Getting back on the 'Horse'

LegacyUser

Hi, I don't really know if this is a problem I should be complaining about, but I feel that maybe getting it off my chest will help, and maybe seeing what other people's views/experience are too.

I split up with a girlfriend approx 8 to 12 months ago, I've basically looked online at other people problems for advice, but never posted anywhere about it myself. So this is my first time, apologies if it is overly long.

Its a bit complicated (when is it ever simple?), we had been together over 5 years and I really think we were in love. We had some amazing times together, but like natural we had our ups and downs and both of us made mistakes. (Nothing ever major). We had been a bit rocky for about a year in the lead up to the break up and had briefly split before that, but got back together after about 2 months apart. Our time together after the split was different and we struggled due to loads of different reasons.

There was a couple of things that contributed to it, she always had some trust issues that go back to her father who was never around, and having been apart she was wary that I had seen other people. (which I hadn't but felt I would have been entitled to should I had.) Maybe I wasn't always as assuring as I could have been though. She had been in college while I was working full time, so our time for each other was all over the place, particularly as I worked flexi hours and was doing different days every week which meant we couldn't make plans together easily.

I returned to college myself just as she was completing her final year, which herself involved working on a full time basis and as I was working part time to pay for my education, (I am pretty much doing 7 days a week.) I didn't have any free time while she would be out on the weekends and that. We always said we loved each other, and even she always said whatever happens she see's us together in the future. We had less an less time for each other though and this became a big problem.

She said she wanted more, that I was around more and wish that I would try more for us. We didn't live particularly close but bought drove and it wasn't a huge inconvienence. Although after 7 days of college/work I probably didn't travel as much as i should have. I guess I got a little happy with my lot, and even though I didn't see her all the time I knew it was just for the foreseeable future (4 years, I understand this is a long time by her view though) and that when I finished we would both be working and have similar time off etc. I always thought I would move in with this girl and even get married and have kids!

Basically this got worse and worse, and eventually she was worried about me texting friends (girls) from work an college who I'd see more and go out with as she would have made plans with her friends for the weekend and as a student I was going out mid week more often that not. I never cheated on her though, an while I trusted her I did wonder did she on me.

We agreed together it couldn't go on, with no time for each other, we fought a lot over the phone and decided to split as a result. She was going travelling for three months too so we would have been further apart during that time. We said we'd be friends and still texted quite often. This ended up in us arguing a lot though and in the end we said we'd just have to have no contact. I found this very hard at first but eventually I stuck to it, then out of the blue she text me, saying she missed me and still loved me. I actually missed a call from her before it and still wonder what would have happened had i answered it. Back to ground zero... we started texting again, however it transpired she was 'seeing' someone new and felt guilty about it. I wasn't happy of course, heartbroken I probably made a fool of myself really, eventually I said I couldn't be friends specially since I knew that, and we haven't spoke since.

I know this is a massive post, and if you have gotten this far I thank you for reading!

Basically I still love this girl, I've tried to move on but even though I haven't spoken to her I still wake up and go to bed thinking of her every bloody day.
I haven't even been able to think about another relationship since, I've had interest from other girls and all, but I know I've even pissed them off by not really trying with them or not texting them back and all, I just have very little interest, and I find myself comparing them to my ex, which is probably wrong? Why can't I just move on, I knew it would take time but not this long? I starting to think I don't want to move on really. Its so hard....

I'd love to just text her, but she is strong willed and will either just not text me back or go through with the pleasantries, which just leaves me worse when I get the wrong idea... (this has happened before.)

What would you do? What have you done in similar situations.

Again I know I'm after waffling on a lot here, and thank you if you got through it all.
It feels better already to just get this all out, rather than have it going round and round in my head.

Thanks.

daisybelle2008

Forget about trying to get back with her. Your relationship sounded like hard work and not too much fun. Find some one more on your wave length or get a little bit more adventurous as a single person. Sitting around moping and pining after your issue addled ex is a miserable existence.

R.D. aka MR.D

Do you think all the problems you had before would magically disappear if you did get back together?

