my life with.

So after 20 months of me repeatedly trying and trying everything I could think of, nights away, date nights you name it I tried it, asked her to go to counselling with me but she still wouldn't.... I came to a point were mentally I had had enough pain hurt and suffering and I ended the relationship, I suppose it was a way of protecting myself!

Almost immediately she was very keen to get me back, but I couldn't go back was so crushed and hurt it felt like I shut down in the end. I suppose it was a wake up call for her to cause went to counselling and did eventually get help, she says she's different now and knows shy she acted the way she did and still cares about me and wants to give it another go....

But in the few months after our breakup I met another girl, and we started seeing each other, was a breath of fresh air and it was fun, but didn't have the same spark as my first relationship,,,,, so that's kinda were I stand now, with one girl, who's great and gets on well with my daughter, and I still talk to my ex who I lately cant seem to get out of my head, she has made it clear she would like to rekindle our relationship..... To be honest I'm normally a very decisive person but can't seem to make a decision here, do I go back and try to salvage something with the mother of my daughter or continue on in my current relationship and see what happens, would appreciate any advice from people who have been in similar circumstances...

Thanks very confused 25 year old from Cork.

folamh

You sound very selfish, to be honest. Having a baby takes a lot out of you, physically and emotionally. Assuming she's the primary caregiver, her time will be monopolised by the baby, she will be exhausted and probably wont feel very sexy. And all you can talk about is how she's not making you feel good. Maybe she'd show more interest if you showed more compassion for her sacrifices. But that's a bit presumptuous of me. How much did you help out while ye were together? And do you have any involvement in the kid's life now?

CaraMay

Sounds like your ex may have had some post natal depression. You love her, she loves you and she is part of your little family. I think you should give it one more go. Good luck.

CaraMay

folamh wrote: »

You sound very selfish, to be honest. Having a baby takes a lot out of you, physically and emotionally. Assuming she's the primary caregiver, her time will be monopolised by the baby, she will be exhausted and probably wont feel very sexy. And all you can talk about is how she's not making you feel good. Maybe she'd show more interest if you showed more compassion for her sacrifices. But that's a bit presumptuous of me. How much did you help out while ye were together? And do you have any involvement in the kid's life now?

No he doesn't sound selfish - he could not touch the girl and she would not ho to counseling. He did try.

deisemum

folamh wrote: »

You sound very selfish, to be honest. Having a baby takes a lot out of you, physically and emotionally. Assuming she's the primary caregiver, her time will be monopolised by the baby, she will be exhausted and probably wont feel very sexy. And all you can talk about is how she's not making you feel good. Maybe she'd show more interest if you showed more compassion for her sacrifices. But that's a bit presumptuous of me. How much did you help out while ye were together? And do you have any involvement in the kid's life now?

I don't see how he was selfish, he tried to get her to see her gp, she wouldn't even sit near him let alone let him touch her, she wouldn't try counselling. She was calling all the shots and a human can only take such rejection for so long before it erodes a person's self-worth.

She may have had post natal depression but maybe him leaving was for the best if it was the catalyst to get her to finally see her gp and get whatever help she needed.

For all we know it could have been a power thing with her, she wanting to call all the shots, there are some women like that but OP would know if that's the case.

I'm not surprised that you're struggling to make a decision but I'd urge caution and not rushing into making up your mind one way or the other.

shalalala

If you still love your Ex then I think that you owe it to your little family to try again. Make it clear that you will only do it if she agrees to get professional help, either together or apart. Problems don't disappear and they can cause more issues in the long run.

Also I think you owe it to your current girlfriend to end it. It is obvious that your heart isn't really in it with her.

Good luck OP.

folamh

CaraMay wrote: »

No he doesn't sound selfish - he could not touch the girl and she would not ho to counseling. He did try.

She's not a "girl" and how do you know she needs counselling? Maybe the problem is with him.

ManOfMystery

folamh wrote: »

She's not a "girl" and how do you know she needs counselling? Maybe the problem is with him.

