Late realisation :(

LegacyUser

Dear all,

Long-term boardsie going incognito, I would really appreciate any insight into my predicament.

I am a 22 yr old female who for a long long time has felt on the fringes of society. When I was growing up I constantly had problems with people around me, I was always on someone's bad side in work or school. I could never understand why and always blamed those around me or my small town or whatever. Because of this I had few friends but always thought the problem lay with those around me. I always believed that when I grew up and got to Uni that things would be different but lo and behold, I didn't make any friends, barely went out and fought nearly constantly with my housemates.

It was only when I travelled abroad and got away from Ireland and my family 1 year ago that I realised it was my highly hostile & dysfunctional upbringing and my hyper negative parents that has led to my warped, aggressive viewpoint of the world. I realised that I have been suffering from depression for a long time and for the last year have been trying to overcome it myself.

However I can be in a good mood one minute and by the next hour I can be a ball of fury. My self esteem is quite low, especially after realising what a terrible person I've been for essentially my whole life. I've been trying to practice positive thinking and all that but I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that 2+2=5
I've graduated Uni now and have been trying to make friends with people in work by being positive and nice and all that, but it really feels like everyone is settled in their friendships now and aren't bothered to make new friends.
I'm constantly looking up articles on how to make friends and all that but I just can't seem to connect with people. I think this is due to my isolating childhood, but I feel like I've really missed out a big part of my life.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice or even knows if its possible to break this pervasive negative cycle?

LegacyUser

op, you say ''I realised that I have been suffering from depression for a long time and for the last year have been trying to overcome it myself.''

if you literally mean by yourself and you haven't spoken to anyone about this, i'd urge you to go to your GP. they can help you with whatever means they see fit. i kinda did the same as you, realised it myself and tried to deal with it myself for a long time but all that did was compound the problem because simply put, i'm not qualified. the effects of our parents can have such a complex effect on our personality, behaviour and mental health it's not an easy thing to deal with alone. and i'm speaking from experience here!

go to your GP, see what they prescribe for you be it medication, cbt or some other form of councelling or a combination of all 3 and be proud that you've taken the first steps to freeing yourself from the pain of your childhood getting yourself better. x

cantdecide

You're lucky that you've had the worldliness and perspective to identify your issues and make attempts to move forward. I know people much older than you who have yet to realise that life is about more than drama, intrigue, friction and hostility. At this stage, I think you should see a counsellor. I'm sure you've considered it but life is about continuous evolution and improvement and some of us begin at a disadvantaged position but you should give yourself the best chance of breaking those old habits that go with those old behaviours and becoming the person you deserve to be with people who love you and want to make them happy and you them. It's never too late and you are so young.

Dingle_berry

I have had similar feelings and thoughts. They happen just instinctively, as if that's the way I'm wired or programmed. But thinking about the situations afterwards I tend to realise its more like a bad habit?
I would agree with everything Cantdecide said. I haven't gotten around to starting counselling/therapy yet, but that's a whole other issue of mine! I would just add: make sure the person you go to is qualified. The easiest way to do that is to choose someone who is a member of a professional body like the Irish psychotherapy association or council. Part of the cost might be covered by health insurance if you have any.
Good luck.

Queen-Mise

I'd agree - start with a counsellor. There is a lot of patterns of behaviour well developed in your personality that would be hard to undo on your own. It basically would be a heck of a lot quicker with some proper help

I did a personal development course about 5/6 years ago and it was fantastic (it was about 20 odd weeks long) - it really helped me get to know personalities and thereby myself. I'd suggest self-nurturing & self-love and trying to improve your self-worth (I know they are cliche, but I am serious).

Actively try to do things that will make you feel better about yourself.

Stick with what you are doing - and trying to put the right foot forward. And be so aware of your body language - people can pick up on it from a mile away. So even if your mind is full of fury - keep the body language, relaxed and open. Find some way of venting it - depending on the situation.


