Can I expect it to last a lifetime?

Kashmir83

Years later I am pretty much haunted by the memories of a violent sexual assault by a stranger. I have a busy life now – looking after a young child and working a full-time job, but they have never truly faded. I know, from experience, that I can suppress them by moving country and entering into relationships that occupy and distract me. But when it’s just me alone, which is the real me, they remain. On the surface, I suppose I appear to be completely "over it", but I am not, nor do I expect to ever be "over it" as such.

When it happened, I was diagnosed with PTSD and I estimate, looking back, that I had symptoms of that for around 2 ½ years. But I have done everything by the book and sought help for myself in a variety of ways. I have even gotten justice in the Courts, but it still seems so present in my life. I have found it virtually impossible to connect with anyone else who has had a similar experience although I have tried a number of avenues.

Ultimately, I certainly do not want the actions of a severely disturbed human to impact my quality of life. So I guess I’m just wondering if there is anyone who can advise, from experience, whether I can expect to be continously burdened by this or whether there’s something else I can do to reduce this burden that I have missed somehow?

gypsy_rose

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds from your post that you've been trying to handle and treat this all by yourself, but this is very difficult to do. No person is an island, and while you're never going to forget what happened to you, with counselling maybe you will learn how to cope with it in a way that doesn't make you feel like you have to keep burying your feelings with new relationships and travel. If you haven't been to counselling yet, please go. I know it's hard to find a good one, but it's worth it in the end. And if you've went already, go again. The only thing that is going to help you heal is to come to terms with it, and this will come from talking and expressing yourself. You do not always have to be OK, always "over it." You're human, and some days you will be able to deal with things better than others. I'm sorry this post isn't of more help, but please know that one day you will feel better and it won't always be like this. I hope 2013 is a great year for you

ahnow

I've been through a similar situation OP, only mine was based in my childhood. And I have asked that question so many times, so many times, will I fully be able to get past it and not be haunted by it. oneinfour.org are a very helpful site if you were interested in looking for some help.

My own experience so far, and this is just me, I'm 25 now, I tried counselling a few times and was never able to handle it, and then when I was about 19/20 went to a lovely lady who helped me through a lot of the mess, with counselling-but she was so kind and gentle, and went at my pace. I also went to different people for spiritual healing (like Reiki etc)-I found this helped me enormously as I didn't have to speak about it, but a lot of immense healing still occurred. I totally understand if that wouldn't be your cup of tea, but my opinion at the time was, it can't hurt, and I'm glad I've reached out.

My depression as a result of it was so bad it was literally halting my life, and the pain and horror was so huge I was very afraid that-to be blunt I would not survive, or I would end up in a mental institution. It is my belief that in order to find peace, we have to face what has happened to us, and trudge through all the **** of it before we can fully accept it.

Have you been for counselling OP? I would recommend it strongly, it might take a few goes to find someone who suits you, but it is such a support when you do. Especially if you were to seek out someone who has experience in that background, and knows about the symptoms of PTSD. You will have times when you find it really difficult, but instead of distracting yourself, perhaps give that part of yourself an opportunity to be upset and angry, and what ever other emotion is going on. I know it is very difficult, but unfortunately, going through it and acknowledging it is the only way it will stop haunting, it will get worse before it will get better if you decide to do this, but in the long term, you will no longer have to run from that aspect of your life, and you will be able to just be yourself, and be able to sit with yourself.

It's five years later since I went to seek all of that help, and I am no longer depressed, and my outlook on life is a much more positive one. I still go through struggles now and again in relation to it, but nothing like it was before, and I think I'm going to keep improving.

I think people who have survived this kind of experience, ideally what we all would want is for it to not have happened. Unfortunately this is impossible, and unfortunately again the taboo of it makes it very difficult-sometimes impossible to talk about it when you're having a rough time. I've began recently thinking about it in a slightly different way-it helps me-and I hope I'm not misunderstood. I have begun to think of it as something similar to suffering a bereavement. It is huge, and irreversible, yet people who suffer from the death of a loved one survive, and continue, and somehow find ways of coping, and often find happiness again. We cannot change what has happened, and bring that part back that was taken from us, but we can mourn it-and in that we can find some sort of acceptance and peace.

I hope you're okay OP and that you reach out for some support.

Kashmir83

Thank you both so much for your advice and for sharing your experience of things, I do appreciate it. I can honestly say I have tried counselling a number of times with different psychotherapists etc. and some helped more than others, but I never really felt that I got to the core of things even though I have told them everything. I completely agree with what you both have said in terms of facing it head on in order to overcome it, and I’m more than willing to do this, but I guess the point is, which I am realising from your posts, that I haven’t found the right person to do that with yet.

I think looking at it as something similar to a bereavement is definitely apt. It is certainly the most profound thing that has happened to me, and I have had a child (although obviously that was profound and life-changing in a positive way!) as it has irreversibly altered my perception of others, the world and of myself.

I’ve also been thinking that it would be useful to meet with others who have had similar experiences, but strangely enough, groups like that don’t seem to exist. Anyway for the time being I think I will try counselling again.

ahnow

Sorry OP I forgot to mention, there are support groups out there, Dublin Rape Crisis Centre does group counselling, and I believe there are other similar organisations out there, also aftersilence.org for online help.
Best of luck.