Because she's the one who's behaviour changed dramatically, which altered the dynamics of the relationship. He's the one who was trying to fix this.

The OP has posted here for help & advice, but all you've done is offer a totally unsubstantiated and meaningless suggestion that he's at fault.

folamh

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Because she's the one who's behaviour changed dramatically, which altered the dynamics of the relationship. He's the one who was trying to fix this.

The OP has posted here for help & advice, but all you've done is offer a totally unsubstantiated and meaningless suggestion that he's at fault.

And how do you know her change in behaviour was unjustified? She had a baby, for christ's sake. She needs support, not pleas for affection. Maybe she doesn't need fixing and the OP's perspective needs to change. I don't see how this suggestion is any less valid than yours.

Neyite

All, this is an advice forum, so please keep your advice addressed to the OP and on topic. No more debating between yourselves please.

Virgil°

It sounds to me like you tried everything you could. 20 months is a lifetime to go without basic intimacy from your partner. Honestly i've no idea how you managed to stick it out that long.

Don't worry about not feeling that spark so soon after a long relationship. That sounds normal enough. Honestly I would go ahead with neither relationship in this case. Its not fair on the new girl and I don't think falling back into the arms of the woman who treated you so poorly is a great idea either.

Just take some time to take care of yourself and build a relationship with your child.

All the best.

otto_26

folamh wrote: »

She's not a "girl" and how do you know she needs counselling? Maybe the problem is with him.

Is she a boy?:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Yes your right whatever happens the woman is always the victim :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Esoteric_

OP, you have to decide what you want, and soon, as you can't string either of these women along.

I don't think you were in the wrong at all. Yes, she may have had issues after the birth and I know it's hell for a lot of women after having a child, their perspective changes, they're exhausted and over-worked, but not even wanting to sit next to you? That's bizarre, to be frank.

She didn't want to fix things, so you were right to leave, IMO.

The problem now is, do you believe she's changed? She says she knows why she acted the way she did towards you - has she told you the reason for this?

I think you should break up with the new lady, regardless of whether or not you take your ex back. You clearly don't feel as strongly about her as you do about your ex, so it's not fair to her to be your 'second best' or your rebound.

If you want to get back with your ex, the issues that caused the break up need to be resolved first. Has she genuinely changed? Does she want things to go back to how they were, or to a new, better relationship? Do YOU believe she has changed? You need to find the answers to these before you make your decision.

Good luck.

Taltos

otto_26 - Besides ignoring the mod direction above your post is considered off topic and flaming. Please read our charter before posting again.

Taltos

Scanlas The 2nd

OP she sounds very selfish, she wasn't even willing to try to make things better. However she is the mother of your child, so I'd give her another chance.

You need to have a serious discussion before you get back together about what behaviours are acceptable and what aren't. Write it down together if that helps so you are both on the same page literally. It provides a base of agreement to work from.

cantdecide

Is there a chance your ex is just acting out of jealousy of your new relationship?

I do agree that it sounds like your heart isn't in the new relationship and I would also agree that maybe you need to end it but if that's the road you go down, separate the two events. If you do try again with your ex, she must be completely aware of the hurt that she caused you. I would make sure you take things as slowly as possible. If she is jealous and you come running back, I reckon you could end up right back to square one.

deisemum

cantdecide wrote: »

Is there a chance your ex is just acting out of jealousy of your new relationship?

I do agree that it sounds like your heart isn't in the new relationship and I would also agree that maybe you need to end it but if that's the road you go down, separate the two events. If you do try again with your ex, she must be completely aware of the hurt that she caused you. I would make sure you take things as slowly as possible. If she is jealous and you come running back, I reckon you could end up right back to square one.

+1. Even if you finish with the new girl take your time before resuming your relationship with the first one. She needs to learn that she cannot trample all over your feelings in future for whatever reason and think it's ok. You still have a child together so you will still see her but take your time and build up trust.