Remember some of the stats on friends - if you make ten in your life then your going well. A lot of the people in your work are at most going to be friendly acquaintances. [Some may be replicas of yourself without any self-awareness.] Chat to them about how THEY are doing, how their family/kids/hobbies etc etc. Learn how to have chit chat & slag talk etc.


To end on a sickeningly positive note - you don't have a load of hanger on friends who are more trouble than they are worth. You can choose who you let be a part of your life.

An Bhanríon

OP, the title on your post should read 'early realisation' and your username should read 'just in time'. You are only 22 and you have worked out something that some people in your situation never work out over a whole lifetime. You have taken steps to change your life and your outlook.

Give yourself a big pat on the back. Smile at your reflection in the mirror and say 'well done'.

Take small steps. You are going in the right direction and trying to practise positivity. In a few years you will look back and say 'wow, I have come a really long way'.

Never mind what happened in your past. Anyone can change their lives around. It just takes a bit of effort and patience and lots of optimism. Go for it!

santana75

An Bhanríon wrote: »

OP, the title on your post should read 'early realisation' and your username should read 'just in time'. You are only 22 and you have worked out something that some people in your situation never work out over a whole lifetime. You have taken steps to change your life and your outlook.

Give yourself a big pat on the back. Smile at your reflection in the mirror and say 'well done'.

Take small steps. You are going in the right direction and trying to practise positivity. In a few years you will look back and say 'wow, I have come a really long way'.

Never mind what happened in your past. Anyone can change their lives around. It just takes a bit of effort and patience and lots of optimism. Go for it!

+1. To have that level of self awareness at 22 is pretty amazing OP. Its been said already, but I've met a lot of people who are much older than you and who are oblivious to the way they act, talk, behave. These are people who just repel others, nobody wants to be around them and they just blame everybody else. I work with a lady who is the least popular individual I've ever encountered. She is just repellent in everything she does, she has zero friends. Its obvious to me, working with her everyday, why people dont like her and dont want to be around her, but she doesnt see it, she has no self awareness. And barring an act of God, she'll never change. I see her becoming more and more frustrated with the situation by the day, which makes her more and more angry, which repells people even further. Sometimes I feel sorry for her but then she'll act disgracefully and any compassion goes out the window. She'll probably go to her grave never understanding why people dont like her.

It takes a lot of awareness and courage to question yourself in the manner that you have OP. The only thing that I'd be concerned about is the labels your using to describe yourself(you called yourself a horrible person)which is self abuse. Most people dont criticise themselves in the way you have, in Dale carnegie's How to win friends and influence people theres a chapter on this subject. He talks about a murderer who was at a loss to figure out why he was public enemy Number 1 and why the police were after him. Which seems amazing but that just shows how people have these massive blind spots. You're on the right track, question yourself and your behaviour, watch how you interact with others, be aware. But you have to do it in a compassionate way, you have to be nice to yourself otherwise you'll shoot yourself in the foot. If you catch yourself doing something you're not happy with, acknowledge it, but dont beat yourself up, be forgiving and vow to do better next time. I know right now it may seem like things arent so great but trust me, realising this stuff at 22 is a big win in your favor, by the time you're 30 you'll have more wisdom and insight than people 3 times your age. But you gotta be nice to yourself. If you're good to yourself you'll be good to others and when that happens people will want to be around you. People choose their friends based on how they make them feel. If somebody feels good around you they'll always seek out your company. But its not about kow-towing or kissing ass either. You have to be your own person. Whats important is to create a foundation of self worth, and thats done by accepting yourself, being forgiving once you've made some realisations about your behaviour or whatever and by being kind to yourself. Which means no name calling. You have to treat yourself like a delicate child. I mean have you ever seen a little kid being called an idiot, horrible person etc. by an adult? Its absolutley devastating to them. Kids just cant handle criticism like that. And thats what you're doing because essentially you are a child. Im not talking about your age though. You said you had a dysfunctional upbringing and kids from dysfuctional families usually get frozen in time, developmentally speaking.
I'd agree with the counselling recommendation, although I wouldnt go to your GP, he/she will just throw anti-depressants at you which will solve nothing.
Good luck

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tdawg

Hi OP.

