How would you handle this? - advice needed

eviltwin

I have a friend who is bi-polar, she tried to take her own life last month and has been in a psychiatric hospital since getting treatment. I have been doing my best to visit her but had to cancel a visit at the last minute the Sunday before Christmas due to an illness in the family. Texted my friend who seemed fine and told her I would be in touch after Christmas.

On Stephens night I got a call from a girl I know. She had been talking to my friend who told her that the last time I was up to see her I told her this girl had been stealing money from her ex partner and her job! Complete and utter lies of course, I had never said anything of the sort. Thankfully this girl doesn't believe any of it but I contacted my friend to ask her to explain herself and was told she did it in anger because I cancelled my visit and because I hadn't responded to her Happy Christmas post on my Facebook page. She then blamed it on her illness and her treatment saying she does these things without knowing etc etc

Its not the first time she has done this, a few years ago while living overseas she accused her ex partner of being violent which she later took back.

Since then I have taken the decision to avoid contact with this woman, I appreciate she is unwell but I have been very good to her, helping her with her social welfare and housing issues, visiting her etc and I was very hurt she would come out with lies. I have told her not to contact me and removed her from my social network sites.

Today I have just recieved a message to say that if I end our friendship she will have no reason to live etc and I am just furious with her now manipulating her illness like this. My husband tells me to just ignore her, that if she wanted to take her own life she would and wouldn't advertise it which I am inclined to agree with but part of me is worried that she might do something serious however after her latest behaviour I really want nothing to do with her.

Despite what she has said I do still care about her and want to see her overcome her problems but am I selfish to want to remove myself from an emotional involvement in it?

tony81

Hi. Just because someone has a mental illness such as depression does not make them a good person. She might be rotten to the core.

Judge her only by her actions not her excuses.

She's manipulative, a liar and a gossip. In my opinion you're well rid of her.

Strawberry Fields

Someone bi polar who just attempted suicide would be on an awful lot of medication. I'm not making excuses for it but she could be out of the game.
Impossible to say what happened with the ex partner without a broader knoweldge of the circumstances and facts.
Anyway you seem to be important to this woman, I don't think lying in hospital on christmas is much fun.

dearg lady

I dunno, I think your reaction was a little rash. Is the only incident of her doing something like this to you? The lies over you cancelling I mean?
I agree she is being manipulative now, but she's in an incredibly dark place, and her good friend has now blocked her. I personally think that it was an overreaction, based on what you've posted, but of course, there could be so much more to this story, and you are the one who has to deal with her, so only you can really be sure of what is the right decision.

Oscars Mum

I could be writing this story... sounds like a friend of mine... You can't help, she needs professional help... I suggest you back off for a bit and keep the friendship on your terms only. She is manipulative and evil, you don't need that in your life...

The Big Red Button

If I was good friends with a person who was mentally unwell, I'd like to think I'd give them some leeway with their actions. If this was a one-off incidence, then given the circumstances, and if you were a good friend of hers, I think your reaction was quite unfair.

If you weren't good friends with her to begin with, then I guess you have nothing to lose by cutting her out. You should probably consider the effect this will have on her, though, too.

You have to realise, that visit you cancelled may have meant an awful lot to her. She may not have many other visits to look forward to. Not that you were wrong to cancel it, it was obviously for genuine understandable reasons. Those reasons may not have been so clear to her, though, and she may have twisted it all in her head, somehow.

Can you be sure that, just because she took back her statement about the ex-partner being violent, that it wasn't true? Seems the kind of thing that a person might retract under pressure from the accused. Unrelated, but worth considering.

I guess it's done now - you've told her you don't want contact, and you've removed means of contacting you. So I get the impression your decision is made. So you may as well move on from this.

If I were in your position (and I have been in similar), it wouldn't sit too well with me, what you did, though, to be honest.

I guess that's not the answer you're looking for. Sorry.

seenitall

I'm with you on this, OP.

As someone who has had a fair share of being manipulated, used, controlled and plain conned in my life, I give it all short shrift these days (one of these instances was by a boyfriend who was bi-polar, btw - but I don't buy the mental illness as an excuse for conning and thieving, for example; not one bit).

Life's too short, OP, good riddance to bad rubbish and all that.

Oh, and I wouldn't be concerned what a manipulative person like that would be 'capable of', either; frankly, I've been put through far too much siht by the likes of her ilk, to care. At all.

That's my 2 cents.

Bambii_

She is using her illness to manipulate you, or at least trying to. She is making you frustrated and upset and telling lies about you, it seems the best thing you can do is cut her out of your life.

I know she is being a cow, and her threats are probably empty, but you should contact the hospital she is staying at and inform them of her threatening to take her own life and her other behavior (the lies).