You need to stop thinking about her. If it helps think about all the bad times instead of the good ones.

Try to move on. If you like a girl then give her a chance.

tomthetank

Give yourself time. You haven't had any real distance from this girl yet with all the texting, and you haven't had any relationship since her so of course she's still in your brain.

Give those other girls a chance. Play fair to everyone - don't just shoot someone down because they don't 'compare' to your ex; equally don't string someone along in the hope that it will become something. If you're attracted to someone - ask them out. Take it slowly. Walk around with your eyes and your mind open. There are lovely, pretty girls everywhere!

The fact is that no-one will compare to your ex - just like no-one will compare to your best friend. She's the only one of her out there. But in the end it just didn't work with her - despite, and probably because of all the attributes in her that you've become nostalgic about now.

She's not some perfect idyllic woman against which no other woman on the planet will ever measure up. She's just another girl really, one that you clicked with and shared your life with for five years. She could actually be anyone and you'd feel the same - five years is a lot of shared time and feelings and memories and commitment to give to anyone.

Delete all trace of her out of your life - her number, her facebook, email, her friends, old possessions of hers that still remind you of her.

Let that be your New Years resolution. You deserve more than to be held hostage to the false hope of something that will never happen with some girl who has long since moved on. You're worth more and you deserve a lot more happiness than that - but you won't get it as long as you keep clinging on.

Best of luck for 2013

TEMPLAR KNIGHT

Women are like a bus, there's always another one around the corner. It took me ages to get over my last relationship up until very recently I was like yourself looking back i things with rose tinted glasses, going to bed thinking about her waking up to the same. Then one day I didn't even relise that I hadn't even thought about her in two weeks and at that point I released I was starting to get over her properly (the fact that she had moved on helped me though) the problem with relationships and breaking up is there no "one size fits all" policy everyone has to find their own way but listening to other stories I found really helps so hears a short version of mine. Met a girl fell madly in love, she treated me very badly kept breaking up with me for no reason putting me through hell, I would keep crawling back until one day I realised my youth was slipping away each moment I stayed with this girl and I broke up with her (hardest and best thing I've ever done) it took me 1 year and a half to fully get over her. I've kissed and had sex with plenty of women at home and abroad and while briefly they helped me foret about her it wasn't lasting final solution I needed. the best thing I did was waking up to the fact that the relationship was no good for me and that we get one spin on this rock and I can't spend my years not having fun, holding grudges an hating this one person who in the grand scheme of life had such a little impact when I could just as easily find another girl that may be the right one. Things always work out, if you said to me a year ago that it would turn out best in my favour I would have said you are crazy, but it has. But then gain its a road we all walk and find out for ourselves but we all end at the same conclusion that's my thought. Best of luck!!

Lorna123

Usually when a relationship ends we like to blame ourselves because then we have a way to try and fix things. If this girl knows how you feel and has chosen to date another guy then there is nothing more you can do about it. Did she decide to date someone new because she thought you had lost interest? Was she trying to find out how you felt about her when she told you she was dating someone new? The only thing you can do is to tell her how you feel (if she doesn't already know) and then the ball is in her court. You don't have to continue texting her or being in touch with her, generally not a good idea anyway, but if she feels anything for you she can think about what you said and decide for herself if she wants to see you again. She may be with someone else now but who is to say that this will work out. It could just as easily fizzle out and she could then start to think about you again. I would let her know that there is a way back if she changes her mind and then forget about it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses guys,

I guess its just a matter of time thing, be it short or long, I have being trying to put it to the back of my mind. I guess its just not so easy after five years together. Its good to have some sort of outside perspective on this, cos I wouldn't really discuss this kind of thing with my friends normally.

I'm going to try a new year and a clean slate approach. See what happens.
And like someone mentioned, she knows how I feel so after that its out of my hands really.

I know that right now if all of a sudden I got a message from her I'd be delighted and probably jump on it, but hopefully down the line that won't be the case?

Appreciate the help,

Happy New year to you all!