I can strongly relate to what your going through. I am 23 and came to this very realisation recently after finishing university, starting work and finally gaining proper independence from my family. I also come from a very dysfunctional background and it is natural that this will hugely effect how you perceive and relate to the world, you need to get yourself into a positive environment to improve your mental health.

Like you I just didnt realise how depressed I had become, I was so numbed to the world and had become accustomed to ignoring my family at home as it was the only method to beat the stress. Looking back I would say I had been depressed from as early as 11 or 12.

I have tried many things over the past 3 months and have gotten to the stage where I will try anything and everything. Meditating and focusing the mind is a great relief to me, exercise is also good for clearing your head.

Definitely see a counsellor. It took me too long to build up the courage to do this. I made an appointment with a GP I had never seen before, talked to them about my problems and they referred me to a good counsellor. It has been the best decision I have made in a very long time. My GP also directed me to a site called moodgym which offers free CBT, everything seems a bit obvious when you are using it but it helps you investigate the way you think.

Force yourself into situations you want to be better in, even if things go wrong stick it out and the experience will help build confidence and self belief.

Making new friends can be difficult and this is something that I'm trying to address as well. I feel as though I only really have a half dozen real friends who I might see on a monthly basis.The thing is once you find a person or two to hang out with your social circle will grow much more easily.

The fact that you are aware of this issue and actively want the situation to improve suggests to me you will recover if you put your mind to it. I have seen great changes in myself even over just 3 months though I know there is a long way to go!

It is not too late for you, only now are you making your first real steps into adulthood.

skyfall2012

I describe making friends in adulthood like 'being in a slow dance', it is different than the quick and intense relationships that we might have had when we were teenagers.

You manage it through a lot of small talk and hopefully some laughs and eventually when the person realises that, 'you know what, you are OK' and you realise that, 'they are OK', a friendship usually blossoms.

Overheal

Actually similar advice to what I posted in another thread: take pride in your work. If right now you're at the point where you can't take pride in yourself (been there), at least do things that you can be proud of. Your work becomes your personal brand. If I do sloppy work I'm viewed as a sloppy person, etc. that good work should beget it's own recognition and god-willing this gives you the confidence lift that you truly deserve. This was the approach I took when starting my new job, and I won't say I didn't piss people off (mostly people that I made look bad) but to other people I became the guy that knew how to do things they didn't. All I was doing was trying to learn everything about my job that I could as I went; a lot of it was just, if I needed someone to do something (order supplies, etc) and that wasn't happening, I figured out how to do it myself, whereas most people seem to just continue complaining that supplies aren't being ordered instead of rolling up sleeves. Conversely though I am not there to do someone's job for them, I will show them how and then I expect them to follow through; don't be a pushover. For me this whole approach just always leads to colleagues becoming friends and in the last 2 years has lead to a complete shift in the kind of person I am: I am a lot more confident. And I can honestly say I haven't felt 'depressed' since I started this job. I know all about that feeling of nihilism and hopelessness and meaninglessness, and I just frankly haven't felt that way in years.

Keep up the Critical Thinking. You've already identified some of the things that you feel are negative influences in your life. Try to minimize them. I have my own things that incense me about my parents so frankly, I just minimize my contact with them. My father in particular, for me it's too easy to see the man's flaws and I'm aware at this point that he will never change, so I've stopped being concerned with it. The man has his own warped view of the world that doesn't seem to follow formal logic, and if you try to enter discussion with him using formal logic it just - it just doesn't work. lol. I've been called everything from a liberal to a nazi, just as an example. At some point you just can't let such things bother you anymore, because they just don't matter.

LegacyUser

Hey all OP here,

I just wanted to say thank you all so much, the advice and kind words have really helped me and I am more dedicated than ever to turning my life around.

I have added this thread to my favourites and I've got a GP appointment and and appointment with a CBT/psychodynamic counsellor set up in the new year.


Thank you all for taking the time to respond, I wish you all the best in the new year