Taltos

Whether she is serious or not about the threat I think what you need to do first is contact the hospital she is a resident of and inform them of her threat of suicide. They will have procedures in place but all threats need to be taken seriously.

Then I think you need to listen to your OH and withdraw as much as you are comfortable from this relationship. If it is pulling you down or negatively impacting your life/marriage then this is maybe a good time to re-evaluate if you should continue as you have here.

ANGEM

During a conversation my friend who suffers from depression informed me that after Xmas she is going to kill herself because there is no point to her life she was so calm when she said it she frightened me into contacting one of her adult children to tell him because I'm pretty sure she means it.
At times she can be manipulative and my husband has aske me to back off because he is afraid I will be badly affected if she does do it but how can I leave her what if she did do something and I was not there for her very awkward difficult situation to be put in.
Op if ur friend is in a hospital I would definitely contact them straight away hope this helps

emuhead

I would try to see it from her perspective - it is incredibly easy to lose perspective over missed visits in a psychiatric hospital. There are very little distractions and over Christmas any day programs are usually reduced / curtailed as it is a holiday period. I'm not trying to say that her behaviour was OK, but maybe it's not as black and white as 'making excuses'. Saying that a mental illness has influenced your (admitted) negative behaviour is not necessarily abdicating personal responsbility.

It sounds like your friend is aware she messed up. I don't know all the facts, but if she is a good friend, I would consider personally giving her the benefit of the doubt (this time).

Re the suicide threat - I'd contact her next of kin and let her know you are doing that. They can contact the hospital. I'd make it crystal clear to her that you are not taking responsibility for her personal safety.

To answer your question, it is possible to help without being overly emotionally involved. Maybe cut down on the visits but maintain contact. Set some boundaries on facebook re the settings (for example, restrict posting on your wall). Let your friend know that you care about her but she needs to get support from the professionals and to get better. Only you can decide what to do.

Good luck

eviltwin

I cancelled the visit because a family member has a serious illness and I needed to be with them. She knows this but she freely admits she was angry I cancelled my visit to her and lied to "get back" at me. I just feel there is no lee way with her anymore, I try and be there for her but something comes up and she takes it so personally.

I am trying to make concessions with her for her illness and have done in the past - its not the first time she has lashed out at people but not to this extent - but I am angry and feel I am justified in being so given what she has accused me of.

I am still in contact with her via text and I have spoken to her on the phone, I told her I need some time to calm down because I am angry and hurt by her actions. She doesn't even seem to care to be honest which hurts me even more.

I will contact her hospital and her family and let them know of the threats, thanks for suggesting that cause it would not have even occured to me.

Its just hard to know what to do. I've had depression myself and I know it can make you angry so I have always tried to make allowances for that but I feel at this stage she needs to acknowledge the seriousness of her actions not just for me but for the girl she accused of theft. But can I really be helpful to someone so ill when I am feeling angry at them?

emuhead

Hi OP

Sorry, I picked up the communication bit wrong - I thought you had ceased all contact with your friend. It sounds like you've not closed the door completely.

The space thing sounds like a good idea for your own well being.

Hopefully the treatment she is getting will help her tackle this negative way of interacting when she is unwell. You could decide if you want to give the friendship another go when she is getting better (and apologises for what she has done).

Easy to say but try to detach from the suicide threats. Your friend is responsible for herself and she is in a place at the moment where there are safeguards.

Take care

R.D. aka MR.D

Hi op

i just want to say that i think that you shouldn't feel guilty or anything about wanting to have less contact with her.

What she did to you was really horrible. Yes she is unwell and yes she may be on medication but i really don't think that is a valid excuse.

Team that with the fact that she doesn't seem to be sorry about what happened then why would you want her in your life?

Because you pity her? Because it would make you feel like a bad person if you stop being friends?

Are those reasons to friends with some one?

eviltwin

Thanks for all the feedback.

I met up with the girl she accused of theft yesterday, we had a talk about it and have decided that for our own sakes we need to curtail our friendship with this girl. The other girl was never really close to her so its not so much a big decision for her. Personally I just can't do it anymore and my friend feels I am making it easy for her to use her condition as an excuse to emotionally blackmail me. I will try and be supportive as best I can if I see this girl out and about but I am going to pull back. If she can see how she is treating people I might reconsider but until then I am backing away.

bakergirl91

OP your doing the right thing, I've been in a similar situation. Except I let it go on longer. Best if luck to you!

Oryx

Part of any recovery from mental illness is learning to deal with those around you normally and respectfully. This girl is not there yet, and honestly you will do her no favours by playing into her manipulation. Yes she is unwell but her actions still have repercussions, the same as for anyone else. I think giving in to her moods would only set her back. By telling those responsible for her care about her threats you are doing what you can.

Your own health and wellbeing is your priority, your friend already has professional care.